At the request of David "Inferno" Bell, I am going to take a quick look at the upcoming movies this summer. I reviewed all the upcoming movies from this IMDB list of summer releases.
Without further aduba, and based strictly on my interests thoughts and desires, I present to you...
The Dublockbuster Summer Preview Spectaculum!
The Avengers
"Marvel's Avengers: Assemble", the "Avengers", or whatever else it is called, has been one of the most heavily promoted movies I've seen coming in a long time. I liked the "Incredible Hulk." I loved "Ironman" and "Ironman 2" and "Thor". "Captain America" was weak, but that is because I do not like World War 2 era movies for some reason. Some of the jokes were too cheesy for me there as well. However, put them all together to fight the awesome Loki should be a, if nothing else, fun ride in a fantasy world. I have no problem with a crazy world of superheroes as long as they are all unique and stay within this believable character they have developed since their character's inception. This is my SECOND most anticipated movie for me this year.
DARK SHADOWS
This movie looks completely horrible. Johnny Depp once again gets painted up like a pedophile. His "quirky" side movies are all annoying as anything and, like Peter Griffin, I can predict how this movie will end.
Men In Black III
Will Smith is back with another installment of the franchise that I cannot believe existed past one movie. What I get from the previews is that something is wrong with Tommy Lee Jones' character and Will Smith must time travel to save him. And some younger looking version of Tommy Lee Jones is there, and some secret will be revealed. Will Smith probably makes some bad jokes about a bug going splat, Tommy Lee Jones probably talks down to somebody in a funny way, and probably some old timey good looking girl will fall in love with Smith. Save the world. Find out Tommy Lee Jones' character is responsible for all alien invasions and Will Smith has to let him die. The end. Boom. Let me know in a couple weeks if I am right.
Prometheus
Cave dwellers find the secrets to civilization, then must save the world. I bet and hope this movie takes a creepy turn and would probably have some decent effects. I cannot see how this movie will get screwed up.
That's My Boy
Growing up, Adam Sandler was the man. As an adult, Andy Samberg has started to gain much momentum, mostly because of the movie Hot Rod. I saw the preview for this with 21 Jump Street. I must have been the only person in the theater who laughed. At everything. This seems like the type of movie that they save the best material for the actual movie, not the commercials. Give me your dumbest voices, your screechiest yells, and stupid toilet humor, and I am in! Here's my $10-12 for a ticket! Just take it already!!!
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter
Somebody has to take care of the vampires every generation, right? Who better than our nation's 16th President. He freed one group of people while slaughtering another group. I have little expectations of this movie other than thinking it should be fun. If you like history, and/or you like vampires, perhaps you should not see this movie. I will check message boards later in the summer to see if somebody actually posts a review getting upset at this tall tale of Abraham Lincoln. I bet I will find it. And when I do, an open letter to that dumbass will be posted here.
G.I. Joe: Retaliation
If Channing Tatum isn't dancing or acting like a buffoon cop, I don't want to see him. The first movie in this franchise could have been really good. That Wayans brother killed it. The Rock is in it too, but as a 32 year old not-in-a-while wrestling fan, that does not peak my interest anymore. This probably range somewhere between better than G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra and getting a novacaine needle in the mouth. Explosions, puns, bad acting, Rock yelling - the only intrigue I have in this is what happened to the Cobra Commander at the end of the last movie. That was the only part that actually served any purpose to the movie. I will have to investigate this movie and may possibly just purchase from my local laundromat street merchant.
The Brave
"Determined to make her own path in life, Princess Merida defies a custom that brings chaos to her kingdom. Granted one wish, Merida must rely on her bravery and her archery skills to undo a beastly curse." That's IMDB's synopsis. Duba's synopsis - probably a bunch of British accents.
