2013 Duba Mock Draft Version 1.Only

Ah. After the frenzy of Free Agency has run its course and the NFL schedule has been completed/sent to the masses, it is time to prepare for the 2013 NFL Draft. I started out okay during last year's prediction fest, so perhaps I will fair better. The key would be if I could maintain interest past pick number 4. This year, the Vikings, Jets, and Rams have two first round picks, and I am sure only 1 of those three teams will get it right. At long last, here we go...

1. CHIEFS: Luke "The Jackal" Joeckel

Andy Reid loves linemen. It's true. On his exit from Lincoln Financial Field I saw a bumper sticker that read "I heart linemen." It's true. The only problem for Andy Reid is there are too many sure fire linemen to choose from and not giving him a chance to screw up the first round.

2. JAGUARS: Eric "It Smells Like" Fisher

Let's face it. Maurice Jones Drew is losing a step or two but is still the team's focal point for the Jaguars. Blaine "The Stain" Gabbert is not worthy of starting at quarterback, but if he must than he should be protected. Perhaps it could help him immeasurably throw the football better. The Jaguars better hope so. Their defensive line was not so bad last year if you believe the analysts, so the defensive options are off the table. If the Chiefs go  Fisher, the Jaguars go Joeckel, thus ruining my predatory cat joke.

3. RAIDERS: Sharriff "Don't Like It" Floyd

Oakland hasn't been relevant since Al Davis died. They will take their chances on offense with annually injured players and unproven youngsters. Amazing how the guy who lost his mind sculpting a team in a weird image could not even put a solid future in place for his renowned franchise. I think K-Hovnanian should purchase the Raiders and develop them. That's some good home developer inside joke right there.

4. EAGLES: Star "Do the Wa"-Lotulelei

I know nothing of this guy other than hearing that he is big and nasty and could fit perfectly in a 3-4 defense while also anchoring a hybrid defensive scheme. You thought I was going to go with a "Starlite Starbright", "You could be my lucky Star," or "Wars" nickname, didn't you? FOOLS! He is medically cleared after his weird heart condition. I hope he can pan out to what we expect from the number 4 pick for the Eagles.

5. LIONS: "Since We Can't Draft a Brick Wall, Let's Pick" Lane Johnson

Let's face it. If the Lions want any chance to win, they need Matt Stafford and his hanging-on-by-a-thread shoulder to constantly get the ball to Calvin Johnson. Why not draft a defensive player? Well, I don't even know if the lions have a defensive coordinator. Also, Reggie Bush could certainly use somebody to help block for him playing against the tougher NFC North opponents.

6. BROWNS: Dee "Thomas" Milliner

What???? You don't remember the show "What's Happenin'?"? Punctuation question marks!!! I Milliner could help put Sheldon Brown into early retirement before the start of his 34th NFL season if he plays at a 6th overall pick level. If he is a shadow of Joe Hayden, the Browns can concentrate more on actually stopping the run instead of talking about it.

7. CARDINALS: Chance "That We Get It Right" Warmack

Didn't LaRod Stephens-Howling Run for -1 yard once last year? Carson Palmer is the kind of guy who needs some time to make a good throw, so hopefully putting somebody other than 5 empty jerseys on the offensive line could help make the Cardinals offense and Larry Fitzgerald potent again.

8. BILLS: Ryan Nassib"eemapetilon"

Apu from the Simpsons reference if you didn't get it. If you didn't get it, stop reading...

I gave you enough space to scroll through and stop reading if you didn't give my directive serious enough consideration. So, I go with the common logic that the former Syracuse coach picks his former successful quarterback as well, adding speed and heart to the quarterback position to match the speed and heart of CJ Spiller. For months Geno Smith was predicted to go first. I don't think the Bills would pick Geno Smith before Nassib. If they did, they would be the Buffalo Dicks. And they aren't dicks, not since they were last coached by Dick Jauron, anyways.

9. JETS: Barkevious "Banana fana forkevious Fee Fi mo markevious Me My Markevious, BARKEVIOUS" Mingo

It's a damn shame for the jets they could not have 53 picks in this year's draft. CBS has a weird stat on all the players, and Barkevious Mingo's hand length is 9 and 5/8 inches. He will join other oddly named players including JoJo Dickson, Vidal Hazelton, Bilal Powell, Demario Davis, and your favorite and mine, D'Brickashaw Ferguson. He could be a good key to the future of the Jets defense


10. TITANS: Ezekiel "Chubby White Guy" Ansah

Name me one player on the Titans Defense.



