Have you heard of this new trend the kids are doing on
Twitter now? They go around tweeting out the names of movies and ending them
with “in my pants.” The top movies right now would include Frozen In My Pants,
That Awkward Moment In My Pants, and the Ride Along In My Pants. In high
school, we used to call one of our friends jewish, for no good reason, and that
led to us inserting the word Jew into movie titles. Personal favorites included
The Thin Red Jew, GI Jew, How Stella Got Her Jew Back, and Schindler’s List.
Last year, I predicted the Oscars and reviewed the nominees for Best Picture, without having seen them. Except for Life of Pi. Good movie,
fun for the whole family. So, since I had so much fun doing it, I thought I
would give it another go around. I will also throw in the “In My Pants” trend,
and see if it truly works.
American Hustle In My Pants
I giggled at the thought of this one. Apparently, a con man
and his dame get forced to work with the FBI to infiltrate the New Jersey
Mafia. What is the obsession with mafia people? Everybody seems to enjoy
portrayals of murderers and thugs. It’s weird to me. Maybe there is some humor
in the way they talk, but glorifying the true criminals is stupid. That said,
from a movie standpoint, I like most of the people involved. But Bradley cooper
as anything but a sex symbol, I mean anything but a drunken dickhead in the
Hangover movies has not been very appealing to me. Every time I see him on
screen I expect him to say, “Dr. Faggot. Paging Dr. Faggot.” I like Batman, but
hopefully he keeps his voice normal. Kim wants to see this movie, and we have
been begging our movie dealer at the Laundromat to get it, but he doesn’t
understand any English other than “Three for 10, six for 20.”
Captain Phillips In My Pants
This could’ve been a funnier title if it was Rear Admiral
Phillips or Captain Woodrow. It is the story about how an American cargo ship
was hijacked for the first time in 200 years. By Pirates. Who haven’t been
relevant in Pittsburgh or the rest of the world since Captain Hook. It is a
true story, and most everybody who can read now should remember the bubble boy
boat that the real Captain Phillips was in tied off to the back of the boat and
eventually brought to safety in. Basically, skinny hungry Somalian dudes with
like 8 bullets in their guns walk onto a ship and take it over, presumably
delaying the arrival of several smuggled drugs to another side of the world.
Our country doesn’t negotiate with terrorists, but pirates are another story. I
don’t really know the negotiations of the deal or how they got the ship back,
but I imagine the captors wanted a skull and crossbones flag, parrots, wooden
pegs, an odd number of eye patches, and bandanas. They also wanted the outdated
word Swashbuckler removed from the dictionary and to have Tom Hanks play one of
them in a biopic. Instead, Tom Hanks got the role of Captain Phillips and a cab
driver got the lead pirate. I like the thought of this movie that they
definitely say the title of it several times within the movie.
Dallas Buyers Club In My Pants
Nope. Doesn’t work. Long story short, the dream of every
early 2000’s working man comes true when Matthew McConaughey gets AIDS. He
tasks himself with going around the system to get other victims medicine. Jared
Leto, that dude from that TV show and that band that you wouldn’t remember,
plays some lady dude who is nominated for awards himself. In hindsight, “In My
Pants” in a movie relevant to AIDS makes
sense. This looks like it could be a good movie, maybe dramatic. People have
conspiracy theories on AIDS as a weapon to wipe out certain types of people,
but I will reserve my thoughts on that one. That said, and you can’t spell said
without AIDS, this is another potential $3.33 purchase from the Laundromat.
Gravity In My Pants
Some people would like to think the opposite sex gravitates
to what is in his/her pants. I know others are repelled. Synopsis and what I
gather from the commercials/previews: George Clooney tries to date Sandra
Bullock and they break up and he tosses her out in space. I read the whole plot
reveal on this one and apparently Sandra Bullock uses like jet packs and other
space stations to bounce around the stars. I saw a documentary at the Franklin
Institute last year that showed how much space junk flies around the Earth and
how dangerous it really is. I don’t know how the film crews and actors were
safe in setting of the film and they should win just on their bravery alone.
Wait, they did it on Earth? Can you see the wires attached to the actors like
in a 1960’s movie or Superman movie? I am most interested in this movie out of
all the others as it was highly acclaimed as very original. I already own the
Laundromat version, but I must get Kim in an arm bar submission to be able to get her to want to see it.
