Wedding Review: Fagan-Bachoven

It's pronounced, "Bac-HOOOOOOOOOO-ven" (while raising your eyebrows whilst bringing a challis of the finest seminary wine to your lips, pinky in the air). And on this past Saturday, two new members were added to the Bachoven clan - Jen and her son Alex.

To understand the day, let us first look at the way the day started. Snow. Ice rain. Snow again. Laundry. In the snow. That's how my day started. Due to the time of the wedding, we had to miss Rocco's Cub Scouts Blue and Gold banquet. Kim and I got ready, left a little late, and pulled up to the hotel while the shuttle departing Trevose was loading up to head to northeast Philadelphia. I asked the bus driver if she could spare 10 minutes for us to check in, and she obliged. We were the last ones in, but we still arrived in plenty of time.

The shuttle got us down in the area, and then suddenly turned into a parking lot with Walgreens and a liquor store. First thought - somebody wants to buy liquor and family planning gear. I didn't see the hidden gem of a building sitting behind this shopping center. It was like we pulled up to an urban gardening building. We got out and entered the lobby of the place. The coat check man, who looked absolutely THRILLED to be there, took my coat and we waited for all the late people to make it in. Luckily for the couple, everything that was planned was to be indoors. There were little wooden shamrocks to put a personal message on. Kim has much better hand writing than me, so she asked what I wanted to put on it. I said, "Have fun storming the castle." She would not put that down, as she didn't know what I meant. So then I suggested, "Go on have fun becoming a man." (That more unfamiliar line was from The Waterboy). She called me an idiot and put something like "Best Wishes." I guess that should do.

The table arrangements were labeled on small metal bells, and our table had the name of some form of Irish liquor. Except for the table marked as "Team Fat Kid." Surprisingly, some of the thickest guests were not at Team Fat Kid. They were more like a Team Chunky table. Anywho, my table was "Tellamore Irish Whiskey." We were one of the last ones to enter the ballroom and Kim, Pudding, Mrs. Pudding, and I sat in the back row. Then these two colossuses (Nick and Thea) sat in the only two available seats right in front of me. Nick slouched down, but it was too little, too late.

Jen and Dach are a match made in heaven. They look great together and their love is natural. Enough of the gushy stuff.

So, if I showed you earlier how to pronounce his name, why did I just call him Dach? Several years ago, we had just became friends of his younger brother, Matt. Matt went by the name "Bach." He never mentioned his family much. When we went to his house one night for a "my parents our out of town" spectacular, Brandon and I came across a picture of Bach and what appeared to be Bach's stunt double. Either Brandon or I said, "What the fuck is this? Bach and Dach?" Then the name was born. Fast forward a few more years, and I went out one night away from my ex-wife on the trail to reclaiming my life back. I met Ed from Philly and some others at a bar called the 45th Street Pub. I sat next to Bach, and I thought he looked great (for Bach). I complimented him on looking like he had lost some weight. He then turned to me and said, and I quote, "That's because I am his older more handsome brother - Dach."

A toddler pulled baby in a wagon and Alex led his mother down the aisle to join Jason (aka, Dach) as one big family.

Our table was in the back corner of the ballroom, right next to the cocktail hour hor dourves. Every time I got up, the biscuit wrapped weenie guy would pass by my table and I always missed him. The bar was huge and I was drinking Jack and Cokes with a Budweiser chaser. No Designated Duba that night!

I sang "Stuck in the Middle with You" and later danced to the song "Thunderstruck." I showed off the Carlton, Shovel, Lawnmower, Shopping Cart, and Chipmunk.

The party resumed back at the Radisson bar, whence I proceeded to drink Red Bull and Vodka for the first time and ate a bunch of french fries.

That's the nutshell, now time for the GRADES!

