International Man of Mystery Human Highlight Reel No Fear Having Limosine Riding Implant Busting Jetsetting Son of a Bitch - Dave "The Rave" Bell

Oh man. Where do I begin with this guy? David Octavius Bell was born in the late 70's and grew up in Delran, New Jersey. How was he born and raised I really do not know. I never ever saw his parents in all these years I have known him. I have seen random pictures of people he passes off as his parents but really looks like stock picture frame photo people. I believe he was immaculately created by mixing a little of Hell and Purgatory to become the Devil's bastard son - he finds heaven too boring.

Little did we know then that Dave Bell would grow up from this ugly as sin teenager to a Kurt Warner stunt double.

Dave Bell is not just the type of guy I enjoyed talking with or being around. He is the type of guy who has created memories and legendary stories either told by me and my friends or people I meet who know him. I have not seen Dave Bell for a couple years, but I have SEEN him. I first became aware of this fact at Trenton State one night (perhaps it was The College of New Jersey - TCNJ). It was a Landis fraternity special event. I had become friends with his frat brothers - Ackerman, Guy/Dude, Fat Tony, Walsh. It was the ancillary guys I saw that fateful night........

Bell sees a guy out of the corner of his eye and says "Hey Duba tell that guy that Geronimo sent you and tonight the Lizard sheds it skin". What in the holy Hell? I was hesitant, but he eventually coerced me to go over there, Duba shirt and all, and repeat the veiled threat. Ready for an awkward exchange, this guy (can't remember his name) starts laughing. Gerard goes "Oh Shit HE'S here?!" Bell shouts, "that's the original Lizard, folks." I was flabbergasted. Bell knew half the fraternity. I would ask them if they saw Fat Batman yet, as I started to assume these people may have been the evasive expanding super hero that Bell once recorded. They didn't know about Fat Batman. I had to tell the story of the amazing video of fat justice.

Dave Bell one time had me convinced that I could jump off Bayard's Chocolate house through a flaming table and suffer little harm. Dave Bell stood by and watched as the late, great Mike Awesome (then ECW Champion) thought I was a special needs kid and gave me a free polaroid autographed picture of him and me together (it was like 20 bucks). He is the purveyor of the classic Daytona Race Track game "wheel chair kick cooler." He once sent me to Chuck Sperbeck's house dressed as Macho Man Duba Savage to mess with him. Just a couple weeks ago, he sent me a message that read "Can you text the number below and type 'there is a storm coming'". I do not know what I just started there, but I am sure that was not the last of my involvement.

There is a lifetime of stories I could tell with much more detail, but without further aduba, I present to you my:

Top 10 Dave Bell Memories

10. Tank Dogs
Our friend's girlfriend played for the Drexel softball team. They had some fundraiser going on where the softball team would play against a group of guys who paid to play. It sounded like a fun event and I certainly do not mind paying to play for charity.

HOWEVER, after much prodding and questioning, Magnum PI Dave Bell revealed the following:

• The charity we were playing for was the Drexel girls softball team to go to a tournament in Florida
• We were the only team to play

Fueled by hatred now, Bell assembled the greatest least athletic team of all time consisting of yours truly, Scalise, Lipski, Bell, and many others I cannot remember. We spraypainted our uniforms, for the Tank Dogs. My number was 24/7. Dave Bell, well he was not just satisfied with creating a jersey and possibly whooping a bunch of greedy girls. He wanted to go farther....

The night before, we were invited to a party at the softball team captain's house. Still bitter about the "charity" nonsense, we said no. However, we did not tell our friend, who kept texting/calling asking when we would stop by. Eventually he said they were going to sleep, and Bell led us to their house. Bell and his crew of merry men butted full trashcans with loose trash up against their door and left. Needless to say, the girls were late from having to cleanup their mess.

