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Baby Review - Bowen Carl Duba

So none of my loyal readers guessed the right birth date of my youngest son. If you got it right, I would have your face plastered here and I would be lighting the fire to blow smoke up your ass. Since you all missed it, well, you are all awful people.

That said, last Thursday on 6/12, at 12 minutes to 6, my baby boy was born at 6 pounds 12 ounces. People tell me, "Whoa you should play the lottery." But why? What two number lottery is there? I could play Guess The Number with 6 and 12 as my answers but I may be very wrong.

Bo is the first person I have ever seen enter the world. Leading up to that moment was intense. My wife had the painful contractions that pained me to see her hurting. Well, I had watched several birthing shows with her and seen examples of how I wanted to be and what I hoped I would not become.

Before her epidural kicked in Kim followed my voice and instructions on breathing and all that jazz. I hate jazz. It's lame. Harry Connick Jr? More like Harry Connick Snorer. I digress. When the doctors could get the look of the baby in the womb, I noticed a change in the nurses' urgency. The doctor, Dr Shima, was cool and calm. They made my wife flip around only to reveal Bo had the cord wrapped around his neck. At this point they told us they would need to use the suction cup to get him out. In that situation you have no choice but to put it in the hands of the doctor.

So came four strong pushes and I slowly watched Bo enter the world. He looked like the perfect mash up of me and Rocco. I was denied the chance to cut the cord, but I can deal with that.

When Bo broke free I made a disgusting cry face. No tears were shed, and I may have just cried inside myself. They whisked Bo away to the cleaning table. They asked me to see the baby two times, but I wanted to wait to meet him with Kim. The third time I denied them again, but the Dr said, "I THINK YOU SHOULD COME SEE THE BABY." Whoa. I went and I learned his vocal chords didn't open. He couldn't take in air and he couldn't get the fluid out. I was upset. Kim was just about on her last emotion. I was visibly upset.

I had to move to the other side of the table to be out of the doctor's way. I came to the side that Bo had tilted his head to. He made a struggling whimper sound with his eyes closed. I started talking to him as if he was a man. I just coached his mom to breath right so I tried the same to him. His eyes slowly opened and the whimper got worse. They were supplying him with ambient air to open the chords. He looked at me face to face. Then the whimper began to die down to no sound. I watched my baby's belly rise and fall with every breath. The doctor slowly removed the mask and he continued to look at me.

I talked to him and told him how I waited for him my whole life and it was time to see his mother. The doctor said she couldn't believe how quick he turned around. I told her, "I'm freakin' awesome."

So our little guy was in our arms finally. He had a scare that put him in the NICU but he quickly recovered again with no signs of turning back now. So, let's review this baby, shall we?

Length: at 19 and three quarter inches, Bo fits snuggly in my forearm clutch. My forearm measures just over 15 inches in length. When you consider a baby curls himself up to maybe 11 or 12 inches, it is easy to hold his head in my forearm pit and cradle his butt with my hand. It is perfect for detecting that massive and forceful baby poops.

Weight: 6 pounds 12 ounces. If the baby was up to 30 pounds I think I could comfortably hold him. That is a great weight as I can confidently hand him over to people of all ages and strengths. That will equal more attention and more bonding time.

Looks: cross of Rocco and me, heavy on the me side. I was not part of Rocco's birth, but I saw his newborn pictures. When I saw Bo waltz his way out I saw most of my face with Rocco's mouth and eyes. It was cool.

Strength: very strong: Bo keeps his legs suspended in the air during all diaper changes. He tends to kick himself right in the jewels every time as well. He nearly does a pushup already when placed on his belly.

Hair: Plenty. And if he is to take after daddy, there will be plenty more. I was a little let down that he didn't have a unibrow but it is a good thing he didn't have a unibrow. I always felt like you could tell a person's expected balding pattern based on how they looked as a baby. He may take on the receding hair line in the future.

Manners: Polite for 23 out of 24 hours. He is great with company thus far and we hope to encourage that with him. He gets fussy but other than the first night home (which was mortifying) he has handled his new home and surroundings well. He has only spit up on me and his mom so we are keeping it close to the family.

