Tall People are Smart, Short People have Character

 

 

This article was up on Yahoo! this morning. Interesting to say the least. The article doesn't state what the height cut off is for short/tall but I imagine I am in the former category.

 

The "Facts"

Taller people have a higher IQ, earn more money, get bitten (is that a real word? I don't know, my IQ is too low) by more bugs, and can get more cancer up to and including rectal cancer. Shorter people live longer, have more kids, have more character, are humorous, and has greater chance of heart disease.

 

Score:

Tall - 2 positives, 3 negatives

Short - 4 positives, 1 negative

 

Dubanalysis: I have lived most of my life as a short man. I am with a woman who is taller than me. My ex-wife was shorter than me. Take that for what you will. My IQ is around 142-150. I've taken several tests just because. I have done the Wonderlic test and scored a 42-44 out of 50. Tall people have to suffer from flying insect bites, but being lower to the ground I probably get more tick bites. I am the third shortest guy in my office and probably make the average salary. I have no biological kids. My family now has a history of cancer (but no rectal cancer). What does it all mean? I happen to know how to work smarter and not taller. A taller person would tend to reach on their tippy toes for things that I would often grab a chair for. The taller oafs then have an increased chance of falling down or straining muscles. Also, taller bones mean thinner bones, and short means more compact, concrete-like bones. I am more susceptible to obtaining an eye injury while cutting grass and more likely to be lost forever in a corn maze. I have never experienced this, but to close proximity to the steering wheel, I am more likely to get knocked out by an air bag than to be protected by one. Despite popular belief, I do not have an easier time getting into small spaces, but perhaps that is a factor of my girth and not height.

 

I can't say I feel tall when I go to my son's football practice. When I extend my arm high for a super high five, they can hit my hand. I had to position myself on the other end of the team photo so as not to look like a bearded 8 year old. Maybe as I continue to coach Rocco throughout his youth I can develop the low five. But the kind where you don't pull the hand away and yell, "too slow!"

 

Did you know that at 5 feet above the ground, if the world were completely flat, you could see for 11 straight continuous miles? So at 5' 7" +/-, I'm looking at about 11.7 miles. You behemoths are staring at 12+ miles. Good luck sorting out that distorted mess. I would prefer a more accurate line of sight.

 

Also, I have moved several times, and unfortunately most of those times has been to a second or third floor. As strong as I want to think I am, my shortness tends to rear its ugly head when carrying large pieces of furniture down a flight of stairs. I need to be the bottom so that I can switch my hands at a natural position. My mattress (a Queen-sized Tempurpedic) has handles to lift it, but when I grab a handle to lift it up sideways, it doesn't leave the ground.

 

I do feel, however, that being lower to the ground, if a taller person goes to run into me and knock me over, they have less of a chance. I can make a stronger blunt object already close to the ground. It is easier to knock over a 100 pound tall tree than a 100 pound boulder. If I ran into a taller person full speed, they take all my force (mass times acceleration times distance or something nerdy like that). You are 5 feet 8", you're missing one extra inch's worth of girth/mass/force behind.

 

I know every four steps I take is 10 feet, and arms out to my sides, finger tip to finger tip is 5 feet. Keep your fancy measuring implements. Afterall, you have longer pockets to keep them in.

 

It is, however, very hard to find the perfect 29 inch inseam pants. If only Kiddie City was still around.

 

All in all, no matter your height, life is a tall order and too short for us to all really know if this even matters or not.

Flipping The Bird: Examining My Facebook Feed During TNF Featuring The Philadelphia Eagles

So last night, I had the displeasure of watching the Eagles after one of the longer days of work I have ever had. Kim and Rocco went out to eat with her mom and arrived home after I did, around 8. We read some books and I joined the game in progress immediately following the Damaris Johnson muffed punt. What. The. Hell.

The following is a chronological portrayal of comments I had made on Facebook while watching the game/texting my best football buddy Brandon in BOLD type. Immediately underneath is my quick explanation. Enjoy...



Let's go eagles get into that massive road trip with a winning record!

The Eagles have one of the mo,re difficult schedules. They just wrapped up three games in 11 days and head out to Denver for the next one. I think they have the Giants and somebody else I can't remember on the road. That's three straight road games, 4 in the first 6 weeks. At least when they return half of their away games will be done. Denver may find themselves in a trap game if the Eagles take the next 10 days to prep like they did for Week 1.

What the fuck eagles. I've been up since 310 this morning for work to make a fraction of what your lowest paid teammates make. I did my job well. Do yours. Dicks.

Ah. This was when the Chiefs intercepted Vick and scored on the same play. Nobody did much to stop that play or let it develop. I feel after three weeks this offense feels entitled to scoring points and doesn't earn them yet.

That's right Andy, establish the punt!

A few years ago Jay invited me Brandon and Landis to a game. I believe it was Donovan McNabb's return to Philadelphia after being traded to the Redskins. We sat amongst season ticket holders in the end zone. Some were hilarious, some were drunk. Some were both. This guy, who's name I never got, appeared near death at one point in his seat. Landis nudged me and told me to look at the guy next to Brandon is perhaps about to puke. The dude was like a taller Brandon. We don't think he was even watching the game since kick-off. We went for a smoke break and I volunteered to sit next to him as I was the smaller statured one. He muttered a bunch of awesome sayings. Including him just yelling at the top of his lungs every defensive play, "HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" until the play was complete. The Eagles were full of 3 and outs that day, and every time the punting unit came, the dude would whisper to me, "That's it Andy, establish the punt. You can't get the game going if you don't have a strong punting game. Establish the punt. You have to establish the punt. All game. Establish the punt." His words resonate with me this day and I wish my late friend was still here to share this tale with me.

