Wedding Review: Fagan-Bachoven

It's pronounced, "Bac-HOOOOOOOOOO-ven" (while raising your eyebrows whilst bringing a challis of the finest seminary wine to your lips, pinky in the air). And on this past Saturday, two new members were added to the Bachoven clan - Jen and her son Alex.

To understand the day, let us first look at the way the day started. Snow. Ice rain. Snow again. Laundry. In the snow. That's how my day started. Due to the time of the wedding, we had to miss Rocco's Cub Scouts Blue and Gold banquet. Kim and I got ready, left a little late, and pulled up to the hotel while the shuttle departing Trevose was loading up to head to northeast Philadelphia. I asked the bus driver if she could spare 10 minutes for us to check in, and she obliged. We were the last ones in, but we still arrived in plenty of time.

The shuttle got us down in the area, and then suddenly turned into a parking lot with Walgreens and a liquor store. First thought - somebody wants to buy liquor and family planning gear. I didn't see the hidden gem of a building sitting behind this shopping center. It was like we pulled up to an urban gardening building. We got out and entered the lobby of the place. The coat check man, who looked absolutely THRILLED to be there, took my coat and we waited for all the late people to make it in. Luckily for the couple, everything that was planned was to be indoors. There were little wooden shamrocks to put a personal message on. Kim has much better hand writing than me, so she asked what I wanted to put on it. I said, "Have fun storming the castle." She would not put that down, as she didn't know what I meant. So then I suggested, "Go on have fun becoming a man." (That more unfamiliar line was from The Waterboy). She called me an idiot and put something like "Best Wishes." I guess that should do.

The table arrangements were labeled on small metal bells, and our table had the name of some form of Irish liquor. Except for the table marked as "Team Fat Kid." Surprisingly, some of the thickest guests were not at Team Fat Kid. They were more like a Team Chunky table. Anywho, my table was "Tellamore Irish Whiskey." We were one of the last ones to enter the ballroom and Kim, Pudding, Mrs. Pudding, and I sat in the back row. Then these two colossuses (Nick and Thea) sat in the only two available seats right in front of me. Nick slouched down, but it was too little, too late.

Jen and Dach are a match made in heaven. They look great together and their love is natural. Enough of the gushy stuff.

So, if I showed you earlier how to pronounce his name, why did I just call him Dach? Several years ago, we had just became friends of his younger brother, Matt. Matt went by the name "Bach." He never mentioned his family much. When we went to his house one night for a "my parents our out of town" spectacular, Brandon and I came across a picture of Bach and what appeared to be Bach's stunt double. Either Brandon or I said, "What the fuck is this? Bach and Dach?" Then the name was born. Fast forward a few more years, and I went out one night away from my ex-wife on the trail to reclaiming my life back. I met Ed from Philly and some others at a bar called the 45th Street Pub. I sat next to Bach, and I thought he looked great (for Bach). I complimented him on looking like he had lost some weight. He then turned to me and said, and I quote, "That's because I am his older more handsome brother - Dach."

A toddler pulled baby in a wagon and Alex led his mother down the aisle to join Jason (aka, Dach) as one big family.

Our table was in the back corner of the ballroom, right next to the cocktail hour hor dourves. Every time I got up, the biscuit wrapped weenie guy would pass by my table and I always missed him. The bar was huge and I was drinking Jack and Cokes with a Budweiser chaser. No Designated Duba that night!

I sang "Stuck in the Middle with You" and later danced to the song "Thunderstruck." I showed off the Carlton, Shovel, Lawnmower, Shopping Cart, and Chipmunk.

The party resumed back at the Radisson bar, whence I proceeded to drink Red Bull and Vodka for the first time and ate a bunch of french fries.

That's the nutshell, now time for the GRADES!

CEREMONY
Dach and Jen did it right. The bridal party was small, but the participants were huge. Bach was Dach's best man, and they stood side by side, one brother happy for the other while the other was happy to have him there. They looked sharp in their green-vested tuxedos. I do not know what color sock that Bach and Dach may have rocked, but I do know that the ceremony was chock of laughs, love, and light on shock. Like I said they found a baby outside and he sat in a wagon, sipping from a bottle, while other children walked ahead of him. It was cute. The ceremony had the minister ask if there were any objections, and if there was anybody who objected they need to shut up. When Jen first approached the doorway, we got the first glimpses of her. Her hair looked fantastic and her dress was perfect. Kim turned to me and noted how extremely busty she was. Me being of 1-inch lower than average height suddenly realized I could not give her a congratulatory hug without ending my relationship with my Kim.