The game itself, well, we lost.. I think we kept it very close. Too close for a team that we were paying to go to Florida to play other teams who used their boyfriends' friends to pay for the trip. We were mostly hungover or still drunk from the night before. But, one man, one legend was born that day. Every single play he made, Dave Bell winded up on the ground in either an unnecessary slide or a trip, yet he still found the ball every time. Thus, the Human Highlight Reel was born.

9. High Speed Interstate 295 Food Fight
Coming home from one of our many nights at TCNJ, we had stopped somewhere to eat. There were two cars - one driven by me and one by Nick Tsigos. We stopped for food, then took back off. Dave Bell is in my passenger seat, looks over and sees that Nick's car is right next to us. After mutual exchanges of the middle finger, Dave bell, never satisfied with the norm, gets all uppity...

He looks at his food, then tosses a piece of cheese out the window. It immediately caused Nick to slow down and keep his distance. Nick and his passengers must have banded together to come up with a counterattack. They eventually sped up to us and unloaded with french fries, cookies, crackers, and other assorted snacks. Larry, in the backseat, went nuts and tossed a pudding or something out, again causing Nick to slide back. Luckily my Camaro was powerful enough to go up and down in speed and attain only minor damage. Nick, not so much. I think the last bomb was Dave Bell parting with his beloved soda, as he hurled it long and accurately to Nick's windshield. Game. Set. Match. Duba's car wins, and Bell was the MVP.

*It should be noted that as a responsible family man/adult, I no longer condone high speed food fights.

8. Kidnapping John Raleigh
 I was told this story by Bell, and of course it led to a variation of sorts later involving your beloved blogging hero (that's ME, you knuckleheads). Apparently, Dave or one of his friends called John from his own driveway and asked him to come out. When John came out, he met his would be attacker and they talked for a little while. Then the ambush came, and he was dumped into the car. I do not know if he was literally put in the trunk or not. Bell is crazy, so it is possible.

I was not part of the kidnapping incident, but I was in the follow up incident. To begin, I went over Bell's house where he told me the details of the kidnapping. He wanted to apologize and make it up to Raleigh by unknowingly "taking him" to the Ancora Pyschiatric Hospital. Bell, the master of production value, made a Raliegh specific CD of songs intermixed with verbal recordings from yours truly. The recordings were things like shut up, get ready for the wild ride, and you are going straight to Hell mixed between songs like Enter Sandman and the Exorcist theme.

So we pick up Raleigh for an evening stroll. I believe it was me, Bell, Skvir, and Raleigh. We say we were headed to a specific place, but one we passed the necessary exit, Raleigh began to ask questions why we went they way and where we were going. Sure enough it was timed perfectly with my voice (slightly disguised of course) booming loudly declaring he needs to show up. He started freaking out as the set up began to unravel. We toured the Psychiatic hospital and even saw a wandering crazy lady that freaked him out even more. There is not much else to this story, but I remember Bell and I were giggling a lot at this situation.

7. The last ECW Arena Show
ECW was a staple of ours. It was the best wrestling show you could ever hope to see. It has often been imitated, but never duplicated. It was maybe late 2000 when we stood out in the long line with a bunch of other loud drunk violence fans. See, you had to wait in line so that you could assure yourself a great seat once you got there. It was cold that day, and we started a bonfire in thee middle of the sidewalk that lasted for a couple hours. Keystone Light was flowing and I saw a guy that I was in fourth grade with. His name was John Cikit. And of course, who knew him, too? Dave Bell. I forget the relationship, but they stole the show in line again.

The ECW Arena was bingo hall converted into a wrestling arena for the better part of the 90's until they took their show across the country and eventually the world. However, by this time, the company was in sever financial dire straits. We had no clue that what we were about to see was the last show to ever take place in the hallowed hall.