Every other actor in the world, 1 - Joe Flacco, 0

Immediately following said punt, they cut to commercial. The commercial was for Colin K-somethingorother and Joe Flacco having a football tossing competition and then something about MacDonalds new mighty wings. The lights go out in the stadium and some creature is eating the wings. I hope it turns out to be King Dunlap, but they never reveal who/what it is. Anywho, Joe Flacco will be a horrible actor. He is like if a chalkboard had human features, that's Joe Flacco. Plus, he looks like he has a clear mask on over his face. He just looks weird. Keep it to mediocre regular season play, Joe.

After Vick runs for like 60 yards you can't fake hin running.

Seriously, nobody on the Chiefs bought that Vick was going to keep it after his first long run in the second quarter. McCoy got no gain on that play and perhaps it could've been a pass or straight up simple hand-off.

Mike Mayock sounds like he wants to analyze the locker room more than the game, but he's a great commentator.

He sounds like he enjoys the company of men more than women. Nothing wrong with that as I have stated before in my forum to the world. He provides really good information about the players' past and perhaps what they may be good at. He is good at analyzing the plays. And remember, you can't spell analyze without anal.

You're crushing their line. Just demolish them already

I don't even think it would be considered crushing the line. More like just busting through it. 3-5 players seemed like they were getting back there, almost grabbing Alex Smith and also keeping Jamaal Charles to 15 rushing yards up till the 4th quarter.

Establish the punt!

Please see aforementioned story.

This game has a high visor to coach ratio.

I saw Doug Peterson and Chip Kelly and some additional assistants on both sidelines with visors. The visor is a weird look. Some people look like gamblers, some look like arrogant douchebags. Some look like child molesters. I don't know which category Chip falls into yet.

Love the fact that flyeaglesfly.com created by Tim Beitz gets so much play

My oldest friend on the planet, of 28+ years, Tim Beitz, had a major part in development of the Philadelphia themed flyeaglesfly.com. The commercials always seem to air in the 2nd quarter of NFL network games. You go boy. Whatever this brings you, you deserve it.

Also, in my fantasy league, I declared Tim would be the only guy that we would all choose to bang if we had to. Everybody agrees.

Laces out!! Finkle is Einhorn!

Another week, another 3 points shy of something. This past Sunday the game would've been tied and led to overtime. Last night, combined with Vick not throwing a pick six, the game is tied at the end of regulation. And if you watched Ace Ventura when you were younger, you cannot help but mutter one of these two phrases when you see a missed field goal.

Alex Flanagan is an empty headed tunnel.

Have you seen this woman on NFL Network? She is made up of 0% emotion and 100% image of what NFL Network Executives think we want to see on TV. I like football. I like the emotion of the game that comes from players and fans. I don't need the camera to zoom in on a vapid cheerleader smiling while my team is down by 30 points. Alex Flanagan is like a hashtag, without the asht. She offers nothing really to society. I ONLY set up my twitter account so that I could tweet her that she sucked. I then morphed it into my current role.

This is the most jeckyl and hyde team ever

Sacking Alex Smith, throwing interceptions, stopping Jamaal Charles, allowing Donnie Avery to explode, beautiful pass-catches with Desean and Avant, targeting Riley Cooper about 20 times. Maybe they will be a juggernaut in the making, but they need some more cohesion and accountability on every side of the ball.

Uh. Mayock just said Niles Davis was "body beautiful"

Good "anal"ysis.

With that bright red shirt on i finally noticed Andy Reid wears fanny packs. But he wears them on his front butt.

Seriously, he  may be winning right now, but that look is awful. I've heard the jokes on the radio calling him the Kool-Aid man. I think I had already wrote that the day it was announced he was going to Kansas City. If he was in Baltimore, it'd be all purple (Barney), Lions/Chargers/Seahawks/Giants (blueberry), Browns/Bengals (pumpkin), 49ers (strawberry), he would probably look a little better.

Dumby. It's Los Chiefs de Ciudad de Kansas

So glad NFL Network took the time to tell me it was Latin Heritage Month within the NFL. Since white people are the minority in football as well, how about a combined Asian/Caucasian Heritage Month? Just asking. We can highlight players like Tony Romo or Riley Cooper.

I say it every week. I love Avant

When the most crucial of 3rd down conversions was needed in the game, and Vick was getting pressured enough to maybe overshoot the ball by just a hair, Avant tipped it in the air to himself as he was falling to the ground diving for it. Awesome catch. Anybody remember that one handed overhead catch last year at Tampa? The dude makes at LEAST 3 amazing catches per year. And he caught a great touchdown later.

I still stand by my decision to bench the Chiefs Defense.

In hindsight, I am a jackass. 25 points sitting on my fantasy bench. Apparently the Thursday Night Football rule is still the same.

I'm pretty sure my grandma could bust through the chiefs line right now

She is 92(?) years old. At one point all three Eagles linemen got the jump and got through. They just couldn't stop the Eagles, and it was weird.

Andy has a good sense of humor.

He called timeout with just under 4 minutes in the half on like 2nd down and 9. The crowd went nuts when he did. Just kind of funny. But not as funny as what happened next...

Seriously, he called a timeout for that one yard run

A one yard run up the middle by Alex Smith. Ladies and Gentlemen, THAT's the Andy Reid people HATE in Philadelphia. I don't hate him. I don't like those moves.

What the hellConnor Barwin

I missed the space bar on this one. Just like Connor Barwin missed the ball carrier as he decided to flop to the ground while chasing I think Alex Smith.

Stop throwing to Cooper

He had caught nothing all night up to that point. The Hell this guy has put himself in must be unbearable.

If you think McCoy just breaking his leg was the end of the season, just remember we were 4-12 last year and everything is new this year and we play in the worst division in football.

