I may not be rolling in millions of dollars and high luxury sports cars, but I have become pretty happy with who I am as a man because of the following rules...
10. Never trust anybody shorter than me.
9. Never stick any part of your body in a hole you don't trust (mostly work related but take it as you will)
8. I will never take someone else's opinion seriously if they are a fan of soccer.
7. Always find another lane when driving behind somebody with Virginia or New York license plates. In the case of a one lane road, hit the "Detour" button on the GPS.
6. Never tell your son a "your mom..." joke.
5. Eating steak wrapped in bacon covered with pepperoni smothered with Jack Daniels glaze topped with melted cheese for 6 months a year over a three year time will give you irreversibly high cholesterol.
4. I never speak to anybody at an adjacent urinal. Very few exceptions to this rule.
3. Never mouth the words to a song on your headphones while looking at a self-conscious black guy who has chemical burns on his face in a train station after 10 p.m. who is also staring at you.
2. Never eat at a place that rhymes.
And, the number 1 Simple Rule I Live By......
1. Never interact with the overly friendly customer service people in stores.
Now, some background on some of these. As far as trusting a person's opinion who enjoys watching soccer on TV, well, I question what you find interesting. I question your dedication to watch something you already know may be a tie and you are okay with that. Juicy Lucy's is an actual place I ate at near my grandparents' old house in Florida. We ate there the day before we hopped by on the train to come home to New Jersey, and it sure was the single worst bathroom day experience of my life. Sometimes, if you have a conversation carry over into the bathroom as you are walking it is okay to talk, but mostly when it is with one of my closest friends. Especially if there is that urinal dividing wall. One time, a former coworker followed me into the bathroom and was still talking as he walked into a stall. He asked me a question as his belt buckle hit the floor. I said, "Sorry Bob, but that's the line." Another thing, I cannot take giving any kind of response to one of those overly zealous, super friendly, ready to jump in front of a train for you customer service people. They ask you the most vapid questions with the hollowest of eyes and dumbest smile. I'm looking at you especially, newly reformed Jiffy Lube staffers. Knock it off.
As far as the thing about the train station, the man was very dark skinned but he had several large pink blotches on his face. I was mouthing the words to some Marilyn Manson song and the guy caught me looking at him. It was the kind of situation where you just happen to look at somebody the same time and make eye contact, maybe a split second before the other person realizes you both just looked at each other, but rather that person thinks you have been staring. Combine with the fact I had probably mouthed the f word to him by means of my crappy lip synching, it was another close call. Regardless, never do this to somebody like him.
3. Never mouth the words to a song on your headphones while looking at a self-conscious black guy who has chemical burns on his face in a train station after 10 p.m. who is also staring at you.
2. Never eat at a place that rhymes.
And, the number 1 Simple Rule I Live By......
1. Never interact with the overly friendly customer service people in stores.
Now, some background on some of these. As far as trusting a person's opinion who enjoys watching soccer on TV, well, I question what you find interesting. I question your dedication to watch something you already know may be a tie and you are okay with that. Juicy Lucy's is an actual place I ate at near my grandparents' old house in Florida. We ate there the day before we hopped by on the train to come home to New Jersey, and it sure was the single worst bathroom day experience of my life. Sometimes, if you have a conversation carry over into the bathroom as you are walking it is okay to talk, but mostly when it is with one of my closest friends. Especially if there is that urinal dividing wall. One time, a former coworker followed me into the bathroom and was still talking as he walked into a stall. He asked me a question as his belt buckle hit the floor. I said, "Sorry Bob, but that's the line." Another thing, I cannot take giving any kind of response to one of those overly zealous, super friendly, ready to jump in front of a train for you customer service people. They ask you the most vapid questions with the hollowest of eyes and dumbest smile. I'm looking at you especially, newly reformed Jiffy Lube staffers. Knock it off.
As far as the thing about the train station, the man was very dark skinned but he had several large pink blotches on his face. I was mouthing the words to some Marilyn Manson song and the guy caught me looking at him. It was the kind of situation where you just happen to look at somebody the same time and make eye contact, maybe a split second before the other person realizes you both just looked at each other, but rather that person thinks you have been staring. Combine with the fact I had probably mouthed the f word to him by means of my crappy lip synching, it was another close call. Regardless, never do this to somebody like him.
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