The main event had Justin Credible and crowd favorite The Sandman. I do not remember the specifics, but I do know that at the end, a historic ECW scene was recreated. The Sandman, who fought of Justin Credible's entourage began asking the crowd for weapons. Sure enough, one folding chair flew into the ring. Then another, then a fourth fifth and sixth. Then everybody on the floor seat section was standing because their chairs were in the ring, burying the body of Justin Credible and his cronies. We were located in the bleachers and did not get to participate in the fun. I wish camera phones were around back then as this was a prime time to use one. We had two car loads of people, and I remember Dave and I were in one of them. I think it was just us. We went to MacDonalds after the show while everybody else retreated to Ed and Larry's Bayard Chocolate House apartment. We devised a great plan on the way.

Dave called the other car and told them to tell everybody about the chairs being thrown. He also told them to instruct our friends that I was hit in the head by a flying chair and was at the hospital. Dave and I had our MacDonalds and grabbed ketchup. We went back to his house to apply the ketchup for fake blood and applied gauze to my head. We waited maybe an hour or two to arrive. I proceeded to act all loopy like I had sustained a concussion. Everybody thought I should have been home and were concerned for my welll being. Until Dave started talking smack to me and fake hit me in the head. Things were getting ugly at the party and I had to pull the wool off their eyes and reveal I was okay and that we were just indeed, stupid.

6. Riding The Streets of Philadelphia
One thing I will always know of Dave Bell was his propensity and wherewithal to have a video camera on him at all times. He would show us his movies over the years. I remember one, it opens up with him and Lispki and some other people driving, and all you see is the open road through the windshield. The first words I heard was Lipski inquiring, "Do you think Cooter ever banged Daisy?"

So, one night after trying to terrorize the Drexel softball team for the second annual Tank Dog invitational, Bell wanted to drive to 711 with me and Raleigh. We approach the sevs and Bell, camera rolling, yells at a burly streetwalker, "Hey, is that a condom hanging out of your ass, you f****t?!?!" Raleigh zipped through the parking lot ran a light and nearly got us killed.

This was a short story, but one I will never forget.

5. The Ice Almost Kills Dave Bell
We had some pretty heavy snow falls in the early 2000's. We lived close enough as a group of friends to the Rush Elementary School in Cinnaminson. Anybody from that area knows of the massive hill that leads up to the playing fields for the High School. However, it was awesome for sledding. After like a 2 feet thick snowfall, we waited out the day to go sledding at night. We got to Rush and could barely walk up the hill. We did not have sleds. We had trash bags and garbage can lids. We all take our turns, some of us had been drinking, too. Due to the night time freeze up, some spots were really slick with ice. Dave went a couple times with no complications. We then moved to the softball field. We climbed the backstop and jumped off repeatedly into the snow. Par for the course were Macho Man elbow drops, leg drops, big splashes, and other easy to do aerial wrestling moves. Not satisfed with filling our thrill appetite, we returned to the hill. The temperature must have been maybe 10 degrees by now.

Every sledder shot down the hill faster than before. Bell, equipped with only a now busted up trash can lid, ran from a couple feet back of the hill's edge and took flight. He hit the ice/snow mix and shot out with incredible speed. We saw where he was headed. There was this really quick drop in the snow followed by a bump that looked painful. Bell was headed right for it. He had no clue it was coming as I believe he had turned sideways at this point. Then...BOOM! He must have got 7 feet in the air. Green debris from the trash can lid were strewn about. Bell flew through the air in a human mess. It literally looked like he just sledded away with a bomb that he was trying to take to safety for it to blow up before time ran out. He landed and rolled lifelessly across the snow, maybe 15 feet away from the bump. We laughed so hard. Even though we saw h was not moving, we laughed. We tried to go down the hill until we saw him struggle to get up. Instead of helping him, we laughed again as he struggled to make it up the hill.

What, we are mean people? Don't cha know we all aimed for the bump after that, including the man himself, Dave Bell.

4. Hurffville
One night we were at a WWF show at the Wachovia Center, partying it up in the parking lot. We saw an obnoxiously large pickup truck in the parking lot with one of those Calvin and Hobbes type cartoon peeing decals. Then below that it said something like "proud member of the Hurffville fire department". For some unknown reason, we began cracking Hurffville jokes. We talked about it like how people from Virginia would talk about West Virginia - with utter disgust and bias.