It looked like McCoy was having his leg cut off while somebody raped his mother right over his head and the rape sweat was falling in his eyes. The crowd died. The team died. The announcers acted like THAT was the reason the Eagles won't succeed. No. But anything is possible. Eagles may still be first place in the division this weekend, with a losing record. If they truly make the playoffs, I would rather be with a just "win the division" mentality rather than a "let's blow everybody out" one. The way it looks, 5 wins could wrap this up for the division champion.

Thank you for the face emotion pouring details, Alex Flanagan.

The statue of a portrait of a copy of a picture of a woman, Alex Flanagan, told us she creepily stared down the tunnel while Lesean McCoy walked down to the locker room, then suddenly he bent over put his head in his hands and let the "emotions pour out of his face." He came back one quarter later and scored a touchdown. I call shenanigans on Alex Flanagan's reporting.

Poor McNabb is going to be booed as he retires. And thats the Eagles fault for the way they played

It would've been a crazy way to buttress his career - booed at the draft, booed at retirement. I'm sure he has true love for the city. He just sounds like a jackass sometimes when he speaks of himself. That has actually calmed down a little bit in recent years. People will hate on him forever, but seriously, the dude made me a fan. Good thing the crowd elicited Brian Dawkins to deliver the retirement party. But I was worried that the Eagles poor performance, and then the face of the franchise that couldn't win it all being in the same building at the same time, that it might get ugly.

How many blocks in the back can a referee allow? The Eagles are losing on their own, but it doesnt have to be this bad

A couple of the Chiefs' long gains on 3rd down had a lot of back-blocking. I'm pretty sure I don't coach that to my kids because it is illegal. And the refs saw it. I saw them see it. Perhaps the Eagles could've been in this one a little longer, or at least had some more offensive possession to make up for their own lost opportunities throughout the game.

Good for you, Donovan. I always thought you were a classy overachiever. Thanks for making me an Eagles fan for life. Fyi, my phone corrected Donovan to "Do no can"

I really did enjoy Donovan MacNabb's tenure with the Eagles.  I developed my undying fandom under his reign while his ups and downs carried me through mine. Whatever his end result was, I lived life hard to hile he was here.  I had something to cheer for.  For that, I thank you.

So what we learned tonight is Lee an McCoy is a crybaby.

Seriously, McCoy acted like somebody snapped his leg in half and shoved it up his ass. Then he charges into the field and has a decent game. I wonder if that'sthe same reaction he had when his baby's mama called him out on Twitter?

Wow something might go the Eagles way right now. And by that I mean a reversed turnover.

It would be the best thing for them as a team that I had seen give up so many times last year that they know they are lucky to get a chance to keep trying to score.

Elbows out ball in sounds like a Saturday night for Mike Mayock

Analysis.

Are the Eagles trying to innovate on defense by implementing the new trip tackle?

It looked like they were throwing their bodies on the ground just to give the Chiefs an obstacle.  That leads me to my next point...

I wonder of the chiefs will draw a penalty to make it third and long again

The chiefs struggled on third and short, most likely because the Eagles stopped the run MOST of the night, but dominated on third an 9+. It was like 3rd and 4 so the Chiefs could have converted probably after a false start. Turns out they got the first down anyways.

What a surprise, Riley Cooper's black teammates are not pleased

Seriously, he dropped or missed several chances. The cameras found obviously frustrated black players. One after another showed an apparent disgusted look that one of you people let them down.

Is anybody else on facebook right now?

I got several texts telling me I dominated their Facebook feeds and they were loving it.

This is the weirdest game I think I have ever seen.

The Eagles gave up so many points on the field and the Chiefs were playing like they only had five players on the field.

This is how I spend my time watching an Eagles game.

A lot of things get said during a football game with Brandon either on the other end of the phone or in the same room. A lot of gay jokes, a lot of meat and a lot or other inappropriateness.

I want to say the defense is keeping them in the game, but this game us horrible. This is like when Atlanta beat New Orleans 5-3 last year

This game was the epitome of why non-Thanksgiving thursday night football is horrible. Anybody who watched that game and said it was a great game is just an asshole and I don't trust you.

I'm sorry but if you are hurt you should be on the bench

It is suspicious when a player goes down after giving up two critical plays in a row. If you stop the game because of injury more than two times in a five minute span, perhaps you shouldn't be allowed in the game.

Seriously Andy Reid is begging the Eagles to take this game.

The coaching standard fans despised came out like he was teasing the philadelphia fans taunting them that their team and new regime couldn't take candy from a baby.

I honestly thought Mayock was on the other guys lap

They showed Mike Mayock and his announcing partner but i had to do like a quadruple take to make sure he wasn't actually sitting on that guys lap. He is a very small looking man too. He looked like that other announcer could have been using Mayock like a puppet.

Get another one, boys. You don't stop till the last whistle.

I always think until the last whistle has blown, you always have a chance to win.

I've seen this show before. The ending better be different, or else twenty people will see how mad I am about it tomorrow

Well, it isn't the day after, but I'm sure twenty people came looking for this column. The ending was the same - disappointment.  Disappointment is worse and different than heartbreak. Heartbreak is having the hope and dreams dashed. Disappointment is getting the same shit on a different day after the heartbreak.

Can't you just stop a team one time?

Jamaal Charles had just scored a touchdown, I believe. And the game was essentially all but comoleted.

"False start...Everybody but the center" Honestly?

Seriously. One great half against the terrible redskins doesn't mask they are an awful team from last year. And no, Mike Mayock, the Eagles defense did not play well b that was pathetic. The franchise QB is not on the roster yet, and some of these primadonas have to suck it up and not expect to win.

Defense had half the calls right. But all the calls must be right to win a game. Also, the offense looks like they can't keep up with the plan, either.

