2013 Duba Mock Draft Version 1.Only

Ah. After the frenzy of Free Agency has run its course and the NFL schedule has been completed/sent to the masses, it is time to prepare for the 2013 NFL Draft. I started out okay during last year's prediction fest, so perhaps I will fair better. The key would be if I could maintain interest past pick number 4. This year, the Vikings, Jets, and Rams have two first round picks, and I am sure only 1 of those three teams will get it right. At long last, here we go...

1. CHIEFS: Luke "The Jackal" Joeckel

Andy Reid loves linemen. It's true. On his exit from Lincoln Financial Field I saw a bumper sticker that read "I heart linemen." It's true. The only problem for Andy Reid is there are too many sure fire linemen to choose from and not giving him a chance to screw up the first round.

2. JAGUARS: Eric "It Smells Like" Fisher

Let's face it. Maurice Jones Drew is losing a step or two but is still the team's focal point for the Jaguars. Blaine "The Stain" Gabbert is not worthy of starting at quarterback, but if he must than he should be protected. Perhaps it could help him immeasurably throw the football better. The Jaguars better hope so. Their defensive line was not so bad last year if you believe the analysts, so the defensive options are off the table. If the Chiefs go  Fisher, the Jaguars go Joeckel, thus ruining my predatory cat joke.

3. RAIDERS: Sharriff "Don't Like It" Floyd

Oakland hasn't been relevant since Al Davis died. They will take their chances on offense with annually injured players and unproven youngsters. Amazing how the guy who lost his mind sculpting a team in a weird image could not even put a solid future in place for his renowned franchise. I think K-Hovnanian should purchase the Raiders and develop them. That's some good home developer inside joke right there.

4. EAGLES: Star "Do the Wa"-Lotulelei

I know nothing of this guy other than hearing that he is big and nasty and could fit perfectly in a 3-4 defense while also anchoring a hybrid defensive scheme. You thought I was going to go with a "Starlite Starbright", "You could be my lucky Star," or "Wars" nickname, didn't you? FOOLS! He is medically cleared after his weird heart condition. I hope he can pan out to what we expect from the number 4 pick for the Eagles.

5. LIONS: "Since We Can't Draft a Brick Wall, Let's Pick" Lane Johnson

Let's face it. If the Lions want any chance to win, they need Matt Stafford and his hanging-on-by-a-thread shoulder to constantly get the ball to Calvin Johnson. Why not draft a defensive player? Well, I don't even know if the lions have a defensive coordinator. Also, Reggie Bush could certainly use somebody to help block for him playing against the tougher NFC North opponents.

6. BROWNS: Dee "Thomas" Milliner

What???? You don't remember the show "What's Happenin'?"? Punctuation question marks!!! I Milliner could help put Sheldon Brown into early retirement before the start of his 34th NFL season if he plays at a 6th overall pick level. If he is a shadow of Joe Hayden, the Browns can concentrate more on actually stopping the run instead of talking about it.

7. CARDINALS: Chance "That We Get It Right" Warmack

Didn't LaRod Stephens-Howling Run for -1 yard once last year? Carson Palmer is the kind of guy who needs some time to make a good throw, so hopefully putting somebody other than 5 empty jerseys on the offensive line could help make the Cardinals offense and Larry Fitzgerald potent again.

8. BILLS: Ryan Nassib"eemapetilon"

Apu from the Simpsons reference if you didn't get it. If you didn't get it, stop reading...

I gave you enough space to scroll through and stop reading if you didn't give my directive serious enough consideration. So, I go with the common logic that the former Syracuse coach picks his former successful quarterback as well, adding speed and heart to the quarterback position to match the speed and heart of CJ Spiller. For months Geno Smith was predicted to go first. I don't think the Bills would pick Geno Smith before Nassib. If they did, they would be the Buffalo Dicks. And they aren't dicks, not since they were last coached by Dick Jauron, anyways.

9. JETS: Barkevious "Banana fana forkevious Fee Fi mo markevious Me My Markevious, BARKEVIOUS" Mingo

It's a damn shame for the jets they could not have 53 picks in this year's draft. CBS has a weird stat on all the players, and Barkevious Mingo's hand length is 9 and 5/8 inches. He will join other oddly named players including JoJo Dickson, Vidal Hazelton, Bilal Powell, Demario Davis, and your favorite and mine, D'Brickashaw Ferguson. He could be a good key to the future of the Jets defense


10. TITANS: Ezekiel "Chubby White Guy" Ansah

Name me one player on the Titans Defense.



11. CHARGERS: Jonathan "I Hate People Who Spell it Johnathon" Cooper

Give them a good offensive lineman, and perhaps pundits will drop the excuses for Philip Rivers. The team has a bad run game at best, and anytime somebody tries to go through the line of scrimmage they end up with broken collarbones. FACT.  Protection? What's protection?

12. DOLPHINS: Xavier "The Savior" Rhodes

And now I am officially out of the players I have been hearing constantly about on the radio. The Eagles have the fourth pick, so it is very unusual to hear anything beyond the top 10 prospects on a regular basis. I would think they want offensive line help, but I suspect a trade to be made with Kansas City for Brandon Albert as is rumored. They gave away Vontae Davis last year, so might as well replace him with a later letter in the alphabet.


