Finally, after a long break from significant football, it is time for the NFL Draft. The time of year when yes even Jaguars fans get pumped up. Every year I like to make poor attempts at a mock draft and humor by figuring out who will go where. I have reviewed some helpful analyst mocks, but that's it. I really know very little else about college football, other than my alma mater Drexel had no team. So without further aduba, let us look at the 2014 NFL Draft's first round:
1. Texans: Jadaveon "The Maldavian" Clowney: Why would you trade #1 overall? If you want to reopen your window of opportunity, Jadaveon Clowney sounds like the kind of guy who can break it open. This guy should translate as well as Ndomukong Suh, but hopefully less stompy. I know they aren't the same position, but Suh was the only other defensive player I remember since I started watching football who was discussed this much.
2. Rams: Sammy "Clammy" Watkins: Remember how I said the Texans want to reopen the window of opportunity? Well, the Rams right now are staying in the hallway looking for that room with the open window. And seriously, when you become an adult, it is time to drop the "y" at the end of your name. I know too many people through my work who are older developers or personnel. Billy. Jimmy. Bobby, I even heard a Davey once. It is time to embrace adulthood, Samwick Watkins. Now, go on having fun becoming a man.
3. Jaguars: Mike "No rollin' sevens" Evans: They need help. Justin Blackmon may not play another snap in a Jaguars uniform, so they need a difference maker who can catch the ball. There will be plenty of good quarterback choices in the second round.
4. Browns: Johnny "Football de Americano" Manziel: I hate calling him Johnny anything. Brandon and I have a bet this year as to where Manziel will go. He bet me that Manziel would be drafted by the Cowboys. I thought no way he would make it halfway through the draft. But, to make it fair, I chose to gamble on the Browns. Maybe if this happens, he will pull an Eli and literally get his panties in a bunch inside his ass.
5. Raiders: "I already know three people named" Greg Robinson: Okay, boring player name. Pretty much most of these players have dull names. I'm not even all that impressed with Jadaveon, Ra'Shede, or Darqueze. Odell Beckham Junior is interesting because there is another one who is older and still thought this was a good name. Oh, so yeah Greg Robinson, who doubles as my company's AutoCADD guy, could help block for all 10 new running backs the Raiders have this year on the roster.
6. Falcons: Jake "The Snake" "Corey" Mathews: Don't they have a pretty shitty run game? Sure, they get run on, but they need to have an offense that allows them to run the ball and keep that atrocious defense off the field.
7. Buccaneers: Khalil "The Daddy" Mack "'ll Make You Jump Jump": Why not sure up the middle of the defense for years now that you dumped Darrel Revis?
8. Vikings: Blake "Beverly" Bortles: Remember the Beverly Brothers in the old WWF? They were some blonde dudes who claimed to be rich brothers. Blake and Beau Beverly had a move called the Shaker Heights Spike. They basically tossed a wrestler in the air while the other grabbed his face and spiked it into the mat. Fitting considering the face plants the Vikings have had at quarterback over the years.
9. Bills: Marqise "I before E except after C, U after Q unless you're Marqise" Lee: Name me a receiver on the Bills. Go ahead. They do already have a player named Marquise I think.
10. Lions: Taylor Lewan"aman": A "finesse left tackle" for a team that accentuates finesse on offense. Sunshine and Rainbows for the Lions.
11. Titans: Aaron "I'm looking for a lot of playing time since our offense won't be" Donald: I love people with two first names. Ol' Donny boy could help shore up a defense that my fantasy football opponent's running backs always played against.
12. Giants: C.J. Mosley "Looking forward to just playing football": The Giants, though I hate them, need a leader on defense. He could be that. But hopefully not.
13. Rams: "Bustin" Justin Gilbert: Sounds like a fat Garbage Pail Kids card. Another two namer. The Rams need another cornerback with the release of the controversial Cortland Finnegan and a normal name in that secondary to complement Janoris Jenkins.
