FAT Tuesday Preview

Other than opening weekend of the NFL, Thanksgiving, New Year's Eve, Christmas, ultrasound's of my future son, any event with my current son, quiet moments with Kim, epic days with my friends, moving day, fantasy football draft day, the impending birthdate for my son, the day Game of Thrones resumes, sporting games/practices for Rocco, and Saturdays, the Tuesday that opens up NFL Free Agency is my favorite day of the year.  It is the longest running traditional column I have on my blog. See how right or most likely wrong I was in the past: 2012 and 2013.

Yeah, I know FAT stands for Free Agent Tuesday, and I essentially declare it Free Agent Tuesday Tuesday. We here at The Great Jim Duba don't care.
 

Last year was kind of dismal for free agent talent, and I only really got one of the non-obvious choices right. It's tough to predict, and last year I tried to look at a positions breakdown. I will go with the NFL's supposed list of the top 101 free agents and get the top few from each major position group.

QBs

Michael Vick: The pride of the Virginia prison system has done all he can in Philadelphia. I honestly enjoyed his time there, but much like I had to do with my butt doctor, it's time to break up. Rumor has it the Bills are interested along with possible landing spots in Oakland, Jets, and Texans. Okay, Texans are a no, and so are the Bills. He will not be a bandaid, but rather a bridge to the next guy. New York Jets, welcome to the circus.

Josh McCown: Dude is old and has proved that keeping a quality backup healthy is key to a team's continued success. He combined with Jay Cutler last year to be the third best fantasy quarterback in all the NFL. He can't expect much, but perhaps be the backup at a team that may be going somewhere. Know where he should go to ride into the sunset? Green Bay. Otherwise, perhaps a team in the AFC South can use him as a backup. Any one of them.

Josh Freeman: The single worst game I've ever watched in all my years of football involved the Freeman led Vikings vs the Giants this past year on Monday Night Football. He had a concussion, and the integrity of the entire Vikings team was questioned. I think if he gets a fresh start, he could be quite a player. Perhaps he's the type of player the Houston Texans can use. He's still young enough. He's still got a modicum of skills. He again could go to a team like Houston or Tennessee.

Matt Flynn: He is better served to stick with what brought him to the dance. Just stay the course and enjoy the ride in Green Bay. Spare us the debate and flashback to 2010.

RBs

LeGarrette Blount: So this guy punched his way to getting an overblown contract somewhere. He probably wants starter money, but is better served to be a backup. Just going on a limb, but I can point him to the welcome mat in Cleveland. Other options could be in Arizona to be the pounder that Andre Ellington won't be.

Ahmad Bradshaw: Just give it up man. You already had the gayest game winning touchdown in a Super Bowl ever. You risk serious injury every year. Please, you are a great tough running back, please take the lead of Rashard Mendenhall. He's not coming back.

Andre Brown: He could be the starter in New York. He could stay there and be the bridge to the next back the Giants integrate. He could go on to a backup elsewhere though. I think he should stay in New York.

Maurice Jones-Drew: MJD wanted for years to be paid more by Jacksonville. His wish has led to him most likely getting a pittance. He could have a Reggie Bush resurgence, so he needs to go to a place that would mix him in enough. New England, Miami, Giants, Carolina, Atlanta could be good spots. Perhaps the Saints have something up their sleeves. But keep those teams in mind.

Chris Johnson: They been trying to trade him, but to no avail. He will let his once amazingly promising career go into the fog. Cleveland, Atlanta, Washington, and Oakland could use a cheeky player like him.

Ben Tate: The obvious choice has been for him to go to Cleveland. I honestly have a worry that he goes to the Giants and can begin a rather good run, no pun intended. He unfortunately didn't have the year he was hoping to have in a contract year, but his whole team blew. I bet he is the first big name guy taken tomorrow.

Darren Sproles: Wow, where does he go now? He really hasn't proven himself over the past two years. Somebody who wants to use him as a third down back and not as a receiver could probably get more use out of him. That could include Houston, Denver. Either way, he's one of those guys people would be wanting on his team, but disappointed at the outcome. He may be the 2014 version of the 2011 Ronnie Brown.

WRs

Jason Avant: He will land somewhere and be productive/a contributor. I just threw him in here because he's my favorite Eagle behind Brian Dawkins and Correll Buckholder. Best of luck, Jason Avant.

 

Kenny Britt: He got arrested 8 times in 18 months. Suspended four games. He has so many bridges burnt to the ground. I love his talent, so hopefully he lands in a spot to showcase his worth. Detroit? Cleveland, New England, Jets, Bills, Washington could all use a receiver of his talent, and Britt could use a fresh start.

Eric Decker: The speculation he goes to the Colts to be the next big thing. I've heard and read him as being one of the guys who will be paid too much and do too little. Debated whether or not he was a good signing. He should go to the Colts, or any other dome team. That's why I can see Decker sneaking onto a team like the Texans

Julian Edelman: A guy who may only be good in the system that made us know his name. I can see some craziness like the Eagles trading Desean and Edelman becoming an Eagle. Or, a team like Detroit and San Diego can use him, and the dash and dash splash of Edelman and Danny Woodhead can thrive. And get halved.

Hakeem Nicks: The consensus is Carolina. But if they want to give up on Steve Smith, why would they take Nicks? Seattle could use him if they lose Sidney Rice and Golden Tate. He won't be asked to do much, and neither was Tate. There you go.

