MAY
Iron Man 3 - The first of the blockbusters. The first in a series of movies that are sequels to another series of movies leading into a new series of movies. If you don't like anything Marvel has done movie-wise int he past several years, you are a clown. Iron Man 2 was okay, but this should be great. Thankfully it's just barely over 2 hours, but that 130th minute will no doubt have something to tease you for the next Thor or Captain America movie.
The Iceman - The story of a hitman for the mob who killed people and stored bodies in his ice cream truck. This story is amazing actually and shocking. However, when IMDB says "..that David Schwimmer (who is piecing together an admirable indie-film resume) is barely recognizable in his role." Well goddammit. I didn't want to recognize him.
What Maisie Knew - A girl caught up in her parents custody battle as the former spouses find significant others. Looks like, as a fellow step-parent - hold the step, a movie I may be interested in. It is probably the only sappy, non-over-the-top movie I could be interested in this summer.
Kiss of the Damned - Okay. This movie is being released on On Demand the day it hits theaters. More stupid vampires. More stupid names of stupid vampires. More people starring in it whose names I cannot pronounce. Sounds stupid.
The Great Gatsby - I don't know the book, so I fully expect to be entertained by this movie. This is what a team of "editors" at IMDB have declared about the movie:
he Buzz: Our love for certain novels doesn't desire to see them confined to the page or protected from being interpreted on film; take for example Cary Fukunaga's Jane Eyre, a perfect adaptation of Charlotte Bronte's dreary, soot-eyed romance, and an example of underdog cast and director choices at their most winning. When it comes to Leonardo DiCaprio reteaming with Baz Luhrmann to interpret F. Scott Fitzgerald's second-best novel, I often think that the people who have the power to green light (Gatsby reference) major projects aren't necessarily the best fit to star in them. Or act as their director. As respected as he aims to be, Leonardo DiCaprio is at his least effective handling serious drama; Luhrmann, with all of his mega-budget entitlement, has bewitched the industry, but let's see how his latest epic plays out in terms of audience appeal. ” - IMDb Editors
What? The music sounds cool, and there's lots of colors. May be a Red Box movie.
Peeples - Meh. Tyler Perry tries to teach us a lesson by using the actor who I thought was Patrice O'neil.
Aftershock - Foreigners go to an underground club in Chile (which has several active fault lines). Surprise, there's an earthquake, and the tourists must survive. I would have to see a preview. It's an interest level of 1 out of 10 compared to the blockbusters.
Star Trek Into Darkness - On May 17, parents across the country will celebrate that they got their nerdy adult-aged kids out of the basement and will quickly move to change the locks on their doors. It's a prequel, a sequel to the first prequel, and I know nobody will die. It is very hard to get my interest.
Fast & Furious 6 - The fact this is 130 minutes is ludicrous. I think I have seen one or two of these movies, and they were just whatever to me. What I can't stand is the next summer full of teenagers and early 20 year olds thinking they are Vin Diesel driving a Honda Civic that they pretend is a Ferrari.
The Hangover Part III - Well, maybe its the same jokes all over again, but if something is funny its funny. The second one wasn't as funny. Everybody in the movie just seemed to be too cool for their own good. And it was a carbon copy of the original. Probably a Red Box rental for me, or if the commercials and reviews of it get better, maybe an ideal drive-in movie.
Epic - Kids cartoon movie. Rocco has a strong interest. Will probably go see it with him. If he behaves.
Now You See Me - Robin Hood does magic. Mild interest.
After Earth - Will Smith takes his kid to outer space and crash lands back at Earth. Sonny boy must go get help in an unknown Earth, after humanity has been erased. If it is like any other Will Smith glactic/futuristic mega movie, this could actually be pretty entertaining.
The East - Sounds like a female Jason Bourne. Sounds potentially very confusing. If I read that it is confusing, I will not see this.
JUNE
The Internship - Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn get fired and have to find internships at Google. They probably go on to be competitive with the youngins, get made fun of, make fun of the youngins back, and then probably kill the last 30 minutes of the movie by becoming friends with them. Probably 75 percent funny, 20 percent "I can't believe how boring the end was", 5 percent "They are two old for this." The IMDB editors declare that people who are outside of the range of 18 to 34 years old probably won't find this funny. T-minus 1 year until this movie will suck for me.