14. Bears: Stephon "Urkel" Tuitt: Pronounced "Stef-onn" "Ur-kell", the team with one of the worst defenses last year needs to improve at the start with their line. The Bears were in playoff contention, so the offense needs little help.
15. Steelers: Anthony "I failed the" Barr "Exam and now want to play football": I like players who take all four years of college to get their education and hone their skills before entering the big show. Welcome another communications major to the Steelers!
16. Cowboys: Calvin "I wish I was chosen by the team" Pryor: A guy many Eagles fans have mentined, but the Cowboys were near historically bad on defense last year. He is listed on NFL.com as the most violent hitter in the draft. Eagles fans want that, but they will be happy to blow past him on the path to many touchdowns this season.
17. Ravens: Zack "I spell my name the right way" Martin: The Ravens had shit for running last year, and a wife-beater at the helm. Yeah, Ray Rice struck a woman. We all only saw the aftermath of him dragging her body like a Law and Order: SVU villain. The blindside for the Ravens has not outlived the movie of its namesake so they need to improve.
18. Jets: Darqueze "It's a family name" Dennard: The Jets need somebody to fill the void of Antonio Cromartie and to make themselves looks smart for not resigning Revis. The offense will be built in the second round.
19. Dolphins: Carlos "I can't" Hyde: No, you can't hide from the major dysfunction of the Miami Dolphins. This team desperately needs a spark to make Snowflake not want to leave on his own rather than being kidnapped by Ray Finkle.
20. Cardinals: Derek "Don't judge me by my brother David" Carr: This guy is a rage of positivity. Carson Palmer is good for the Cardinals and all, but let's face it, Bruce Arians wants to build a team in his image. Short, stubby, and a hat only Prince could be fond of.
21. Packers: Eric "I'm glad I became a talked-about football player and not a nerd so that people didn't call me Egon" Ebron: Jermichael Finley probably shouldn't play again after he initially thought he couldn't two times last season. Get the best tight end you can at this point.
22. Eagles: "Oh Well" Odell Beckham Junior: This guy is the recent flavor of the week at wide receiver, and Eagles fans are buying it. I wrote "Oh Well" because people want defense, but that won't be the case.
23. Chiefs: Ryan Shazier "Than the Shaziest guy you know": Andy Reid drafting a linebacker??? That defense will be mute since their offensive line lost a lot of players, but maybe Dallas Reynolds is already on that team and can protect. Either way, their defense will need to stay stronger in all three phases to have a chance to repeat last year.
24. Bengals: Bradley "I can finally live in a house that isn't made of adobe" Roby: Thankfully most of the players this year have easy to rhyme names. Except Darqueze. The Bengals cannot afford to coast all year into the playoffs at the three seed and be ousted by a last day entrant again.
25. Chargers: Ha Ha "As said by Nelson in the Simpsons" Clinton Dix: The Chargers can be passed on, and that's why they aren't ever really taken seriously in the middle of the season. What is this guy's first name? His name is more like a scandal from the Bill Clinton administration.
26. Browns: Kelvin "Ben Jammin'" Benjamin: This guy will complement Josh "One more wrong move and I'm hanging with Justin Blackmon" Gordon. Gordon, despite several different quarterbacks, was second in receiving, and only because he missed the first two games. This could help the running game as well.
27. Saints: Kyle "My Glass is" Fuller "Than Yours": The Saints' secondary needs to get younger after releasing veterans and to complement a just-hitting his prime Jairus Byrd and the young Kenny Vaccaro.
28. Panthers: Brandin "Kiss the" Cooks: He should automatically become the number one receiver as he beats out Tiqwan Underwood and Jason Avant and Cam Newton's Sister for that spot.
29. Patriots: Demarcus "Translates to Of the Marcus" Lawrence: The Patriots need to have Peyton Manning stop passing on them when the season is on the line. So go for it.
30. 49ers: Ra"postrophe"Shede Hageman: Never have I inserted a nickname mid name before. But I also started this after the D'Brickashaw Ferguson draft. I feel the 49ers will fall apart this year, so they need to reestablish a defensive identity.