The Amazing Spiderman
If they had named this "The Great Spiderman" I would have been pissed. In my opinion, "Great" is more humble than "Amazing". Also, I don't recognize one actor's name in this movie. I think the girl from the help with that horrible voice is in it. I did enjoy the original Spiderman franchise. Hopefully this goes more in the way of the recent Batmans as opposed to the Fantastic Four. I am quietly waiting for this movie, but I have the lowest expectations for this movie out of all the movies I am even slightly intrigued by.
Ice Age: Continental Drift
The best thing about a dead horse is that you can beat it forever. I did not put up my preview of Madagascar's next installment because I really did not enjoy any of those movies like I have the Ice Age franchise. Rocco is a big Ice Age fan and the last movie they made was humorous on all levels. However, the crew battles "pirates". Quite a leap from cavemen/dinosaurs to pirates for the lifespan of these soon to be endangered animals. Hopefully though, nobody else will analyze this movie any more than I just did. I hope it is a fun one as I am sure I will be there the weekend it comes out.
Ted
All I can say after seeing this commercial and the movie poster is "What the F*ck?" Looks like a high profile version of "Hot Rod" if you ask me. I find family guy very entertaining with great replay factor, so I hope the same for this movie. Because Kim likes Mark Wahlberg for his, uh, acting, I know that I am almost certain to see this movie in the theaters.
The Dark Knight Rises
Boom. I have waited anxiously for this movie for what seems like an eternity. I truly loved "The Dark Knight" and is easily one of my favorite movies of all time, if not ever. It will be a very very ridiculous movie to follow as that was once in a lifetime. I have read as much as I can about this movie and at first was a little disappointed, but then had my faith restored after watching the trailer. Bane looks awesome, regardless of his speech/voice. Catwoman though always left something to be desired for me. I don't care about a woman without superpowers who wears spandex and whips people. Horrible character, but hopefully it is more about Bane and Batman struggling with himself. I actually read that people criticized the football field collapse as looking too fake. Uh, it's all fake. This movie is my top pick for the summer.
Neighborhood Watch
Benn Stiller Vince Vaughn Jonah Hill and another guy on the neighborhood watch and end up fighting aliens? I was absolutely enthralled with this movie until the alien part. Unless the aliens are like Seth Rogan and Danny McBride, count me out of the theater, but please provide me a bootleg of that instead.
Savages
Woman gets kidnapped. Drug dealers must work together to save the girl they both love. Mexicans. Pot. Several stories knitted together. Could be great or very bad. No in between. Kim very much wants to see this, and I am going to see this one. After Batman.
The Bourne Legacy
Matt Damon was great as Jason Bourne and the last installment of this franchise was pretty kick ass. If this is a prequel, I am really not interested enough in the story. Books to movies generally start up some nerd argument about the movies not being as good and not capturing the story right. Okay. Unfortunately, I already do not have a lot of interest in this. I bet it ends with Bourne outsmarting the CIA yet again as he escapes into his prequel obscurity. Another thing about prequels - you know he won't die, so anything that puts him in danger has no suspense to me.
Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Dog Days
Sweet little franchise of movies. Family fun. Never saw a bad version of this movie franchise nor ever seen a bad book out of the bunch and Rocco gets the movie and likes it. We may not see this in the theater, but we will most likely rent and/or own this in the future.
ParaNorman
Clever title and idea. Cartoon boy talks to dead people and fights zombies. I see the potential for lewd humor for a kids movie, but I hope not. Too me, looks to be the freshest and most entertaining kid cartoon movie of the summer.
7500
A supernatural force similar to a snake invades this plane flying over the Pacific Ocean. Movies that take place in a closed setting like a plane are a big risk. "The Devil" was good in my opinion, but "Panic Room" was lame. "Phone Booth" was good, but "127 Hours" dragged on. You almost want to see how all the characters interact, but too many characters could clog up this movie. I guarentee at least one black guy dies on the plane, keeping true to horror form.
Other Movies - I only wrote the ones that I care about or have any opinion of. There is also an Anthony Hopkins romance movie, British people chasing other British people movie, old couples finding themselves movie, Total Recall remake, and something about southern beasts. I really don't care about these movies, so suck it.
