2013 Duba Mock Draft Version 1.Only

Ah. After the frenzy of Free Agency has run its course and the NFL schedule has been completed/sent to the masses, it is time to prepare for the 2013 NFL Draft. I started out okay during last year's prediction fest, so perhaps I will fair better. The key would be if I could maintain interest past pick number 4. This year, the Vikings, Jets, and Rams have two first round picks, and I am sure only 1 of those three teams will get it right. At long last, here we go...

1. CHIEFS: Luke "The Jackal" Joeckel

Andy Reid loves linemen. It's true. On his exit from Lincoln Financial Field I saw a bumper sticker that read "I heart linemen." It's true. The only problem for Andy Reid is there are too many sure fire linemen to choose from and not giving him a chance to screw up the first round.

2. JAGUARS: Eric "It Smells Like" Fisher

Let's face it. Maurice Jones Drew is losing a step or two but is still the team's focal point for the Jaguars. Blaine "The Stain" Gabbert is not worthy of starting at quarterback, but if he must than he should be protected. Perhaps it could help him immeasurably throw the football better. The Jaguars better hope so. Their defensive line was not so bad last year if you believe the analysts, so the defensive options are off the table. If the Chiefs go  Fisher, the Jaguars go Joeckel, thus ruining my predatory cat joke.

3. RAIDERS: Sharriff "Don't Like It" Floyd

Oakland hasn't been relevant since Al Davis died. They will take their chances on offense with annually injured players and unproven youngsters. Amazing how the guy who lost his mind sculpting a team in a weird image could not even put a solid future in place for his renowned franchise. I think K-Hovnanian should purchase the Raiders and develop them. That's some good home developer inside joke right there.

4. EAGLES: Star "Do the Wa"-Lotulelei

I know nothing of this guy other than hearing that he is big and nasty and could fit perfectly in a 3-4 defense while also anchoring a hybrid defensive scheme. You thought I was going to go with a "Starlite Starbright", "You could be my lucky Star," or "Wars" nickname, didn't you? FOOLS! He is medically cleared after his weird heart condition. I hope he can pan out to what we expect from the number 4 pick for the Eagles.

5. LIONS: "Since We Can't Draft a Brick Wall, Let's Pick" Lane Johnson

Let's face it. If the Lions want any chance to win, they need Matt Stafford and his hanging-on-by-a-thread shoulder to constantly get the ball to Calvin Johnson. Why not draft a defensive player? Well, I don't even know if the lions have a defensive coordinator. Also, Reggie Bush could certainly use somebody to help block for him playing against the tougher NFC North opponents.

6. BROWNS: Dee "Thomas" Milliner

What???? You don't remember the show "What's Happenin'?"? Punctuation question marks!!! I Milliner could help put Sheldon Brown into early retirement before the start of his 34th NFL season if he plays at a 6th overall pick level. If he is a shadow of Joe Hayden, the Browns can concentrate more on actually stopping the run instead of talking about it.

7. CARDINALS: Chance "That We Get It Right" Warmack

Didn't LaRod Stephens-Howling Run for -1 yard once last year? Carson Palmer is the kind of guy who needs some time to make a good throw, so hopefully putting somebody other than 5 empty jerseys on the offensive line could help make the Cardinals offense and Larry Fitzgerald potent again.

8. BILLS: Ryan Nassib"eemapetilon"

Apu from the Simpsons reference if you didn't get it. If you didn't get it, stop reading...

I gave you enough space to scroll through and stop reading if you didn't give my directive serious enough consideration. So, I go with the common logic that the former Syracuse coach picks his former successful quarterback as well, adding speed and heart to the quarterback position to match the speed and heart of CJ Spiller. For months Geno Smith was predicted to go first. I don't think the Bills would pick Geno Smith before Nassib. If they did, they would be the Buffalo Dicks. And they aren't dicks, not since they were last coached by Dick Jauron, anyways.