31. Broncos: Xavier "Punctuation marks" Su'a-filo: NFL.com has his name all capitalized, so I don't know where certain words begin or end. Other variations of his nickname would've included Su'a-filo "Walks into a bar...". That's all I got. I am rushing through this now as I have to pee and work is about to start.
32. Seahawks: Donte "Cristo" Nocrief: Why not? Put as many odd weapons out on the field for Russel Wilson to run all around and find open deep.
That does it. I have to pee. Enjoy the draft and follow my twitter stream @thegreatjimduba for my thoughts as the draft proceeds.
3. Jaguars: Mike "No rollin' sevens" Evans: They need help. Justin Blackmon may not play another snap in a Jaguars uniform, so they need a difference maker who can catch the ball. There will be plenty of good quarterback choices in the second round.
4. Browns: Johnny "Football de Americano" Manziel: I hate calling him Johnny anything. Brandon and I have a bet this year as to where Manziel will go. He bet me that Manziel would be drafted by the Cowboys. I thought no way he would make it halfway through the draft. But, to make it fair, I chose to gamble on the Browns. Maybe if this happens, he will pull an Eli and literally get his panties in a bunch inside his ass.
5. Raiders: "I already know three people named" Greg Robinson: Okay, boring player name. Pretty much most of these players have dull names. I'm not even all that impressed with Jadaveon, Ra'Shede, or Darqueze. Odell Beckham Junior is interesting because there is another one who is older and still thought this was a good name. Oh, so yeah Greg Robinson, who doubles as my company's AutoCADD guy, could help block for all 10 new running backs the Raiders have this year on the roster.
6. Falcons: Jake "The Snake" "Corey" Mathews: Don't they have a pretty shitty run game? Sure, they get run on, but they need to have an offense that allows them to run the ball and keep that atrocious defense off the field.
7. Buccaneers: Khalil "The Daddy" Mack "'ll Make You Jump Jump": Why not sure up the middle of the defense for years now that you dumped Darrel Revis?
8. Vikings: Blake "Beverly" Bortles: Remember the Beverly Brothers in the old WWF? They were some blonde dudes who claimed to be rich brothers. Blake and Beau Beverly had a move called the Shaker Heights Spike. They basically tossed a wrestler in the air while the other grabbed his face and spiked it into the mat. Fitting considering the face plants the Vikings have had at quarterback over the years.
9. Bills: Marqise "I before E except after C, U after Q unless you're Marqise" Lee: Name me a receiver on the Bills. Go ahead. They do already have a player named Marquise I think.
10. Lions: Taylor Lewan"aman": A "finesse left tackle" for a team that accentuates finesse on offense. Sunshine and Rainbows for the Lions.
11. Titans: Aaron "I'm looking for a lot of playing time since our offense won't be" Donald: I love people with two first names. Ol' Donny boy could help shore up a defense that my fantasy football opponent's running backs always played against.
12. Giants: C.J. Mosley "Looking forward to just playing football": The Giants, though I hate them, need a leader on defense. He could be that. But hopefully not.
13. Rams: "Bustin" Justin Gilbert: Sounds like a fat Garbage Pail Kids card. Another two namer. The Rams need another cornerback with the release of the controversial Cortland Finnegan and a normal name in that secondary to complement Janoris Jenkins.
14. Bears: Stephon "Urkel" Tuitt: Pronounced "Stef-onn" "Ur-kell", the team with one of the worst defenses last year needs to improve at the start with their line. The Bears were in playoff contention, so the offense needs little help.
15. Steelers: Anthony "I failed the" Barr "Exam and now want to play football": I like players who take all four years of college to get their education and hone their skills before entering the big show. Welcome another communications major to the Steelers!
16. Cowboys: Calvin "I wish I was chosen by the team" Pryor: A guy many Eagles fans have mentined, but the Cowboys were near historically bad on defense last year. He is listed on NFL.com as the most violent hitter in the draft. Eagles fans want that, but they will be happy to blow past him on the path to many touchdowns this season.