Without further aduba, and based strictly on my interests thoughts and desires, I present to you...
The Dublockbuster Summer Preview Spectaculum!
The Avengers
"Marvel's Avengers: Assemble", the "Avengers", or whatever else it is called, has been one of the most heavily promoted movies I've seen coming in a long time. I liked the "Incredible Hulk." I loved "Ironman" and "Ironman 2" and "Thor". "Captain America" was weak, but that is because I do not like World War 2 era movies for some reason. Some of the jokes were too cheesy for me there as well. However, put them all together to fight the awesome Loki should be a, if nothing else, fun ride in a fantasy world. I have no problem with a crazy world of superheroes as long as they are all unique and stay within this believable character they have developed since their character's inception. This is my SECOND most anticipated movie for me this year.
DARK SHADOWS
This movie looks completely horrible. Johnny Depp once again gets painted up like a pedophile. His "quirky" side movies are all annoying as anything and, like Peter Griffin, I can predict how this movie will end.
Men In Black III
Will Smith is back with another installment of the franchise that I cannot believe existed past one movie. What I get from the previews is that something is wrong with Tommy Lee Jones' character and Will Smith must time travel to save him. And some younger looking version of Tommy Lee Jones is there, and some secret will be revealed. Will Smith probably makes some bad jokes about a bug going splat, Tommy Lee Jones probably talks down to somebody in a funny way, and probably some old timey good looking girl will fall in love with Smith. Save the world. Find out Tommy Lee Jones' character is responsible for all alien invasions and Will Smith has to let him die. The end. Boom. Let me know in a couple weeks if I am right.
Prometheus
Cave dwellers find the secrets to civilization, then must save the world. I bet and hope this movie takes a creepy turn and would probably have some decent effects. I cannot see how this movie will get screwed up.
That's My Boy
Growing up, Adam Sandler was the man. As an adult, Andy Samberg has started to gain much momentum, mostly because of the movie Hot Rod. I saw the preview for this with 21 Jump Street. I must have been the only person in the theater who laughed. At everything. This seems like the type of movie that they save the best material for the actual movie, not the commercials. Give me your dumbest voices, your screechiest yells, and stupid toilet humor, and I am in! Here's my $10-12 for a ticket! Just take it already!!!
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter
Somebody has to take care of the vampires every generation, right? Who better than our nation's 16th President. He freed one group of people while slaughtering another group. I have little expectations of this movie other than thinking it should be fun. If you like history, and/or you like vampires, perhaps you should not see this movie. I will check message boards later in the summer to see if somebody actually posts a review getting upset at this tall tale of Abraham Lincoln. I bet I will find it. And when I do, an open letter to that dumbass will be posted here.
G.I. Joe: Retaliation
If Channing Tatum isn't dancing or acting like a buffoon cop, I don't want to see him. The first movie in this franchise could have been really good. That Wayans brother killed it. The Rock is in it too, but as a 32 year old not-in-a-while wrestling fan, that does not peak my interest anymore. This probably range somewhere between better than G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra and getting a novacaine needle in the mouth. Explosions, puns, bad acting, Rock yelling - the only intrigue I have in this is what happened to the Cobra Commander at the end of the last movie. That was the only part that actually served any purpose to the movie. I will have to investigate this movie and may possibly just purchase from my local laundromat street merchant.
The Brave
"Determined to make her own path in life, Princess Merida defies a custom that brings chaos to her kingdom. Granted one wish, Merida must rely on her bravery and her archery skills to undo a beastly curse." That's IMDB's synopsis. Duba's synopsis - probably a bunch of British accents.
The Amazing Spiderman
If they had named this "The Great Spiderman" I would have been pissed. In my opinion, "Great" is more humble than "Amazing". Also, I don't recognize one actor's name in this movie. I think the girl from the help with that horrible voice is in it. I did enjoy the original Spiderman franchise. Hopefully this goes more in the way of the recent Batmans as opposed to the Fantastic Four. I am quietly waiting for this movie, but I have the lowest expectations for this movie out of all the movies I am even slightly intrigued by.