13. JETS: Tavon "My Career is Over Before it Started" Austin

For all the hype this guy has received, he is truly f-ed in the A. Didn't Santonio Holmes win a Super Bowl MVP? And then was labeled a detrimental factor in the team locker room? Maybe Tavon can pull off some of the more flashier moves to avoid a repeat of the infamous butt fumble produced by Mark Sanchez. However, maybe with Marty "The only time I don't pass is on the buffet line" Morhinweg as the offensive coordinator, perhaps he could be a Percy Harvinish center piece for the offense. Too bad the Jets have a 4 year rebuilding project.


14. PANTHERS: "What The" Sheldon Richardson

As an Eagles fan, I recall the breakout game for Bryce Brown. Against the Panthers. As a fantasy football player I am also aware of every other running back kicking the Panthers in the balls and producing serious running stats. The dude is huge and strong and if running plays develop still against the panthers, it won't be on his side.


15. SAINTS: Jarvis "I cannot wait to get paid to hit people!...Oh, wait, what? NOOOooooo" Jones

Man, what happened to the Saints last year was a real travesty. It was a shame what happened to them. The coaches violated rules, so I agree with their being repercussions, but they had no defensive identify. Jarvis was hot on my radar early in the scouting and he could be quite a physical specimen if used correctly. No doubt the Saints want to reestablish that kind of dominance, and no doubt it starts at 15th overall.


16. RAMS: Kenny "Can't Wait to be Excited for Half a Season" Vaccaro

The Rams took some positive steps in the defensive direction last year with that guy they drafted who had touchdowns in like 2 games in a row. Janoris "He Don't Bore Us" Jenkins was his name. With Cortland Finnegan and a first round safety, this trio could help improve their already improving improvements on pass defense, which has improved.


17. STEELERS: "Mary" Tyler Eiffert

With Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaath Miller sidelined (Steeler fans are annoying), the Steelers need a better option on Tight End for the near and distant future. I think a younger set of legs at this position will be extremely beneficial for Pittsburgh and Big Ben can do what he has done best - Get away with rape.


18. COWBOYS: Sylvester "Thufferin Thucotash" Williams

I have heard several interviews with this guy. If he was blind or homeless, he could be in the sequel to "The Blind Side." He sounds pretty awesome and I would hate the fact that he would play against the Eagles twice a year. He sounds like a potential strong leader that can keep the defense together and a solid anchor for their defensive line. I suspect this will dramatically improve the Cowboys defense, as long as Tony Romo doesn't get the offense off the field  as quick as he usually does.


19. GIANTS: "Baby I was" Bjoern "This Way" Werner

They love weird names, right? Jason Pierre-Paul. Osi Umenyora, Prince Amukamora, Eli Manning. The gang's all here! Odds are he will not be able to do a backflip like the Giants' number one pick last year, David "Tennis Ball" Wilson. The Giants always draft for need/best available, not panic, and they need Werner.


20. BEARS: Arthur "I Can't Wait to Watch Adrian Peterson Run Past Me" Brown

While Brian Urlacher gets to ride off into the sunset in Jenny McCarthy, the Bears need to add a top pick to fill the Chicago Favorite's spot. I couldn't tell you who Arthur Brown was out of a lineup of any kind, so here is a picture of Arthur Brown:

21. BENGALS: Eddie "Don't Forget to Tie Your Shoe" Lacey

Let's face it, Benjarvus Green-Ellis & Strausburg is not the long term answer for the Bengals. They have a budding defense and need some stronger steps in terms of running with the football. Expect Lacey to split the work with Benjarvus Green-Ellis, Hornig, Chapman, and Needenburg by the middle of the season.


22. RAMS:  Cordarrelle "Hey What's That Smell?" Patterson

Why the hell not? Add defense first, then find your offensive weapon later. It is just truly a shame that a Jeff Fisher team has been rebuilding every year.


23. VIKINGS: Desmond "Out of the Pond" Trufant

They boasted a pretty good defense, and can certainly add depth/new starter to replace Antoine Winfield. We all know the offense runs through Adrian Peterson and Greg Jennings provides additional support, as long as he is able to run around everywhere to get back to a Christian Ponder pass. Perhaps they get maximum value out of this.


24. COLTS: Brian "Hanky" Schwenke

At the center position, he will always have Luck between his legs.


25. VIKINGS: Manti "Man Crush" Te'o

The Heisman Trophy runner up playing at least 10 games per year in a dome? I think so. If the Yukon Providences of Canada had an NFL team, he would probably want to play up there, too. Go as far north as you can, Minnesota media can't be that bad.


26. PACKERS: Eric "I Got Threw Colledge Without Lerning How 2" Reid

The Pack needs a safety after booting their already too old safety Charles Woodson. A good safety and an impactful safety can make all the difference for a defense. The offense is stocked, but I was thinking of a lineman here to possible be a pillow for Aaron Rogers to fall on. I will go with the "one door opens, another one shuts" approach. What's that? That didn't make sense? Okay...did you also really think that was Arthur Brown? Well, it WAS Arthur Brown. Just an irrelevant musician.


27. TEXANS: DeAndre "Can't Wait to Play With Andre" Hopkins

Andre will tell you himself - he needs support. Andre and DeAndre could be a perfect tandem. In Spanish, DeAndre would mean, "Of the Andre." DeAndre will learn from Andre Johnson, thus making him a student of Andre. "Estudianto de Andre." See what I did there?


28. BRONCOS: Damontre Moore "Excited Than Dikembo Matumbo Blocking A Shot"

With the fax snafu ending the Elvis Dumervil tenure in Denver, John Elway and John Fox must patch up a defense that let one of their own players slip through the cracks much like the way Jacoby Jones slipped through the cracks in the Brocno's last game. Long sentence.