Color: Pinkish white. Well that was when he was born. Now he is the blend of me and Kim. Everybody says he has prefect color. I think I would only have an issue if he was black. (That's just a joke, and not a racist statement) 

Fashion sense: Trending. That's the word Kim uses whenever she does something out of the ordinary or unexpected or standoutish. She certainly has tried to do the same to Rocco with his faux hawks and neon clothes and now the baby. His recent shirt said "I'm kind of a big deal" with a rainbow behind the letters on a blue shirt.

Name: strong, meaningful. We originally picked Jameson, but after a month of me talking to the belly and speaking with Jamey Kim didn't think it fit right. After all his brother is named Rocco. So she liked Bo. I liked it too but I said there was no way my son would only have 6 letters in his name and that Bo had to be short for something. So, we Googled the name and found long form names of Bo. I liked the name Bowen. When I clicked the name, I learned that the name was Irish and on this website only it translated to "son of the small victorious one."  Boom. Bowen. Carl, his middle name, is for my grandfather who was my childhood hero.

Nickname-ability: several. Bowie. Bobo (Kim hates this one, but I call him that when I need his attention). Bojangles (not our favorite). Boseph. Bochacho (I like using variations of using the word bro in common words). Unbolievable. Botastic. Bo-mbbastic. And my favorite, coined by Kim - Bowinkle.

Overall: he's a baby, you animals. Let me love my perfect son.

Random Thoughts, This time Actual Random Thoughts

First and foremost we are only one full week away from the expected spawn of Duba. There is a contest ongoing for the person who can guess the correct delivery date. Winner gets an entire blog post about them. Whether I really know you or not.

The Cleveland Show is one of the worst shows I ever saw. I am a staunch supporter of Family Guy and the character of Cleveland Brown, but it is too much. And no, this shouldn't be considered racism.

What's up with these flash horrible storms in the Philadelphia area. I know we are lucky to not live in Kansas that is a completely flattened state that has an expected amount of tornadoes per square mile yet everybody is shocked.

It is the day my baby is due, and I expect a life of chaos for the next couple years.

Thursday is Rocco's first playoff baseball game. He started out pretty pedestrian striking out every time and being of no help in the field. However a couple weeks ago something just clicked. He has been slugging the ball and getting it into the outfield on a regular basis. He can make big stops in the field but that's the extent of his baseball acumen.

I watched only two basketball games all year last year (okay parts of only two basketball games all year) and both were of game 6 and 7 of the the NBA Finals. The finals will be a repeat of last year. The Heat seemed to struggle during some times of the regular season when winning didn't matter that much but turn in on when needed. The Spurs seem like a team that hates how last year went down. But you gotta pick the returning champs to win it. I've said several times here - it is okay to root for greatness.

The fate of the world doesn't rely on you or me but rather what mother nature dictates. We could blow up the world 10 times over and the planet will be able to readapt and repopulate so that it could do it all again. But one day this planet will be sacked through the universe and be shat out the other side of a black hole.  The only thing you can really hope for is that nobody you know and nobody that they know have to experience it.

Why do people get surprised and angry when a 21 year old multimillionaire gets out to Vegas to party before he dedicates his entire life to football? Half of those people throwing stones probably would plan a massive free for all vacation should they ever be lucky enough to win that lottery.

Circling back the penultimate paragraph, I hate the sun. Not just because it will destroy the world one day in a violent matter, but it makes the world too damn hot.

Will the majority of teenagers still suck 20 years from now? I mean like will they still be whiny assholes?

When will Eli Manning become the second openly gay NFL Player?

Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.

At what age as an adult should you stop religiously watching pro wrestling? 

Okay, it took me about two weeks to write this.

Fin.

Mock Draft Du.Ba

Finally, after a long break from significant football, it is time for the NFL Draft. The time of year when yes even Jaguars fans get pumped up. Every year I like to make poor attempts at a mock draft and humor by figuring out who will go where. I have reviewed some helpful analyst mocks, but that's it. I really know very little else about college football, other than my alma mater Drexel had no team. So without further aduba, let us look at the 2014 NFL Draft's first round:

 

 

1. Texans: Jadaveon "The Maldavian" Clowney: Why would you trade #1 overall? If you want to reopen your window of opportunity, Jadaveon Clowney sounds like the kind of guy who can break it open. This guy should translate as well as Ndomukong Suh, but hopefully less stompy. I know they aren't the same position, but Suh was the only other defensive player I remember since I started watching football who was discussed this much.