The Purge - For one night you can commit any crime with no penalty. Awesome concept. I think it will hit home with what human nature dictates people will inherently do. It is a short movie at 85 minutes. Ethan Hawke is kind of underrated in my opinion, but I hope this is a fun movie. Why it is called a "Purge" - If there are no rules why not just drop a nuclear bomb on cities you don't want around anymore? That would be the quickest purge instead of making a world totally based on fear. Maybe that happens anyway. Who knows.
This is the End - So the actors play themselves and have to go on a celebrity "every man for himself" style survival fight. The cover photo is enough to make me want to start laughing already. Paul Rudd and Danny McBride will make this movie extremely excellent. This is hopefully on the level of Hot Rod. Sinkhole De Mayo.
Man of Steel - Did you know it has been 7 years since the last Superman movie? I remember my ex-wife asking me why I couldn't be more like Superman. For real. But I digress. Super hero movies have changed tremendously for the better, so I don't see how this one will suck. I didn't think the last one sucked, but it wasn't great. It was like the first Hulk movie.
The Bling Ring - Some celebutards want to track celebrities, starring that girl from Harry Potter I don't care about.
World War Z - Another book turned movie, and I will rather spend 20 bucks and 2 hours watching what looks entertaining. I don't believe zombie apocalypses will ever happen, but if it does I am fully prepared to move to South Dakota. I like epic, big explosion/big action/big scenery type end of the world movies. I will not allow myself to not be entertained.
Monsters University - A prequel to Monsters, Inc., the preview we saw of this movie as a family last year was impressive. The animation looks incredible. I can't imagine it will be a bad movie, and hopefully Rocco will enjoy it. Glad he gets another movie to see in another summer month.
The Heat - Melissa McCarthy swears up a storm and makes Sandra Bullock do so as well. It may be good for one viewing, but that is all. However, I expect to be fully entertained in that one viewing. Possibly a laundromat DVD-guy purchase.
White House Down - Channing Tatum has to protect the President while on a tour of the White House. Probably cheese-dick central on this one, but I know Kim will want to see it. Probably. Not sure. Perhaps if he danced in it. Oh he happens to have a tank top on? Yeah, I think we will see it. I will consume massive amounts of Slim Fast and MetRx in the mean time.
Byzantium - Apparently two women show up to stay at a local resort and the locals die. I bet they die at night. I bet it is vampires. I bet at the end, either after the two ladies die or have left, you see somebody, presumably a child, reveal in some way he or she is now a vampire as well.
JULY
The Lone Ranger - Johnny Depp plays an Indian, and yet the Washington Redskins have to change their name. I think the Lone Ranger may have more success than the Redskins this year. Red Box Rental special on this one.
Despicable Me 2 - We love this movie as a family, but I like Megamind just a little bit more. Not much, but it is packed with laughs for kids and adults. I hope it doesn't turn into Cars 2 - i.e., a shitty movie. Looking forward to this the most of kids movies.
The Way , Way Back - Some kid makes friends with a girl who helps him find and/or touch himself. Steve Carrel plays a jerk, and is labeled as a hope to be the next "Little Miss Sunshine." If that is their aim, my aim is to not see it.
Kevin Hart: Let Me Explain - He sucks.
Pacific Rim - Aliens rise from the Pacific Ocean. Humans make Real Steel type of robots. Visually this looks awesome as shit. Maybe better than World War Z. It will make the creators of Battleship regret making Battleship.
Grown Ups 2 - I watched Grown Ups and predicted every joke that was coming. It was funny, but I don't. It was just a weak offering considering how hyped everybody in it made it. I was a little disappointed. I expect more of the same.
Turbo - A snail becomes fast. Hope it has funny commercials to make us interested in it. I fear that if we can only see one movie as a family a month, this will be left behind.
Red 2 - Looks like Expendables 4.
R.I.P.D. - Rest In Peace Department. Dead guys on a hunt for undead criminals. I think. Looks like an all white cast version of Men In Black. If it is a success, it will have at least 2 more movies. Looks a little dumb to me. But then again I am excited for Pacific Rim.