Dexter McCluster: I once had a fantasy team named "The McClusterfucks." Meh. He is whatever. I don't really care. The dude had the chance to make some talent, and he could be gobbled up by a team like New Orleans or Tampa. Even Carolina could use a guy like him, just to be different.

TEs

Scott Chandler: Yeah where's he going. Buffalo would be stupid to let him go. He'll back for two more years in a Bills uniform.

Ed Dickson: He needs to perhaps go somewhere under the radar. Much like he is. I can't really figure out where he could or should go. The Ravens don't need him any more. Does he block? I don't know. He's okay talent at best. Maybe he goes to Miami to fill in for Dustin Keller. Yeah. Why not. Have fun in the sun, with a team that just can't win.

Jermichael Finley: Another guy who should heed the doctor's warning. He had such a cringe-inducing year. His injuries were scary to watch, and if you are human, you felt awful watching him. The more I think about Finley, I believe he needs to follow the Rashard Mendenhall approach. That guy may have just about had it right. That said, he will go somewhere like the Jets or Bills where they will need his skill level at a low cost.

Jimmy Graham: He's franchised, but some teams would possibly desire him enough to give up the proper picks needed to make their team instantly better. He needs to go elsewhere, cause another storm is brewing in New Orleans that will only affect 53 people. I think he stays, but he'd be better off going elsewhere.

OLine

Branden Albert: Now I'm not getting too particular because I don't know enough, but some teams need O-line help, like the Falcons, Dolphins, Colts.

Michael Oher: The Blindside star is now a run of the mill guy, but he could probably go to one of those teams or a team with an established line and be a depth player. Maybe Denver could use his services.

Guy Whimper: I know nothing about him, except his name caught my eye. Guy Whimper. Sounds like a player eligible to play on the Cowboys.

Defense

Jared Allen (DE): A guy who wears the number 69 because he was probably that cool kid in high school who got to pick his number first. Tail end of career, could pump some life and leadership into a defense needing that extra cog. He should go to a team that could use him wisely and preserve him. The Jaguars, Titans, Cardinals, Patriots, Broncos could use a guy like him.

Lamarr Houston (DE): Don't know much about him except hearing analysts say, "How will offensive player X handle Lamar Houston?" Same consequences for Jared Allen, but much younger. I'll take him in Philadelphia, but I don't think that's his style defense. He should go get in the mix in Kansas City as their main players spent too much time in the trainer room.

John Beason (ILB): A guy who made the Giants defense much better last year. He will go to a team that promises him the moon. Brandon Spikes is out in New England, perhaps that's his landing spot.

Karlos Dansby: I don't know. Maybe stick with the Cardinals?

London Fletcher: He belongs in Washington if he wants to be known as the guy of utmost integrity. I hate the Redskins, but have no problem with London Fletcher. Why did I include defensive players?

Brandon Spikes: Yeah I really don't know what more to do say or write about now. He seemingly had some kind of falling out with the Patriots. Maybe go to a team that needs help stopping the run while also rebuilding. Maybe the Titans.

Champ Bailey (CB): Maybe he goes full circle and comes back to Washington. They don't have that first pick in the draft and can get him cheap to be a senior presence in a secondary that blows.

Antonio Cromartie: A bad year can mean the end of your career in the NFL. Belichek hates Rex Ryan, so don't put it past him to pick up Cromartie. Otherwise, Cleveland, Denver, Chicago, Miami, or the Colts could use his services.

Vontae Davis: He's that bug-eyed guy who needed to call his Grandma in Hard Knocks two years ago. I don't care where he goes.

Captain Munnerlyn: Don't know much about him except he held Rob Gronkowski when the Panthers beat the Patriots on Monday Night Football. Whatever, wherever.

Asante Samuel: Brandon always said he looks like a drag queen. To Wong Fu, go fist yourself.

Alterraun Verner: He is one of the reasons the Titans secondary wasn't half bad. He can go to a middling or worse team, maybe one of those teams missing another piece to be a more dominant defense. Maybe Carolina, Rams, or the Lions.

Antoine Bethea (S): He's old, right? I don't know. Maybe he will go to somewhere I don't care about.

Jairus Byrd: The prize safety. I hope the Eagles get him. Although then every idiot who calls into sports radio would continue to call him Jarius. It's Jairus. I hope he is the start of something great. I feel they will screw it up, and Byrd will fly away to more championship ready teams like Denver. He will be going more for wins and little money than being rich and on a sucky team.

James Ihedigbo: Isn't like Chris Kluwe? He wrote to a senator about gay rights, and was asked to stop. He is an okay player, and could be a bridge or bandaid player.

T.J. Ward: The runner up to the Jairus Byrd contest. Just stay in Cleveland, dude. Your defense kept you in games.

Donte Whitner. Hitner! Supposedly the Niners want to keep him there. I would take him, but he isn't getting younger.

Special Guys

Devin Hester: I will never forget the first play of the Super Bowl he was in and took the first one all the way. I would love him on the Eagles, especially if it is true Desean Jackson may be traded. the Bills could use him to since they will be losing Byrd.

Phil Dawson (K): He replaced Akers, and I'm sure he's not the reason why they lost the NFC title game. He should stay. If he leaves, that opens the door for Billy "I suck the life out of life" Cundiff.

