Horrible Movie Review - Little Deaths

So pretty intriguing poster, right? Just so you know, there is nobody that looks like this girl nor are there any spikes coming out of anybody's back. Instead, you have a movie that puts three random odd horror stories together. Random horror story TV shows and movies never work, probably because the guy who made this movie is leading the trend.

Kim and I checked out the IMDB synopsis. We should have been alarmed on the 2.5 out 5 stars. The synopsis declared this movie to be thrilling, sensual, and murderous. I like movies that brag about sex and murder, and this seemed perfect to watch immediately after putting Rocco to sleep.

Like I said, there were three short stories presented in this movie. The first one was called "House and Home." Once the opening credits revealed a name of "Nigel" I knew what was about to happen - A British accent movie. British is like another language to me. I can barely understand anything in British that is not yelled. Needless to say, in a movie about creepy stuff, there is a lot of British whispering. So, back to the first story...

1. House and Home: A couple maybe in their mid to late 30's seem to have some boring ass life where the man wants to do it and the girl does not. I am sure if this were a Russian couple, the man would demand and the woman would deliver. Big ups, Russia. Anywho, the guy starts rambling about how he was watching "her" again at the park. Some British whispering goes back and forth and long story short, they cut to a park where a homeless couple is snuggling under a tarp in the rain as the guy watches from his car. The guy later confronts the homeless girl, throws her some money, then starts talking to her. He declares he is wealthy but owes it to his faith and God. He likes to share his earnings with less fortunate people and takes the homeless girl home. The wife already has dinner ready and the couple offer the girl a bath, change of clothes, etc. Then the dinner...They offer her some obviously drugged wine as by her second glass, the girl is swaying and fading back and forth. The couple starts calling her a drug addict and a whore and other slang British words for streetwalker. Long story short, the girl wakes up, tied up and naked. Kim noticed the girl's obvious breast implant scar. The husband unsuspensefully rapes the girl and moneyshots her. They actual show the girl with stuff all over her face, then the guy pees on her face. He goes to take a shower and leaves his wife to have some "fun" with the girl. The husband returns to see the girl on top of his bloody wife, and realizes that they kidnapped a hungry homeless vampire for a sex slave. Wrong move, Napolean. He runs out of the house to his car and turns his lights on to find a zombie vampire blockade. He gets tied up in the basement and the girl talks about keeping him alive while feeding off him forever. With all the vampire zombies gauging out the wife's internal organs, I realize that the vampires just ate the couple out of "house and home". Clever, right?
2. Title that was written in cursive that I forgot: So a guy is locked up in a warehouse wearing a welder mask and a thousand hoses hooked up to him. There is a drug dealer and his girlfriend, Karen, who have a struggling drug business. Karen gets knocked out in the parking lot after selling for a whole day and loses all her money. The drug dealer boyfriend is not happy she is not pulling her weight anymore. Karen gets depressed, goes to a doctor who looks eerily like my doctor, and then gets some me prescribed. Meanwhile, poor guy chained up in the warehouse, we learn, is being "milked" to accumulate his semen which gets put in the medicine. Karen, taking the medicine, feels the pain of this guy. When the guy dies, Karen starts bleeding from her nether-regions and she becomes the next person tied up in the warehouse. Dumb.
3. Bitch: A British guy whispering to his British girlfriend about their love life, and you can clearly see the guy is the bitch. The girl goes to his bar and gets free drinks and the guy demands money. She will not pay him, so what does the guy do? If it were my girlfriend, I would spot her the money or the drinks, and nobody would know. In crappy British movie land, the boyfriend actually goes home, strips naked, puts on a dog mask, crawls out of a makeshift dog house, sniffs around his girlfriend's underwear drawer, pees on her underwear, and lays down in the other room until she comes home. Once the girlfriend comes home, she sees and smells the mess, grabs the "dog" and slams his face into the soiled underwear. Then she puts on a sexy-time dominatrix outfit and a strap on and gives it to the dog. The dog-boy weirdo enjoys it. Then like the next day the guy has sex with his girlfriend and it was only exciting for him, wink wink. You Russians know what I mean. Then the couple is hanging with their friend and the girlfriend and friend want a threesome. The boyfriend weirdo dog boy does not want to partake, but he puts on the dog mask, sneaks into the room, and watches his adulterous girlfriend. He takes off his mask and sheds a tear as he watches his masculinity drop even lower. If you ask me, this is the perfect time for a montage! Cue up some coming of age music that only British people would understand, and watch the boyfriend proceed to: tear apart the fake doghouse as the girl says, "that was for both of us;" the guy blows off his girlfriend in the bedroom; he rents a storage unit; steals or buys dogs off their owners; muzzles them for days; surprises his girlfriend with fuzzy handcuffs; takes the dogs to the apartment; boils some dog food stew; walks into the bedroom where his girlfriend is tied up on her stomach; he cuts off her underwear (that he peed on earlier); dumps the dog food stew on his girlfriend's ass; then de-muzzles the dogs. They go to town and the guy sits outside the apartment, listening to her scream as he has yet another tear down his eye. He showed her!

Again, that picture at the beginning - it shows absolutely no resemblance to anything that was in this movie. It should have showed bad teeth and a dog mask. Maybe some zombie vampires. This was an odd movie. But such is a Monday night without Monday Night Football.

This review brought to you by the fact that my work network was down.