The Conjuring - Ghost hunters look for ghosts in a farm house. I like it. I will see it. I like movies that make Kim tremble.
The Wolverine - The Wolverine from X-Men stops healing. He fights bad guys. Hopefully more awesomer than the first.
Fruitvale Station - A dude goes through the streets on the last day of 2008, crossing paths with everybody ever. I think it's one of those camera always follows a guy type of movies. Maybe entertaining. Possibly a trip to the Ritz at the Bourse for us.
The Smurfs 2 - Go see this with your kid, and I bet you regret it.
AUGUST
300: Rise of an Empire - I liked three hundred. I'm glad this wasn't called something dumb like "301" or "299" (a prequel). I think it could be fun times. Actually, it is a prequel. If it is as cool as the first one and features another obscurely awesome Nine Inch Nails song, I'm in.
2 Guns - Two guys from the DEA and the Navy investigate each other only to learn they were set up by the mob. Stars Denzel Washington and Mark Wahlberg, which makes this movie already probably good. They are good actors. Did you know Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson were supposed to be the two? So it went from comedy to straight up action. I hope they went the action way because the guy who wrote it was better at action. Sounds a little Mr. & Mrs. Smith-ish, but hopefully much better.
This is the End - So the actors play themselves and have to go on a celebrity "every man for himself" style survival fight. The cover photo is enough to make me want to start laughing already. Paul Rudd and Danny McBride will make this movie extremely excellent. This is hopefully on the level of Hot Rod. Sinkhole De Mayo.
Man of Steel - Did you know it has been 7 years since the last Superman movie? I remember my ex-wife asking me why I couldn't be more like Superman. For real. But I digress. Super hero movies have changed tremendously for the better, so I don't see how this one will suck. I didn't think the last one sucked, but it wasn't great. It was like the first Hulk movie.
The Bling Ring - Some celebutards want to track celebrities, starring that girl from Harry Potter I don't care about.
World War Z - Another book turned movie, and I will rather spend 20 bucks and 2 hours watching what looks entertaining. I don't believe zombie apocalypses will ever happen, but if it does I am fully prepared to move to South Dakota. I like epic, big explosion/big action/big scenery type end of the world movies. I will not allow myself to not be entertained.
Monsters University - A prequel to Monsters, Inc., the preview we saw of this movie as a family last year was impressive. The animation looks incredible. I can't imagine it will be a bad movie, and hopefully Rocco will enjoy it. Glad he gets another movie to see in another summer month.
The Heat - Melissa McCarthy swears up a storm and makes Sandra Bullock do so as well. It may be good for one viewing, but that is all. However, I expect to be fully entertained in that one viewing. Possibly a laundromat DVD-guy purchase.
White House Down - Channing Tatum has to protect the President while on a tour of the White House. Probably cheese-dick central on this one, but I know Kim will want to see it. Probably. Not sure. Perhaps if he danced in it. Oh he happens to have a tank top on? Yeah, I think we will see it. I will consume massive amounts of Slim Fast and MetRx in the mean time.
Byzantium - Apparently two women show up to stay at a local resort and the locals die. I bet they die at night. I bet it is vampires. I bet at the end, either after the two ladies die or have left, you see somebody, presumably a child, reveal in some way he or she is now a vampire as well.
JULY
The Lone Ranger - Johnny Depp plays an Indian, and yet the Washington Redskins have to change their name. I think the Lone Ranger may have more success than the Redskins this year. Red Box Rental special on this one.
Despicable Me 2 - We love this movie as a family, but I like Megamind just a little bit more. Not much, but it is packed with laughs for kids and adults. I hope it doesn't turn into Cars 2 - i.e., a shitty movie. Looking forward to this the most of kids movies.
The Way , Way Back - Some kid makes friends with a girl who helps him find and/or touch himself. Steve Carrel plays a jerk, and is labeled as a hope to be the next "Little Miss Sunshine." If that is their aim, my aim is to not see it.
Kevin Hart: Let Me Explain - He sucks.
Pacific Rim - Aliens rise from the Pacific Ocean. Humans make Real Steel type of robots. Visually this looks awesome as shit. Maybe better than World War Z. It will make the creators of Battleship regret making Battleship.