Adam Vinatieri (K): Just stay the course man. You get 10 games in a dome next year. Every kicker's dream.

Steven Hauschka (K): Don't take a lot of money. Just stay. You're on the Super Bowl Championship winning team. Why leave? They didn't win because of you or in spite of you.

Donnie Jones (P): I just hope the Eagles keep him. He was the best punter since Sav Rocca.

Sav Rocca (P): Please come back to the Eagles.

Whew. That was long. I'm all fagged out.

Best of luck, Jason Avant. Thanks for the memories.

The Complaint Dubartment

Catchy name, no? If you said no, I think that means a yes. I'm no grammarian, nor am I a Gregorian. I don't know what either of those means. I'm barely a writer (anymore at least). It has been hard blogging lately. I am getting fully fulfilled at my job, and having one of those careers where I come home and just want to relax. In the past it was much easier to be bored at my job, and topics to blog about would come in and out of my head. I would have 5 draft blogs at a time on deck.

 

But now it is a Friday night. My life now (and for almost half a decade now) has involved a family I stumbled into. I love my fiancé Kim and my son Rocco. Call him my step son if you want, but he is my son. I'm a short man who very few people physically have to look up to, but when you got a youngster who looks up and admires you because you give your all to show him a good life, well, it's rewarding, even if he drives us bonkers at times.

 

I recently got engaged, the day after Valentine's Day. I find Martin Luther King Day as important as Valentine's Day, so I tried to split the difference. We have an appointment tomorrow to get a 3D ultrasound of our future son. I'm excited to see even more features, as I have only been able to see through his features up to this point. I want to see his fingers, his toes, his eyes, his moves. I hope he is doing "the Carlton" in the womb. It feels like it sometimes.

 

So, based on the title of this entry, you must be wondering what I have to complain about? It is little things. Trivial things. Not everything in my life has been all bacon and peanut butter cups (fat guy lingo for rainbows and unicorns). I have had low lows and am still experience higher highs. Life is fascinating, and as I enter the wrong side of 30 I realize several things that either rapidly anger me or just have me shaking my head.

 

Recently on Facebook, I did a purge. I joked in a status that for Lent I gave up 40 friends. It was kind of more like 25, but whatevs. The basis of my eliminations had several aspects. Some people had several negative check marks, some had one. One time last year or the year before, I dropped somebody because they were posting about how outraged she was that the government kept evidence of mermaids from the public that Animal Planet was exposing. Yeah, the home of the Puppy Bowl has an anti-government exclusive. I liked the mockumentary, the theories are kind of legit, but the proof was mentally challenged. And so were those who bought it, hook line and sinker. The rest of my Facebook friends eliminations included people who I really do not care about. I don't hate anybody, but I also don't care about several. I care about people in general, but I don't HAVE to care about you because you used to be a jock in high school. If I don't care that your kids are "crazy" or "just too funny" or if everything that you said made you "Laugh my fucking ass off", then you were eliminated. Some people I know can actually truly put LOL after they declare something. Dave Bell, everything he says has a chuckle at the end of it. Some of the remaining friends put they are "lmfao" but they only stick around due to my respect for others. Also, when your dog is the highlight of your life, I would rather read a book about how to cut off my own genitalia. I think they call that a Bobbitography.

 

I want to complain about people who say they will get work done for me, and I emphasize the deadline, and then I hear them laughing about town. They tell me they know how important the report is or the files are that I need, but nowhere near as important as how delicious the Tostinos (r) Pizza Rolls were you just ate. (This portion of the blog is NOT brought to you by Tostinos (R) Pizza Rolls, but rather leftover pasta and meat sauce I have integrated with bits of the finest string cheese).

 

Kim loves American Idol. I don't care what she likes on TV, because come football season I have dibs, and she has no complaints. So I often watch it with her. I often spend that time cruising the internet, checking my blog stats and freaking out about how I have so many fewer readers these days, or reading a book about becoming a father (of a baby, not the boy I already have). So the one kid gets the opportunity in the auditions to sing for the judges on the TV programme. He was mediocre for karaoke and was told no. He collapsed outside in front of a tiny Ryan Seacrest and declared it was the worst day ever. Earlier that morning I was walking through the woods at work and I stepped on one vine that pulled a thorn branch down that stuck me in my eyelid. That branch, I would later learn, was covered in the stalk of a poison ivy bush, and I proceeded to develop a rash from my head, across my eye, down and in my nose, and into the wet part of my inner lip. Yeah dude, you had the worst day ever.

 

People who legitimately think baseball is the greatest game ever. There's reasons I like football, and I won't argue why it's better. I will make my case for what I love about it. But that doesn't mean I won't put down the obsession some people have over players who have sewed on buttons on their uniform shirts and wear pants with pockets and belt loops. It is an impressive feat to hit a homerun. I mean several people were in awe when I hit one in softball a couple years back. Yeah, I did it. I'm like a Mighty Casey, but not mighty. I'm the Mousey Casey.

 

The other basis for this complaint forum comes from the other day when I was driving home after a long day of going to the office, driving to a meeting, driving back to the office, working some more hours, leaving 20 minutes late, almost 2 hours to get home from the office. I finally get to the second to last turn I have to make. It is seriously like a 2-house long road before I turn again to my street. And there's a car parked on the right side, my side. No problem. That's normal. there was one pickup truck pulled over to the left, facing me. And then in front of me were brake lights. Attached to a car. Parked between the pickup truck and the parked car, talking to the driver. I get if you need 10 seconds to end your conversation. But when you carry it on to the point I am a minute in and about to yell "I just want to go home, asshole," well, that is something that....

