Dubawkard Moments - The Day I Stepped On A Baby

People who have known me long enough know this story. It has grown in legend to me stomping on every baby I ever saw or being proud about this. Not the case. The story I am about to share is true. I wish I could go back in time and not have gone to the store that day. And so it starts...

It was a typical miserable Saturday mid-morning for me. Escaping up to the Mount Laurel Shop Rite so that I could escape the Hell that I considered to be my house in Cherry Hill. I often found excuse after excuse to go up to that area - be it Home Depot, Best Buy, or Shop Rite. I think I wanted flavored coffee creamer. The Mount Laurel shopping areas behind the Moorestown Mall are pretty family friendly and considered to be a "nicer" area than the alternatives. Therefore, families are quite abundant out there.

This day, maybe now five or six years ago, was a nice day to cruise out with your family if you had one. Earlier in that week or earlier that month, a guy threatened to fight me there because I said "excuse me" to pass by him. I don't remember many details about it, but I think he threatened to stab me. So, in a nutshell, I was extremely cautious with everything I did at this store.

Well, I get my coffee creamer, and I start to head to an aisle to check out, but something in the refrigerator from the other checkout lane grabbed my eye. It was like Pepsi Max or something terrible like that. I go to walk to the mini fridge when, all of a sudden (of course), a kid maybe 3 or 4 years old runs in front of me as I was mid-highstepping to avoid contact. I came down back hard on my foot, but my balance quickly shifted (much like Dolly Parton I am top heavy) in the same motion as my landing-foot. I start to balance out as my other foot is in the air as I look around to make sure I do not see the kid running around anywhere else. I lower my foot to regain my standing position - lowering my foot faster than I would to step down, but slower than I would to stomp my foot. If you can't see the difference, I cannot help you.

My foot was about halfway down when all of a sudden I felt some soft resistance. I immediately look down and to the right and I see the top of a baby stroller. Without moving my foot anymore I follow the length of the stroller to my foot, which is on the seat of the stroller. I slowly remove my foot to see.....

Oh. My. God. What did I just do?? I just stepped on a fucking baby. In a stroller.

I frantically look around for the mother, father, caretaker - whomever may be in charge of said foot-printed baby. It would look very, very bad for me if I was kneeling down touching a strange baby to make sure he/she was okay (baby had an ambiguously orange outfit on).

Please keep in mind, the last several paragraphs took place in a matter of seconds. I must have muttered "Oh my God nonononononono" really quietly to myself. The mother was like a couple feet from the stroller with her back to it. I exclaimed, "Excuse miss?? Is this your baby?" Like Willow Smith she whipped her hair forth as her head turned. She had a half smile that quickly turned sour when she saw I was distressed after inquiring.

"Please forgive me, but I just stepped on your baby."

I was ready to have anything said to me, even perhaps to be smacked. Instead the lady stared at me, bewildered by what this strange half-sized man just said to her.

"It was a total accident...I just wanted you to know"

Crinkled face now as she hastily walked over to the stroller, grabbed the handles looked down at the baby, and pushed past me.

I immediately put the creamer I was carrying on a magazine rack and went out the entrance door to avoid further confrontations. I never did get flavored creamer. I think I finished my horrible morning walking around Home Depot.

So, what did I learn from this event? A couple things:

1. Always err on the side of walking into the little kid. They are more flexible and durable than a soft brained, soft skulled baby that you can potentially step on;
2. In the event you may have stepped on a baby you will encounter either a fight or flight response. Choose the flight, and you are leaving the scene and potentially leaving behind a squished baby. Choose to fight, and you could get accused of molesting a squished baby. There is no win, but I think the moral high ground is to stay and inform the parent.
3. Women who are 40 with babies are very forgiving. Or heavily medicated without a care in the world.

That was truly one of the most awkward moments of my life and ultimately turned into one of those "why did I even bother to wake up" kind of mornings.