Grown Ups 2 - I watched Grown Ups and predicted every joke that was coming. It was funny, but I don't. It was just a weak offering considering how hyped everybody in it made it. I was a little disappointed. I expect more of the same.
Turbo - A snail becomes fast. Hope it has funny commercials to make us interested in it. I fear that if we can only see one movie as a family a month, this will be left behind.
Red 2 - Looks like Expendables 4.
R.I.P.D. - Rest In Peace Department. Dead guys on a hunt for undead criminals. I think. Looks like an all white cast version of Men In Black. If it is a success, it will have at least 2 more movies. Looks a little dumb to me. But then again I am excited for Pacific Rim.
The Conjuring - Ghost hunters look for ghosts in a farm house. I like it. I will see it. I like movies that make Kim tremble.
The Wolverine - The Wolverine from X-Men stops healing. He fights bad guys. Hopefully more awesomer than the first.
Fruitvale Station - A dude goes through the streets on the last day of 2008, crossing paths with everybody ever. I think it's one of those camera always follows a guy type of movies. Maybe entertaining. Possibly a trip to the Ritz at the Bourse for us.
The Smurfs 2 - Go see this with your kid, and I bet you regret it.
AUGUST
300: Rise of an Empire - I liked three hundred. I'm glad this wasn't called something dumb like "301" or "299" (a prequel). I think it could be fun times. Actually, it is a prequel. If it is as cool as the first one and features another obscurely awesome Nine Inch Nails song, I'm in.
2 Guns - Two guys from the DEA and the Navy investigate each other only to learn they were set up by the mob. Stars Denzel Washington and Mark Wahlberg, which makes this movie already probably good. They are good actors. Did you know Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson were supposed to be the two? So it went from comedy to straight up action. I hope they went the action way because the guy who wrote it was better at action. Sounds a little Mr. & Mrs. Smith-ish, but hopefully much better.
Elysium - I skipped two movies on the IMDB list that I couldn't even fake enough interest in writing about anything I may care about in the movie. So, the privileged and healthy people live on a planet called Elysium, and the riff-raff lives on Earth. Matt Damon puts on a suit that looks like the half naked baby of Iron Man and Robocop and tries to liberate Earth. Potential awesomeness, if you can shy away from how weird Matt Damon looks.
We're the Millers - A man creates a fake family to transport pot from Mexico into the US. With Jason Sudeikis and the "for some reason I do find her funny" Jennifer Anniston I guess as the main characters, this could potentially be funny. From what I've read, it doesn't even seem like it is finished yet.
Planes - A cartoon about planes. The plot synopsis calls the main character a "cropdusting plane." It will be perfect for my cropdusting son.
Kick-Ass 2 - Sorry, but I don't get off on watching a very young girl use very fowl language. Maybe that makes me an old fart now, but the first time I saw this movie, I found it very disgusting. It is odd because I loved Human Centipede. I will rather staple my elbows together.
Prince Avalanche - Paul Rudd and Emilie Hirsch are highway workers who go on vacation together, but not in a Brokeback Mountain kind of way. Supposed to be a comedy. Paul Rudd, even in lesser comedies, can be quite entertaining. May be a definite Red Box Rental.
The To Do List - Any movie that is compared to "Easy A" gets negative points in my book. Some girl wants to be more sexually experienced before going to college. My bet is that she doesn't become that way and the guy she tries to get experienced with is hurt by this fact.
The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones - Maybe the next Twilight or Harry Potter series, I look forward to hearing people other than me talk about these movies.
The World's End - The main character is played by Simon Pegg, who sounds British. Next.
You're Next - A couple celebrating their anniversary fights off killers. There's a reason this one comes out by summer's end and not at the beginning. Possibly a let down.
The Grand Master - The story of Ip Man, the dude who trained Bruce Lee. Probably one of those special effects, guys fly around everywhere type movies. May wait until it is on HBO. HBO Go, that is.
That concludes my summer movie preview. Coming up soon, perhaps an Orlando Vacation Review.
Ice Man is supposed to be pretty good, I am going to try and see that soon
ReplyDeleteThen what, do you make a follow up called "Fat Ice Man?"
ReplyDelete