 

 

 

The fact I had my window rolled down about to ask you to move, and I hear you say, "Well, I guess this dick doesn't want us to talk anymore," that made you 95% likely to be a deuschebag. So, he speeds up, turns left. I drive like normal, make my last turn, pull in the driveway and I'm home. I walk around my car to get my items out of the passenger seat and this cro-magnon level slow adult drives by my house, stares me down. Oooooooh. You scared me. I'm a dad, dummy. You probably are too. You also probably tailgate your son's tee ball game.

 

I am also sick of "Throwback Thursday." It is neat if you do that once in a while. But every Thursday? People are throwing back as far as 2008. Sorry, but unless you're 12 years old, that's not a major part of your life. I'd like to see my grandmother's Throwback Thursday with a picture that was taken in Sepia filter because that's all there was back then. Throw yourself back off my Facebook friends list.

 

That, ladies and gentlemen, is how you come full circle. Starting point, end point, transitions, pictures, John Wayne Bobbit jokes.

 

So, when will my next blog be? Will I actually take time to write anything? Well, FAT Tuesday is coming up, and for my longest running feature I look forward to previewing what I think will happen when the NFL free agency period begins. Also, I will try to get a recap of the birth of my son, any exciting fishing flops, and anything significant that happens to me that isn't football related. Thanks for reading.

Fat Batman vs the Empire State Building

 

Forward by The Great Jim Duba

We here at the Great Jim Duba are always looking for something fresh. I don't very much like to live in the past. Unlike this entry's guest author. A long time friend of mine David Octavius Bell is like a Peter Parker for invalids. A Clark Kent for derelicts. A mermaid to Aquaman. An elf to Santa Klaus. An asterisk to a swear word in a public comments section. A tack to the devil's chair. You get the idea. So, I'm sitting at home one day trying to live a normal life. Trying to forget the dastardly days of David "Ding Dong" Bell. All of sudden, the phone vibrates uncomfortably. Probably because I was sitting on it. I pull out the phone to see it is from "Bells Cells." It informs me he has come across an amazing story of triumph and Indian dudes. Sweat and socks. And sweat socks.

 

You see, there was an old timey super hero. Some thought perhaps he lost his way. No, he was just at a buffet. Everybody thought that Bane had broken Batman's back. The only thing that broke was his will power. The batwinged masquerade didn't come to an end but went from busting villains to buying vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry ice cream. Do you get what I'm saying? No? That's because you are a normal human being. That's because your life has afforded you no run ins with Chain Saw Charlie. No first time meetings where somebody is introduced as "The Original Lizard." You didn't know Dave Bell.

 

Bell, in his younger years (that being in his 20's as he is now twice that age, whatever it was) recorded a fraud of a super hero. He and his cast of friends who just recently found out they were not the father on Maury Povich were out looking to raise some Hell. Instead, what they came across was a local folk hero/anti-hero/antipasta loving hamburglar. This larger than life husky super hero gingerly stepped down out of a tree to approach Bell and his merry men. The best part was he had it on video. It was like if Jared Lorenzon was Batman's stunt double. Adam West Batman, not Christian Bale or even Val Kilmer Batman. This quiet storm of a hero forbade them from going any further, and the video glory was for all of us to see as we sat either drunk or high trying not to make fun of whoever else wasn't in the room.

 

That said, Fat Batman must have had enough of being Large Batman. He was too big for the Biggest Loser but too small for My 600 Pound Life. He needed to get back on track, but not on an actual track. He saw a chance, and Dave Bell received this exclusive story of...

 

Fat Batman vs the Empire State Building (by Faticus Baticus, the Fat Batman)

 

A few years back, I was watching Travel Channel.  It was a show about unique races.  One of the races on this show, was the Empire State Building Run-Up.  Basically it's a race up the stair wells of the Empire State Building.  86 floors to the top, and end at the Observation deck.  It looked pretty cool. That's a whopping 1,576 steps!

 

After watching the show, I looked to see when the race was, and it was a good 9 months away.  As time passed I forgot about the race, only to have it pop in my head here and there.  Once again I look and missed it again.  Fast Forward to Jan 6 2014.   It is 11:20pm EST, and something pops in my head to check out the site.  Open Lottery registration ended at Midnight that same night.   Talk about having to make a decision on the fly.  

 

Some thoughts go thru my head, and I decide to green light it.  I throw my name into the lottery!  A friend of mine also signed up, and we wouldn't know for 24hrs if we would be accepted.   The next day, I check my email.. yes Fat Batman is also tech savvy.  Check in the morning..nothing, check in the afternoon...nothing.  Finally around 7pm, I receive an email....jackpot.  I was accepted into the "open" field.  Unfortunately my friend was not selected.  This made me wonder how many people were even in this race. It turns out that only around 60 people were selected for the "Open" field. I officially lucked out big time.  411 people overall finished this race. However I cannot find a count on how many did not.

 

Now that I was in the race, I knew I would need to train.  But that never happened.  So now you have an "Average Joe" who has not participated in any sports or exercise in a good 4 plus years, entering the Empire State Building.  This is where it gets interesting.

