Billy Cundiff For President - So the Whole Country Can Hate Him Like I Do

Sigh... Billy Cundiff, you were the most important guy on the field Sunday. Granted, your team could have done more to not put you in that position. Yet, the play was called and you were out there...albeit late. I don't care what the play clock said...you had the ability to call the time out. Instead you ran straight from the field to the football to the locker room. You would have been better off tripping and twisting your ankle. Instead, a healthy you blew your possibly last shot at greatness. Remember when you missed two field goals in Dallas? They replaced you with Shaun "I Suck" Suisham...who would go on to earn the nickname "Sir Sucksalot". Your wikipedia page lists you as having been on 9 teams in 9 seasons. You have been cut more times than I have had surgery. Check that, as many times as I have had surgery. Now, you are a multi-millionaire with the Ravens until 2015, and you just let them down for the foreseeable future.

Anyone who was in my fantasy league this year will remember this rant from Week 7:

Oct 26 6:14am

Week 7 Recap – The Week Duba Developed Pure and Utter Hatred (Part 1 of 2)

Well folks, October 25, 2011, will be a day I remember for a long time…I could not stay awake to see the rest of the Jacksonville – Ravens game. The Jags were up and had shut out the ravens…I was holding a lead on both my fantasy teams (against Billy Cundiff on Rich’s team and against Ray Rice and the Ravens D on a worthless girl’s team). I went to sleep, resigning to the thought that maybe the Ravens could just pull off a field goal or two.

I wake up Tuesday morning, 4 a.m., and my head exploded. The Jaguars won alright, 12 – 7. SEVEN?!?!?!?! What the Hell Jacksonville? Then I read deeper…it was with maybe 2 minutes left in the game? You [expletive deleted]hole Jaguars can’t even win right? Ravens, why not go for two??? What else did you have to lose at that point? Instead, one [expletive deleted]ing point. One loooooowly point. Scored by Billy Cundiff. Changing my lead from a seemingly easy to give up point spread of 0.12 points to an insurmountable 0.88 point lead for Rich.

I am embarrassed. Humiliated. Sure I have made some poor decisions this year fantasy wise, but man Billy Cundiff I hate you. If you saved my girl and son from a burning house, I’d push you back in it. If you gave me your heart for a transplant, I’d stab myself in it. If you were on fire, I’d piss on you just to say I pissed on you. Then, whence you are dry, I will reset you aflame. I wouldn’t even bang your wife as I know you’ve been in there already. I would however take pictures of her on put it on the website www.wivesofdouchebags.com/org.net.

Wow, I sound like a real jerk there. See, I can take losing in fantasy (I have made a good habit of it for the past two years). So, you are, Billy Cundiff, completely inconsistent. Hit the extra point to ruin my season, then miss the field goal of your lifetime. The field goal to set up the rematch of the worst possible Superbowl any fan of the Eagles (a feathered team of the same ilk as yours) will have to tolerate.

At this point, you think I am either insane or you get it. You get how maddening Billy Cundiff is. Did you see Billy push away the camera after the game? That was quite possibly even weaker than his kick. At least make the cameraman fall or stumble. I would say you should be kicking yourself in the ass but you'd probably miss that and kick an old lady instead.

Now, Kyle Williams of the 49ers was the goat of the other game, minus the fact Alex Smith played like Alex Smith. I understand his only job was to catch the ball, but he is not the regular guy. He was not given a multiple year for millions deal to make maybe a measly chip shot field goal in the clutch.

So now what? Ray Lewis hates the fact that he has to play another season now. However, Joe Flacco can be a little relieved that the "Shank" is this game's lasting image, not his mishaps. Ed Reed doe not know who to blame this week.

And so Tom Brady and Sheli Manning now face off in a Superbowl to be highlighted by a contest of ho many gay insults are said vs stupid looks on Eli' stupid non-mustached face. Yes I am bitter. The worst part is, it is going to be a good game. No, check that, the worst thing is no matter what, one of these two teams are winning ANOTHER championship and I have to wait until September to be happy again (football wise).

Have a Billy Cundiff story of your own? Please comment below.

Since I do not know how to end a blog...talk to you all next time.

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BILLY CUNDIFF RANT ADDENDUM (January 25, 2012)

I was in the shower this morning thinking more about Billy Cundiff. Yeah I'm a weirdo.

When you watch highlights of the game this past weekend, you can clearly see the center snapped the ball poorly and the place holder clearly had to struggle to get the ball in the right spot/tilt/position for a sure kick by Cundiff. Still, unforgiveable.

For his career, he is a 76% kicker. He is 100% from 0 to 29 yards out, then 76% from 30 to 39 yards, 70% 40 to 49 yards, and 26% from 50 plus yards out. I think I also read that he leads the league or has the record for most touchbacks (a record that has been recorded since the institution of the NFL swapping out new balls for every special teams play). He also has the dubious distinction of missing an extra point. Even Mark Simoneau (former Eagles linebacker) could kick an extra point.

Now, I have seen a bunch of forums basically calling for the f-ing in the a of Billy Cundiff by one Stabmaster Ray Lewis as well as an all out death penalty. This is stupid. Baltimore, listen up - Billy Cundiff coughed on a hairball in his big moment, but how the Hell did your offense make the Patriots defense look as good as yours? That should be just as much of a concern as a clutch kicker is.

Again, I don't know how to end it, so, better luck next year!