Her In My Pants
Grammatically incorrect. Doesn’t work either. Maybe the secret
to critical acclaim and success is to make a movie title that doesn’t work with
the “In My Pants” trend. Let me try what I did in high school with my friends –
“Jew.” Seems offensive. Basically, a terribly mustached Joaquin Phoenix falls
in love with the chick who talks in his phone. That’s all I know. The
commercials show Phoenix flittering around with his phone talking to it and
being a weirdo to normal people. The only way this movie could end in my mind
would be for him to receive third degree electrical burns in his lower half.
Next.
Nebraska In My Pants
If we were to put states in my pants I would have to go with
Delaware. It’s not the biggest state, but you can drive for hours on it, which
you would never know until you do. This movie casts a bunch of people you never
heard of and the IMDB movie poster has what appears to be the silhouette of a
bald Albert Einstein. A drunk old man uses his estranged son to go from Montana
to Nebraska to claim a lottery jackpot. I bet there are a lot of shots of grass
fields, farms, silos, and road. I also imagine the plot like this: Dad finds
son, son yells at his dad for leaving him, dad swears off drinking for help
with a ride, dad and son resume conversation with occasional “you would’ve
known this already if…”, dad blows up at son as to why he left him behind, dad
falls back into boozing while son finds him passed out in a beer can riddled
whore house, they get to Nebraska too late to claim the prize. That’s an M.
Knight Shamalyan twist. Maybe in the end the father and son get back together
as a family and the son introduces his kids to Grandpa.
Philomena In My Pants
Okay, now we are getting somewhere. It sounds like a
transvestite hooker movie with that extended title. A journalist helps a woman
looking for her son that was taken away from her after birth who was then
forced to live in a convent. Cool, but
the lady waited “decades” to find him. Sorry mom, if you wanted to find me you
wouldn’t wait 20+ years to find me. It also stars Judi Dench and this other British
guy I have seen speaking about Phillip Seymour Hoffman. I don’t care. I would
rather strain the muscles and bones in my arm to scrub my own back in the
shower every night.
12 Years A Slave In My Pants
Is this about the guy in Ohio that kept women captive? Too
soon? Long story short – a black man from New York state is kidnapped and sold
into slavery. I assume approximately 12 years he was a slave. I am sorry, but I
don’t need to be told a thousand times how terrible slavery was. How could
somebody honestly look at a person and think they were meant to serve him and
not entitled to their own life? Maybe if you made this “Tyler Perry’s 12 Years
A Slave In My Pants” it would sound a little more appealing. I just don’t like
black people struggle movies in a time I try to preach equality and the like.
People need to move on. Maybe history books don’t do the atrocities of slavery
any justice, but it doesn’t need to be made to boost the stock of aspiring
screen play writers and movie makers. It’s like what wrestlers refer to as
“cheap heat.” That’s when somebody who is the bad guy talks smack about the
local sports team that just lost the big game. You want something to be called
powerful, then portray a brutal time in American history. No desire to see this
movie. I’m sure the actors did well, but c’mon.
The Wolf Of Wall Street In My Pants
Not a good working title. This is the true story about a
wealthy stockbroker falling due to crime and corruption. I bet that good ol’
mafia is involved somehow. I just really don’t care. Jonah Hill playing up a
stereotype to rub elbows with Leonardo DiCaprio seems like a reach to me. Maybe
it’s a fun movie to watch. I hear that there is a lot of butthole exposed in
this movie. Kim and I really don’t have much desire to see this. It may be just
an HBO on demand or Netflix/Chromecast type movie for us. Which usually means
one and done. The commercials make it seem like a whirlwind of a movie. It is
180 minutes long. That’s longer than I sleep straight through the night. I’m
sure there’s 1 hour that can be removed.
There you have the nominees. And, the winner of the Best
Picture In My Pants will go to…
12 Years A Slave In My Pants. I hope it is Gravity In My Pants, so I can
defend my purchase of this movie at the Laundromat, but I feel this slave movie
will tug at heart strings of the Oscar voters especially after they snubbed
Oprah Winfrey for her movie about Benson In My Pants.
Coming soon, the human highlight reel David Bell In My Pants will be guest writing his account of something he did in New York.
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