 

Wearing my Batman shirt along with Batman under-armor socks, and some yellow shorts and some mid height basketball sneakers....I look like I'm ready for a pickup game of basketball and not a run.  Immediately I notice that every one in the "OPEN" field is an avid runner and pretty much look like a bunch of Steve Prefontaines(World Famous Runner).  What did I get myself into?????

 

I go to the check-in desk, and get my race bib.  I politely tell the woman that I need some instructions because I have never done this before. She tells me it's just like any other race check-in.  That's when I break the news to her that I have NEVER done ANY race before.  Her eyes pop open wider and has a smirk on her face now.  I call this the ... "your going to die in these stair wells and your too stupid to know it" look.  Now I'm getting really worried and nervous.  I am way in over my head.  I frazzled.  After some help from the bag check guy, I come up with a game plan.

 

Game Plan:  Act like I know what I'm doing.  So I go over to an open area and start stretching and talking with a few people.  And I figured I'd hang near the back of the pack when they line us up to race, that way that's less people to pass me, thus less demoralizing. 

 

During my conversations, it came across to me that "almost everyone walks" at some point in this race.  This was another blow to my psyche.  If these tip top shaped runners eventually resort to walking... this is no joke of a race.

They line us up.  10pm est is when my field started.  I position my self where I'm like 5 people from the back of the line.  Less people to see me fail, LOL.  I did notice their was a firefighter on the side, and it sounded like he was going to be the last person in the race.  He had his gear and all.  That's extreme.

 

For my heat, they released one person every 5 seconds in a single file line(other heats were not like this).  As I'm getting closer and closer to the start, they have people taking pictures.  I have people start saying " I need a picture of Batman" and "I like your shirt" and high fiving me.  This helps give me a boost of confidence.  The guy in front of me started out sprinting into the stairwell.   SOOOO not knowing any better... that's what I do.  

 

Up the steps I go.  Fat Batman is racing up the steps.  I'm passing people, thinking this is going to be fun.  But then Floor 8 hits.  I realize I need to pace myself.  I am now breathing heavy and my legs feel dead.  No spring left in them for skipping steps.   So I just went from jumping from every other step, to now standing still on the flat of the stairwell gasping for air.  

 

The saying "don't blow your load too early"...yeah I did that.  For the rest of the race my lungs were now playing catch up.  The rest of my race consists of walking.  But I am not the only person walking.. so that's at least a small positive.

Eventually everyone I had passed, regained their position and passed me.

 

Floor 20 comes and I'm huffing & puffing.  I need to stop again to catch my air.  Part of me is like... 66 more flights to go....I'm not making it.  I was debating in my mind whether to quit or not.  Mentally picture me.....arms leaning on a flat railing, with my head laying down on my arms as I'm breathing heavy.   If there was footage of this it would be both..... embarrassing and hilarious.

 

I continue.   Luckily they have water stations like every 30 flights, so I got a nice little water break just as my mouth was drying up.  When your breathing that heavy, you have to breathe out of your mouth a lot.  Another symptom was my nose was inflamed.  It was burning.  I was just hoping it wasn't bleeding.  Because I did not want someone to come and throw in the towel for me due to medical concern.

 

As I continue up the steps.  I come across someone I haven't seen yet.  An indian fellow right around my age.  He was beat too.  He also was competitive where he did not want me to pass him.  It's too early in the race for me to be in a pissing match when neither of us had any energy.  So I stayed close to him but didn't try to pass him. When he stopped for a breather, I did to.  We were pretty much walking buddies now.  It's funny because everyone tells you to use the railings to pull your body up and don't let your legs do all the work.  This guy didn't do this.  He did this crazy Frankenstein like thud up each step.  it was actually comical.  It's almost like he was adding extra punishment to his body. 

 

Besides flight 20, flight 40 was another flight that I was like "I don't know if I should continue".  Flight 40 isn't even half way.  These stairs can damage ones moral.   As I continue, I am getting tired of hearing the same heavy breathing noise out of my mouth, so now I start making different noises while letting out the breathes just to change up the monotonousness.  Pretty much few a few flights when I breathed out, I did the Ric Flair(of Pro wrestler fame) "Wooooooo".  I also contemplated taking off my shoes and doing the rest barefoot.  Weird thoughts go thru your head when your gasping for air and trying to make your life easier.

 

As me and my indian pal are continuing our race,  I start hearing something crazy.  I'm looking around.  What the hell is that noise.  It starts getting louder and louder.  It sounds like Darth Vader is in the stair well with us now. I'm all confused as to where it's coming from.   Then as I hit a flat I take a break, and the Fireman from earlier on in the lobby... he passed us both.  You got to be freaking kidding me!!!!!!   Fire boots,helmet, oxygen tank and all. But I wonder if that oxygen tank helped him.

 

Pretty much that was the sign that no-one else was behind me and the indian fellow.   We were the last 2 of the whole night.  As we are hitting certain floors, they have personal stationed with walkie talkies.  You hear them saying" yeah I see the 2 they are coming now", etc.    They probably had wagers on who would drop first.   Around floor 60  they had another water station.  Little signs like this bring moments of enjoy to me briefly.  At this floor is also when I saw the full body stretcher.  I can not recall if someone was on it or not as I had to turn the opposite direction.  Also around flight 60, we came across a very short flight of steps.  Normally a flight had 18 or 19 steps.   This particular flight did not. And it went quick,  and it gave me hope.  I thought, I guess since we are getting higher the floors are getting smaller.   I was dead wrong!!!!!!  It was just a dumb luck short flight.  The one and only of the 86 floors.