Well, ten days to lament a loss isn't as bed as two weeks. Or 7 months

Or an entire year. Remember. When the Lions went almost two full years without a win?  imagine being a Jaguars fan this year. At least people want to see the Eagles this year. I will root every week. 6-10 could win the division.  I just want more wins than losses at some point.  

This Is Only a Test

In an effort to better serve you, my faithful worldwide readers, I am testing a new app I purchased meant to allow YOU more access. My twitter feed should be more frequently updated, more access to blogging without doing it from my email account, so much more access. You guys ow me $2.99. What is $2.99 divided by 9,000? So it is called Polarbear, and it services all your needs like a Russian asylum. I may hook up a tumbler account, but I am unsure what that is. Took me about two years to (sort of) understand twitter. #hashtag.

Flipping The Bird: A Look At The In-Game Misguided Experience That Is The Philadelphia Eagles

It has now been two years (almost) since the Eagles won a game that I attended. It has been a long time since Vince Young hit Riley Cooper for that touchdown up in the new Giants stadium. Little did we know that Cooper really hated Young. I was curious how the crowd at home would react to Cooper after his videotaped outburst that I did not address. First, if he was willing to say that word in a heated argument in a public event maybe he uses the word the same way when sober at the same level. I know people who say the word but have friends of the black race. It wasn't right what he did, and that could have been anybody. Riley Cooper has to play against a majority of black people on defense, and each one of them probably puts some kind of target on his back, big or small. That is his punishment for the rest of his career. For the past two seasons, Dunta Robinson has played against the Eagles (as a Falcon) and taken out Desean and Jeremy Maclin with hits that knocked those guys out. Dunta Robinson, who I think is a legit scumbag like Brandon Merriweather, comes to Philadelphia on Thursday night as a Chief. Goodnight, Riley Cooper. I have seen this coming since the Chiefs signed Dunta Robinson, probably as a preemptive move by Andy Reid to help take out another weapon for the Eagles.

 

Now, with that out of the way, it certainly felt good to be back at the stadium. I went with Kim's brother, Joe, and we sat in traffic than the parking lot. I didn't have time to get beer the night before, so luckily there was a pack of college kids next to us. I asked them if they wanted to sell me some beer and they did the typical college retort of, "Hey how the fuck don't you have any beer???!! You're at the game bro." I said, "I'm a father and I couldn't take my kid and his friend to the liquor store. This is your chance to  make some money, so what do you say." $10 later and I had me some Rolling Rock Pounders, of the six-pack variety. Also on the menu were burgers. When deciding which to buy, and considering only 2 people would be eating, I didn't want to go with the Bubba Burger 6 pack, and instead chose the Cal Ripken labeled "Ripken Burgers." Stick to baseball, Cal. These burgers were good, but the flip flopping aftermath of the burgers in my stomach is something never encountered with a Bubba burger. Maybe it was the fact I ate two of them. Maybe it was the fact that I piled the last 5 pieces of cheese on said second burger. I don't know. I'm no gastrointestinal doctor. I do know it was a struggle to drink even one pounder before the first snap. So I chugged it down and drank a second on the way to the stadium.

 

People in line to get patted down were complaining about how long the line took to move. I don't know. It was a big line, but moved fast enough that we were there by kickoff. These people must suck to sit with in a traffic jam.

 

I had standing room only tickets, and a sprained ankle. Joe has bad knees. He was actually sitting at some points to watch the game through the railings. Either way, for just over 50 bucks a ticket, you can see the whole field. I've been to many standing room games, but this one had so much energy that you could feel echoing through the stadium. It hasn't been since 2010 (my first game) that I heard such a clatter there. Fans were JACKED, even after the Chargers scored a couple times.

 

The game itself had some bright spots like the offense. BUT, Chip Kelly has stated in interviews that time of possession doesn't matter to him. The Eagles had the ball for about 20 minutes and the Chargers for 40. You cannot let the other team hold the ball for 40 minutes with your defense. A defense that believes in only getting to the ball once it lands in another person's hands. Carrie Williams was the only one attacking the ball in the air, and he had three pass interference calls. Brandon Boykin made some good tackles, but that was after the guy caught a ball at least 2 yards in front of him. They had blitzes that are called delayed blitzes, but why did the delay have to last until the following play? The starting left tackle for the Chargers is King Dunlap. He is statistically one of the worst players from the Eagles last year. The Chargers had been described as having one of the worst offensive lines in football, but they looked stellar on Sunday.

 

Something to consider is that Ken Wisenhunt used to be the head coach of a Billy Davis defense. Perhaps he knew what Davis would do to them and that's why Philip Rivers could stretch 33 points over his 40 minutes of possession. Reality hit in two ways on Sunday - 1. The Eagles a far cry away from being serious contenders and 2. The Washington Redskins suck out loud. For the latter, the Eagles appeared to let up on the Redskins, allowing 20 almost unanswered points in the second half. Pretty much what the Packers did after shutting them down the whole first  half, just like the Eagles had done. For the former, we have to consider over half the starters on the Eagles defense is new, the system is new for EVERY player, the coaching staff is completely new, and some players are in positions that are new to them. They will adjust. Billy Davis may have had some bad defenses that helped make the NFC West a laughing stock for years, but what he left behind there and in Cleveland has been strong units. Maybe this group is the one that clicks better by the end of the year rather than the end of his tenure. It also helps a defense to play better when they are on a team that can score more than 17 points a game. The Eagles right now average 31.5 points per  game. They should be in most of them.

 

The offense looked good but we didn't see much hurry up. The hurry up was criticized on the radio for getting the Eagles to score quickly with just under two minutes left. They could have had some runs or small passes to give the Chargers maybe less than one minute instead of double that. Hindsight. You would think your professional defense should be able to realize they can still sneak out a win on not their best day.

