A couple weeks back my boy Kareem came over to have dinner. It was great to see him again, and as a bonus he brought us a stack of movies about a foot tall. And I mean just DVDs, no boxes or nothing. We go through and take like 30 based on his description.
So when we asked for his Black Guy Synopsis, he basically said this group of early 20 somethings gets stuck on the side of the road and when they ask for help they get tortured by these crazy white guys. Sounds good.
Literally one minute in this movie proved to be a bad choice. So there are three couples and one dude who got stood up. The solo rider has a camera for no other reason than he wants to film his trip to Vegas. There's a white couple, a black couple, and a marine with some Spanish chick he has been seeing lately. It seems like the marine is an asshole, the black guy is a step and fetch it black guy, the white guy is a whiny pansy, and the white guy is, of course level headed.
So, there's a detour and they make a left turn. Like 100 feet later they blow two tires. With their trip to Vegas in jeopardy the guys choose to make the girls wait in the car so they can talk about how much they hate each other. The guys walk for what should be been hours to the nearest gas station. They ask for help and the marine is a dick. The mechanic doesn't want to be recorded. They follow him to the back where there is a bar and restaurant and ultra friendly staff. The place offers the free drinks from a slutty bartender. Of course they make the black guy go, "Daaaaaaaaaaamn" upon seeing her. Follow up black guy stereotypes involve the guy, named Jordan, asking very coyly for chicken, sleeping when he should have been awake, and a pretty white girl assuming he plays basketball.
Apparently, several hours pass by as the marine, black guy, and camera man sit and enjoy food while normal ol' white guy is out with the overly nice mechanic. They actually show a montage of the men at the bar getting wasted as the sun appears to both rise and then set. Amidst the now thriving party atmosphere at this bar, which is attached to a mechanic garage, that also has a motel, the men who stayed see the truck lights of a tow truck with their car and women inside it. By my count, there were supposed to be 5 total people put into the obvious two person cab of the tow truck. The black guy of course is upset that his fun is ruined now that his no good girlfriend arrived. Also suddenly there is a guy who has a massive hair lip scar who is overtly nice as well. The bartender is all over the camera man, and it was karaoke night at the bar. So the girl drags the camera man onstage and sits him in a chair and gives a G-rated lap dance, i.e. Gay-Rated lap dance. Seriously, by this point, Kim and I were begging for these shitty actors to die.
All drunked up, the couples are offered free rooms, and they all go separate ways. The marine and his Hispanic girlfriend have sex in a violently fast way that porn actresses said it wasn't real. I mean this was bad. The white couple has odd sex, interrupted by the marine looking for more beer. The black couple is joined with the girl getting all dolled up and sexified, then just happens to prance into the bedroom for her boyfriend to be asleep (apparently as usual, you know like a lazy black guy). I probably wouldn't have thought about calling out the movie like that if they hadn't already had planted some things about the guys behavior earlier in the movie.
Oh and all this, including the car service, drinks, food (i.e., chicken), and hotel stay is FREE. Nope, nothing odd here.
So the camera man wakes up realizing that he just betrayed his girlfriend Julia and sneaks his way out of the room with his bar wench. He finds the car is out front with tires replaced and bags out and next to the car from the other couples. He finds the white couple first, with the door surprisingly unlocked. He wakes them up, videos the girl getting dressed after he finished zooming in on apparently the world's smallest male genitalia, as he described it. Once they are dressed he is standing in the door way talking about how they can't remember anything then THWACK!!! His head falls off and the waiter from the bar is holding a sickle and smiling about it. Then he closes the door and locks it from the outside after the girls from the bar clean up the bloody mess in about 10 seconds.
Then there's a man in a control room watching all the couples' rooms. It goes on to show the white couple, with the guy crying uncontrollably throughout the rest of the movie, and the other couples, who are bound.
The marine is tied to a chair and has several cuts on his body and also a shock collar on his neck, and his Hispanic girlfriend is tied on the bed by her hands and feet. The black couple is in the bathroom with the girl bound in a tub and the guy strapped to a chair, with an empty bucket attached to his suspended in the air arm that also has a wire taped to it attached to a bunch of batteries on the floor.
Basically, what happened was these men and women asked for help from orphans who were left to do die in an orphanage. The hair lip guy and mechanic slowly reveal the plot from the beginning, that some fire happened, and when some body asks them for help they think that means they are weak and must die. When these formerly orphaned people asked for help they got put into shitty homes and beaten by the orphanage master. I know this scenario is probably and unfortunately true in some cases, but by this point I didn't care about any of them. So, below is my recollection of the murders:
- Hispanic girl, bound by feet and ankles is, is ripped in half by two trucks with the chains that bound her attached to the hitch.
- Black girl is killed by the 4 separate shocks of doom. They added rocks to the bucket on the black guys arm so the wire dipped down.
- White bartender girl skank who slept with camera man is killed when the black guy head butts her so hard she falls backward into tub, and he shocks the shit out of her.
- Marine is shot point blank in the head, after being tied to a chair ALL day. I bet he smelled like pee and poop.
Then it's revealed that the white girl (from the white couple) is the daughter of the evil orphanage owner/operator who tortured them. Somehow she is also tied up to two pickup trucks. They nonchalantly talk about ripping her in half. Oh and this was all set up by the camera man's girlfriend, Julia, who also happened to be one of the orphans. Julia then springs out of a motel door, only to immediately get jumped by the black guy. He threatens to break her neck unless they let the white girl go. This makes Hair Lip Larry rethink the whole plot and lets them all go, even giving the white guy the gun. Black guy then punches the pretty white blonde Julia square in the face.
They eventually get cornered by Hair Lip Hank and Brad the mechanic in the restaurant section. I clearly saw the three of the victims shoot these two perpetrators. It ends with the white couple and black guy limping out the hidden area to the main road and waiving down a car. Then pan out "6 months later" to a convenience store. Some black guy buys a fruit soda (I'm serious, this movie was horrible on many levels), then the next guy is a little white guy who asks for help. It reveals Hair Lip Henry as the cashier, and he says "Hey Brad this guy can use our help." White kid smiles. Sinister drum smash sound. Fin.
All in all, I hate Kareem. He truly wasted my time with this movie. Of course, Kim and I really thought about turning it off before it ever got started, but we were interested in what the deaths would be. I love a good racist joke, but the overt racism in this movie was offensive to me. The fake sex was awful, the acting was worse than Rocco trying to lie to me about NOT eating candy, and it was only 78 minutes long. That is shorter than the movie phone booth. I've had bowel movements that lasted longer. And were more enjoyable.
Kim went to brush her teeth after the three victims were trapped in the restaurant, so I told her the ending. She said, "I guess the moral of the story is if you're an orphan, don't get burned."
I would rather go to jail for punching my grandmother than recommend this movie to anybody.
No comments:
Post a Comment