 

Finally around a floor in the 75 -77 range, I make my move.  I pass the indian guy.  I not only was going to finish the race, I WAS NOT COMING IN LAST!!!!!!  I hit floor 83 and I can hear noise in the stair well.  It was from the people by the finish line.  This gave me a much needed adrenaline rush.  I hit floor 86, and finish the race!   People are clapping and high fiving me.   They made you feel special.  It was pretty damn cool.  Then I got to look out onto NYC at night.  That was a great pay off.   Not many races you finish, you can then see such a beautiful view.  They also put a medal around your neck as well. 

 

The race was over, I'm looking out onto NYC, and wait to help cheer on my indian buddy( we never did exchange names).  Me and him were almost like celebrities as we were the last 2 of the night.  One thing I do want to point out.  Races started as early as 8pm, so even though I was one of the last few to finish on the night.  There were actually a handful of times that were longer than mine.  Just they had started earlier in the night, so we never crossed paths.

 

Looking back on the event, I can laugh at my lack of preparation for the race.  And I can say I am glad I did it.

 

By not training it made the race a lot harder than it needed to be for me.  So it brings great value to me to know I still hung in there for the times it was absolute hell.  I can always do it again and improve my time, but I can never replicate that absolute worst scenario again.

 

 

If I had to compare this to anything, I would say this.... It's like the first warm day you have of a year where you and some friends go down to the basketball courts.   You have soo many people there that you have to play full court even though you are not up to full court running shape yet.   After a few trips back and forth on the court.  You are winded.  The game ends shortly because everyone is tired.   Well take that tired winded feeling...and have you breathing like that for 30mins, all while having to stand and not sit down. 

Now who wants to sign up for 2015?

 

 

Dubademy Awards! The Second Annual "Because I Already Did the First Annual Which Really Should've Said Inaugaral" Dubademy Awards!

Have you heard of this new trend the kids are doing on Twitter now? They go around tweeting out the names of movies and ending them with “in my pants.” The top movies right now would include Frozen In My Pants, That Awkward Moment In My Pants, and the Ride Along In My Pants. In high school, we used to call one of our friends jewish, for no good reason, and that led to us inserting the word Jew into movie titles. Personal favorites included The Thin Red Jew, GI Jew, How Stella Got Her Jew Back, and Schindler’s List.

Last year, I predicted the Oscars and reviewed the nominees for Best Picture, without having seen them. Except for Life of Pi. Good movie, fun for the whole family. So, since I had so much fun doing it, I thought I would give it another go around. I will also throw in the “In My Pants” trend, and see if it truly works.

American Hustle In My Pants

I giggled at the thought of this one. Apparently, a con man and his dame get forced to work with the FBI to infiltrate the New Jersey Mafia. What is the obsession with mafia people? Everybody seems to enjoy portrayals of murderers and thugs. It’s weird to me. Maybe there is some humor in the way they talk, but glorifying the true criminals is stupid. That said, from a movie standpoint, I like most of the people involved. But Bradley cooper as anything but a sex symbol, I mean anything but a drunken dickhead in the Hangover movies has not been very appealing to me. Every time I see him on screen I expect him to say, “Dr. Faggot. Paging Dr. Faggot.” I like Batman, but hopefully he keeps his voice normal. Kim wants to see this movie, and we have been begging our movie dealer at the Laundromat to get it, but he doesn’t understand any English other than “Three for 10, six for 20.”

Captain Phillips In My Pants

This could’ve been a funnier title if it was Rear Admiral Phillips or Captain Woodrow. It is the story about how an American cargo ship was hijacked for the first time in 200 years. By Pirates. Who haven’t been relevant in Pittsburgh or the rest of the world since Captain Hook. It is a true story, and most everybody who can read now should remember the bubble boy boat that the real Captain Phillips was in tied off to the back of the boat and eventually brought to safety in. Basically, skinny hungry Somalian dudes with like 8 bullets in their guns walk onto a ship and take it over, presumably delaying the arrival of several smuggled drugs to another side of the world. Our country doesn’t negotiate with terrorists, but pirates are another story. I don’t really know the negotiations of the deal or how they got the ship back, but I imagine the captors wanted a skull and crossbones flag, parrots, wooden pegs, an odd number of eye patches, and bandanas. They also wanted the outdated word Swashbuckler removed from the dictionary and to have Tom Hanks play one of them in a biopic. Instead, Tom Hanks got the role of Captain Phillips and a cab driver got the lead pirate. I like the thought of this movie that they definitely say the title of it several times within the movie.

Dallas Buyers Club In My Pants

Nope. Doesn’t work. Long story short, the dream of every early 2000’s working man comes true when Matthew McConaughey gets AIDS. He tasks himself with going around the system to get other victims medicine. Jared Leto, that dude from that TV show and that band that you wouldn’t remember, plays some lady dude who is nominated for awards himself. In hindsight, “In My Pants” in a movie relevant to AIDS makes sense. This looks like it could be a good movie, maybe dramatic. People have conspiracy theories on AIDS as a weapon to wipe out certain types of people, but I will reserve my thoughts on that one. That said, and you can’t spell said without AIDS, this is another potential $3.33 purchase from the Laundromat.