CEREMONY
Dach and Jen did it right. The bridal party was small, but the participants were huge. Bach was Dach's best man, and they stood side by side, one brother happy for the other while the other was happy to have him there. They looked sharp in their green-vested tuxedos. I do not know what color sock that Bach and Dach may have rocked, but I do know that the ceremony was chock of laughs, love, and light on shock. Like I said they found a baby outside and he sat in a wagon, sipping from a bottle, while other children walked ahead of him. It was cute. The ceremony had the minister ask if there were any objections, and if there was anybody who objected they need to shut up. When Jen first approached the doorway, we got the first glimpses of her. Her hair looked fantastic and her dress was perfect. Kim turned to me and noted how extremely busty she was. Me being of 1-inch lower than average height suddenly realized I could not give her a congratulatory hug without ending my relationship with my Kim.

Grade: A (for time, flow, giants, beauty, and green)

COCKTAIL HOUR
Hehehehe. I said "cock." There was a smorgasbord of items up on the appetizer table including pepperoni, cheeses, crabcakes, some kind of barbeque meatball, tacquitos, spring rolls, and wings. I think there was fruit there, and I sprinkled some carrots on my plate. It was all delicious. There was also a weenie man walking around with pigs in a blanket. Every time I got in line, I missed that man. No weenies for Duba. However, there was a hidden pasta bar, and I think I had vodka penne. I don't speak Italian, so I am not quite sure. Alfredo also made something, too.

Grade: B (no weenies)

DINNER
It was a buffet, and it was perfect. I voluntarily took a salad plus some other stuff that I honestly cannot recall. Why I can't recall, I don't know. I know I cleaned my plate, and later my colon. The food was top notch and I missed the roast beef carving station. The table dinner was served on also resembled that of male genitalia. I had a full (for the time being) stomach and was a happy man.

Grade: A (can't remember food, but remember I wasn't disappointed)

TABLE SELECTION
Timmer made a late trade to Team Fat Kid, thus filtering down the idea of that table even more. We were blessed with Bach. He gave me a blinking bow tie with a shamrock. Somebody said they were so glad they got the table with the leprechaun.  It was nice to sit with my closest friends from the past few years of my life and laugh it up.

Grade: A- (leprechaun joke)

DJ/MUSIC
The DJ looked like he could have been Ray Romano's younger brother. I saw him air guitar. I don't know the relationship of the DJ to the Fagans or BachooOOOOOooven clans, so I will keep comments to a minimum. Nicknames developed for him over the night included DJ Typical, DJ CLUEless, DJ Frank, DJ Herschel, DJ Everyman, DJ Openmouth. He came out on the dance floor at one time when I was standing next to Brandon. He put the microphone in Brandon's face, and Brandon yelled, "Don't touch me I swear!"

I liked the music. I liked that it wasn't all music I would get up and dance to, or else I would've been dehydrated and cramped by night's end. It was appropriate wedding music. Even Thunderstruck. Ed from Philly stayed out on the dance floor, moving like he was a combo of Will Smith and Kevin James in Hitch. I called him Hitch, but nobody else really latched on to it. Certain music makes my girlfriend throw her arms around me, bounce around as her hair shifts side to side. When she is out there doing that, I love wherever I may be at that moment. The DJ played Livin' on a Prayer and I sang the chorus and bridge as loud as I possibly could, impressing certain people with my vocal range and strength. Spam took the mic and sang "Scenario."

Grade: B (DJ Smiles, DJ Spam)

LOCATION
The place looked absolutely beautiful inside. There was plenty of room on the dance floor and room at the bar, buffet line, etc. I forget how many people Kim told she was told would be there, but it felt like 50 people, not 150, know what I mean? The bartenders were nice, the waitress for our table looked like the New Jersey Tan Mom, and the ceilings were tall to account for the large groom.

Grade: A

DESSERT
Dessert was available at the head of the genitalia shaped buffet table. I know some participants from my table had loaded up on cream puffs as well as dinner when they came back to the table. There were three cakes to choose from, and I chose the chocolate. There was some icing coated cake bites. Somebody told me what they were called, but all it sounded like to me was "Pedophiles."

Dach and Jen cut their cake, but nobody smashed the cake in the other's face. I know if Kim and I had a wedding, I would be divorced in seconds if I did that to her. I don't fault anybody for that. I also had an eclair that was delish.