29. PATRIOTS: Margus "Call Me Mike" Hunt

They already have Aqib "No U after Q, Yo" Talib, and I suspect the Patriots will do more to bolster their secondary with later picks as well as get some new offensive toys. Somebody has to help Vince Wilfork "You Up" on the line to perhaps make the secondary better already.


30. FALCONS: D.J. "Tanner" Hayden

Abbreviations are awesome. T.Y. Hilton. L.J. Smith. C.J. Spiller. E.L. Cummings. M. Knight Shamalayan. One thing the Falcons do have taken care of - offense - could only really use a future a tight end...because every year they get their asses torn up in the playoffs!!! Oh boy I liked that. I hate the Falcons. DJ Tanner will go on to learn about how not to tackle from Asante Samuel.


31. 49ERS: Jonathan "Indifferent to Those Who Spell It Johnathon" Cyprien

Dashon Goldson out, Cyprien in. I hope Cyprien isn't gay. That Culliver fellow will be the first ever cornerback who plays facing the safety.


32. RAVENS: Kevin "I Just Googled 'When is the appropriate time in my NFL career to stop someone'" Minter "Fell"

Bonus nickname in there for you Game of Thrones fans. Hope that gave you a Throner. Anywho, Saint Ray left the Ravens to campaign for the new popeship, but he wasn't even on the ballot. The Ravens need to build their stripped down defense back up with a youth movement, and it starts in the middle of the field, like it did 17 years ago.


So, there you have it! Minimal research, and effort spread out over 3 days has lead you to today. Tomorrow begins the unexpected, so may your team do well, unless you are a fan of the Giants, Cowboys, Redskins, Broncos, Lions, Cardinals, Bears, Vikings, Chargers, Chiefs, Raiders, Buccanneers, Packers.

2013 - The Weird Year

Well folks, it has been WAY too long since I have last written. One month to the day, to be exact. Last entry was a review of the successful Fagan-Bachoven wedding. Successful in that both participants showed up and, as sources tell me, continue to be happily married.

There have been several events that came along this year that I never could have prepared myself for. Ever. Let me list off, month by month, the happenings in my life.

JANUARY

It was a pretty football-centric month. Unfortunately, the Eagles did not even come close to knowing anybody who made the playoffs, and their coaching staff was dumped. I think only Deuce Staley made it through the sieve as he is just too huge to pass through anything right now. I predicted maybe 50 percent of the NFL playoffs correctly, and found myself rooting for the Seahawks. My times have changed. As the playoffs progressed, I actually finally predicted the correct Super Bowl matchup as well as correctly picked the eventual winner!

The Eagles hired Chip Kelly and I shared with you the picture of him and Chris Farley side by side. Chip was one of the final coaches hired during a spree in which the NFL declared the fact that no new minority coaches were hired was a travesty unto the league. For real? Seriously, who cares. I don't believe somebody should be discriminated for their race, religion, sexuality, animal preference, or liking the show Glee...but I do believe that only qualified candidates should get the appropriate jobs. You can't even hint at racism in the NFL when the majority of players are actually from a minority!

Speaking of race, religion, and sexuality, Manti T'eo was revealed as having been duped by a man with a woman's voice who and nearly ruined his professional prospects. In my favorite post title of the year, Manti Te'Oh Noooooooooooo!, I backed up Manti as perhaps just being a big ol' goof who didn't know any better.

Once the Super Bowl was set, I relived several classic "Brother vs. Brother" stories throughout the history of mankind as well as describing who I was rooting for individually in the Super Bowl. I very much anticipated the big game, which took us into...

FEBRUARY

February started off with a bang. Literally only the first couple days. I turned 33 on Saturday February 2. On February 3, I saw a great Super Bowl that I accurately predicted as well as damn near got the score right as well. I reviewed the game, and all was splendid the following Monday. I wrote my review, and had a lot of fun doing it.

Later that night, everything in the world for me changed. I received the phone call from Brandon that I'm sure he never wanted to make. I received the news I never wanted to hear. I received the news I have not yet fully recovered from. A very dear friend - NO...my brother, a source of my inspiration and strength, a hallmark of what I have loved about my life, a go to guy who could make anybody's world better by just showing up - passed away. I do not and will not get into these details. That is for my other forum. Needless to say, the gamut of emotions that still run through me today are hard to sort out. I work on it everyday.

I miss you, my friend.

After the start of my new forum and paying my respects, I was back to work. Normalcy was hard to achieve, but the best thing to do was to stay busy. I put myself back to work at the farthest job site I had where I gave you all a couple snippets about the innovative remediation of groundwater I have been working on/developing. It was a grueling day of work, but the results should be tangible in a quick amount of time. I also exposed each and every one of you to some of the lesser known Duba's of the world. In this month, I wrote a synopsis on the Duba Plains of Africa. An animal hunting/observation/possible-death-by-lion resort, you can swat away mosquitoes the size of bats for the price of a month's salary. Don't bring your kids though because they will be considered food.

After poking Russia in the side at the expense of my second ever HTML based blog post, I did something I never did before. I predicted the Best Picture winner for the Academy Awards. I don't know who actually won, but I really liked the fact I got to use a picture of Kano from Mortal Kombat.

I loved using Kano. He had that great cannonball roll move.

MARCH

A little thing I like to call "FAT Tuesday" - Free Agent Tuesday - occurred. That's when all NFL teams open up the checkbook to sign new toys before the football season begins. Not sure exactly what I predicted, but that is for me to revisit next March. I look forward to that. I know I did a little bit better with the players I chose to highlight this year.