Gravity In My Pants

Some people would like to think the opposite sex gravitates to what is in his/her pants. I know others are repelled. Synopsis and what I gather from the commercials/previews: George Clooney tries to date Sandra Bullock and they break up and he tosses her out in space. I read the whole plot reveal on this one and apparently Sandra Bullock uses like jet packs and other space stations to bounce around the stars. I saw a documentary at the Franklin Institute last year that showed how much space junk flies around the Earth and how dangerous it really is. I don’t know how the film crews and actors were safe in setting of the film and they should win just on their bravery alone. Wait, they did it on Earth? Can you see the wires attached to the actors like in a 1960’s movie or Superman movie? I am most interested in this movie out of all the others as it was highly acclaimed as very original. I already own the Laundromat version, but I must get Kim in an arm bar submission to be able to get her to want to see it.

Her In My Pants

Grammatically incorrect. Doesn’t work either. Maybe the secret to critical acclaim and success is to make a movie title that doesn’t work with the “In My Pants” trend. Let me try what I did in high school with my friends – “Jew.” Seems offensive. Basically, a terribly mustached Joaquin Phoenix falls in love with the chick who talks in his phone. That’s all I know. The commercials show Phoenix flittering around with his phone talking to it and being a weirdo to normal people. The only way this movie could end in my mind would be for him to receive third degree electrical burns in his lower half. Next.

Nebraska In My Pants

If we were to put states in my pants I would have to go with Delaware. It’s not the biggest state, but you can drive for hours on it, which you would never know until you do. This movie casts a bunch of people you never heard of and the IMDB movie poster has what appears to be the silhouette of a bald Albert Einstein. A drunk old man uses his estranged son to go from Montana to Nebraska to claim a lottery jackpot. I bet there are a lot of shots of grass fields, farms, silos, and road. I also imagine the plot like this: Dad finds son, son yells at his dad for leaving him, dad swears off drinking for help with a ride, dad and son resume conversation with occasional “you would’ve known this already if…”, dad blows up at son as to why he left him behind, dad falls back into boozing while son finds him passed out in a beer can riddled whore house, they get to Nebraska too late to claim the prize. That’s an M. Knight Shamalyan twist. Maybe in the end the father and son get back together as a family and the son introduces his kids to Grandpa.

Philomena In My Pants

Okay, now we are getting somewhere. It sounds like a transvestite hooker movie with that extended title. A journalist helps a woman looking for her son that was taken away from her after birth who was then forced to live in a convent.  Cool, but the lady waited “decades” to find him. Sorry mom, if you wanted to find me you wouldn’t wait 20+ years to find me. It also stars Judi Dench and this other British guy I have seen speaking about Phillip Seymour Hoffman. I don’t care. I would rather strain the muscles and bones in my arm to scrub my own back in the shower every night.

12 Years A Slave In My Pants

Is this about the guy in Ohio that kept women captive? Too soon? Long story short – a black man from New York state is kidnapped and sold into slavery. I assume approximately 12 years he was a slave. I am sorry, but I don’t need to be told a thousand times how terrible slavery was. How could somebody honestly look at a person and think they were meant to serve him and not entitled to their own life? Maybe if you made this “Tyler Perry’s 12 Years A Slave In My Pants” it would sound a little more appealing. I just don’t like black people struggle movies in a time I try to preach equality and the like. People need to move on. Maybe history books don’t do the atrocities of slavery any justice, but it doesn’t need to be made to boost the stock of aspiring screen play writers and movie makers. It’s like what wrestlers refer to as “cheap heat.” That’s when somebody who is the bad guy talks smack about the local sports team that just lost the big game. You want something to be called powerful, then portray a brutal time in American history. No desire to see this movie. I’m sure the actors did well, but c’mon.

The Wolf Of Wall Street In My Pants

Not a good working title. This is the true story about a wealthy stockbroker falling due to crime and corruption. I bet that good ol’ mafia is involved somehow. I just really don’t care. Jonah Hill playing up a stereotype to rub elbows with Leonardo DiCaprio seems like a reach to me. Maybe it’s a fun movie to watch. I hear that there is a lot of butthole exposed in this movie. Kim and I really don’t have much desire to see this. It may be just an HBO on demand or Netflix/Chromecast type movie for us. Which usually means one and done. The commercials make it seem like a whirlwind of a movie. It is 180 minutes long. That’s longer than I sleep straight through the night. I’m sure there’s 1 hour that can be removed.

There you have the nominees. And, the winner of the Best Picture In My Pants will go to…

12 Years A Slave In My Pants. I hope it is Gravity In My Pants, so I can defend my purchase of this movie at the Laundromat, but I feel this slave movie will tug at heart strings of the Oscar voters especially after they snubbed Oprah Winfrey for her movie about Benson In My Pants. 

Coming soon, the human highlight reel David Bell In My Pants will be guest writing his account of something he did in New York.

Duper Bowl! What I'm Most Looking Forward to This Sunday

There has never ever been, in my memory, a more important Groundhog's Day than this coming Sunday. The northeast has been pounded with weather known as "The Polar Vortex," or as I like to call it, "Winter." No matter how tough anybody, including myself, wants to talk, this winter has been ridiculously cold and the snow has been enough to be annoying. I really do like the cold, and enjoy working in that extreme weather, but I don't think my poor little Chevy Aveo was built for this. Oh yeah and Sunday is my birthday.