 

 

2. Rams: Sammy "Clammy" Watkins: Remember how I said the Texans want to reopen the window of opportunity? Well, the Rams right now are staying in the hallway looking for that room with the open window. And seriously, when you become an adult, it is time to drop the "y" at the end of your name. I know too many people through my work who are older developers or personnel. Billy. Jimmy. Bobby, I even heard a Davey once. It is time to embrace adulthood, Samwick Watkins. Now, go on having fun becoming a man.

3. Jaguars: Mike "No rollin' sevens" Evans: They need help. Justin Blackmon may not play another snap in a Jaguars uniform, so they need a difference maker who can catch the ball. There will be plenty of good quarterback choices in the second round.

4. Browns: Johnny "Football de Americano" Manziel: I hate calling him Johnny anything. Brandon and I have a bet this year as to where Manziel will go. He bet me that Manziel would be drafted by the Cowboys. I thought no way he would make it halfway through the draft. But, to make it fair, I chose to gamble on the Browns. Maybe if this happens, he will pull an Eli and literally get his panties in a bunch inside his ass.

5. Raiders: "I already know three people named" Greg Robinson: Okay, boring player name. Pretty much most of these players have dull names. I'm not even all that impressed with Jadaveon, Ra'Shede, or Darqueze. Odell Beckham Junior is interesting because there is another one who is older and still thought this was a good name. Oh, so yeah Greg Robinson, who doubles as my company's AutoCADD guy, could help block for all 10 new running backs the Raiders have this year on the roster.

6. Falcons: Jake "The Snake" "Corey" Mathews: Don't they have a pretty shitty run game? Sure, they get run on, but they need to have an offense that allows them to run the ball and keep that atrocious defense off the field.

7. Buccaneers: Khalil "The Daddy" Mack "'ll Make You Jump Jump": Why not sure up the middle of the defense for years now that you dumped Darrel Revis?

8. Vikings: Blake "Beverly" Bortles: Remember the Beverly Brothers in the old WWF? They were some blonde dudes who claimed to be rich brothers. Blake and Beau Beverly had a move called the Shaker Heights Spike. They basically tossed a wrestler in the air while the other grabbed his face and spiked it into the mat. Fitting considering the face plants the Vikings have had at quarterback over the years.

9. Bills: Marqise "I before E except after C, U after Q unless you're Marqise" Lee: Name me a receiver on the Bills. Go ahead. They do already have a player named Marquise I think.

10. Lions: Taylor Lewan"aman": A "finesse left tackle" for a team that accentuates finesse on offense. Sunshine and Rainbows for the Lions.

11. Titans: Aaron "I'm looking for a lot of playing time since our offense won't be" Donald: I love people with two first names. Ol' Donny boy could help shore up a defense that my fantasy football opponent's running backs always played against.

12. Giants: C.J. Mosley "Looking forward to just playing football": The Giants, though I hate them, need a leader on defense. He could be that. But hopefully not.

13. Rams: "Bustin" Justin Gilbert: Sounds like a fat Garbage Pail Kids card. Another two namer. The Rams need another cornerback with the release of the controversial Cortland Finnegan and a normal name in that secondary to complement Janoris Jenkins.

14. Bears: Stephon "Urkel" Tuitt: Pronounced "Stef-onn" "Ur-kell", the team with one of the worst defenses last year needs to improve at the start with their line. The Bears were in playoff contention, so the offense needs little help.

15. Steelers: Anthony "I failed the" Barr "Exam and now want to play football": I like players who take all four years of college to get their education and hone their skills before entering the big show. Welcome another communications major to the Steelers!

16. Cowboys: Calvin "I wish I was chosen by the team" Pryor: A guy many Eagles fans have  mentined, but the Cowboys were near historically bad on defense last year. He is listed on NFL.com as the most violent hitter in the draft. Eagles fans want that, but they will be happy to blow past him on the path to many touchdowns this season.