The Church elected a new pope. Pope Herbert of Quahog, MA. Not quite. It was some dude from South America. I got to find a picture of Poprah Winfrey as well as try my hand at pope name humor.

A couple days after that post it was time to party with the Bachovens. Bach's brother Dach got married to the beautiful Jen Fagan and put on a party I will always remember. Kim and I had a blast. It was great to be with old friends in a more jovial and celebratory setting than the darkness of February. It still felt weird to me, to be out and partying around. I allowed myself to let go, and life took it from there.

Then, the undocumented-by-Duba month began...

A coworker of mine since I started at my company resigned, and I got his position. That included an office all to myself and exclusivity of work pertaining to project management. I had always had my share of project management experience, but I was still also the utility player. I stepped into my office the day after he resigned and moved everything. Set up all my folders, computer stuff, and pictures. I came in that Monday, ready to kick some environmental ass. I did. I had to play catch up and relieve myself from previous work I was doing for other people. However, one of the first things I had to finish was reviewing files available up at the NJDEP office in Trenton. It took two days, and by the end of that second day, a Tuesday, shit hit the fan.

Seven executives as well as the company that employs me, were indicted on charges stemming from election law violations. They were (and still are) severe charges. It was shocking. At the time, nobody knew how to take it, other than it was bad news. What we later learned in an online news story was that the State had also won a court order to seize all cash and assets of my company. The State and my company tried desperately to salvage our paychecks, but nothing could be hashed out. Pay checks were put on hold and the future quickly became uncertain. The company filed for bankruptcy, and the State fought tooth and nail to prevent it. That fight went on for two weeks. The low point was when the company furloughed all 300+ employees. People went on unemployment. Others just stayed home and began planning their next moves. I, like a few others, came back in to work. Whether I was employed or not, I still had clients who depended on my services. It wasn't easy, and the distraction of the latest newspaper article was always there.

Now the company and the State have come to terms to allow us to operate as usual. The damage has been done, though. If you want all the details and specifics, you can just look up the few hints I dropped in the previous paragraph. It was a very, very difficult time. It still is as everything from seems to be pretty dynamic (i.e., constantly changing). To have to deal with bad news after bad news and do your job while everybody around you wants to chit chat can be exhausting. Also working not knowing if you will get paid is difficult. That takes us up to today. Four days after we were no longer furloughed, and now I am awaiting feedback on some things I just submitted.

What does my future hold? I shan't tell you here. I am The Great Jim Duba, not The Unwise Jim Duba.

I will have future updates soon. But I finally caught a break, so here is your treat.

COMING UP...

The NFL schedule was released for the 2013 season last night. I will attempt to do something I never have before - Predict every single game, the entire season, including through the playoffs and eventual Super Bowl winner. It will be like a March Madness bracket, only successful. I also will be predicting the NFL draft on April 25. Perhaps I should predict the season after the draft. It may take me that long to write, anyways. I also have come to learn that my involvement with Rocco's Cub Scout meetings have turned into an AT&T commercial. You know, the one where the adult sits around a bunch of kids and has hilarious conversation. I love those. The werewolf one is my favorite. I look forward to taking my boy camping on the beach next month as well as hopefully my vacation review.

Stay tuned! It's all uphill from here!!

Wedding Review: Fagan-Bachoven

It's pronounced, "Bac-HOOOOOOOOOO-ven" (while raising your eyebrows whilst bringing a challis of the finest seminary wine to your lips, pinky in the air). And on this past Saturday, two new members were added to the Bachoven clan - Jen and her son Alex.

To understand the day, let us first look at the way the day started. Snow. Ice rain. Snow again. Laundry. In the snow. That's how my day started. Due to the time of the wedding, we had to miss Rocco's Cub Scouts Blue and Gold banquet. Kim and I got ready, left a little late, and pulled up to the hotel while the shuttle departing Trevose was loading up to head to northeast Philadelphia. I asked the bus driver if she could spare 10 minutes for us to check in, and she obliged. We were the last ones in, but we still arrived in plenty of time.

The shuttle got us down in the area, and then suddenly turned into a parking lot with Walgreens and a liquor store. First thought - somebody wants to buy liquor and family planning gear. I didn't see the hidden gem of a building sitting behind this shopping center. It was like we pulled up to an urban gardening building. We got out and entered the lobby of the place. The coat check man, who looked absolutely THRILLED to be there, took my coat and we waited for all the late people to make it in. Luckily for the couple, everything that was planned was to be indoors. There were little wooden shamrocks to put a personal message on. Kim has much better hand writing than me, so she asked what I wanted to put on it. I said, "Have fun storming the castle." She would not put that down, as she didn't know what I meant. So then I suggested, "Go on have fun becoming a man." (That more unfamiliar line was from The Waterboy). She called me an idiot and put something like "Best Wishes." I guess that should do.

The table arrangements were labeled on small metal bells, and our table had the name of some form of Irish liquor. Except for the table marked as "Team Fat Kid." Surprisingly, some of the thickest guests were not at Team Fat Kid. They were more like a Team Chunky table. Anywho, my table was "Tellamore Irish Whiskey." We were one of the last ones to enter the ballroom and Kim, Pudding, Mrs. Pudding, and I sat in the back row. Then these two colossuses (Nick and Thea) sat in the only two available seats right in front of me. Nick slouched down, but it was too little, too late.