Grade: A

Overall, this wedding was one of the best I've been to in a long time. I am very happy that Jason and Jen are together and have their family closer than ever now. I am glad I was thought of enough to bring down the average guest height. When we took a "friends" group photo, I was in the front. The vibe was magnificent, the main attractions were beautiful/handsome, and the celebration was merry.

Congratulations to the happy couple!

Holy Smokes!

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, animals - blessed and non-blessed, a new pope has been selected! This is a once in a life-time moment and it is an honor to have lived to see......wait a cotton pickin minute here! Didn't we just do this 8 years ago? And they elected Pope Benedict over all the other possible popes? I must say, it is refreshing to have an election not smeared with garbage claims from one opponent to the next. 

Did you get my "benedict over" joke?

I'm not going to lie. I don't know much about the pope. I know that bald Irish ladies do not like him.

I also know many people are clamoring for a black pope. There has only really ever been one official black pope, and he sucked.

Not a wrestling fan? How about this...

I do know that the pope is the longest reigning ruler of anything ever. That's pretty impressive and the Catholic Church certainly has been around since man first accidentally killed their savior. Good thing they found a leader before shit started getting real.

In all seriousness I get the idea of the pope. The pope is seen as the successor to Saint Peter, who Jesus dubbed as the shepherd for God's people (the sheep). So in the wake of the death of Jesus those who believed he was the son of God needed that man to pull them all together, hence the pope. Everybody needs a leader.

So I remember Pope John Paul Johns from my growing up years to his death when I was 25. The new pope retired which I think is an odd way to leave the seat. Even as John Paul was near death, he was still the pope. I did some research on the election process. The group of Cardinals ascend to the Sistine Chapel and go into a "sequestered meeting" that is known as the "conclave." To quote Wikipedia on the meaning of conclave...

so called because the cardinal electors are theoretically locked in, cum clave, i.e., with key, until they elect a new pope

So, the cardinals all vote on who they think will best represent God. They put their nominees in an envelope and seal it shut. The MC Cardinal reads the votes, and if one is not selected with a 2/3 majority vote, the votes are thrown into a fire along with some chemical to make black smoke (keep in mind they used to use wet straw before the Church made it okay to believe in science), signaling no agreement on a pope.

However, once an agreement can be made on a single pope, the votes are burned alone, and that is what happened a few short hours ago. The name has not been announced yet, but soon, somebody will be known.

Soon the "Senior Cardinal Deacon" will announce from a balcony presiding over Saint Peter's Square, "Annuntio vobis gaudium magnum! Habemus Papam!" Which I do believe is followed by the new man walking out and declaring "Ima da freakin pope!"

Fun Pope Facts:

• Nobody over 80 is considered.
• Pope is derived from the Greek word πάππας - Father
• The pope gets to choose his own pope name. Rejected pope names include: Pope Unarope, Pope Adope, Pope Ularahpinion, Pope Yulation, Pope Ingcherries

That wraps it up. I am glad the pope is elected so I can stop hearing people talk about it, and why the smoke is black or white. I just told you why. Now let's focus back on to the Free Agency Frenzy of the NFL! Boom!

FAT Tuesday Preview!!!

So, last year I attempted to predict where the biggest name free agents would land. I was quite wrong. Let's recap how poor I did:

• Petyon Manning (Dolphins, Arizona, and Denver) - Well, he went to Denver and led them to the best record in the NFL, and another first round loss;
• Vincent Jackson (Chicago) - Well, he went to Tampa Bay and everybody thought he was a mental retard, but he did quite well as the season went on, and provides that dismal team with some hope. I think if the bears didn't trade for Brandon Marshall, he would be on the Bears.
• Michael Bush (Bengals) - Backup running back extraordinaire, Bush didn't not go to the Bengals as they picked up BJGE, and he went on to continue backup duties in Chicago, eventually getting hurt as well allowing for the Kahlil Bell era;
• Mario Williams (Redskins) - Thankfully this was wrong. However, he kind of was a let down for the Bills. Much like Shawne Merriman before him;
• Brandon Jacobs (Jets) - He might as well have gone there. A kid sent Jacobs all the money in his piggy bank to bring Brandon Jacobs back. Jacobs did a nice follow up thing for the kid, but ultimately talked his way into a team suspension and missed the Super Bowl runner up run the 49ers went on;
• Brandon Lloyd/Wes Welker (Patriots) - BINGO! I nailed it!