 

Back to the offense. Vick has the best QB rating in Eagles history and  had his best game ever. Desean, if he caught two of his dropped passes or his first TD counted, would have had over 300 yards receiving and Vick would have had almost 600 yards passing. This was a weekend where Aaron Rodgers, Rivers, and Vick threw for over 400 yards without an interception, a first in NFL history. And when two of those players are in the same game, some team had to lose. The Chargers just played like the better team the whole game.

 

It was exciting though. I tried everything on the line of superstition I could. Rubbed my sunburnt head. Tapped my head on the hand rail. Hopped on my bad foot. Nothing. When the Eagles tied it with a field goal, the stadium began to empty. Holy Hell did people see that loss coming. The Eagles ended the game with a too choreographed play to scramble around the field, but it did get them almost 40 yards downfield. Clock expired. Week is ruined.

 

The energy in the game by the fans was surreal. I got the goosebumps when the Rocky music began. The crowd was HOT. The energy faded some time in the third quarter when we were all going nuts for the defense, and 9 plays, a couple penalties, and 3 first downs later that energy waned big time. The Crowd didn't resurge until late in the 4th quarter, but it was too late.

 

It is always a privilege to get to go to a game. Even last year, I was like one of 10 people left when the clock struck 0:00. I did the same this week. My chances of attending another game are slim, unless they start to tank again and head toward 6-10 as I predicted. Bitch of it is this game sets them back to 5-11. Maybe some adjustments get made, but it may be too little too late as the schedule gets only tougher from here on out.

 

On a side note, we saw a group of Chargers fans walking down the concourse behind us. One of them was a man, relatively stocky, in his 60s. Some young fans were jawing at them, so the Chargers fans began walking back up the zig zag concourse. The old man leading the way. The man looked at the kid, shoved him in his face, and the kid RAN AWAY!. Like one of those hold your beers out so it doesn't spill kind of run. His friend engaged the old man and began to wrestle him. A couple of other younger guys came in and a small mild brawl ensued. But one of the kids landed a punch straight on the jaw of the old man, who mind you did not throw a punch. The man went down. Suddenly a plain clothes guy pulls out a badge and security gets up to arrest people. I think the chargers guys were those undercover cops. Joe didn't think so, but I later looked down to the ground level from our spot in the concourse and saw the Chargers "fans" shaking hands with cops and the plain clothes guy. The pack of Chargers fans continued to roam the stadium, almost looking for trouble. Now, I don't know the start of it, but the kids were yelling shit to the Chargers fans when they walked by to begin their descent of the concourse. The old man instigated the fight. If they were undercover cops, why did they have to  instigate the fight? The kids obviously have the "let's fight just to fight" mentality and probably helped other people in the stadium avoid some trouble, and I by no means feel sorry for anybody who punches another person voluntarily when not in self defense, but the kids felt a little set up. The plain clothes guy who brought the party down then turned to a couple standing above us and asked why they didn't do anything. The man of the couple said something like, "I'm here to enjoy the game, not do your fucking job." The plain clothes guy verbally went off on the man, who laughed him off. I fully agree with the man. Don't set up a fight amongst fans and expect somebody who paid good as money as I did to STAND and watch a football game to miss the action. The plain clothes guy threatened to THROW OUT the couple because of the man cursing at the cop. Look, plain clothes guy, maybe don't let an old man be the bait for you to arrest somebody and get angry when people want to stay away from physical violence. I know of too many people who go to break up a fight and get knocked over and have died or been severely injured. Sometimes you just don't get involved except for getting those trained to stop the melee to do their jobs. My hat goes off to you, man who argued with plain clothes guy, but I wish I kept my hat because my head is beat red.

 

Whew. Maybe not an entertaining entry, but if the Eagles won perhaps I would be in a better mood whilst writing. The worst thing I did on Sunday though was call up Pudding who wanted help with his fantasy team. As the commissioner, I can adjust lineups for those who aren't able to. I talked him into starting Russel Wilson. Who did I convince him to start Wilson over? You guessed it, Frank Stallone. No, Philip Rivers. He would've won the game in a big way. But that is how my luck is sometimes.

 

Moving on, the Eagles may be in big trouble. Andy Reid has a fiery Chiefs team playing top football right now. Their defense is one of the better units in the NFL. The offense is what it is, but against the Philadelphia defense, they can be super. I expect a very hard fought battle. But remember, Thursday night games typically bring out the worst in teams. Unless they play the Eagles. I felt going into Sunday I did not have a good feeling about this next game. I still don't. It is solely on the players who want to win, not just show they are better off without Andy Reid. The fans will be NUTS on Thursday as they retire McNabb's number and welcome back their long-time unappreciated head coach. It will be a hostile crowd. The defense is probably going to look even worst after being in the last game for 40 minutes on 3 days rest to play a dink and dunk team that spreads the ball through the middle of the field, when the Eagles secondary lines up deep in the back of it. But, look on the bright side, at least the offense is rested!

 

 

Flipping The Bird: A look at the Exhausting To Watch Philadelphia Eagles (In a good way)

The half year of waiting was finally over. The girl you were unsure about finally took off her dress. And what was revealed was a strong 8 out 10.

Many people now love their team again. Many people now fear the Eagles again. But, before we delve in further, we must remember this was a Redskins team with an average at best defense and a crippled quarterback who had a knee surgery mid-game.