Grade: A (for time, flow, giants, beauty, and green)

COCKTAIL HOUR
Hehehehe. I said "cock." There was a smorgasbord of items up on the appetizer table including pepperoni, cheeses, crabcakes, some kind of barbeque meatball, tacquitos, spring rolls, and wings. I think there was fruit there, and I sprinkled some carrots on my plate. It was all delicious. There was also a weenie man walking around with pigs in a blanket. Every time I got in line, I missed that man. No weenies for Duba. However, there was a hidden pasta bar, and I think I had vodka penne. I don't speak Italian, so I am not quite sure. Alfredo also made something, too.

Grade: B (no weenies)

DINNER
It was a buffet, and it was perfect. I voluntarily took a salad plus some other stuff that I honestly cannot recall. Why I can't recall, I don't know. I know I cleaned my plate, and later my colon. The food was top notch and I missed the roast beef carving station. The table dinner was served on also resembled that of male genitalia. I had a full (for the time being) stomach and was a happy man.

Grade: A (can't remember food, but remember I wasn't disappointed)

TABLE SELECTION
Timmer made a late trade to Team Fat Kid, thus filtering down the idea of that table even more. We were blessed with Bach. He gave me a blinking bow tie with a shamrock. Somebody said they were so glad they got the table with the leprechaun.  It was nice to sit with my closest friends from the past few years of my life and laugh it up.

Grade: A- (leprechaun joke)

DJ/MUSIC
The DJ looked like he could have been Ray Romano's younger brother. I saw him air guitar. I don't know the relationship of the DJ to the Fagans or BachooOOOOOooven clans, so I will keep comments to a minimum. Nicknames developed for him over the night included DJ Typical, DJ CLUEless, DJ Frank, DJ Herschel, DJ Everyman, DJ Openmouth. He came out on the dance floor at one time when I was standing next to Brandon. He put the microphone in Brandon's face, and Brandon yelled, "Don't touch me I swear!"

I liked the music. I liked that it wasn't all music I would get up and dance to, or else I would've been dehydrated and cramped by night's end. It was appropriate wedding music. Even Thunderstruck. Ed from Philly stayed out on the dance floor, moving like he was a combo of Will Smith and Kevin James in Hitch. I called him Hitch, but nobody else really latched on to it. Certain music makes my girlfriend throw her arms around me, bounce around as her hair shifts side to side. When she is out there doing that, I love wherever I may be at that moment. The DJ played Livin' on a Prayer and I sang the chorus and bridge as loud as I possibly could, impressing certain people with my vocal range and strength. Spam took the mic and sang "Scenario."

Grade: B (DJ Smiles, DJ Spam)

LOCATION
The place looked absolutely beautiful inside. There was plenty of room on the dance floor and room at the bar, buffet line, etc. I forget how many people Kim told she was told would be there, but it felt like 50 people, not 150, know what I mean? The bartenders were nice, the waitress for our table looked like the New Jersey Tan Mom, and the ceilings were tall to account for the large groom.

Grade: A

DESSERT
Dessert was available at the head of the genitalia shaped buffet table. I know some participants from my table had loaded up on cream puffs as well as dinner when they came back to the table. There were three cakes to choose from, and I chose the chocolate. There was some icing coated cake bites. Somebody told me what they were called, but all it sounded like to me was "Pedophiles."

Dach and Jen cut their cake, but nobody smashed the cake in the other's face. I know if Kim and I had a wedding, I would be divorced in seconds if I did that to her. I don't fault anybody for that. I also had an eclair that was delish.

Grade: A

Overall, this wedding was one of the best I've been to in a long time. I am very happy that Jason and Jen are together and have their family closer than ever now. I am glad I was thought of enough to bring down the average guest height. When we took a "friends" group photo, I was in the front. The vibe was magnificent, the main attractions were beautiful/handsome, and the celebration was merry.

Congratulations to the happy couple!