Jen and Dach are a match made in heaven. They look great together and their love is natural. Enough of the gushy stuff.

So, if I showed you earlier how to pronounce his name, why did I just call him Dach? Several years ago, we had just became friends of his younger brother, Matt. Matt went by the name "Bach." He never mentioned his family much. When we went to his house one night for a "my parents our out of town" spectacular, Brandon and I came across a picture of Bach and what appeared to be Bach's stunt double. Either Brandon or I said, "What the fuck is this? Bach and Dach?" Then the name was born. Fast forward a few more years, and I went out one night away from my ex-wife on the trail to reclaiming my life back. I met Ed from Philly and some others at a bar called the 45th Street Pub. I sat next to Bach, and I thought he looked great (for Bach). I complimented him on looking like he had lost some weight. He then turned to me and said, and I quote, "That's because I am his older more handsome brother - Dach."

A toddler pulled baby in a wagon and Alex led his mother down the aisle to join Jason (aka, Dach) as one big family.

Our table was in the back corner of the ballroom, right next to the cocktail hour hor dourves. Every time I got up, the biscuit wrapped weenie guy would pass by my table and I always missed him. The bar was huge and I was drinking Jack and Cokes with a Budweiser chaser. No Designated Duba that night!

I sang "Stuck in the Middle with You" and later danced to the song "Thunderstruck." I showed off the Carlton, Shovel, Lawnmower, Shopping Cart, and Chipmunk.

The party resumed back at the Radisson bar, whence I proceeded to drink Red Bull and Vodka for the first time and ate a bunch of french fries.

That's the nutshell, now time for the GRADES!

CEREMONY
Dach and Jen did it right. The bridal party was small, but the participants were huge. Bach was Dach's best man, and they stood side by side, one brother happy for the other while the other was happy to have him there. They looked sharp in their green-vested tuxedos. I do not know what color sock that Bach and Dach may have rocked, but I do know that the ceremony was chock of laughs, love, and light on shock. Like I said they found a baby outside and he sat in a wagon, sipping from a bottle, while other children walked ahead of him. It was cute. The ceremony had the minister ask if there were any objections, and if there was anybody who objected they need to shut up. When Jen first approached the doorway, we got the first glimpses of her. Her hair looked fantastic and her dress was perfect. Kim turned to me and noted how extremely busty she was. Me being of 1-inch lower than average height suddenly realized I could not give her a congratulatory hug without ending my relationship with my Kim.

Grade: A (for time, flow, giants, beauty, and green)

COCKTAIL HOUR
Hehehehe. I said "cock." There was a smorgasbord of items up on the appetizer table including pepperoni, cheeses, crabcakes, some kind of barbeque meatball, tacquitos, spring rolls, and wings. I think there was fruit there, and I sprinkled some carrots on my plate. It was all delicious. There was also a weenie man walking around with pigs in a blanket. Every time I got in line, I missed that man. No weenies for Duba. However, there was a hidden pasta bar, and I think I had vodka penne. I don't speak Italian, so I am not quite sure. Alfredo also made something, too.

Grade: B (no weenies)

DINNER
It was a buffet, and it was perfect. I voluntarily took a salad plus some other stuff that I honestly cannot recall. Why I can't recall, I don't know. I know I cleaned my plate, and later my colon. The food was top notch and I missed the roast beef carving station. The table dinner was served on also resembled that of male genitalia. I had a full (for the time being) stomach and was a happy man.

Grade: A (can't remember food, but remember I wasn't disappointed)

TABLE SELECTION
Timmer made a late trade to Team Fat Kid, thus filtering down the idea of that table even more. We were blessed with Bach. He gave me a blinking bow tie with a shamrock. Somebody said they were so glad they got the table with the leprechaun.  It was nice to sit with my closest friends from the past few years of my life and laugh it up.

Grade: A- (leprechaun joke)

DJ/MUSIC
The DJ looked like he could have been Ray Romano's younger brother. I saw him air guitar. I don't know the relationship of the DJ to the Fagans or BachooOOOOOooven clans, so I will keep comments to a minimum. Nicknames developed for him over the night included DJ Typical, DJ CLUEless, DJ Frank, DJ Herschel, DJ Everyman, DJ Openmouth. He came out on the dance floor at one time when I was standing next to Brandon. He put the microphone in Brandon's face, and Brandon yelled, "Don't touch me I swear!"

I liked the music. I liked that it wasn't all music I would get up and dance to, or else I would've been dehydrated and cramped by night's end. It was appropriate wedding music. Even Thunderstruck. Ed from Philly stayed out on the dance floor, moving like he was a combo of Will Smith and Kevin James in Hitch. I called him Hitch, but nobody else really latched on to it. Certain music makes my girlfriend throw her arms around me, bounce around as her hair shifts side to side. When she is out there doing that, I love wherever I may be at that moment. The DJ played Livin' on a Prayer and I sang the chorus and bridge as loud as I possibly could, impressing certain people with my vocal range and strength. Spam took the mic and sang "Scenario."

Grade: B (DJ Smiles, DJ Spam)

LOCATION
The place looked absolutely beautiful inside. There was plenty of room on the dance floor and room at the bar, buffet line, etc. I forget how many people Kim told she was told would be there, but it felt like 50 people, not 150, know what I mean? The bartenders were nice, the waitress for our table looked like the New Jersey Tan Mom, and the ceilings were tall to account for the large groom.

