PART 1
Tailgate Part-aaaaaaaaaay!
Ladies and Gentlemen, let's turn this into a fun sandwich trilogy, shall we? I was afforded the opportunity last night to attend the last Thursday Night Football game of the year. When somebody lands four tickets for free, you gotta weasel your way into one. Luckily I made the cut again this year. I shall start Part 1 with reviewing my tailgate experience from the back of a Hyundai, the game, and the elements of the game that makes sitting in Section 110 always fun.
Attendees
Brandon: Loves football, and I try my best to show my thanks for all his help over the past couple years by taking him to any game I can get tickets to. He was hoping the Eagles would win so he could have positive thoughts. He rates players potential based on their thickness. I have noticed that the thicker one is, the more of a player they are in Brandon's eyes. You think I am making jokes, but I am not.
Mandi: Brandon's betrothed...She is a newer football fan and never been to a game before. She lost her virginity in that sense with three guys. She laughs at all my football jokes and that instantly raises my level of enjoyment. In the good old days when the Barrett household had DirectTV, there was a button on the remote control that when pressed during normal TV mode would make a dull "donk" sound. It was glorious during football games or UFC fights. I told Mandi to make her night more enjoyable I would be the de facto "donk".
Duba: Always the man with the grill who cleans, uses, and places it back in storage once every year for such occasions. Eagles fan and also owner of the Cincinnati Bengals defense on my two remaining playoff fantasy teams - win win situation. Unfortunately, the good lord did not bless me cooking skills, mechanical skills, good looks, good luck, above average height, a certain future head of hair, increased metabolism, or normal toes, but he did bless me with an ability to always cross a line and never care about what I say.
Jay: The man with the tickets. He is eligible every year to use tickets his sister's boss wants to give away. He also had on approximately 12 different articles of clothing last night with 28 total pockets.
Food
Bubba burgers, kettle cooked chips, buns, ketchup.
Brandon packed away pretzels somewhere, and I never saw them. I totally prefer pretzels to chips and I don't owe you any explanation on that. I struggled to assemble the mini Coleman propane grill as I dropped pieces of it everywhere. I was about to light it with a lighter until I realized it had a push start/light. I surely would have been in flames. I need to use this thing more than once per year. I am not good at grilling Bubba Burgers. I could not get the flame right on the grill. Any type of small adjustment I thought I could make turned it off. So, flamebroiled burgers it was. I mean these things looked like the insides of a Russian trash stove. However, with a little bit of cheese and heaving helping of ketchup, they were delicious. I am a bad food flipper. I crushed the burgers or mashed them several times into the grill. I was constantly a threat to drop the burger on the ground and I liked watching Brandon sweat as his potential floor burger was being crafted. And mashed. I was the only person short enough though to reach the burgers with the tongs on our street level grill without bending over.
Beer
Keystone Light, Pabst, Some Hipster Beer
I am not known for my drinking prowess or capacity, but I was able to imbibe two total cans of the 'stone in the near three hours of tailgating we partook. Brandon and Mandi rewarded Jay for his tickets with some kind of "unfiltered" beer that had chunks of wood, cinnamon, finger nail clippings. I was told I wouldn't like it, but the more disgusting it is the more I will probably like it. Mandi and Brandon consumed mostly Pabst's. Jay immediately brought up we needed Southern Comfort, which always takes me back to the day that I drank a bottle of it and a rescue party found me in the woods sleeping in poison ivy. Oh to be young again.
Jay also had a grape flavored 5 Hour Energy that we split. I took about 2 hours of it and Jay had the other 3. It takes a special flavor to mask the chalky texture of the drink, and I instantly washed it down with my Keystone Light. I would've washed it down with a homeless man's bathwater. Anywho, the drink kept me thriving all night while Jay was dragging ass by the end. His unfiltered hipster loving disease coated beer had 8.something percent alcohol and he appeared on the tail end of his nightcap.
Entertainment
Brandon pulled his Hyundai Santa Fe into the parking spot but I backed into mine. I live maybe 15 minutes south of the stadium and wasn't going to pass the city three separate times and drove myself. We popped open that bad boy of a trunk and I immediately laid everything pertaining to the grill that was black onto the black plastic coated mat, thus looking everywhere in a frantic search for the missing pieces. I could not properly put together the grill as I was dropping pieces everywhere. Once the grill was set up, we immediately realized all the stuff we forgot that could have been fun.
If you were not one of the attendees, odds are we were entertained at your disposal. Common topics include when Brandon's brother Matt killed a rabbit with a rock and Brandon telling Mandi when they first started dating that I had a lip fungus. About a month later I had some nice beer that I offered to Brandon to take a swig of, and Mandi was appalled. She confronted him saying he couldn't kiss her now, but then Brandon caved and told her it was a lie. The most disturbing part of this lie is that I found out about it like a year or two later. Next year, we need the following: Chairs, table, real grill, real cook, plates, entertainment, and more people.
I kept my eyes peeled for this guy in a power chair. He wasn't just any old guy in power chair. We aren't talking about a power chair provided by this guy
This was a guy who had a stereo set up throughout his chair, with a microphone for karaoke, only he had no teleprompter. He would sing a sexy soulful song to crowds of ladies throughout the parking lot. He let a musical interlude take over last year and turned to a woman suggesting he could take her higher. The woman responded, giggling, "Are you serious?" Too which the man declared, "I'm as serious as a heart attack" right at the end of the musical interlude and straight up into the song. I am searching everywhere for my video, but alas I cannot find it.
Speaking of Tom Kruse, a gaggle of streetwalkers were traveling through the parking lot handing out posters and postcards of Tom Cruise's new movie - Jack Reacher. Brandon stopped the ladies of the evening to ask, "You do know that nobody is going to see this, right?" The soulless women laughed and said "I'm just getting paid so I don't care hahahahahahahahahasoullesslaughahahahahaha". Brandon finished the conversation by declaring that Jack Reacher sounded like a porn star.
Overall
I don't care if I am with one friend or several, as long as I am hanging out with somebody who's company I actually enjoy I can have a good time anywhere. We certainly do have great intentions to party to the max, but partying was put on hold for long pee lines and Jay to suit up all his wintry mix gear. Partying was also cut short by Mandi's overactive bladder and her refusal to duke it out in the "Royal Flush."
That said, the burgers were quite filling and was technically my 5th and 6th burger patty of the day (two McDoubles earlier in the day - no wonder I can't lose weight), the beer was like water, but thus is the nature of Keystone Light; the conversation was grand - just an all around good time. I finished my hijinks by dropping my grease filled grill on the ground and leaping away from grease spray.
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