The good: Do I need to state the obvious? It was the little things that you could only see on TV. The closeups of the Redskins defenders huffing and puffing or eyes wide open. The mouth-closedness of Mike Shanahan. That dude never opens his mouth. He probably eats with a feeding tube. The offense was unbelievable. That is a fact. The announcers fawned and hemmed and hawed at the Eagles' drive and ability to run 4 plays in less than a minute. I am very grateful we had Mike Turico and John Gruden on the call. If it was Berman and his other emotionless counterpart I would have sued ESPN. They are awful. As the game went on, the defense and both the offense looked unstoppable. But then they let the foot off the gas. The one unit that played non-stop all game was special teams, and that was the most unbelievable part of the game to me.

Seriously, Chris Polk got down on a kick-off I think and tackled the Redskin player out of his shoe. How many times did the Eagles allow much yardage on a return? I didn't see it. And with Desean Jackson returning punts, the Redskins kicked it out of bounds several times. Also, Carey Williams looked incredible, along with Trent Cole and Mychal Kendricks. Connor Barwin ran down RGIII, and when RGIII went out of bounds on a play Casey Mathews actually stopped him, albeit from the sideline.

 

The Bad: Letting the foot off the gas on defense. I get it on offense. But when the defense let up there was no excuse for it. It almost became a tale of two games. The Eagles blitzed a ton, but it was all the same type of blitz. The defense is still a liability along with the way that Vick was limping by the third quarter. I admire Vick's toughness and tenacity, but that type of play will hurt the team in the end. You don't have to redeem yourself anymore, dude. People will hate you for the right reasons, and people will love you for the right reasons. I know people can say that RGIII is a remarkable awesome ungodly player, but the Eagles had his number. Even as the defense that swarmed all first half began to relax, they still made key stops. They should have made more stops. They allowed 20 points to the division winner's offense, but that was too much for the way they started in the beginning. They have to finish games as Monday Night Football almost featured two remarkable come from behind wins.

 

What was so fascinating about the game last  night was that 90,000+ screaming fans could not panic the once paniced Eagles offense. Lesean McCoy was the leading rusher in the NFL by the third quarter, and by the end of the game he outscored Miami's starting running back Lamar Miller by 6,133 percent. Think I made that number up? Nope. Desean Jackson almost had to pull both feet out of his mouth as DeAngelo Hall clearly had an agenda to get him ejected from the game. Just shut up and play. His play was already speaking volumes.

 

So, what happens next? According to Vick, the Eagles showed less than half of their formations and plays. Perhaps that is why the foot was let off the gas. BUT the team showed a killer instinct and didn't seem to get down when they gave up point after point in the second half. I watched the game, exhausted by half time. The Redskins' charge in the late third and fourth quarters did not worry me. Even if they recovered the onside kick it would have felt like nothing to worry about. If the Redskins did recover and scored to win the game, the tone of this article would have been much different. Now, with a couple hours sleep under my belt and waiting to start work, I realize that problems will only just begin.

 

Philip Rivers launched 4 touchdowns on the vaunted Texans Defense. He gave up a pick six that shifted that whole outcome, but if he is what everybody else on the planet says he is, well, the Eagles could possibly get picked apart this weekend. I think it would be safe for the Eagles to take the foot off the gas after 60 full minutes. I get running down the play clock and the time, but it was only the third quarter when they started that. I know Chip Kelly doesn't want to put his players at too much risk and make his players targets for those tired defenders, so it is a catch 22. Do I keep my team in a position to kill the opponent and risk an outburst that could take a crucial player out or do I try to keep it fair? This is the NFL, where Greg Schiano tries to tackle on a kneel down and one brother dicked over another to win a Super Bowl. The first moment that backfires these fans and this city will devour you.

 

Overall, yes, Chip Kelly will revolutionize the NFL. I hope that it takes two years to do so. The no panic he exhibited plus the smiles from the players even when the Redskins tried to march back showed a swagger missing for a couple years. Yeah they had some swagger last year but it felt fake after barely beating the Browns, Ravens, and Giants. That was explosive last night, and potential is through the roof.

 

Coming up, I am going to opening weekend on Sunday. First home game of the year. I don't know what to expect. I bet the crowd is too jacked to stay quiet for the offense. But if they step it up and the defense continues to swarm, it may be the best time at a game since 2010.

Philadelphia Eagles : Fly Eagles Fly

http://www.flyeaglesfly.com/

Watch the video. Enjoy it, Eagles fans.

Fantasy Football Spectaculum!

Simply put, that is the name of all my fantasy teams this year. I woke up last Friday morning, and the first thing to pop into my  head was the word "VaGiants." I share a team with Kim and I kept trying to get her to go along with my names. First I had Bulk Hogan, than I turned that into Butt Fumble (in reference to the infamous Mark Sanchez Thanksgiving Butt Fumble). She wanted a name we could both be proud of. She didn't want to go with Jacquizzed In My Pants, so I went to bed on Thursday upset that our shared draft was approaching and we hadn't yet had a solid, agreeable name. I usually wake up and first thing in the morning utter something vulgar to myself as I slowly wake up. I don't know why, but I said "VaGiants." It was set. Suddenly the day was great, and I feel the draft went well also. So, without further aduba, let me present to you my three versions of the VaGiants...

 

 

12 Team, two conference (each conference held a separate draft) Ultimate Fanfool League heavily weighted performance Points Per Reception (PPR).

