Fat Batman vs the Empire State Building

 

Forward by The Great Jim Duba

We here at the Great Jim Duba are always looking for something fresh. I don't very much like to live in the past. Unlike this entry's guest author. A long time friend of mine David Octavius Bell is like a Peter Parker for invalids. A Clark Kent for derelicts. A mermaid to Aquaman. An elf to Santa Klaus. An asterisk to a swear word in a public comments section. A tack to the devil's chair. You get the idea. So, I'm sitting at home one day trying to live a normal life. Trying to forget the dastardly days of David "Ding Dong" Bell. All of sudden, the phone vibrates uncomfortably. Probably because I was sitting on it. I pull out the phone to see it is from "Bells Cells." It informs me he has come across an amazing story of triumph and Indian dudes. Sweat and socks. And sweat socks.

 

You see, there was an old timey super hero. Some thought perhaps he lost his way. No, he was just at a buffet. Everybody thought that Bane had broken Batman's back. The only thing that broke was his will power. The batwinged masquerade didn't come to an end but went from busting villains to buying vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry ice cream. Do you get what I'm saying? No? That's because you are a normal human being. That's because your life has afforded you no run ins with Chain Saw Charlie. No first time meetings where somebody is introduced as "The Original Lizard." You didn't know Dave Bell.

 

Bell, in his younger years (that being in his 20's as he is now twice that age, whatever it was) recorded a fraud of a super hero. He and his cast of friends who just recently found out they were not the father on Maury Povich were out looking to raise some Hell. Instead, what they came across was a local folk hero/anti-hero/antipasta loving hamburglar. This larger than life husky super hero gingerly stepped down out of a tree to approach Bell and his merry men. The best part was he had it on video. It was like if Jared Lorenzon was Batman's stunt double. Adam West Batman, not Christian Bale or even Val Kilmer Batman. This quiet storm of a hero forbade them from going any further, and the video glory was for all of us to see as we sat either drunk or high trying not to make fun of whoever else wasn't in the room.

 

That said, Fat Batman must have had enough of being Large Batman. He was too big for the Biggest Loser but too small for My 600 Pound Life. He needed to get back on track, but not on an actual track. He saw a chance, and Dave Bell received this exclusive story of...

 

Fat Batman vs the Empire State Building (by Faticus Baticus, the Fat Batman)

 

A few years back, I was watching Travel Channel.  It was a show about unique races.  One of the races on this show, was the Empire State Building Run-Up.  Basically it's a race up the stair wells of the Empire State Building.  86 floors to the top, and end at the Observation deck.  It looked pretty cool. That's a whopping 1,576 steps!

 

After watching the show, I looked to see when the race was, and it was a good 9 months away.  As time passed I forgot about the race, only to have it pop in my head here and there.  Once again I look and missed it again.  Fast Forward to Jan 6 2014.   It is 11:20pm EST, and something pops in my head to check out the site.  Open Lottery registration ended at Midnight that same night.   Talk about having to make a decision on the fly.  

 

Some thoughts go thru my head, and I decide to green light it.  I throw my name into the lottery!  A friend of mine also signed up, and we wouldn't know for 24hrs if we would be accepted.   The next day, I check my email.. yes Fat Batman is also tech savvy.  Check in the morning..nothing, check in the afternoon...nothing.  Finally around 7pm, I receive an email....jackpot.  I was accepted into the "open" field.  Unfortunately my friend was not selected.  This made me wonder how many people were even in this race. It turns out that only around 60 people were selected for the "Open" field. I officially lucked out big time.  411 people overall finished this race. However I cannot find a count on how many did not.

 

Now that I was in the race, I knew I would need to train.  But that never happened.  So now you have an "Average Joe" who has not participated in any sports or exercise in a good 4 plus years, entering the Empire State Building.  This is where it gets interesting.

 

Wearing my Batman shirt along with Batman under-armor socks, and some yellow shorts and some mid height basketball sneakers....I look like I'm ready for a pickup game of basketball and not a run.  Immediately I notice that every one in the "OPEN" field is an avid runner and pretty much look like a bunch of Steve Prefontaines(World Famous Runner).  What did I get myself into?????

 

I go to the check-in desk, and get my race bib.  I politely tell the woman that I need some instructions because I have never done this before. She tells me it's just like any other race check-in.  That's when I break the news to her that I have NEVER done ANY race before.  Her eyes pop open wider and has a smirk on her face now.  I call this the ... "your going to die in these stair wells and your too stupid to know it" look.  Now I'm getting really worried and nervous.  I am way in over my head.  I frazzled.  After some help from the bag check guy, I come up with a game plan.

 

Game Plan:  Act like I know what I'm doing.  So I go over to an open area and start stretching and talking with a few people.  And I figured I'd hang near the back of the pack when they line us up to race, that way that's less people to pass me, thus less demoralizing. 

 

During my conversations, it came across to me that "almost everyone walks" at some point in this race.  This was another blow to my psyche.  If these tip top shaped runners eventually resort to walking... this is no joke of a race.

They line us up.  10pm est is when my field started.  I position my self where I'm like 5 people from the back of the line.  Less people to see me fail, LOL.  I did notice their was a firefighter on the side, and it sounded like he was going to be the last person in the race.  He had his gear and all.  That's extreme.

 

For my heat, they released one person every 5 seconds in a single file line(other heats were not like this).  As I'm getting closer and closer to the start, they have people taking pictures.  I have people start saying " I need a picture of Batman" and "I like your shirt" and high fiving me.  This helps give me a boost of confidence.  The guy in front of me started out sprinting into the stairwell.   SOOOO not knowing any better... that's what I do.  

