Life Hacks

First and foremost, I hate, HATE, the term "hacks."  Seriously? Do we have to try to give everything a cool name these days?  Rocco keeps talking to me about MineCraft hacks that he wants to do.  I would get so angry at him as I told him he wasn't hacking anything and opening our computer up to virus and all that other crap.  Then I realized he wasn't reading an actual book about hacking.  It was a fucking strategy guide.  Remember when Nintendo Power made strategy guides?

I had this once.  Did you know it's on sale in Ebay for $35?  I read through this, and realized I didn't want to play the game anymore.

I see so many different people on Facetwit and Booker and Mystagram putting things up like "101 Kitchen Hacks" or "1000 Life Hacks"  What do these include? Well, one of them says to put a tablespoon of vanilla extract into your paint before you start to paint the house, reducing the fumes and making your home smell like vanilla!  BUT, do not put paint in your cookies!  Then, let the ants and other pests enjoy that new vanilla smell in your home.  Dubalternative Life Hack - Open a f-in window.

Need a technology hack? Apparently if you can't afford Microsoft Word, get "open office."  According to the hackist, it has more features and it's free!  Dubalternative Life Hack - Why do you have a computer then?

Seriously, somebody wrote "When returning from a vacation put your dirty shoes inside the free hotel shower caps. That way the rest of the stuff in your suitcase won't get dirty."  Similar Life Hack - Do not use a loaded pistol as a hair dryer.  It will not dry your hair, but rather just blow your brains out.

Seriously (I wrote that again?), let's look at that hack I just said.  This implies that the person who came up with it just did another variation of what any other person would do - keep their smelly things separated from their clean things.  You would probably do this by using some bag.  That means that this guy was traveling around without any kind extra bag for his dirty clothes.  He had no other solution and at the last minute found a shower cap and crammed his tiny ass shoes into the makeshift bag.  That still leaves the top or bottom of your shoes exposed, unless there is an odd draw string in the shower cap.  This guy is not somebody who has found out the secret to life.

Here's another brain buster, mind blower - "Always feel tired even after getting a good, long sleep? You're probably dehydrated -- drink some water right when you wake up." You mean do that thing you need to do stay alive?  Cool story bro.  You should go work for Dr. Oz.

"Want a free doughnut? Mark March 9th down on your calendar. Krispy Kreme are giving away free doughnuts.  No purchase necessary."  For real?  Want a free doughnut in 2 months?  Maybe, if you want one RIGHT NOW, you can ask somebody in your office for $1 because you really, really want a doughnut right now, then never pay them back, you hungry fuck.

Finally, the last published life hack I will share is "If you ever get caught in a burning building, get low. The breathable air will be near the floor."  This isn't a life hack.  This isn't a tip.  This is a rule of fire safety that you should teach everybody.  Not one person who has ever been taught fire safety should be going, "ooooh that's good I must do that."  The reasoning behind it isn't even there.  That explains why this is important.

So, I despise anybody who wants to share things with me that they call hacks.  It's a freakin' tip.  In most cases, it's common sense.  Some dude recommending spreading mayonnaise across your water stained furniture obviously accidentally figured that out, and I dare you to smear that egg and oil based product all over your beloved furniture.  I'll try that at home, then let you know when the swelling in my lip goes down after my wife punched me.

Now, that doesn't mean I haven't learned any TRICKS of my own.  Actually, it's more like beliefs based on pure science.  My HACKS, or general knowledge that I apply to life, are far less trivial than grabbing a free hair net to protect your clothes from your stinky ass shoes that you probably should've left behind anyway.  Let's get some of my favorite things I have actually learned, tested, and live by:

1. Snot rockets are more powerful than blowing your nose.  You are less likely to blow out your ear drums and can get a deeper purge from your nasal cavity, per nostril.  The force at which expectorant leaves the body allows clearance all the way down into your throat.