A school project came up for me where we had to volunteer to visit an EPA Superfund Site. If you don't know what that is, it is basically a very polluted site that the EPA has allotted funds and assumed cleanup. I used mapquest to try to find its location. Dave Bell and Dave Jacobs and I departed on a ride to check it out. We were looking for the former Lipari Landfill in Gloucester County, New Jersey. The mapquest directions led us to a park. This park was unusual as it was highly elevated off the ground. I did not know at the time that landfills were converted into parks after a lengthy building and remediation process. We went searching through the park, and saw no signs of a landfill.

Until we saw the barbed wire fence. We walked the fence for what seemed like miles. Keep in mind, this was around the same time as the Dave Bell human explosion incident. Of course, with Dave egging us on and the camera rolling, Jacobs and I found a way through the fence. There was not much going on there, but we did see a series of apple orchards that were producing landfill-grown apples. We ended up out another end of the park, and had to cross a stream. It was partly frozen, and when Jacobs and I thought it was not safe to cross, Dave Bell, the Magellan that he is, ran across the partly frozen stream to safety.

Once we all crossed, we found a tribute to a "Midget stock car race" driver. Further research revealed that this was not an ode to small race cars, but rather an ode to midgets who raced. Hurffville got a lot weirder. We explored the back roads again, and found the home of the United States National Jamboree as well as the NJ Mosquito Control Center. It looked like a breeding ground for the KKK as well as a place you could love your cousin and sister. In fact, I think that was the way of life.

3. Deerhead Attack

At the time, Ed, who lived above Bayards Chocolate House, had a girlfriend named Jen. Jen was a sweet and fun girl that Ed had no business being with. One night, a small group of us, including me, Bell, Jacobs, Raleigh, and Ed were hanging out, watching TV. In the weeks leading up to this night, Bell and I had been hanging with Jacobs a lot at his house. We saw that his dad was in possession of a pretty sweet deer head. He was proud of it, but it was never hung up anywhere in the house. For weeks, Bell would try to schmooze Mr. Jacobs (AKA the Warrior - in reference to a Dave Bell tall tale where Mr. Jacobs came out dressed as the Ultimate Warrior to yell at him) into letting him borrow the deer head for his dastardly deeds. Mr. Jacobs refused for weeks, until one day...

Jen came over to the apartment late that night. We ran distractions while Jacobs talked to his dad. Bell could have the deer head for this night only. On cue, he retrieved the deer head and quickly devised a scheme that all of us were in on. Somehow, Raleigh got the keys to Jen's car and she was none the wiser. Bell returned and the plan was in place. The deer head was strategically set so that the lifeless, antlered face of the deer was facing towards the window, presenting an eerie visual in the moonlit sky.

So, as tired as we all were, we stayed until Jen was ready to leave for the night. She finally decides to leave, and as soon as the door shuts, we all run to Larry's room to look out the back window. She gets to the car, stopping at her back driver side door to fumble with her keys. The lights on her car flicker indicating the doors were unlocked...she looks up as she reaches for the door, and looks up - staring directly into the dead eyes of the deer. We actually saw her eyes pop out of her head. Then we actually saw her leap into the air as she screamed bloody murder. As she was in the air, her feet were moving like the Coyote after he runs off the edge of a cliff. She hit the ground and made it back into the apartment in about 2.1 seconds. We were all laughing too uncontrollably to be any kind of comforting, especially Ed.

It was the best prank I have ever seen live.

2. Chainsaw Charlie in the Dumpster
A lot of ish went down at the Bayards apartment. During the summer months, we would hang out in the driveway or around back between the back of the building and the adjacent bank parking lot. Some times people (who will be referred to as "Shady") would go in to the neighboring Westfield Friends School playground and do non-playground approved adult activities. So this one night was no different most. In fact, a lot of people, old and new friends, were hanging around.