As I look at the NFL website to review the top free agents, I see there is 1 day, 6 hours, 39 minutes, and 56 seconds. 55 Seconds, 54 Seconds... until the NFL free agency period officially opens. Teams were allowed to "legally tamper" this past weekend. Whatever that means. Is that like a non-sexual affair? Like teams can "emotionally friend" other players on other teams? Also, I don't quite understand it, but players cut from their contracts prior to the legal tampering and free agency period can be signed by other teams.

This year, I will break it down by position as last year was pretty much a mish-mash of names I could recall off the top of my head. But the truth is I am better than that, so here it goes...

QUARTERBACKS

Teams with a need: Bills, Jets, Jaguars, Raiders, Cardinals, Vikings, Titans, Browns

It is odd that some of these teams acquired well known QBs in the past 1-2 years, and the Browns even drafted a mildly decent but raw starter in the 48 year old Brandon Weeden. Apparently the new management in Cleveland doesn't really like him. Unfortunately for all these teams, there is just not much out there that is quality. The Jaguars need help, the Cardinals just blow, and Christian Ponder averaged under 100 yards/game in a series of weeks. Despite the Vikings making the playoffs, they did it on the back of AP, the leg of Blair Walsh, and the heart of the above decent defense.

According to NFL.com, the best available QBs include Matt Moore (Dolphins), David Garrard (I dare you to tell me what team he was on last year), and Jason "I wear turtlenecks" Campbell (Bears). I can see Matt Moore staying with the Dolphins as he is decent at best and I think he is a solid backup most teams wish they had. Jason Campbell should go down to Jacksonville and compete. He was a starting QB and even started a playoff game once. He could be the impetus to steady change down there. David Garrard should go home. Rex Grossman is available, and has an NFC Championship, Super Bowl start, and several comparisons in a bad way to himself under his belt. A team with good receivers who want to rely on a deep bomb should pick him up. Perhaps he would do better as a backup on a team with a solid O-line. Maybe that is the Bills?

WIDE RECEIVERS

Teams with a need: Vikings, Lions, Cardinals, Texans, Patriots, Dolphins, Bengals, Browns, Chargers, Rams, Jaguars, Colts

This is just to name a few. The Vikings have Percy Harvin who could be outstanding, but he hates them. Hates snow. Hates dudes named "Christian." Hates the lineage of Norseman who have been labeled historically as "vikings." He wants out, and then that team only has a great running back and kicker to get the job done. Larry Fitzgerald is nearing the end and needs help, and the Johnsons in Detroit/Houston could use some performance enhancing teammates. The patriots get it done somehow every year, but sooner or later BOTH their star tight ends will be injured at the same time. The other teams really won't have anybody after free agency begins.

NFL.com has ranked their receivers by their potential impact on a team. I will show you my top 5 and quick thoughts/predictions:

1. Mike Wallace - Another weirdo who hated success on his team. Held out once and hurt his stock, but he is a playmaker that the Steelers would never admit they would miss. Word on the street is he wants to take his talents to South Beach, and I don't see why not. They are an "on-the-cusp" team, but DO NOT count out the Patriots. I predict either of those two teams.
2. Wes Welker - The little man who got called out by Giselle "I have a moat!" Bunchen Brady. He was such a great contributor in fantasy and reality football for the Patriots, but I really don't see him having that success with an inexperienced or non-innovative coach. I think he can help some teams that have changed dramatically since last season as well as teams that often need that quick dump-off pass. I always loved Jason Avant on the Eagles, but Welker would be great as the slot. He could also do great things in Chicago, Arizona, Indianapolis, and dare I say San Diego. I can't see him wanting to go to the Browns for just money, but perhaps he is the missing piece for Cincinnati? I think he could best go to the Bengals, Bears, or even Arizona.
3. Greg Jennings - He had groin surgery, but when he eased back into the games he showed what he is really worth. He is a leader who some teams could desperately use. I think some teams could use his veteran skills to help a younger receiving corps develop. These teams are contenders like Seattle, San Francisco, or even the Redskins in the NFC and Jacksonville, Miami, and the Patriots in the AFC. Just because I like the idea of it, I want Jennings to go to the Seahawks and make my new NFC West favorite team more better.
4. Danny Amendola - Identified as a "poor man's Wes Welker" he is utilized in the slot as well. But he gets hurt. Bad. And frequently. However, he had 12 more catches than the Rams' second best receiver, and played only 11 games! Word is the Eagles are pursuing him. We would certainly expect Andy Reid to go after him, but perhaps Chip Kelly knows a better way to keep this guy healthy and actually use him. Talk is the Patriots would be interested, but if it's one thing I think that New England does well is move on. Amendola is either a Ram or an Eagle.
5. Joshua Cribbs - NFL.com has several other players over him. I think he could be a great fit for the 49ers or Redskins. Teams that have instituted successfully this pistol offense/read option crap could have an outstanding athletic weapon at their disposal. Cribbs never really showed his effectiveness as a wide receiver, but his return man skills - finding holes and hitting them with speed bursts - could solidify these defenses even more. I think his speed alone could also make him a viable option for either the Jets or Bills. I think if either of these teams show interest, the Patriots will snag him up. It is tough to call. If I could pick 2 teams he would most likely be with, I would go with San Francisco or the Bills.

RUNNING BACK

Teams with a need:  Jets, Lions, Cardinals, Falcons, Raiders.

These are all teams with a starting need, in my opinion. I won't go into who needs backups. The Jets have jack shit and Shonne Greene is a free agent that will probably destroy it somewhere else. The Lions want to have the ball travel 20+ yards at a time. The Cardinals just want the ball to move forward. The Falcons CANNOT rely on Jacquizz Rogers, mark my words. And the Raiders have an ineffective and overhyped Darren McFadden. So, here's the top 5, in my opinion:

1. Ahmad Bradshaw - He has the single most embarrassing game-winning Super Bowl touchdown of all time. He is quite the weapon though, and he just needs to find a magic genie lamp and wish himself some solid bones. If the dude didn't suffer injuries he could be in the top 5 in the league I think. Alas, he plays through pain and the Giants had enough of him. He is young, and I think he should split time in Atlanta to be a real impact running back. Maybe the Titans can bring him in to help out Chris Johnson? It's not like that passing attack is going anywhere. He could probably be a great weapon, straight up runner for the Lions or Packers. But, if he wants to ensure probably equal playing time, he could go to Oakland as the runner, and McFadden as a passer. Kind of like a broken down version of what I imagine the Eagles will do with Bryce Brown and Lesean McCoy. Final thoughts - Falcons (who are definitely going to be all-in this year), Raiders, or Packers.
2. Rashard Mendenhall - The dude became a headcase while recovering from major knee reconstruction. Perhaps he got pissed at sitting out while his team rotated backs in his place and was jealous of the success Adrian Peterson displayed after the same surgery. Maybe his value is knocked down and a team can get a starting quality back at a cheap cost. This sounds like a case for the New York Jets! That will ensure another new headcase for the team and headache for Rex Ryan. Maybe he can go to Arizona or the Chargers and help in a split carry way though to make their run game more effective. That's my choices.
3. Steven Jackson - The dude has heart and leadership and is just one of those really good guys you always get to hear about. I don't think he has ever been on a winning team, though, and it's time he gets to one. Rumor has it the Falcons want him, but I think they would be stupid to get another guy in his twilight (yet still effective) years. He plays through injury and never stops playing no matter the score. Teams looking to share time amongst running backs could benefit greatly. I am believer though that no matter the offers, he stays in Saint Louis. He gets the Jerome Bettis treatment from the St. Louis fans and his career ends knowing he gave everything he could to one organization. He is one of the good guys.
4. Reggie Bush - I don't really see what the hype is. He struggled out of the gate with his career and once he seemed poised for a solid career, along came Sheldon Brown in the 2006 playoffs making him think twice about being a professional football player. He is like a lap dance of a football player. Nice when you pay for it, but gets you nothing in the end, just that 5 minute nice ride. Rumor is the Lions want him. I see that Bush has become seemingly a leader and wants to win, and he has developed into a much better football player than when he was trying to force himself to be great in New Orleans. He should go to Detroit, and add to yet more of a passing attack there.Might as well try to get up 6 receivers out there at a time.
5. Michael Turner - He certainly slowed down at the end of the past two seasons, but he has those random 100 yard games still in him. Honestly, he could help a team bang it into the endzone such as the Bengals, Eagles, Patriots, Dolphins, Cowboys, or even back to the Chargers. Either way he will probably be signed to be in a reduced role - not even splitting carries at an even pace. He is tough to decide on, but he needs to be paired with a decent at best O-line. The Colts could probably use him as the stuff behind Vick Ballard is practically empty jerseys. He could be a great change of pace (i.e., slow) option for the Colts. Go Colts!