 

Up the steps I go.  Fat Batman is racing up the steps.  I'm passing people, thinking this is going to be fun.  But then Floor 8 hits.  I realize I need to pace myself.  I am now breathing heavy and my legs feel dead.  No spring left in them for skipping steps.   So I just went from jumping from every other step, to now standing still on the flat of the stairwell gasping for air.  

 

The saying "don't blow your load too early"...yeah I did that.  For the rest of the race my lungs were now playing catch up.  The rest of my race consists of walking.  But I am not the only person walking.. so that's at least a small positive.

Eventually everyone I had passed, regained their position and passed me.

 

Floor 20 comes and I'm huffing & puffing.  I need to stop again to catch my air.  Part of me is like... 66 more flights to go....I'm not making it.  I was debating in my mind whether to quit or not.  Mentally picture me.....arms leaning on a flat railing, with my head laying down on my arms as I'm breathing heavy.   If there was footage of this it would be both..... embarrassing and hilarious.

 

I continue.   Luckily they have water stations like every 30 flights, so I got a nice little water break just as my mouth was drying up.  When your breathing that heavy, you have to breathe out of your mouth a lot.  Another symptom was my nose was inflamed.  It was burning.  I was just hoping it wasn't bleeding.  Because I did not want someone to come and throw in the towel for me due to medical concern.

 

As I continue up the steps.  I come across someone I haven't seen yet.  An indian fellow right around my age.  He was beat too.  He also was competitive where he did not want me to pass him.  It's too early in the race for me to be in a pissing match when neither of us had any energy.  So I stayed close to him but didn't try to pass him. When he stopped for a breather, I did to.  We were pretty much walking buddies now.  It's funny because everyone tells you to use the railings to pull your body up and don't let your legs do all the work.  This guy didn't do this.  He did this crazy Frankenstein like thud up each step.  it was actually comical.  It's almost like he was adding extra punishment to his body. 

 

Besides flight 20, flight 40 was another flight that I was like "I don't know if I should continue".  Flight 40 isn't even half way.  These stairs can damage ones moral.   As I continue, I am getting tired of hearing the same heavy breathing noise out of my mouth, so now I start making different noises while letting out the breathes just to change up the monotonousness.  Pretty much few a few flights when I breathed out, I did the Ric Flair(of Pro wrestler fame) "Wooooooo".  I also contemplated taking off my shoes and doing the rest barefoot.  Weird thoughts go thru your head when your gasping for air and trying to make your life easier.

 

As me and my indian pal are continuing our race,  I start hearing something crazy.  I'm looking around.  What the hell is that noise.  It starts getting louder and louder.  It sounds like Darth Vader is in the stair well with us now. I'm all confused as to where it's coming from.   Then as I hit a flat I take a break, and the Fireman from earlier on in the lobby... he passed us both.  You got to be freaking kidding me!!!!!!   Fire boots,helmet, oxygen tank and all. But I wonder if that oxygen tank helped him.

 

Pretty much that was the sign that no-one else was behind me and the indian fellow.   We were the last 2 of the whole night.  As we are hitting certain floors, they have personal stationed with walkie talkies.  You hear them saying" yeah I see the 2 they are coming now", etc.    They probably had wagers on who would drop first.   Around floor 60  they had another water station.  Little signs like this bring moments of enjoy to me briefly.  At this floor is also when I saw the full body stretcher.  I can not recall if someone was on it or not as I had to turn the opposite direction.  Also around flight 60, we came across a very short flight of steps.  Normally a flight had 18 or 19 steps.   This particular flight did not. And it went quick,  and it gave me hope.  I thought, I guess since we are getting higher the floors are getting smaller.   I was dead wrong!!!!!!  It was just a dumb luck short flight.  The one and only of the 86 floors.

 

Finally around a floor in the 75 -77 range, I make my move.  I pass the indian guy.  I not only was going to finish the race, I WAS NOT COMING IN LAST!!!!!!  I hit floor 83 and I can hear noise in the stair well.  It was from the people by the finish line.  This gave me a much needed adrenaline rush.  I hit floor 86, and finish the race!   People are clapping and high fiving me.   They made you feel special.  It was pretty damn cool.  Then I got to look out onto NYC at night.  That was a great pay off.   Not many races you finish, you can then see such a beautiful view.  They also put a medal around your neck as well. 

 

The race was over, I'm looking out onto NYC, and wait to help cheer on my indian buddy( we never did exchange names).  Me and him were almost like celebrities as we were the last 2 of the night.  One thing I do want to point out.  Races started as early as 8pm, so even though I was one of the last few to finish on the night.  There were actually a handful of times that were longer than mine.  Just they had started earlier in the night, so we never crossed paths.

 

Looking back on the event, I can laugh at my lack of preparation for the race.  And I can say I am glad I did it.

 

By not training it made the race a lot harder than it needed to be for me.  So it brings great value to me to know I still hung in there for the times it was absolute hell.  I can always do it again and improve my time, but I can never replicate that absolute worst scenario again.

 

 

If I had to compare this to anything, I would say this.... It's like the first warm day you have of a year where you and some friends go down to the basketball courts.   You have soo many people there that you have to play full court even though you are not up to full court running shape yet.   After a few trips back and forth on the court.  You are winded.  The game ends shortly because everyone is tired.   Well take that tired winded feeling...and have you breathing like that for 30mins, all while having to stand and not sit down. 

Now who wants to sign up for 2015?