17. Ravens: Zack "I spell my name the right way" Martin: The Ravens had shit for running last year, and a wife-beater at the helm. Yeah, Ray Rice struck a woman. We all only saw the aftermath of him dragging her body like a Law and Order: SVU villain. The blindside for the Ravens has not outlived the movie of its namesake so they need to improve.

18. Jets: Darqueze "It's a family name" Dennard: The Jets need somebody to fill the void of Antonio Cromartie and to make themselves looks smart for not resigning Revis. The offense will be built in the second round.

19. Dolphins: Carlos "I can't" Hyde: No, you can't hide from the major dysfunction of the Miami Dolphins. This team desperately needs a spark to make Snowflake not want to leave on his own rather than being kidnapped by Ray Finkle.

20. Cardinals: Derek "Don't judge me by my brother David" Carr: This guy is a rage of positivity. Carson Palmer is good for the Cardinals and all, but let's face it, Bruce Arians wants to build a team in his image. Short, stubby, and a hat only Prince could be fond of.

21. Packers: Eric "I'm glad I became a talked-about football player and not a nerd so that people didn't call me Egon" Ebron: Jermichael Finley probably shouldn't play again after he initially thought he couldn't two times last season. Get the best tight end you can at this point.

22. Eagles: "Oh Well" Odell Beckham Junior: This guy is the recent flavor of the week at wide receiver, and Eagles fans are buying it. I wrote "Oh Well" because people want defense, but that won't be the case.

23. Chiefs: Ryan Shazier "Than the Shaziest guy you know": Andy Reid drafting a linebacker??? That defense will be mute since their offensive line lost a lot of players, but maybe Dallas Reynolds is already on that team and can protect. Either way, their defense will need to stay stronger in all three phases to have a chance to repeat last year.

24. Bengals: Bradley "I can finally live in a house that isn't made of adobe" Roby: Thankfully most of the players this year have easy to rhyme names. Except Darqueze. The Bengals cannot afford to coast all year into the playoffs at the three seed and be ousted by a last day entrant again.

25. Chargers: Ha Ha "As said by Nelson in the Simpsons" Clinton Dix: The Chargers can be passed on, and that's why they aren't ever really taken seriously in the middle of the season. What is this guy's first name? His name is more like a scandal from the Bill Clinton administration.

26. Browns: Kelvin "Ben Jammin'" Benjamin: This guy will complement Josh "One more wrong move and I'm hanging with Justin Blackmon" Gordon. Gordon, despite several different quarterbacks, was second in receiving, and only because he missed the first two games. This could help the running game as well.

27. Saints: Kyle "My Glass is" Fuller "Than Yours": The Saints' secondary needs to get younger after releasing veterans and to complement a just-hitting his prime Jairus Byrd and the young Kenny Vaccaro.

28. Panthers: Brandin "Kiss the" Cooks: He should automatically become the number one receiver as he beats out Tiqwan Underwood and Jason Avant and Cam Newton's Sister for that spot.

29. Patriots: Demarcus "Translates to Of the Marcus" Lawrence: The Patriots need to have Peyton Manning stop passing on them when the season is on the line. So go for it.

30. 49ers: Ra"postrophe"Shede Hageman: Never have I inserted a nickname mid name before. But I also started this after the D'Brickashaw Ferguson draft. I feel the 49ers will fall apart this year, so they need to reestablish a defensive identity.

31. Broncos: Xavier "Punctuation marks" Su'a-filo: NFL.com has his name all capitalized, so I don't know where certain words begin or end. Other variations of his nickname would've included Su'a-filo "Walks into a bar...". That's all I got. I am rushing through this now as I have to pee and work is about to start.

32. Seahawks: Donte "Cristo" Nocrief: Why not? Put as many odd weapons out on the field for Russel Wilson to run all around and find open deep.

That does it. I have to pee. Enjoy the draft and follow my twitter stream @thegreatjimduba for my thoughts as the draft proceeds.

Random Thoughts

I was speaking with one of my old bosses the other day. He actually brought up my blog and said he would check it out some time. I told him though that with my new job, I have not frequently updated my blog as much as an author of my caliber should. I realize that I had so much downtime that I could focus literally all my creativity and energy into a one hour creative session and I was pumping out pure gold. In fact, I had waited until I went to work to write about stuff I did on the weekend! I spent my last three days in that office literally predicting every single NFL game all the way through the Super Bowl. I planned on following that and updating what happened compared to what I predicted. I still intend to finish that, but it probably won't be this month. I figured I would take this time to go about letting you all know what I have thought about when I'm sitting by myself driving to the office.

