Ladies and gentlemen I do apologize for my absence. It has been very long since I have been here. In the time since i last left you 3 weeks ago several things have happened. First, I put in my resignation at my old job, then jetted to Florida with Kim and Rocco for the greatest surprise birthday gift ever, then started a new job upon my return. To prepare for the latter, I recently shopped for some new business casual clothing, specifically pants. Gone are the days of wearing the same jeans or cargo pants for a week. If they want to pay me like a big boy I might as well dress like one. So that led me to today where I wore a new pair of pants that were purchased on Friday night. Unfortunately I have reached a point in my life where my waist line is greater than my age. Yet I am older than my inseam is long. Anywho, I bought a pair that was a little too short, and thankfully it rained today as I was ready for a flood. It actually didn't look half bad, until I sat down and folded my legs.
This got me thinking of some of my worst clothed moments ever. I don't have swag. My fashion is more like lag. I wish (i.e., I am glad that I don't ) I had pictures of my five worst fashion faux pau moments...
5. The Inside Out Green Shirt: I. Spent my youth in the Boy Scouts and tried my best to be the best at it. However like every other suburban teenager, I didn't want to show it to those not in the Scouts. I spent one year at a summer camp with a different troop to help the younger scouts, from Troop 8 from Cinnaminson. They gave me a dark green shirt with Troop 8 on the left breast quadrant. The camp was great, and the shirt was a nice dark green. I. Proceeded to wear the shirt to functions, inside out, for years. This eventually graduated into me wearing blank tshirts in general. But it wasn't like I could hide the fact I was wearing a shirt inside out.
4. My Turtleneck and Button Down Shirt Phase: it was middle school, and my Cinnaminson Middle School yearbook that year had captured it magically. I had several hand me down shirts from brother for my middle school years (1990-1994). I had yellow, blue and red striped shirts. I. Remember some different ones, but they were my exterior layer. Tucked inside these buttoned and striped shirts was the bane of all shirts - the turtleneck. I had black, blue, red, white, brown. Knowing what I looked like now i would advise "The Pubescent" Jim Duba to dress otherwise. As I got older I turned into a sweat mongering baby seal of a man and that look, even if it made a comeback (I don't know if it even started) it would be impossible for me to pull off. I looked liem an extra on Saved By the Bell.
3. Pants That Turned Into Shorts: I originally bought these pants for a trip I took with the Scouts to New Mexico. It was a 2 week hike across the woods/mountains and we experienced a variety of weather. The pants were very comfortable. Eventually during my Junior year in High School I started to wear them to class. This was around the time people started rolling one pant leg up. I wanted to be a trend setter, so I would walk around school with only one pant leg on. I would switch them over between classes, so if somebody saw me with the right leg off, they were confused when they saw me later with the right leg covered and left one off. As Brandon Barrett would say, "Sometimes your funny just has to be for you." These pants were actually quite a hit among the masses, but it was when the button broke off them that I should have given them up. I had string for a belt and safety pins for buttons. I wore these pants a lot.
2. Parting My Hair Down The Middle: Not necessarily a clothing error, but rather a style error that further cemented the fact I have none. I had hair that typically came down to my eyeballs if I combed it straight down. I used to have crew cuts every summer, then my mom wanted me to make my hair grow out and part it to the right. I had kind of a Bob's Big Boy kind of look. I always wanted long hair that I could shake my head back to get it out of my eyes. So, I had to be resourceful. I just parted my hair down the middle rather than to the right. I would let it grow a little long so that when I wore a baseball hat, the neck hairs would be so long that they would curl up like I had long hair. When my hat came off I looked like a hairy set of butt cheeks with eyes nose and mouth below it. This was then superseded by the dumb and dumber look I rocked during my senior year.
1. My Purple and White Striped Shirt With a Black Collar and Black Elbow Patches: This was my favorite shirt of all time. I thought it had pinosh. I wore it proudly once a week. It looked exactly as I described it in the title of my post. I wore it so much the white stripes became off-white and the black parts became grey. When I had my mom buy it for me, she declared, in the middle of the store it was for "wiggers." She said it a little too loud and too disgusted for somebody saying a word that ends with "igger" in public. I think I wore this shirt for almost 10 years. One day when I finally had my own house, I looked in my closet as I was hanging up my "May I suggest the Sausage" T-shirt and noticed this mosnstrosity of a shirt. I looked at it and remembered all my life events to that point I had with it. Then I started wondering what people said behind my back about it. I wish I could find a picture of it, but alas it was truly one of a kind and I must've bought the only one.
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