Ice Age: Continental Drift
The best thing about a dead horse is that you can beat it forever. I did not put up my preview of Madagascar's next installment because I really did not enjoy any of those movies like I have the Ice Age franchise. Rocco is a big Ice Age fan and the last movie they made was humorous on all levels. However, the crew battles "pirates". Quite a leap from cavemen/dinosaurs to pirates for the lifespan of these soon to be endangered animals. Hopefully though, nobody else will analyze this movie any more than I just did. I hope it is a fun one as I am sure I will be there the weekend it comes out.
Ted
All I can say after seeing this commercial and the movie poster is "What the F*ck?" Looks like a high profile version of "Hot Rod" if you ask me. I find family guy very entertaining with great replay factor, so I hope the same for this movie. Because Kim likes Mark Wahlberg for his, uh, acting, I know that I am almost certain to see this movie in the theaters.
The Dark Knight Rises
Boom. I have waited anxiously for this movie for what seems like an eternity. I truly loved "The Dark Knight" and is easily one of my favorite movies of all time, if not ever. It will be a very very ridiculous movie to follow as that was once in a lifetime. I have read as much as I can about this movie and at first was a little disappointed, but then had my faith restored after watching the trailer. Bane looks awesome, regardless of his speech/voice. Catwoman though always left something to be desired for me. I don't care about a woman without superpowers who wears spandex and whips people. Horrible character, but hopefully it is more about Bane and Batman struggling with himself. I actually read that people criticized the football field collapse as looking too fake. Uh, it's all fake. This movie is my top pick for the summer.
Neighborhood Watch
Benn Stiller Vince Vaughn Jonah Hill and another guy on the neighborhood watch and end up fighting aliens? I was absolutely enthralled with this movie until the alien part. Unless the aliens are like Seth Rogan and Danny McBride, count me out of the theater, but please provide me a bootleg of that instead.
Savages
Woman gets kidnapped. Drug dealers must work together to save the girl they both love. Mexicans. Pot. Several stories knitted together. Could be great or very bad. No in between. Kim very much wants to see this, and I am going to see this one. After Batman.
The Bourne Legacy
Matt Damon was great as Jason Bourne and the last installment of this franchise was pretty kick ass. If this is a prequel, I am really not interested enough in the story. Books to movies generally start up some nerd argument about the movies not being as good and not capturing the story right. Okay. Unfortunately, I already do not have a lot of interest in this. I bet it ends with Bourne outsmarting the CIA yet again as he escapes into his prequel obscurity. Another thing about prequels - you know he won't die, so anything that puts him in danger has no suspense to me.
Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Dog Days
Sweet little franchise of movies. Family fun. Never saw a bad version of this movie franchise nor ever seen a bad book out of the bunch and Rocco gets the movie and likes it. We may not see this in the theater, but we will most likely rent and/or own this in the future.
ParaNorman
Clever title and idea. Cartoon boy talks to dead people and fights zombies. I see the potential for lewd humor for a kids movie, but I hope not. Too me, looks to be the freshest and most entertaining kid cartoon movie of the summer.
7500
A supernatural force similar to a snake invades this plane flying over the Pacific Ocean. Movies that take place in a closed setting like a plane are a big risk. "The Devil" was good in my opinion, but "Panic Room" was lame. "Phone Booth" was good, but "127 Hours" dragged on. You almost want to see how all the characters interact, but too many characters could clog up this movie. I guarentee at least one black guy dies on the plane, keeping true to horror form.
Other Movies - I only wrote the ones that I care about or have any opinion of. There is also an Anthony Hopkins romance movie, British people chasing other British people movie, old couples finding themselves movie, Total Recall remake, and something about southern beasts. I really don't care about these movies, so suck it.
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