 



 

I have never participated in a PPR league. I noticed that receivers receive 2 points while other positions get 1 point per reception. We had the second pick. I made my draft cheatsheet courtesy of the Football Guys Value Based Drafting tool. That is a method of seeing how much better a player will do than the median scores/performance. It isn't necessary for the first round, but later rounds it helps you see who should go and could be a steal. I used this in all my leagues. We had the second overall pick. I knew we needed to go big with a homerun pick. I explained the theory to Kim, and she was in agreement with me. Sure enough, they started the draft 15 minutes early and we had just moved into our new house that day. We got a phone call from her coworker who picked at number 1, and Kim said, "We are up? Okay, we both agree, we want Calvin Johnson." Her coworker simply said, "Really? Okay...." We showed up and saw the giant draft board. Saturday was hot as hell also and our conference's table was in the sun. All quarterbacks in the first round, minus Calvin Johnson. Looking at the previous year's stat sheets for this league I saw that QBs had the best performance last year. Well, if Calvin Johnson got tackled in the endzone 9 times as opposed to the 5 yard line, he would've been tops. I felt confident and one step ahead of the game. I had my star receiver and my purpose now was to go with those who could catch the most passes and be the focal points of their offenses. Also, there was limited team space with Minimum/Maximum roster spots: 2 QBs, 3 WRs, 2 RBs, 2 TEs, 1 DST, 1 Kicker. My team is as follows:

 

QB - Russel Wilson, Carson Palmer: Last year's out of nowhere whiz kid who has the same exact core players as last year, and the undervalued Carson Palmer who was born throwing a football.

 

RBs - Darren Sproles, Reggie Bush: Two central pieces to their teams offenses and suited for pass  happy teams that are weekly contributors. Plus, if Reggie Bush is to the Lions what he was to Miami, this league is in the bag.

 

WRs - Calvin Johnson, Demaryius Thomas, Steve Smith: The best receiver of now and working towards being the best of all time, the best receiver for Peyton Manning, and the only receiver for the Panthers.

 

TEs - Jordan Cameron, Zach Miller: Not my favorite spot on my team, Cameron is all the rage this year with two coaches who specialize in tight end weapon offense and Miller came up huge in the last quarter of the season/post-season for the Seahawks.

 

DST - Seattle: Basing a lot of my hopes and dreams on the team I formerly hated the most. I think my degree of hate for the Seahawks was well beyond anything I harbor for the Redskins.

 

K - Stephen Gostkowski: He is guaranteed for at least 4 extra points a week in Tom Brady's offense plus with their depleted/unknown receivers, chances of a struggle and resultant short field goals could bolster him.

 

It should be noted, I have never done anything worse than second place (and that was only once) in a new league.

 

8 Team, 4 Points per Touchdown Voorhees Fantasy Football League

The league we started three years ago when we entered the Voorhees office from work. Expectedly, I won that league in the first year after being in last place in October, changing the name to Bunch of Sissies, and went on a several game winning streak to obliterate the playoffs. No matter how I do from this point on, my team is the first name on the trophy Lisa Sauer created for us. The second year I flat out sucked and last year I did the Bunch of Sissies name switch while in last place and placed second. This year, we are all scattered about Pennsylvania and New Jersey as a bunch of douchebags from my old company basically tore us all apart. Luckily in the internet age, I will still be able to beat all of them and without having to see them, I can become more and more crude and make things more uncomfortable now. We drafted last night at 8 p.m., cutting it close to the wire, and I  had the first overall pick. Nine starting spots and 6 benches on an 8 team league make every team a super team. My first overall was a no-brainer and I went with the best performer in last year's league as I wouldn't pick until 14 other players were off. It was tricky, but I was prepared:

 

QBs - Aaron Rodgers, Russel Wilson: Very happy with my quarterback selections. The league's second best player and the kid who is primed for a big week during the bye.

 

RBs - Adrian Peterson, Reggie Bush, Darren Sproles, Ahmad Bradshaw, Daryl Richardson: The best player in the league, plus two cross-over players from my other team, a potential matchup based lottery ticket, and the unknown, bye week filler.

 

WRs - Demaryius Thomas, Desean Jackson, Steve Smith, Cecil Shorts: Another cross-over player who I have a lot of faith in, an Eagle who I think is severely undervalued, cross-over matchup play, and perhaps the best under-the-radar receiver in the league.

 

TEs - Jared Cook, Zach Sudfeld: Jared Cook can be a consistent weapon for the Rams and gets to play over half his games on turf and should shine, the other may be the no-other-choice-but-to-throw-to-him option for Tom Brady.

 

DST - Cincinnati: I really was hoping for Seattle or Chicago, but with 14 picks between teams once they were picked, I think I did fairly well at this spot. Hopefully the contracts their players have signed don't entice them to sit back and relax but rather let them play all out knowing they are taken care of financially.

 

K - David Akers: Throw the old dog a bone.

 

I was about to write that I had no more than one player per team, until I realized Akers and Bush are on the same team. Otherwise, this should provide constant production. I got an email from Yahoo! stating that I earned a B in the draft, saying that my first half was the best of all teams, but then ranked me third overall. Uh, where do you think the starters come from? So yeah, despite not winning the best draft award, I am very happy with my team. But it is essentially a who's-who league of fantasy football and not many chances for that sleeper player you educated yourself on to bring you the title. This will probably be the toughest league I am in.

 

'13 Duba Invitational - 16 Team league with Performance Bonuses

If there were more hours in a day, I could've reviewed this draft party held at Pounders Irish Pub in northeast Philadelphia three weeks ago. Yes that was a long time ago, but getting 16 ingrates friends together can be tough. Pudding thankfully had us over to the bar to produce a boozy setting. However nice the bar is, it is in a part of Philadelphia where there is a red light every 10 feet and across from a draw bridge. Needless to say we were an hour late starting the draft. I had the 10th overall pick and I had played out several scenarios of how to draft my team. I pretty much always had the same team minus a few players hear and their and analysis of mock drafts showed I had the best team 90 percent of the time. But, there was no scale for drafting with idiots so I knew all this practice and experimentation would be for naught. I have add/dropped some players since the draft, but for the most part my entire team is still together:

 

QBs - Andy Dalton, Jay Cutler: I waited and waited on this position and other than Week 1 with these two teams facing each other I think they could be interchangeable productive pieces.