Grade: A

DESSERT
Dessert was available at the head of the genitalia shaped buffet table. I know some participants from my table had loaded up on cream puffs as well as dinner when they came back to the table. There were three cakes to choose from, and I chose the chocolate. There was some icing coated cake bites. Somebody told me what they were called, but all it sounded like to me was "Pedophiles."

Dach and Jen cut their cake, but nobody smashed the cake in the other's face. I know if Kim and I had a wedding, I would be divorced in seconds if I did that to her. I don't fault anybody for that. I also had an eclair that was delish.

Grade: A

Overall, this wedding was one of the best I've been to in a long time. I am very happy that Jason and Jen are together and have their family closer than ever now. I am glad I was thought of enough to bring down the average guest height. When we took a "friends" group photo, I was in the front. The vibe was magnificent, the main attractions were beautiful/handsome, and the celebration was merry.

Congratulations to the happy couple!

Holy Smokes!

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, animals - blessed and non-blessed, a new pope has been selected! This is a once in a life-time moment and it is an honor to have lived to see......wait a cotton pickin minute here! Didn't we just do this 8 years ago? And they elected Pope Benedict over all the other possible popes? I must say, it is refreshing to have an election not smeared with garbage claims from one opponent to the next. 

Did you get my "benedict over" joke?

I'm not going to lie. I don't know much about the pope. I know that bald Irish ladies do not like him.

I also know many people are clamoring for a black pope. There has only really ever been one official black pope, and he sucked.

Not a wrestling fan? How about this...

I do know that the pope is the longest reigning ruler of anything ever. That's pretty impressive and the Catholic Church certainly has been around since man first accidentally killed their savior. Good thing they found a leader before shit started getting real.

In all seriousness I get the idea of the pope. The pope is seen as the successor to Saint Peter, who Jesus dubbed as the shepherd for God's people (the sheep). So in the wake of the death of Jesus those who believed he was the son of God needed that man to pull them all together, hence the pope. Everybody needs a leader.

So I remember Pope John Paul Johns from my growing up years to his death when I was 25. The new pope retired which I think is an odd way to leave the seat. Even as John Paul was near death, he was still the pope. I did some research on the election process. The group of Cardinals ascend to the Sistine Chapel and go into a "sequestered meeting" that is known as the "conclave." To quote Wikipedia on the meaning of conclave...

so called because the cardinal electors are theoretically locked in, cum clave, i.e., with key, until they elect a new pope

So, the cardinals all vote on who they think will best represent God. They put their nominees in an envelope and seal it shut. The MC Cardinal reads the votes, and if one is not selected with a 2/3 majority vote, the votes are thrown into a fire along with some chemical to make black smoke (keep in mind they used to use wet straw before the Church made it okay to believe in science), signaling no agreement on a pope.

However, once an agreement can be made on a single pope, the votes are burned alone, and that is what happened a few short hours ago. The name has not been announced yet, but soon, somebody will be known.

Soon the "Senior Cardinal Deacon" will announce from a balcony presiding over Saint Peter's Square, "Annuntio vobis gaudium magnum! Habemus Papam!" Which I do believe is followed by the new man walking out and declaring "Ima da freakin pope!"

Fun Pope Facts:

• Nobody over 80 is considered.
• Pope is derived from the Greek word πάππας - Father
• The pope gets to choose his own pope name. Rejected pope names include: Pope Unarope, Pope Adope, Pope Ularahpinion, Pope Yulation, Pope Ingcherries

That wraps it up. I am glad the pope is elected so I can stop hearing people talk about it, and why the smoke is black or white. I just told you why. Now let's focus back on to the Free Agency Frenzy of the NFL! Boom!

FAT Tuesday Preview!!!

So, last year I attempted to predict where the biggest name free agents would land. I was quite wrong. Let's recap how poor I did:

• Petyon Manning (Dolphins, Arizona, and Denver) - Well, he went to Denver and led them to the best record in the NFL, and another first round loss;
• Vincent Jackson (Chicago) - Well, he went to Tampa Bay and everybody thought he was a mental retard, but he did quite well as the season went on, and provides that dismal team with some hope. I think if the bears didn't trade for Brandon Marshall, he would be on the Bears.
• Michael Bush (Bengals) - Backup running back extraordinaire, Bush didn't not go to the Bengals as they picked up BJGE, and he went on to continue backup duties in Chicago, eventually getting hurt as well allowing for the Kahlil Bell era;
• Mario Williams (Redskins) - Thankfully this was wrong. However, he kind of was a let down for the Bills. Much like Shawne Merriman before him;
• Brandon Jacobs (Jets) - He might as well have gone there. A kid sent Jacobs all the money in his piggy bank to bring Brandon Jacobs back. Jacobs did a nice follow up thing for the kid, but ultimately talked his way into a team suspension and missed the Super Bowl runner up run the 49ers went on;
• Brandon Lloyd/Wes Welker (Patriots) - BINGO! I nailed it!

As I look at the NFL website to review the top free agents, I see there is 1 day, 6 hours, 39 minutes, and 56 seconds. 55 Seconds, 54 Seconds... until the NFL free agency period officially opens. Teams were allowed to "legally tamper" this past weekend. Whatever that means. Is that like a non-sexual affair? Like teams can "emotionally friend" other players on other teams? Also, I don't quite understand it, but players cut from their contracts prior to the legal tampering and free agency period can be signed by other teams.

This year, I will break it down by position as last year was pretty much a mish-mash of names I could recall off the top of my head. But the truth is I am better than that, so here it goes...

