Honestly, I do not know how to even start with this movie. You know the tale of Snow White, right? She's supposed to be some hot country side lady who will rule the kingdom one day. So this movie tries to take the Disney version of this...
and turn it into this....
The result is this....
And to think, the most interesting thing about this movie is that it broke up "Stewson" or "Patwart" or whatever the tweens today call them. She had an affair, and received a lot of money for role as Snow White. Whatever. Next up, you have an overacting, bug eyed Charlize Theron...
Apparently, Theron's character is an old hag, and met somebody magical who granted her the power to stay young, forever, as long as she continues to mock make out/suck the face from afar of average looking girls, inevitably making the younger girl hideous looking while Theron devours her soul and beauty. This is what it looks like...
Also, Theron inexplicably takes a milk bath. I think it's milk. It looks like an outtake of an underground Japanese adult film...
So Theron comes in, murders Snow White's dad, the king, and kicks out Snow White because she is supposed to be beautiful. Somehow, Thor, looking like Thor, finds her, and wants to take her to her child hood friend's land to amass an army and take back the castle. He guides her through the forest and assembles an army, including these guys...
A lot of philosphical and "we talk smart" kind of dialog mixed with minimal action. And British Accents. You know the story of Snow White. But this is how they try to make it exciting...
There is a reason why the female knight in the show "Game of Thrones" can pull off the female knight look...
That's a huge bitch. (Not my personal saying, but recited from Deuce Bigelow, Male Gigolo).
Oh what the heck...
I just explained the movie. I have shown you all you need to see as well. The poison apple appears and Snow White convulses and passes out for five minutes. Then Thor kisses her awake. He was actually trying to mouth rape her as he thought she was a goner.
So, the only real redeeming quality of this movie, in my opinion, was that there was actually amazing scenery and art in the movie. Maybe it was because the rest of the movie was so uninteresting to me, but I loved the detail of every scene. It caught my attention more than the scenery in Avatar. The fantasy world of this movie had bizarro animals, including this mutant reindeer...
Looking back, we picked this movie out of the Red Box because of all the praise it received over the summer. That was Saturday night. I purposely drove it with me on my way to UMASS and dropped in another Red Box to return, far far far away from my house. I don't want other people I know to be affected by this movie either.
I know what you're saying, "Okay wisenheimer, what would you recommend instead?" Click at your own risk for the "Serbian Film" trailer.
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