9. JETS: Barkevious "Banana fana forkevious Fee Fi mo markevious Me My Markevious, BARKEVIOUS" Mingo

It's a damn shame for the jets they could not have 53 picks in this year's draft. CBS has a weird stat on all the players, and Barkevious Mingo's hand length is 9 and 5/8 inches. He will join other oddly named players including JoJo Dickson, Vidal Hazelton, Bilal Powell, Demario Davis, and your favorite and mine, D'Brickashaw Ferguson. He could be a good key to the future of the Jets defense


10. TITANS: Ezekiel "Chubby White Guy" Ansah

Name me one player on the Titans Defense.



11. CHARGERS: Jonathan "I Hate People Who Spell it Johnathon" Cooper

Give them a good offensive lineman, and perhaps pundits will drop the excuses for Philip Rivers. The team has a bad run game at best, and anytime somebody tries to go through the line of scrimmage they end up with broken collarbones. FACT.  Protection? What's protection?

12. DOLPHINS: Xavier "The Savior" Rhodes

And now I am officially out of the players I have been hearing constantly about on the radio. The Eagles have the fourth pick, so it is very unusual to hear anything beyond the top 10 prospects on a regular basis. I would think they want offensive line help, but I suspect a trade to be made with Kansas City for Brandon Albert as is rumored. They gave away Vontae Davis last year, so might as well replace him with a later letter in the alphabet.


13. JETS: Tavon "My Career is Over Before it Started" Austin

For all the hype this guy has received, he is truly f-ed in the A. Didn't Santonio Holmes win a Super Bowl MVP? And then was labeled a detrimental factor in the team locker room? Maybe Tavon can pull off some of the more flashier moves to avoid a repeat of the infamous butt fumble produced by Mark Sanchez. However, maybe with Marty "The only time I don't pass is on the buffet line" Morhinweg as the offensive coordinator, perhaps he could be a Percy Harvinish center piece for the offense. Too bad the Jets have a 4 year rebuilding project.


14. PANTHERS: "What The" Sheldon Richardson

As an Eagles fan, I recall the breakout game for Bryce Brown. Against the Panthers. As a fantasy football player I am also aware of every other running back kicking the Panthers in the balls and producing serious running stats. The dude is huge and strong and if running plays develop still against the panthers, it won't be on his side.


15. SAINTS: Jarvis "I cannot wait to get paid to hit people!...Oh, wait, what? NOOOooooo" Jones

Man, what happened to the Saints last year was a real travesty. It was a shame what happened to them. The coaches violated rules, so I agree with their being repercussions, but they had no defensive identify. Jarvis was hot on my radar early in the scouting and he could be quite a physical specimen if used correctly. No doubt the Saints want to reestablish that kind of dominance, and no doubt it starts at 15th overall.


16. RAMS: Kenny "Can't Wait to be Excited for Half a Season" Vaccaro

The Rams took some positive steps in the defensive direction last year with that guy they drafted who had touchdowns in like 2 games in a row. Janoris "He Don't Bore Us" Jenkins was his name. With Cortland Finnegan and a first round safety, this trio could help improve their already improving improvements on pass defense, which has improved.


17. STEELERS: "Mary" Tyler Eiffert

With Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaath Miller sidelined (Steeler fans are annoying), the Steelers need a better option on Tight End for the near and distant future. I think a younger set of legs at this position will be extremely beneficial for Pittsburgh and Big Ben can do what he has done best - Get away with rape.


18. COWBOYS: Sylvester "Thufferin Thucotash" Williams

I have heard several interviews with this guy. If he was blind or homeless, he could be in the sequel to "The Blind Side." He sounds pretty awesome and I would hate the fact that he would play against the Eagles twice a year. He sounds like a potential strong leader that can keep the defense together and a solid anchor for their defensive line. I suspect this will dramatically improve the Cowboys defense, as long as Tony Romo doesn't get the offense off the field  as quick as he usually does.


