Dubacross the World

As I watch my audience grow internationally (welcome, Portugal), I look back at places I have been and imagine where I would want to go. I have been around, to say the least. So, to appeal to my international constituents, I would like to detail to you some of my past worldly conquests.

1997 D-Day (Duba Lands on European Soil)

I remember my junior year of high school...it was without a doubt my most depressing year ever. After basically a year of training for wrestling, I hurt my back and partly tore a ligament in my knee during wrestling season. The college search was amping up. For some reason I became a mamby pamby pansy and moped around a lot.

So, how did I recover from that? Well, our high school did a trip to Europe every year. Every other year was a trip for the German classes to Germany and Auschwitz while the other year the Spanish and French classes went to Spain, France, and England. 1997 was the year for the romance languages to take their trip and leave the hate trip for 1998.

Looking back, I wish I wasn't an unappreciative 17 year old punk-jerkass. I remember seeing a million castles, art museums, battlefields. I also took a stroll with "Suave" Nilay Patel through what I am pretty sure was the red light district because he wanted to have a beer and see some chicas. I just remember one swanky club we walked into and just asked for a bottle of water and the girls and apparent pimp laughed at us. I think my girlfriend had an asthma attack and went to a hospital. And that was Spain in a nutshell.

We took a train overnight to France and, well, I have some vivid and bad memories of that place. I remember we were on the "underground" - I think that was the name of the public rail system over there. We were somewhere in gay Pari (that's how the French say Paris). Our trip was co-ed, but we always went somewhere in a group. So, some local French ragamuffins decide to speak ludely in French to our female travelers. These guys were like 24 and the girls were 14-17 years old. That's the French way. Just like the movie "Taken." Nilay knew what the men were saying so he spoke back to them. We had no idea what was being said, but we had Nilay's back. Our effeminite chaperone (Senor Pascual) kept us from doing anything stupid. We got off the train, and Senor told us what to do, where to be, and when to be there. As the train pulled away, those cheese eating surrender monkeys opened a train car window, yelled "Hey Americans, you SUCK!" and hocked a big lugie at us. I saw it. Nilay saw it. Ian Brown saw it, but he was the only one who didn't need to duck. We avoided it, but only for an unsuspecting girl to catch it on her face and hair. Other memories I have of Paris is a small Asian girl trying to pickpocket me on the Eiffel Tower during a romantic session, sneezing all over my shirt, and a man accosting me in the bathroom of the Louvre. I was at the world's greatest art museum and all I remember is a guy running into me while I was going at a urinal and then running off, like a crazy person. I also saw Notre Dame, but it was under construction and I bought a gargoyle paper weight.

Then we took a ferry to England. I do not remember much of that trip either, except being in Buckingham Palace, and then being an extra in a movie that was shot, filming outside the Thames River. I am sure we did some much cooler stuff, as I think we spent like 4 days there. Unfortunately, I don't remember much else What I do remember is having to land in Boston as the flight was altered due to some horrible rain storm and we got home pretty later than expected. I do also remember sneezing and launching my sneeze particles all over my shirt. Eventually, one of the chaperones asked if I had a mushroom on my shirt. Yes, I walked around London for maybe 3 hours with a huge snot-wad on my shirt. I also went into a Virgin Records store and bought a Nine Inch Nails remix CD - Further Down the Spiral. It was awesome and the song Piggy was remixed brilliantly.

Overall, Europe in 1997 was just OK. I often forget about this trip. It is unfortunate, because I see a huge box of photos from Europe but cannot recall what anything really was. I became friends with some people I was not normally friends with. I saw Ryan Donnelly step on a Spanish family and say "Mi malo" - an attempt at "my bad" in Spanish.

Spain had so many topless beaches, and for a 17 year old American boy, this was turning into the perfect vacation. However, I was with my girlfriend at the time, and so I began workinig on my creep stare skills. France had a really awesome castle with a forest behind it that was beautiful, and that is all I can recall about that. It was peaceful. Our flight over there had a layover in England, and we hung out at Brighton Beach for a couple hours. What I remember most about England, and very vividly might I add, is that Brighton Beach was a depressing beach covered in stones and grey skies.

Would I return to Europe? I have, but the far east side, almost in the Middle East. That is a story for another time. Kim and I would love a chance to come back to Europe. I do think American movies have given Europe a bad name lately. "Taken" and "Hostel", "Human Centipede" and "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" have made Europe look both scary and cheesy. I would love to go to one large heavy metal festival and see my favorite Danish bands Volbeat and Mnemic. The crowds at these festivals look insane. There are some romantic things I certainly would like to show Kim over there.

I would likely enjoy Iceland (I hear it is NOT covered in ice), going back to France (for my lady), England (although I will need an English-English dictionary this time around), possibly Italy, and the Duba homeland of the Czech Republic. Yes, it would be great to see a bunch of 5'6-5'8 unabrowed stocky people running around Prague.

That is that! Next installment of Dubacross the World:

You may like to fly around, but I prefer to stay on land. So, read next time about why I was stupid enough too sail to Bermuda, almost had my organs shut down, and lived to tell about.