Bell was there, and he was acting weird. Or normal for Dave Bell. He went out to the bank parking lot and said something was weird out there. No shit. He saw some weirdo walking around. Kerr, as brave, I mean drunk, as he was, led the charge to find the stranger who was encroaching on our party. The search went out into the Westfield Friends graveyard. A shadowy figure approached every body, wrapped in toilet paper and bandages, panty hose on his head. He made weird threats to us. Kerr was in his face. I saw Bell standing close to the action. I knew it was his deal. Not many people at the time knew Bell like I knew him. This was the same shadowy figure who chased me in a car (with Dave Bell in it) through dirt roads in the Pine Barrens. It was Chainsaw Charlie (Chuck Sperbeck).

Charlie spoke jibberish and exchanged between threatening us with violence and just wanting to hang out. He confused the hell out of Kerr and others. We eventually left Charlie alone, and then retreated to the apartment. Kerr, still bugged by this guy, grabs a bat and walks outside. Me and Bell try to convince him to not take a bat as he had the backup of maybe 30 people (plus Bell did not want to see his friend take a bat shot as he knew Sperbeck was crazy enough to take one for the team). Sure enough, Kerr had the bat, and most of us slowly followed him on his search for Charlie. In the bank parking lot, Kerr began to give up on his quest. Then, like a psychotic and low budget jack in the box, Charlie pops out of a dumpster and chases Kerr back to the apartment. Charlie ran off and was never seen again...

1. Duba's Ark
The summer of 1999 marked the end of my short lived Coast Guard tenure, the beginning of the summer of Duba, and the start of my friendship with Dave Bell. While in the Coast Guard, I had a web page known as "The World of Duba" on the host Maxpages.com. I cannot recall the impetus for it, but I started a series of stories entitled "Duba's Ark" that detailed the adventures of me, a ferret named Bob, and a monkey named Mojo. It was a log book style story telling that people seemed to enjoy. Anywho, it led to an epic event (at least to me) that was the result of Hurricane Floyd.

Hurricane Floyd for us was mostly a large rain storm. Being younger and stupid, I did not comprehend the power of even a super rain storm. I knew the waters would rise locally, and that was that. So, who calls me up after the eye of the storm has passed. You should have guessed Dave Bell by now. He said he was coming to pick me up and we were about to go on a ride of all rides.

We go to Branch Brook seasonal store and were the only ones there. What did we purchase? Three inflatable pool rafts and some string. We went to the creek by Fountain Farms and saw water so high that it was just at the bottom of the overpass. We were setting up a real life Duba's Ark. By this time Larry Rooney a.k.a. the Larry Monster (happy birthday Larry) was there. We began to inflate the rafts ourselves in the pouring rain. The plan was to tie the three rafts together and trek down the river, Dave and I.

After exhausting ourselves blowing up the rafts we tied them together loosely with some string you probably would not even tie a kid's arts and crafts project with. By this time, the water was moving even faster.

We locate the only available launching spot. The creek was maybe 15 feet wide and our shoddy raft/ark combination was maybe 7 feet wide when constructed. Bell approaches the shore with the raft, and gets on it first. I begin emptying my pockets, and was literally 10 seconds from getting on the raft as well. When out of nowhere, the Larry Monster comes charging down the hill, leaping onto the raft that Bell's body weight was holding down. The rocket force of Larry's landing launched the raft out to sea. They quickly disappeared from view as we ran down to the embankment to catch a glimpse of them. They were out of sight again and we could hear them going "woo hoo" and "yeah boyyyyyy this is awesomoe". But then one of them yelled "holy crap" and there was a loud tree-cracking sound. We heard the two of them moan like they just had a night they didn't want to have.

We called out to them to make sure they were alright, and they responded with that slow, we are fine but everything is not alright type of tone. They reappeared like 20 minutes later. Limping, wet, and rafts deflated. I think Bell may have been angry at Larry for that, but I was thankful Larry took more initiative than I on that one.

There are many more fond memories I have of Dave Bell. He is a great guy who I am proud to call a friend, even if I have not seen him for a couple years.