Well folks, it has been a little over 10 years since I was last in Massachusetts. A lot has changed since then. Gay marriage is now legal in Assachusetts, the Patriots stopped winning Super Bowls, and I am in my 30s and have seen the world, live with my girlfriend and my stepson, and am what some would consider a "professional." I am up in Amherst at the University of Massachusetts today for the 28th Annual International Conference on Soils, Sediments, Water, and Energy. My name is attached to a presentation I will watch my boss present tomorrow. But enough of this boring stuff, let us get down to business. After only 22 hours in the state, I still hate New England.
I will start off my review by giving the state a starting score of 100 out of 100. It is only fair. Now, for my complete review from a very poor view point of an entire state.
ROADS
I believe I was on I-91 for a long time. It was a straight up two lane highway that had enough turns to make you guy well under the speed limit. I also was hesitant to use my high beams as the two sides of the highway were separated in elevation, yet I could still see those cars' headlights. If I can see them, they can definitely see my high beams. -2 points.
POTENTIALLY FUNNY TOWN NAMES
I passed a town on my way into the state, Mianus. Unfortunately for the sake of this blog, that town was not in Massachusetts. Instant disappoint when I found that out today. -3 points. However, a quick Google search found Cummaquid, Massachusetts. Close, but no cigar. +0.
ACCENT
One thing I was definitely dreading about my trip was the anticipated, ear bleeding-inducing, English language-butchering, make me unproud to be an American accent of the Massachusettians. I had the radio on searching for some music as I remember there used to be a nice hard rock/metal channel. Unfortunately I got like 1 hour of commercials. And in those commercials was 70% accent. HOWEVER, once I arrived at UMASS and spent my day at the University, I did not encounter one accented individual. Must be a lot of out of state students, and it is an INTERNATIONAL conference. +1
PEOPLE
In light of my last comment, I find the people in Massachusetts to be incredibly annoying. Everybody, when making a right hand turn onto a cross street or into a parking lot, makes a very wide turn. I mean like cringe in your seat bracing for impact type of turn. And they all look at me like I was the asshole. Also, maybe because it is a college town, maybe because people just do not change, everywhere I went people would still find a way to bump shoulders with me. Walking through the campus center doors, I try to go to the double door, right side, to allow for the group of people I see through the window to use the left door. But instead they move through the door I open and bump into me. Don't they see that I am wearing business casual and am not into these type of stupid games anymore? I am tired of people taller than me bumping into me. -5
FOOD
What is the one thing you think about when you hear Massachusetts? Chowda! So, I speak to my man Justin "Jutt" Carle and he tells me of a great pizza place up in this area called Antonio's. Now it is time for my first ever "Review Within a Review":
REVIEW WITHIN A REVIEW - Antonio's (a pizza shop)
PARKING - I circled the block approximately 3 times looking for a spot. I eventually circled back to the parking lot that was like 2 blocks away. I see signs that it is a kiosk paid parking lot. I go to pay, and it starts to rain. Hard. All of a sudden, I am soaked. I am trying to use my card but it will not work. I soon realize that the meter is broken and I am wet for no reason. -2
RESTAURANT - I walk in and it is a small pizza shop. They got the tall glass windows covering the pizzas I want to see and I have to stand on my tip toes to talk to the man. There were booths and tables along the outer perimeter of the restaurant and two tables to eat standing up at. All the seats were full so I took my business casual ass up to a stand up table. -1
STAFF - The dude who took my order was really nice and sounded like a guy who has lived in the same town all his life. However, he and the other people working with him were very friendly and that goes a long way in my book. +5
PIZZA - Jutt recommended the buffalo chicken pizza, but I did not see it. I definitely was going to mark this category down but I had only stopped short because I saw Barbecue Chicken Bacon Ranch Sicilian pizza. I got a slice of that and a slice of plain. The plain was indeed plain, but the BCBRS slice was a party in my mouth that the whole town of Amherst was invited to. This pizza made my day, and perhaps my trip. +10.
OVERALL - Tack on an additional 12 points to the overall Massachusetts box score.
LODGING
I found a Knights Inn within 10 minutes of the University. The staff in the lobby was very friendly and seemed to be thankful I showed up. It was 1030 p.m. though. It is is one of those "drive up to your room" motels. As soon as I pulled up, another car pulled up next to me and I thought perhaps this guy was meant to be in Mianus. I quickly ushered myself in to see that there was a space heater turned on. I did not trust it so I turned it off and turned on the room's heater. All it did was blow the coldest of air and would not stop until about 10 minutes after I had turned it to the off position. I was also pretty disoriented after 6.5 hours of driving with the window down. I had that wind blown heat but the room was cold now after the heater debacle. I slept like a rock though in a very not-quite-like-my-tempurpedic mattress I have at home. +/- 0
So, the total score is 106. Out of 100. I did something wrong here. I hate New England and most of Massachusetts. All I wanted to do was find the bar I saw in 2002 during a day trip to Boston called the "Raisin Duba". Alas, I am over 2 hours away from Boston.
Okay, I guess it is not that bad here. But who I am to judge after only being here for 23 hours?
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