19. GIANTS: "Baby I was" Bjoern "This Way" Werner

They love weird names, right? Jason Pierre-Paul. Osi Umenyora, Prince Amukamora, Eli Manning. The gang's all here! Odds are he will not be able to do a backflip like the Giants' number one pick last year, David "Tennis Ball" Wilson. The Giants always draft for need/best available, not panic, and they need Werner.


20. BEARS: Arthur "I Can't Wait to Watch Adrian Peterson Run Past Me" Brown

While Brian Urlacher gets to ride off into the sunset in Jenny McCarthy, the Bears need to add a top pick to fill the Chicago Favorite's spot. I couldn't tell you who Arthur Brown was out of a lineup of any kind, so here is a picture of Arthur Brown:

21. BENGALS: Eddie "Don't Forget to Tie Your Shoe" Lacey

Let's face it, Benjarvus Green-Ellis & Strausburg is not the long term answer for the Bengals. They have a budding defense and need some stronger steps in terms of running with the football. Expect Lacey to split the work with Benjarvus Green-Ellis, Hornig, Chapman, and Needenburg by the middle of the season.


22. RAMS:  Cordarrelle "Hey What's That Smell?" Patterson

Why the hell not? Add defense first, then find your offensive weapon later. It is just truly a shame that a Jeff Fisher team has been rebuilding every year.


23. VIKINGS: Desmond "Out of the Pond" Trufant

They boasted a pretty good defense, and can certainly add depth/new starter to replace Antoine Winfield. We all know the offense runs through Adrian Peterson and Greg Jennings provides additional support, as long as he is able to run around everywhere to get back to a Christian Ponder pass. Perhaps they get maximum value out of this.


24. COLTS: Brian "Hanky" Schwenke

At the center position, he will always have Luck between his legs.


25. VIKINGS: Manti "Man Crush" Te'o

The Heisman Trophy runner up playing at least 10 games per year in a dome? I think so. If the Yukon Providences of Canada had an NFL team, he would probably want to play up there, too. Go as far north as you can, Minnesota media can't be that bad.


26. PACKERS: Eric "I Got Threw Colledge Without Lerning How 2" Reid

The Pack needs a safety after booting their already too old safety Charles Woodson. A good safety and an impactful safety can make all the difference for a defense. The offense is stocked, but I was thinking of a lineman here to possible be a pillow for Aaron Rogers to fall on. I will go with the "one door opens, another one shuts" approach. What's that? That didn't make sense? Okay...did you also really think that was Arthur Brown? Well, it WAS Arthur Brown. Just an irrelevant musician.


27. TEXANS: DeAndre "Can't Wait to Play With Andre" Hopkins

Andre will tell you himself - he needs support. Andre and DeAndre could be a perfect tandem. In Spanish, DeAndre would mean, "Of the Andre." DeAndre will learn from Andre Johnson, thus making him a student of Andre. "Estudianto de Andre." See what I did there?


28. BRONCOS: Damontre Moore "Excited Than Dikembo Matumbo Blocking A Shot"

With the fax snafu ending the Elvis Dumervil tenure in Denver, John Elway and John Fox must patch up a defense that let one of their own players slip through the cracks much like the way Jacoby Jones slipped through the cracks in the Brocno's last game. Long sentence.


29. PATRIOTS: Margus "Call Me Mike" Hunt

They already have Aqib "No U after Q, Yo" Talib, and I suspect the Patriots will do more to bolster their secondary with later picks as well as get some new offensive toys. Somebody has to help Vince Wilfork "You Up" on the line to perhaps make the secondary better already.


30. FALCONS: D.J. "Tanner" Hayden

Abbreviations are awesome. T.Y. Hilton. L.J. Smith. C.J. Spiller. E.L. Cummings. M. Knight Shamalayan. One thing the Falcons do have taken care of - offense - could only really use a future a tight end...because every year they get their asses torn up in the playoffs!!! Oh boy I liked that. I hate the Falcons. DJ Tanner will go on to learn about how not to tackle from Asante Samuel.