QUARTERBACKS

Teams with a need: Bills, Jets, Jaguars, Raiders, Cardinals, Vikings, Titans, Browns

It is odd that some of these teams acquired well known QBs in the past 1-2 years, and the Browns even drafted a mildly decent but raw starter in the 48 year old Brandon Weeden. Apparently the new management in Cleveland doesn't really like him. Unfortunately for all these teams, there is just not much out there that is quality. The Jaguars need help, the Cardinals just blow, and Christian Ponder averaged under 100 yards/game in a series of weeks. Despite the Vikings making the playoffs, they did it on the back of AP, the leg of Blair Walsh, and the heart of the above decent defense.

According to NFL.com, the best available QBs include Matt Moore (Dolphins), David Garrard (I dare you to tell me what team he was on last year), and Jason "I wear turtlenecks" Campbell (Bears). I can see Matt Moore staying with the Dolphins as he is decent at best and I think he is a solid backup most teams wish they had. Jason Campbell should go down to Jacksonville and compete. He was a starting QB and even started a playoff game once. He could be the impetus to steady change down there. David Garrard should go home. Rex Grossman is available, and has an NFC Championship, Super Bowl start, and several comparisons in a bad way to himself under his belt. A team with good receivers who want to rely on a deep bomb should pick him up. Perhaps he would do better as a backup on a team with a solid O-line. Maybe that is the Bills?

WIDE RECEIVERS

Teams with a need: Vikings, Lions, Cardinals, Texans, Patriots, Dolphins, Bengals, Browns, Chargers, Rams, Jaguars, Colts

This is just to name a few. The Vikings have Percy Harvin who could be outstanding, but he hates them. Hates snow. Hates dudes named "Christian." Hates the lineage of Norseman who have been labeled historically as "vikings." He wants out, and then that team only has a great running back and kicker to get the job done. Larry Fitzgerald is nearing the end and needs help, and the Johnsons in Detroit/Houston could use some performance enhancing teammates. The patriots get it done somehow every year, but sooner or later BOTH their star tight ends will be injured at the same time. The other teams really won't have anybody after free agency begins.

NFL.com has ranked their receivers by their potential impact on a team. I will show you my top 5 and quick thoughts/predictions:

1. Mike Wallace - Another weirdo who hated success on his team. Held out once and hurt his stock, but he is a playmaker that the Steelers would never admit they would miss. Word on the street is he wants to take his talents to South Beach, and I don't see why not. They are an "on-the-cusp" team, but DO NOT count out the Patriots. I predict either of those two teams.
2. Wes Welker - The little man who got called out by Giselle "I have a moat!" Bunchen Brady. He was such a great contributor in fantasy and reality football for the Patriots, but I really don't see him having that success with an inexperienced or non-innovative coach. I think he can help some teams that have changed dramatically since last season as well as teams that often need that quick dump-off pass. I always loved Jason Avant on the Eagles, but Welker would be great as the slot. He could also do great things in Chicago, Arizona, Indianapolis, and dare I say San Diego. I can't see him wanting to go to the Browns for just money, but perhaps he is the missing piece for Cincinnati? I think he could best go to the Bengals, Bears, or even Arizona.
3. Greg Jennings - He had groin surgery, but when he eased back into the games he showed what he is really worth. He is a leader who some teams could desperately use. I think some teams could use his veteran skills to help a younger receiving corps develop. These teams are contenders like Seattle, San Francisco, or even the Redskins in the NFC and Jacksonville, Miami, and the Patriots in the AFC. Just because I like the idea of it, I want Jennings to go to the Seahawks and make my new NFC West favorite team more better.
4. Danny Amendola - Identified as a "poor man's Wes Welker" he is utilized in the slot as well. But he gets hurt. Bad. And frequently. However, he had 12 more catches than the Rams' second best receiver, and played only 11 games! Word is the Eagles are pursuing him. We would certainly expect Andy Reid to go after him, but perhaps Chip Kelly knows a better way to keep this guy healthy and actually use him. Talk is the Patriots would be interested, but if it's one thing I think that New England does well is move on. Amendola is either a Ram or an Eagle.
5. Joshua Cribbs - NFL.com has several other players over him. I think he could be a great fit for the 49ers or Redskins. Teams that have instituted successfully this pistol offense/read option crap could have an outstanding athletic weapon at their disposal. Cribbs never really showed his effectiveness as a wide receiver, but his return man skills - finding holes and hitting them with speed bursts - could solidify these defenses even more. I think his speed alone could also make him a viable option for either the Jets or Bills. I think if either of these teams show interest, the Patriots will snag him up. It is tough to call. If I could pick 2 teams he would most likely be with, I would go with San Francisco or the Bills.

RUNNING BACK

Teams with a need:  Jets, Lions, Cardinals, Falcons, Raiders.