17. Ravens: Zack "I spell my name the right way" Martin: The Ravens had shit for running last year, and a wife-beater at the helm. Yeah, Ray Rice struck a woman. We all only saw the aftermath of him dragging her body like a Law and Order: SVU villain. The blindside for the Ravens has not outlived the movie of its namesake so they need to improve.
18. Jets: Darqueze "It's a family name" Dennard: The Jets need somebody to fill the void of Antonio Cromartie and to make themselves looks smart for not resigning Revis. The offense will be built in the second round.
19. Dolphins: Carlos "I can't" Hyde: No, you can't hide from the major dysfunction of the Miami Dolphins. This team desperately needs a spark to make Snowflake not want to leave on his own rather than being kidnapped by Ray Finkle.
20. Cardinals: Derek "Don't judge me by my brother David" Carr: This guy is a rage of positivity. Carson Palmer is good for the Cardinals and all, but let's face it, Bruce Arians wants to build a team in his image. Short, stubby, and a hat only Prince could be fond of.
21. Packers: Eric "I'm glad I became a talked-about football player and not a nerd so that people didn't call me Egon" Ebron: Jermichael Finley probably shouldn't play again after he initially thought he couldn't two times last season. Get the best tight end you can at this point.
22. Eagles: "Oh Well" Odell Beckham Junior: This guy is the recent flavor of the week at wide receiver, and Eagles fans are buying it. I wrote "Oh Well" because people want defense, but that won't be the case.
23. Chiefs: Ryan Shazier "Than the Shaziest guy you know": Andy Reid drafting a linebacker??? That defense will be mute since their offensive line lost a lot of players, but maybe Dallas Reynolds is already on that team and can protect. Either way, their defense will need to stay stronger in all three phases to have a chance to repeat last year.
24. Bengals: Bradley "I can finally live in a house that isn't made of adobe" Roby: Thankfully most of the players this year have easy to rhyme names. Except Darqueze. The Bengals cannot afford to coast all year into the playoffs at the three seed and be ousted by a last day entrant again.
25. Chargers: Ha Ha "As said by Nelson in the Simpsons" Clinton Dix: The Chargers can be passed on, and that's why they aren't ever really taken seriously in the middle of the season. What is this guy's first name? His name is more like a scandal from the Bill Clinton administration.
26. Browns: Kelvin "Ben Jammin'" Benjamin: This guy will complement Josh "One more wrong move and I'm hanging with Justin Blackmon" Gordon. Gordon, despite several different quarterbacks, was second in receiving, and only because he missed the first two games. This could help the running game as well.
27. Saints: Kyle "My Glass is" Fuller "Than Yours": The Saints' secondary needs to get younger after releasing veterans and to complement a just-hitting his prime Jairus Byrd and the young Kenny Vaccaro.
28. Panthers: Brandin "Kiss the" Cooks: He should automatically become the number one receiver as he beats out Tiqwan Underwood and Jason Avant and Cam Newton's Sister for that spot.
29. Patriots: Demarcus "Translates to Of the Marcus" Lawrence: The Patriots need to have Peyton Manning stop passing on them when the season is on the line. So go for it.
30. 49ers: Ra"postrophe"Shede Hageman: Never have I inserted a nickname mid name before. But I also started this after the D'Brickashaw Ferguson draft. I feel the 49ers will fall apart this year, so they need to reestablish a defensive identity.
31. Broncos: Xavier "Punctuation marks" Su'a-filo: NFL.com has his name all capitalized, so I don't know where certain words begin or end. Other variations of his nickname would've included Su'a-filo "Walks into a bar...". That's all I got. I am rushing through this now as I have to pee and work is about to start.
32. Seahawks: Donte "Cristo" Nocrief: Why not? Put as many odd weapons out on the field for Russel Wilson to run all around and find open deep.
That does it. I have to pee. Enjoy the draft and follow my twitter stream @thegreatjimduba for my thoughts as the draft proceeds.
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