31. 49ERS: Jonathan "Indifferent to Those Who Spell It Johnathon" Cyprien

Dashon Goldson out, Cyprien in. I hope Cyprien isn't gay. That Culliver fellow will be the first ever cornerback who plays facing the safety.


32. RAVENS: Kevin "I Just Googled 'When is the appropriate time in my NFL career to stop someone'" Minter "Fell"

Bonus nickname in there for you Game of Thrones fans. Hope that gave you a Throner. Anywho, Saint Ray left the Ravens to campaign for the new popeship, but he wasn't even on the ballot. The Ravens need to build their stripped down defense back up with a youth movement, and it starts in the middle of the field, like it did 17 years ago.


So, there you have it! Minimal research, and effort spread out over 3 days has lead you to today. Tomorrow begins the unexpected, so may your team do well, unless you are a fan of the Giants, Cowboys, Redskins, Broncos, Lions, Cardinals, Bears, Vikings, Chargers, Chiefs, Raiders, Buccanneers, Packers.

2013 - The Weird Year

Well folks, it has been WAY too long since I have last written. One month to the day, to be exact. Last entry was a review of the successful Fagan-Bachoven wedding. Successful in that both participants showed up and, as sources tell me, continue to be happily married.

There have been several events that came along this year that I never could have prepared myself for. Ever. Let me list off, month by month, the happenings in my life.

JANUARY

It was a pretty football-centric month. Unfortunately, the Eagles did not even come close to knowing anybody who made the playoffs, and their coaching staff was dumped. I think only Deuce Staley made it through the sieve as he is just too huge to pass through anything right now. I predicted maybe 50 percent of the NFL playoffs correctly, and found myself rooting for the Seahawks. My times have changed. As the playoffs progressed, I actually finally predicted the correct Super Bowl matchup as well as correctly picked the eventual winner!

The Eagles hired Chip Kelly and I shared with you the picture of him and Chris Farley side by side. Chip was one of the final coaches hired during a spree in which the NFL declared the fact that no new minority coaches were hired was a travesty unto the league. For real? Seriously, who cares. I don't believe somebody should be discriminated for their race, religion, sexuality, animal preference, or liking the show Glee...but I do believe that only qualified candidates should get the appropriate jobs. You can't even hint at racism in the NFL when the majority of players are actually from a minority!

Speaking of race, religion, and sexuality, Manti T'eo was revealed as having been duped by a man with a woman's voice who and nearly ruined his professional prospects. In my favorite post title of the year, Manti Te'Oh Noooooooooooo!, I backed up Manti as perhaps just being a big ol' goof who didn't know any better.

Once the Super Bowl was set, I relived several classic "Brother vs. Brother" stories throughout the history of mankind as well as describing who I was rooting for individually in the Super Bowl. I very much anticipated the big game, which took us into...

FEBRUARY

February started off with a bang. Literally only the first couple days. I turned 33 on Saturday February 2. On February 3, I saw a great Super Bowl that I accurately predicted as well as damn near got the score right as well. I reviewed the game, and all was splendid the following Monday. I wrote my review, and had a lot of fun doing it.

Later that night, everything in the world for me changed. I received the phone call from Brandon that I'm sure he never wanted to make. I received the news I never wanted to hear. I received the news I have not yet fully recovered from. A very dear friend - NO...my brother, a source of my inspiration and strength, a hallmark of what I have loved about my life, a go to guy who could make anybody's world better by just showing up - passed away. I do not and will not get into these details. That is for my other forum. Needless to say, the gamut of emotions that still run through me today are hard to sort out. I work on it everyday.

I miss you, my friend.

After the start of my new forum and paying my respects, I was back to work. Normalcy was hard to achieve, but the best thing to do was to stay busy. I put myself back to work at the farthest job site I had where I gave you all a couple snippets about the innovative remediation of groundwater I have been working on/developing. It was a grueling day of work, but the results should be tangible in a quick amount of time. I also exposed each and every one of you to some of the lesser known Duba's of the world. In this month, I wrote a synopsis on the Duba Plains of Africa. An animal hunting/observation/possible-death-by-lion resort, you can swat away mosquitoes the size of bats for the price of a month's salary. Don't bring your kids though because they will be considered food.