These are all teams with a starting need, in my opinion. I won't go into who needs backups. The Jets have jack shit and Shonne Greene is a free agent that will probably destroy it somewhere else. The Lions want to have the ball travel 20+ yards at a time. The Cardinals just want the ball to move forward. The Falcons CANNOT rely on Jacquizz Rogers, mark my words. And the Raiders have an ineffective and overhyped Darren McFadden. So, here's the top 5, in my opinion:

1. Ahmad Bradshaw - He has the single most embarrassing game-winning Super Bowl touchdown of all time. He is quite the weapon though, and he just needs to find a magic genie lamp and wish himself some solid bones. If the dude didn't suffer injuries he could be in the top 5 in the league I think. Alas, he plays through pain and the Giants had enough of him. He is young, and I think he should split time in Atlanta to be a real impact running back. Maybe the Titans can bring him in to help out Chris Johnson? It's not like that passing attack is going anywhere. He could probably be a great weapon, straight up runner for the Lions or Packers. But, if he wants to ensure probably equal playing time, he could go to Oakland as the runner, and McFadden as a passer. Kind of like a broken down version of what I imagine the Eagles will do with Bryce Brown and Lesean McCoy. Final thoughts - Falcons (who are definitely going to be all-in this year), Raiders, or Packers.
2. Rashard Mendenhall - The dude became a headcase while recovering from major knee reconstruction. Perhaps he got pissed at sitting out while his team rotated backs in his place and was jealous of the success Adrian Peterson displayed after the same surgery. Maybe his value is knocked down and a team can get a starting quality back at a cheap cost. This sounds like a case for the New York Jets! That will ensure another new headcase for the team and headache for Rex Ryan. Maybe he can go to Arizona or the Chargers and help in a split carry way though to make their run game more effective. That's my choices.
3. Steven Jackson - The dude has heart and leadership and is just one of those really good guys you always get to hear about. I don't think he has ever been on a winning team, though, and it's time he gets to one. Rumor has it the Falcons want him, but I think they would be stupid to get another guy in his twilight (yet still effective) years. He plays through injury and never stops playing no matter the score. Teams looking to share time amongst running backs could benefit greatly. I am believer though that no matter the offers, he stays in Saint Louis. He gets the Jerome Bettis treatment from the St. Louis fans and his career ends knowing he gave everything he could to one organization. He is one of the good guys.
4. Reggie Bush - I don't really see what the hype is. He struggled out of the gate with his career and once he seemed poised for a solid career, along came Sheldon Brown in the 2006 playoffs making him think twice about being a professional football player. He is like a lap dance of a football player. Nice when you pay for it, but gets you nothing in the end, just that 5 minute nice ride. Rumor is the Lions want him. I see that Bush has become seemingly a leader and wants to win, and he has developed into a much better football player than when he was trying to force himself to be great in New Orleans. He should go to Detroit, and add to yet more of a passing attack there.Might as well try to get up 6 receivers out there at a time.
5. Michael Turner - He certainly slowed down at the end of the past two seasons, but he has those random 100 yard games still in him. Honestly, he could help a team bang it into the endzone such as the Bengals, Eagles, Patriots, Dolphins, Cowboys, or even back to the Chargers. Either way he will probably be signed to be in a reduced role - not even splitting carries at an even pace. He is tough to decide on, but he needs to be paired with a decent at best O-line. The Colts could probably use him as the stuff behind Vick Ballard is practically empty jerseys. He could be a great change of pace (i.e., slow) option for the Colts. Go Colts!

 TIGHT ENDS

Teams with a need: Anybody not playing in Foxboro, MA or New Orleans, LA.

As my friend says a great tight end is hard to find anymore. The Patriots have two, and the Saints have 1. The Falcons have Tony Gonzalez, who is the best available tight end. He will come back, I think, and go for one more ride in Atlanta. He will never achieve a Super Bowl win, though, and retire after another successful season. To me the most intriguing guy out there is Delanie Walker. The dude, if he could catch, would be a wrecking ball. I want him on the Eagles. I want to see a bowling ball blocking like a tight end is supposed to. He can develop ball catching skills, but we need additional blockers and first aid kits for Michael Vick to survive the season. I want this guy as it's been a while since the Eagles have had a multi-use player like that. Other predictions - Dustin Keller goes on to perhaps the Rams, Dolphins, or Bears. Fred Davis comes back to the Redskins. Jared Cook finds a helmet he can fit his head in at either the Rams, Dolphins, or Bears (whichever team Keller rejects), and Martellus Bennett - the Black Unicorn himself - returns to the Giants.

DEFENSE (you will gain no knowledge nor read any insight in this section)

This section will be slightly different, as I am still totally uninformed in terms of knowing these players. I am working on it, but I certainly don't expect one year of watching every football game I could is enough to fully educate me (perhaps I need more defensive players in fantasy football?). I wish I knew more about lineman so that I could be an expert here. The linebackers and secondary players get the most credit (or blame) for a team's defensive success. Analysts will say, "It all starts at the line blah blah blah..." Then they will mention the other 3 to 7 players beyond the line by name. I think the most impactful free agent would be Dominque Rogers-Cromartie. He showed great physical presences when he wanted to. His only problem was quitting too early in the season. Get him on a staunch defense and he could do well. Where that is, i don't know. Perhaps Atlanta? They got the most out of another Philadelphia dump off - Asante Samuel. At linebacker, Dannell Ellerbe is primed for a pay day. I watched him play a few times, and he learned and then, in my opinion, supplanted Ray Lewis as the Ravens main linebacker. He can go to a team who desperately needs his presence. The Jaguars, Vikings, and Rams could use him, and perhaps the Chargers as well. I just don't know. The two top safeties are Glover Quin (Texans) and Dashon Goldson (49ers). I would like Goldson over Quin. I remember a couple teams lighting up the Texans secondary quite a bit. Goldson seems like more of a solid player. I would like Goldson with the Eagles, just to provide that name recognition and leadership to the team. The Dolphins could use the services of Quinn to stay strong on the back end of their defense.

KICKERS

Billy Cundiff will pop up on some team, somewhere, and disappoint an entire city.

Well, there you have it! My probably wrong, completely uneducated look at the best of the best in this year's free agent class. May your team get the best available player.