 TIGHT ENDS

Teams with a need: Anybody not playing in Foxboro, MA or New Orleans, LA.

As my friend says a great tight end is hard to find anymore. The Patriots have two, and the Saints have 1. The Falcons have Tony Gonzalez, who is the best available tight end. He will come back, I think, and go for one more ride in Atlanta. He will never achieve a Super Bowl win, though, and retire after another successful season. To me the most intriguing guy out there is Delanie Walker. The dude, if he could catch, would be a wrecking ball. I want him on the Eagles. I want to see a bowling ball blocking like a tight end is supposed to. He can develop ball catching skills, but we need additional blockers and first aid kits for Michael Vick to survive the season. I want this guy as it's been a while since the Eagles have had a multi-use player like that. Other predictions - Dustin Keller goes on to perhaps the Rams, Dolphins, or Bears. Fred Davis comes back to the Redskins. Jared Cook finds a helmet he can fit his head in at either the Rams, Dolphins, or Bears (whichever team Keller rejects), and Martellus Bennett - the Black Unicorn himself - returns to the Giants.

DEFENSE (you will gain no knowledge nor read any insight in this section)

This section will be slightly different, as I am still totally uninformed in terms of knowing these players. I am working on it, but I certainly don't expect one year of watching every football game I could is enough to fully educate me (perhaps I need more defensive players in fantasy football?). I wish I knew more about lineman so that I could be an expert here. The linebackers and secondary players get the most credit (or blame) for a team's defensive success. Analysts will say, "It all starts at the line blah blah blah..." Then they will mention the other 3 to 7 players beyond the line by name. I think the most impactful free agent would be Dominque Rogers-Cromartie. He showed great physical presences when he wanted to. His only problem was quitting too early in the season. Get him on a staunch defense and he could do well. Where that is, i don't know. Perhaps Atlanta? They got the most out of another Philadelphia dump off - Asante Samuel. At linebacker, Dannell Ellerbe is primed for a pay day. I watched him play a few times, and he learned and then, in my opinion, supplanted Ray Lewis as the Ravens main linebacker. He can go to a team who desperately needs his presence. The Jaguars, Vikings, and Rams could use him, and perhaps the Chargers as well. I just don't know. The two top safeties are Glover Quin (Texans) and Dashon Goldson (49ers). I would like Goldson over Quin. I remember a couple teams lighting up the Texans secondary quite a bit. Goldson seems like more of a solid player. I would like Goldson with the Eagles, just to provide that name recognition and leadership to the team. The Dolphins could use the services of Quinn to stay strong on the back end of their defense.

KICKERS

Billy Cundiff will pop up on some team, somewhere, and disappoint an entire city.

Well, there you have it! My probably wrong, completely uneducated look at the best of the best in this year's free agent class. May your team get the best available player.