11. CHARGERS: Jonathan "I Hate People Who Spell it Johnathon" Cooper

Give them a good offensive lineman, and perhaps pundits will drop the excuses for Philip Rivers. The team has a bad run game at best, and anytime somebody tries to go through the line of scrimmage they end up with broken collarbones. FACT.  Protection? What's protection?

12. DOLPHINS: Xavier "The Savior" Rhodes

And now I am officially out of the players I have been hearing constantly about on the radio. The Eagles have the fourth pick, so it is very unusual to hear anything beyond the top 10 prospects on a regular basis. I would think they want offensive line help, but I suspect a trade to be made with Kansas City for Brandon Albert as is rumored. They gave away Vontae Davis last year, so might as well replace him with a later letter in the alphabet.


13. JETS: Tavon "My Career is Over Before it Started" Austin

For all the hype this guy has received, he is truly f-ed in the A. Didn't Santonio Holmes win a Super Bowl MVP? And then was labeled a detrimental factor in the team locker room? Maybe Tavon can pull off some of the more flashier moves to avoid a repeat of the infamous butt fumble produced by Mark Sanchez. However, maybe with Marty "The only time I don't pass is on the buffet line" Morhinweg as the offensive coordinator, perhaps he could be a Percy Harvinish center piece for the offense. Too bad the Jets have a 4 year rebuilding project.


14. PANTHERS: "What The" Sheldon Richardson

As an Eagles fan, I recall the breakout game for Bryce Brown. Against the Panthers. As a fantasy football player I am also aware of every other running back kicking the Panthers in the balls and producing serious running stats. The dude is huge and strong and if running plays develop still against the panthers, it won't be on his side.


15. SAINTS: Jarvis "I cannot wait to get paid to hit people!...Oh, wait, what? NOOOooooo" Jones

Man, what happened to the Saints last year was a real travesty. It was a shame what happened to them. The coaches violated rules, so I agree with their being repercussions, but they had no defensive identify. Jarvis was hot on my radar early in the scouting and he could be quite a physical specimen if used correctly. No doubt the Saints want to reestablish that kind of dominance, and no doubt it starts at 15th overall.


16. RAMS: Kenny "Can't Wait to be Excited for Half a Season" Vaccaro

The Rams took some positive steps in the defensive direction last year with that guy they drafted who had touchdowns in like 2 games in a row. Janoris "He Don't Bore Us" Jenkins was his name. With Cortland Finnegan and a first round safety, this trio could help improve their already improving improvements on pass defense, which has improved.


17. STEELERS: "Mary" Tyler Eiffert

With Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaath Miller sidelined (Steeler fans are annoying), the Steelers need a better option on Tight End for the near and distant future. I think a younger set of legs at this position will be extremely beneficial for Pittsburgh and Big Ben can do what he has done best - Get away with rape.


18. COWBOYS: Sylvester "Thufferin Thucotash" Williams

I have heard several interviews with this guy. If he was blind or homeless, he could be in the sequel to "The Blind Side." He sounds pretty awesome and I would hate the fact that he would play against the Eagles twice a year. He sounds like a potential strong leader that can keep the defense together and a solid anchor for their defensive line. I suspect this will dramatically improve the Cowboys defense, as long as Tony Romo doesn't get the offense off the field  as quick as he usually does.


19. GIANTS: "Baby I was" Bjoern "This Way" Werner

They love weird names, right? Jason Pierre-Paul. Osi Umenyora, Prince Amukamora, Eli Manning. The gang's all here! Odds are he will not be able to do a backflip like the Giants' number one pick last year, David "Tennis Ball" Wilson. The Giants always draft for need/best available, not panic, and they need Werner.


20. BEARS: Arthur "I Can't Wait to Watch Adrian Peterson Run Past Me" Brown

While Brian Urlacher gets to ride off into the sunset in Jenny McCarthy, the Bears need to add a top pick to fill the Chicago Favorite's spot. I couldn't tell you who Arthur Brown was out of a lineup of any kind, so here is a picture of Arthur Brown:

21. BENGALS: Eddie "Don't Forget to Tie Your Shoe" Lacey

Let's face it, Benjarvus Green-Ellis & Strausburg is not the long term answer for the Bengals. They have a budding defense and need some stronger steps in terms of running with the football. Expect Lacey to split the work with Benjarvus Green-Ellis, Hornig, Chapman, and Needenburg by the middle of the season.