 

RBs - Lamar Miller, Montee Ball, Ronnie Hillman, Ben Tate: I originally had Bernard Pierce and added Hillman, after dropping Knoshon Moreno. I don't know what to do at this point - I like Miller, but the Ball/Hillman fiasco is worrying me. I think Ball is the redzone back, despite each of these guys supposedly going series for series. I also hope that my years of drafting Ben Tate finally pays off as Arian Foster is hurting after the years of abuse and veganism.

 

WRs - Calvin Johnson, Mike Wallace, Lance Moore, Quinton Patton: I originally drafted Vincent Brown, who I was loving pre-season and especially after Donario Alexander went down, but I think San Diego is just too terrible. Calvin Johnson, well, if I didn't get him the next guy would have. He and the next position top pick make me most confident in my team. Lance Moore is a potential lottery ticket this year and Mike Wallace could thrive in his new division while Quinton Patton will probably have a bigger than anticipated role and also returns kicks (which we are awarded points for).

 

TEs - Jimmy Graham, Zach Sudfeld: The options between Graham and the next 20 picks later were not great, so I had to go with him. I have two great offensive weapons guaranteed (barring injuries) to start my team, but you see how the rest played out. Again, hoping Sudfeld grows into the next major piece of offense I need.

 

K - Garrett Hartley: A guy on maybe the best offense in the league who kicks over half his games in a dome? Uh, yeah.

 

DST - Cleveland Browns: They are supposedly much improved this year, but they are maybe more of a streaming defense. I don't even know if they will stay on my team by this coming Sunday.

 

So I ran this team and my league through the draft analyzer. Sho'nuff, guess who was ranked number one again? The man with his face on his shirt, The Great Jim Duba.



The First Day of School

Today is a monumental day in our house. For the past two years, we have kept our son in home school via accredited cyber schooling. We wanted to wait some things out with his behavior and with all that he has been through in his 7 years of life, I couldn't be prouder of hin than today. I'm lucky now to have seen him grow up for over half his life, and to see my influence in him both makes me smile and afraid. He leaves for the bus soon and is excited to meet new friends, ride a bus, learn with other boys and girls, and the cheese steaks on the lunch menu for today. Good luck to you, Rocco. Mommy and I love you. 

Now, this gets me thinking back to my first day at the public school yard. I spent kindergarten through third grade at a private school. I made a friend there, Tim, who I am still friends with today. I keep in touch with two other people, Alex (mostly through Facebook statuses) and Austin (occasional emails and the obligatory "we need to get together sometime"). But in fourth grade the school was too expensive and I had to move on. 

So, the weeks leading up to it, I would hang with my brother, going into eighth grade, and his friends. His friend Bill had a younger brother named Tim who was going to be at Rush Elementary. We tried to be friends. But one day before the last unofficial week of summer, we were playing street hockey with our brothers' friends. We seemed to become good friends at that moment. I remember also talking with old friend Tim that he was leaving the private school to join my school as well. Wonderful! I would already be one step ahead of the friend game!

That all changed when I reared back for a slapshot. I wound up with a ferocity to break my brother's face with a shot. I instead accidentally reared back and smashed new Tim in the mouth. I instantly felt bad. Suddenly I pictured my entire first day to be full of wedgies noogies and pantsing. His teeth were mangled. The game was over. Life as I knew it was over. Also, if you can imagine it, I was smaller than most kids my age as well. 

Then it got worse. The class list came out in the local paper. I can't remember my teacher's name, but I think it was Ms. Hale. Some of you might know her. I looked up Rush Elementary Fourth grade, and new Tim was in my class. Old friend Tim was NOWHERE in the class lists. Suddenly I went from +2 friends to -1 friend/+1 enemy. 

Luckily our brothers conversed and it was relayed to me that new Tim harbored no bad feelings. I went to sleep that night before a little easier. 

I had to go to my neighbor's house before the bus came as my parents and brother would leave early. I meandered down to the bus stop on Stephens Drive I think. Luckily another old friend Chris Katsikis was there. Our brothers were kind of friends and Chris and I used to play with the toys from MASK together. Remember that show? They were a secret military group that would put on these helmets and suddenly their vehicles would transform into some kind of weapon of mass destruction. He also had an in ground pool and that made him seem rich to me as I was of the low class above ground pool stature. Now as an adult I am at community pools. 

So I rode the bus. Bill Mason was on there and he was the cool kid. I don't remember who else got picked up but I remember being silent. We went down the long hill leading into Rush and I was sweating (surprisingly) profusely. I get off the bus and see a line for my teacher. I was first there I reckon. I watched lines form and nobody was recognizable. Old friend Tim was nowhere to be found as I hoped for some reason he was going to be there and his name being excluded was a typo. But then new Tim showed up, stood in the back of my line and I was scared to look back. He saw me and said we were good. That was a relief. 

I was wearing pale green pants, a brown collared shirt and brown loafers. Kids were in shorts and transformer t-shirts. And I was first in line. The only thing I needed was a pocket protector. 

From that point on, I became good friends with Ben Fratto, learned to play the saxophone (very well, might I add, becoming first chair at the Coast Guard Academy until I decided to hang up the mouthpiece), and performed magic tricks for the school talent show, where I believe I finished second or third. 

It was a tumultuous time though going from 10 kids in my class, including Barry Cohen who made it a point every day to fall backwards out of his chair. That was gone. Innocence lost. Now I was getting picked last to play kickball because I had pale green pants on. 

I know a lot of teachers who have been preparing hard for the upcoming year, parents who send off their kids today, and as a coach many kids who will bombard me with first day stories instead of focusing on smashing each other. I'm so happy Rocco will be one of those kids.