2. When you spill water, and do not have many items left to dry it up, spread the puddle out.  If you have nothing to dry it up with, use your hands to spread the puddle.  The greater surface area something has, the quicker it will evaporate.  Leave a cookie pan with 1 ounce of water out in the open next to a small glass with 1 ounce of water.  The cookie sheet will dry out quicker.

3. Driving up to and/or over the speed limit during inclement weather is hazardous to everybody.  In some situations, even in normal weather driving up to the speed limit can be dangerous.  It is technically a limit, and you should not go past that.  You only have a right to complain about the driving of others if they are going below a posted speed MINIMUM.  Now quick thinking your big balls pickup truck deserves the right of way and stick to the signs.  They are there for your safety.

Okay, #3 sounds like a stupid "hack" like I have been critiquing up to now. But seriously, who makes these things up?  Why can't it just be "oh I tried this once and it worked"? Instead you act like you are some kind of hipster pioneer, hacking through life like it is the Matrix.  Do you know when the last time I wanted to be cool was?  Like 18 years ago.

Sigh.  But alas, we live in an age now where everybody wants credit for something, and never told that they lost.  Nobody gets to know how to pick themselves back up.  I am very glad I went through the challenges I had in my life.  I'm glad I can share this stuff to my loved ones. I got advice.  I have lessons I learned.  I have real life experience I can share.  I don't know how to make your life better by hacking it.

Hey internet, stop acting like you are doing the world a favor by reminding me that when things don't go the way I expect that it takes 13 hours to build a Toyota and 6 months to build a Rolls Royce.  Did you know Rolls Royce does not state anywhere on its site how long it takes to build one?  You have to have a consultation with somebody who actually thinks you are going to get one.  So the guy who submitted this one probably doesn't even have that Toyota, and is 4,000 miles overdue on an oil change for his Kia.

Duba's 6th Annual "Only When I Have A Blog or Other Available Forum Where I Can Riff" Ideal Superbowl Matchups

Well folks, it's that time of year again. Another year without wondering who the Eagles will play in the Superbowl.  Hell, another year wondering WHEN the Eagles can even sniff the playoffs again.  That is for a different day.  For now, we get some potential classic matches.

 

Oh, where have I been? Well, I have a 7 month old baby and an 8 year old that sometimes you just gotta devote yourself to.  But, I promised myself this wouldn't become a kids or baby blog.  So if you want to know about my kids, find me.

 

On second thought, don't come find me and then demand to know how my kids are, that would creep me out.

 

This year, the perennial favorites in the league, the teams that the league loves with all their balls started out slow.  The Detroit Lions, the butt of several jokes about NFL defenses, were tormenting all their opponents.  Except the Bills.  And the Patriots. And eventually the Packers.  In fact, the Packers started out very slow, to the point that Aaron Rodgers one-upped the local first grade spelling bee champ by telling everybody to "R-E-L-A-X."  Then he became Aaron Rodgers again, and his head got so big that he started laughing at teams that dare tried to stop him.

 

 

Andrew Luck and the Colts started 0-2.  The only reason they got to 1-2 was because they played the Jaguars.  Something seemed off.  T.Y. Hilton led the league in dropped passes.  Trent Richardson did his best impression of a female porn star at a blow bang.  Ahmad Bradshaw got hurt, and his season ended.  Coby Fleener and Dwayne Allen altered sucking and creaking with injuries.  Reggie Wayne became Reggie Lame.  Then, that lovable Andrew Luck started just taking care of business, all while surviving several attempts to cut his beard.

The Patriots started off being manhandled by the Dolphins.  They got taken to the limit by the jets (as always).  They got taken to the limit by Buffalo.  Kansas City romped them, and the quote from Tom Brady saying, "I'll retire when I suck," felt like it was actually time.  Then, Mr. Brady got excited about playing again, excited about his team and what the Patriots should have been.  Perhaps he was a little too excited.