22. RAMS:  Cordarrelle "Hey What's That Smell?" Patterson

Why the hell not? Add defense first, then find your offensive weapon later. It is just truly a shame that a Jeff Fisher team has been rebuilding every year.


23. VIKINGS: Desmond "Out of the Pond" Trufant

They boasted a pretty good defense, and can certainly add depth/new starter to replace Antoine Winfield. We all know the offense runs through Adrian Peterson and Greg Jennings provides additional support, as long as he is able to run around everywhere to get back to a Christian Ponder pass. Perhaps they get maximum value out of this.


24. COLTS: Brian "Hanky" Schwenke

At the center position, he will always have Luck between his legs.


25. VIKINGS: Manti "Man Crush" Te'o

The Heisman Trophy runner up playing at least 10 games per year in a dome? I think so. If the Yukon Providences of Canada had an NFL team, he would probably want to play up there, too. Go as far north as you can, Minnesota media can't be that bad.


26. PACKERS: Eric "I Got Threw Colledge Without Lerning How 2" Reid

The Pack needs a safety after booting their already too old safety Charles Woodson. A good safety and an impactful safety can make all the difference for a defense. The offense is stocked, but I was thinking of a lineman here to possible be a pillow for Aaron Rogers to fall on. I will go with the "one door opens, another one shuts" approach. What's that? That didn't make sense? Okay...did you also really think that was Arthur Brown? Well, it WAS Arthur Brown. Just an irrelevant musician.


27. TEXANS: DeAndre "Can't Wait to Play With Andre" Hopkins

Andre will tell you himself - he needs support. Andre and DeAndre could be a perfect tandem. In Spanish, DeAndre would mean, "Of the Andre." DeAndre will learn from Andre Johnson, thus making him a student of Andre. "Estudianto de Andre." See what I did there?


28. BRONCOS: Damontre Moore "Excited Than Dikembo Matumbo Blocking A Shot"

With the fax snafu ending the Elvis Dumervil tenure in Denver, John Elway and John Fox must patch up a defense that let one of their own players slip through the cracks much like the way Jacoby Jones slipped through the cracks in the Brocno's last game. Long sentence.


29. PATRIOTS: Margus "Call Me Mike" Hunt

They already have Aqib "No U after Q, Yo" Talib, and I suspect the Patriots will do more to bolster their secondary with later picks as well as get some new offensive toys. Somebody has to help Vince Wilfork "You Up" on the line to perhaps make the secondary better already.


30. FALCONS: D.J. "Tanner" Hayden

Abbreviations are awesome. T.Y. Hilton. L.J. Smith. C.J. Spiller. E.L. Cummings. M. Knight Shamalayan. One thing the Falcons do have taken care of - offense - could only really use a future a tight end...because every year they get their asses torn up in the playoffs!!! Oh boy I liked that. I hate the Falcons. DJ Tanner will go on to learn about how not to tackle from Asante Samuel.


31. 49ERS: Jonathan "Indifferent to Those Who Spell It Johnathon" Cyprien

Dashon Goldson out, Cyprien in. I hope Cyprien isn't gay. That Culliver fellow will be the first ever cornerback who plays facing the safety.


32. RAVENS: Kevin "I Just Googled 'When is the appropriate time in my NFL career to stop someone'" Minter "Fell"

Bonus nickname in there for you Game of Thrones fans. Hope that gave you a Throner. Anywho, Saint Ray left the Ravens to campaign for the new popeship, but he wasn't even on the ballot. The Ravens need to build their stripped down defense back up with a youth movement, and it starts in the middle of the field, like it did 17 years ago.


So, there you have it! Minimal research, and effort spread out over 3 days has lead you to today. Tomorrow begins the unexpected, so may your team do well, unless you are a fan of the Giants, Cowboys, Redskins, Broncos, Lions, Cardinals, Bears, Vikings, Chargers, Chiefs, Raiders, Buccanneers, Packers.