After poking Russia in the side at the expense of my second ever HTML based blog post, I did something I never did before. I predicted the Best Picture winner for the Academy Awards. I don't know who actually won, but I really liked the fact I got to use a picture of Kano from Mortal Kombat.

I loved using Kano. He had that great cannonball roll move.

MARCH

A little thing I like to call "FAT Tuesday" - Free Agent Tuesday - occurred. That's when all NFL teams open up the checkbook to sign new toys before the football season begins. Not sure exactly what I predicted, but that is for me to revisit next March. I look forward to that. I know I did a little bit better with the players I chose to highlight this year.

The Church elected a new pope. Pope Herbert of Quahog, MA. Not quite. It was some dude from South America. I got to find a picture of Poprah Winfrey as well as try my hand at pope name humor.

A couple days after that post it was time to party with the Bachovens. Bach's brother Dach got married to the beautiful Jen Fagan and put on a party I will always remember. Kim and I had a blast. It was great to be with old friends in a more jovial and celebratory setting than the darkness of February. It still felt weird to me, to be out and partying around. I allowed myself to let go, and life took it from there.

Then, the undocumented-by-Duba month began...

A coworker of mine since I started at my company resigned, and I got his position. That included an office all to myself and exclusivity of work pertaining to project management. I had always had my share of project management experience, but I was still also the utility player. I stepped into my office the day after he resigned and moved everything. Set up all my folders, computer stuff, and pictures. I came in that Monday, ready to kick some environmental ass. I did. I had to play catch up and relieve myself from previous work I was doing for other people. However, one of the first things I had to finish was reviewing files available up at the NJDEP office in Trenton. It took two days, and by the end of that second day, a Tuesday, shit hit the fan.

Seven executives as well as the company that employs me, were indicted on charges stemming from election law violations. They were (and still are) severe charges. It was shocking. At the time, nobody knew how to take it, other than it was bad news. What we later learned in an online news story was that the State had also won a court order to seize all cash and assets of my company. The State and my company tried desperately to salvage our paychecks, but nothing could be hashed out. Pay checks were put on hold and the future quickly became uncertain. The company filed for bankruptcy, and the State fought tooth and nail to prevent it. That fight went on for two weeks. The low point was when the company furloughed all 300+ employees. People went on unemployment. Others just stayed home and began planning their next moves. I, like a few others, came back in to work. Whether I was employed or not, I still had clients who depended on my services. It wasn't easy, and the distraction of the latest newspaper article was always there.

Now the company and the State have come to terms to allow us to operate as usual. The damage has been done, though. If you want all the details and specifics, you can just look up the few hints I dropped in the previous paragraph. It was a very, very difficult time. It still is as everything from seems to be pretty dynamic (i.e., constantly changing). To have to deal with bad news after bad news and do your job while everybody around you wants to chit chat can be exhausting. Also working not knowing if you will get paid is difficult. That takes us up to today. Four days after we were no longer furloughed, and now I am awaiting feedback on some things I just submitted.

What does my future hold? I shan't tell you here. I am The Great Jim Duba, not The Unwise Jim Duba.

I will have future updates soon. But I finally caught a break, so here is your treat.

COMING UP...

The NFL schedule was released for the 2013 season last night. I will attempt to do something I never have before - Predict every single game, the entire season, including through the playoffs and eventual Super Bowl winner. It will be like a March Madness bracket, only successful. I also will be predicting the NFL draft on April 25. Perhaps I should predict the season after the draft. It may take me that long to write, anyways. I also have come to learn that my involvement with Rocco's Cub Scout meetings have turned into an AT&T commercial. You know, the one where the adult sits around a bunch of kids and has hilarious conversation. I love those. The werewolf one is my favorite. I look forward to taking my boy camping on the beach next month as well as hopefully my vacation review.

Stay tuned! It's all uphill from here!!