 

The Seahawks, defending Superbowl champions, started strong against the Packers, but then they couldn't figure out how to use Percy Harvin.  They had several key players on defense get hurt.  Dallas, yes, DALLAS beat them at home.  Sure, the Seahawks were able to beat the Broncos at home, but barely, after they demolished the same team in a neutral site.  The defense eventually got all it's pieces back, but then Russel Wilson just got better and better.

I was very surprised and actually enjoyed watching the Colts dismantle the Broncos last week.  That was very impressive.  Do I think they have a shot? Well, that's not what we focus on at this point of the article.  Without further aduba, let's look at the ones I would most like to see:

 

 

1. Seahawks vs. Patriots: I know, half the country is sick of Tom Brady trying to rule the world with his smug face and sharp nipples.  The other half is possibly like me, can accept the fact that Tom Brady can play in another Superbowl.  I have accepted how his team has been over the years in the decade that has past since they won their last Superbowl, against my Eagles, followed by them being accused of cheating to all their wins in the past to that point.  The Seahawks have gone back to having the best defense in the NFL.  Tom Brady and Bill Belichek find constant ways to win, no matter who is in front of them.  They had a great game two years ago.  I kept Wilson on my fantasy bench for that matchup, where he lit up the Patriots for like 30+ points.  That game was the infamous "You mad bro?" game, which I do not understand the meaning of, except it had a lion-looking Richard Sherman screaming into Tom Brady's soul.

 

2.  Packers vs. Colts:  Two more evenly matched teams with quarterbacks known for atrocious facial hair.  This is the game you expect a running back to shine on each team, one amazing defensive player for each team, and 50+ camera shots of the other quarterback while they are on the sidelines.  This would be a wet dream for every analyst in the sporting world.  Rodgers getting a shot at more Superbowls than Favre.  The montage of Luck replacing a Superbowl winning quarterback and all-time franchise MVP.  Cancer.  Mustaches. Cliches. Douches.  Did you pronounces that "DOO-SHAYS"?  I hope so.  And then you realized I called everybody involved a bunch of douches.'

 

3.  Seahawks vs. Colts: This could be just like last year's Superbowl, but the intrigue of Luck and Wilson, drafted in the same round having a go of it.  Luck beat the soon to be champs last year, at Indianapolis, and I wonder if they could do it in Arizona as well.  It's almost like, let's just get Andrew Luck's Superbowl out of the way.  The worst part of this is one will be "new blood" talk, about what Wilson and Luck bring to the table to the league that older guard like Brady and even Rodgers now.  That would be annoying.  They would even analyze his beard in some stupid "all time beards" segment.

 

4.  Packers vs. Patriots:  The NFL almost crashed earlier this year when they played in the regular season.  It was described simply as "oh what a game."  I watched it.  Found it to be boring. I get the two generals that people already look at as "all timers" going at it should be "one for the ages."  Instead of being the Superbowl this could be the Superlative Bowl.

 

 

So, that's what I WANT to see, in that particular order.  Last year I got what I wanted.  The year before that, I got what I wanted.  So, let's sit down and think about what is going to be done.  I cannot help but think the Colts will hang in there better at the Patriots than they did last year.  After, it's the last game of the season, can't hold anything back.  Wait, last game of the season when there's still the Superbowl? Uh Yeah.  Patriots go on to play...................................................................................................................................................................................................................the Seattle Seahawks!  Aaron Rodgers and the Packers have fought back to just rick-roll teams the second half of the year.  At home they are undefeated, even with a gimped Aaron Rodgers.  The Seahawks can lose at home, but not since the second half of the year.  The Seahawks have enough great players in the secondary to half their pass rush gang tackle Rodgers all day.  I bet he can't even finish the game.  No second half heroics in this one.  Perhaps this game gets out of hand way too fast, despite the talent involved.

 

So there you have it, the Seahawks then go on to defeat the Patriots in the Superbowl, 24 to 17.