 

So an NBA team owner is racist. Apparently it has been noted that historically he has shown major race bias plus the NAACP took donations. First of all, the NAACP is a joke. Check out theire mission:

 

The mission of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People is to ensure the political, educational, social, and economic equality of rights of all persons and to eliminate race-based discrimination.

 

Vision StatementThe vision of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People is to ensure a society in which all individuals have equal rights without discrimination based on race.

ObjectivesThe following statement of objectives is found on the first page of the NAACP Constitution - the principal objectives of the Association shall be:

• To ensure the political, educational, social, and economic equality of all citizens

• To achieve equality of rights and eliminate race prejudice among the citizens of the United States

• To remove all barriers of racial discrimination through democratic processes

• To seek enactment and enforcement of federal, state, and local laws securing civil rights

• To inform the public of the adverse effects of racial discrimination and to seek its elimination

• To educate persons as to their constitutional rights and to take all lawful action to secure the exercise thereof, and to take any other lawful action in furtherance of these objectives, consistent with the NAACP's Articles of Incorporation and this Constitution.



 

How can you be about equal rights for all people, when your organization's title uses the word colored? My grandfather was my hero, but he used the word colored to describe a black person. He didn't do it in a derogatory way, but as I got older I felt less comfortable hearing it. It was just how he was. But unlike the excuses that other people might use to pawn off hatred in their heart once they get caught expressing it, I was thankfully able to figure out it was wrong. He wasn't wrong for his use of the word "coloreds" in my opinion, but I would be to bring its use into my verbal repertoire. That said, a group suggesting they are about advancement of colored people, sets off literally a quarter dozen questions in my head.

 

As a group, it seems like you are declaring "colored people" are not as far along as normal people. Just the fact you use the term colored is wrong. If you mean minorities in America, than say that. If the group wants to end racial discrimination and educate people for ALL races, then didn't they call out yellow Asians, I guess red Hispanics, and of course the original red man, the Native American in their title?

 

The NAACP does support marriage equality, but that's how they call it, marriage equality. The term makes sense, but they put their own spin on it relating to interracial marriage. Racial. Race. It's all a stupid bunch of words. Do you want to know how to advance your race? Stop relying on those elders amongst your group who lived through major hardships to build your plight against yourself.

 

Now, that is easier said than done. But when you grow up, you still need to know right over wrong. Just because you are raised in a shitty neighborhood doesn't mean you get to throw the rule book out the window. And for some reason, the kids today look at those celebrities who came from that bad way of life, and choose to mimic where they came from than who they are today. Sure, athletes and gangsta rappers may or may not be approved role models for your kids, but they should be more of an inspiration for what they overcame. I saw some kids who voluntarily chose to look like they lived that kind of life. No you didn't. Just because your neighborhood has one flood every two years does not mean you are from the ghetto and people not in your race are horrible people.

 

There is trash of all kind on this planet - white, black, brown, red, and so on. More proof that all people are created equal. You want to have race equality, stop calling each other a race. Is there a different race of pure-bread German Shepherds? Why are humans discriminatory from the start by noticing color? One day at football practice earlier this year, Rocco had a problem with one of his teammates. I asked him who did what to him. He described it, but I couldn't tell who he was talking about, but then he said it was the black kid. Whoa. I tried to nip that shit in the bud right there. I made him stay quiet about it until we got in the car.

 

I didn't yell at him, but I told him how you can't describe somebody by the color of their skin, because there are a lot people who look like that, or like me, or like the ninjas he saw on TV. If you know the person better, you can tell me a better set of details on who he is than just what his color looked like. And the same thing goes from describing a person as tall or short or fat. At first, how about you know the other person's name? That's a start.

 

All that being said, how could a man who owns a team in a sport celebrated among the black community say that the race's stereotype is true? And that minorities are bad? To his half black half Hispanic or Asian mistress (not his wife) who is like 50 years old.

 

Minorities should be outraged, but just consider the source.

 

 

 

 

I have a strong feeling that people like him are a dying breed.