You would think that me being born on Groundhog's Day I would know the rules. I still don't know what happens if he sees the shadow. Six more weeks of people complaining? Six more weeks until I complain about the heat? This year, it only means one thing - Super Bowl Sunday!

This year you couldn't ask for a better matchup. I have reviewed it before, so I would just like to dive into what I did last year...

The Top 10 Things I'm Most Looking Forward To At Super Bowl XLVIII:

10. Making Jokes. I watch as much football as I can with Brandon. When his wife Mandi gets into watching the games, she and I share the same type of humor at our observations during a game. Last year the network did the fishbowl lens coming back from break once, and there was a lanky man walking through the shot smoking a long cigarette with an amazing mullet. That man was clearly not at the game but perhaps trying to get some free car stereos. Anywho, this guy was awesome relief.

9. Peyton Manning talk finally being over. I used to hate Peyton. But then I realized not everybody is going to be around forever. I appreciate him more as a Bronco than a Colt. Last year, he along with Adrian Peterson came back from devastating injuries to whoop the NFL's ass. Peyton only got better this year. He is true greatness, and that's the end of the discussion. But I have heard every argument over the past year about if he is the greatest, if he is overrated, if his stats are great or overinflated,  if he has a career in broadcasting/television/commercials/movies after this, if he will retire, should he retire, should he kill Papa John, is his brother (named Elisha) better, is he played out, where the fuck is Omaha, etc. That is what I'm most looking forward to ending.


8. Russell Wilson. This kid is dynamite. I've been watching his games with the Seahawks for the two years he's been in the league. He is the type of player that can only improve, but what he is is a true team player, a winner, a playmaker, and a leader. His throws are beauteous. If I had to watch the great Peyton Manning lose a chance at immortality, I would want it to be against Wilson.


7. Wes Welker's Gigantic Head. I have had enough of this ass-bag. His Old Spice commercials are odd, and he comes across as a disgruntled schmuck to me. He has already hone on record saying he would play through a concussion as long as nobody knew he was hurt. Good example, willing to scramble egg your brain for 60 minutes of glory. I do like his new gigantic helmet. Looks like the inflatable tunnel players run out of. It reminds me of the Bud Bowl. Just with a minuscule annoying man under the helmet. Anywho, he got blamed by Giselle Bunchen or whatever her name is for his last Super Bowl loss, I wonder if he will be called out again or carried out Rudy-style.


6. Crowd Noise. Maybe this will be the first Super Bowl I can remember seeing empty sears in. The people who go to the big game are presumably  more well off than you or me. They don't need to be there. Joe Shmoe from a Seattle suburb needs to be there, but he can't. The weather is all the rage this year as the game is held in one of the coldest parts of the country this year. The Twelfth Man is gone, replaced by corporate sponsors. The Seattle defense travels well, but that disruption would've benefited Seattle as Manning would have a hard time communicating his audible. I bet the crowd is more for Manning than the Seahawks.


5. Commercials. Duh. First, anybody who cried at the horse commercial by Budweiser last year should be eliminated. You cried at a beer commercial. Did you also have a strong opinion on what was better between "tastes great" and "less filling?" Last year there was little humor. I hope the commercials go back to their funny roots. If you cry during the upcoming Budweiser dog commercial, I'll hit you with a 2x4.


4. Joe Buck sounding stupid. It's inevitable. If he and Troy Aikman do one thing well, it's let a play develop on its own. They know when to be silent. if there's one thing Joe Buck does better than anybody else, it's how he seemingly is always trying to get as close as he can to Troy Aikman and/or stare directly at his crotch. It's true. There should be a prop bet of "How Many Times will Joe Buck Break Eye Contact With Troy Aikman To Stare At Troy Aikman's Balls" with an over under of 12.5. What would be the distance in the broadcast booth between Buck and Aikman? Over under of 1.5 feet. One will be the under, the other is the over. Trust me. Joe Buck has no emotion at all when he talks.


3. The Legion of Boom. I hate the name, but I love how they play. Always have. The fact they lost Brandon Browner earlier this year to a suspension, and got better, should tell you that they are one of the deepest blackest units out there. Eagles fans still stupidly pine over Earl Thomas, but that dude is fantastic. All four starters are fantastic, whether they yap their mouths or not. I don't care about the trash talk. Richard Sherman put them in the spotlight that maybe they otherwise wouldn't have been on. The Jets were underdogs for several weeks in a row, made the playoff runs to the AFC Championship games in back to back years a couple years ago. Nobody cared until Bart Scott was asked about facing the Patriots the next week. His reply? "CAN'T WAIT!!!!!" Then people cared, and loved it. The best secondary (and defense) against the best offense. It will be great to see their weapons.

2. The Denver Offense. Seriously it is a treat to watch Peyton Manning play. The defense runs through his decision making and his performance depends on his guys getting open. They are the most prepped team on game day. I think the Broncos will learn pretty early they cannot run well, but eventually Montee Ball will step up big and surprise the world. Remember, Knoshown Moreno got hurt two weeks ago, leaving with a rib injury. He may cry his way into playing time, but he may not be effective enough. Montee Ball would play for a spot that won't allow Knoshown back on the team next year. The pass could be usurped by the run in the second half and throw everybody off-kilter. It will be interesting as I think the only way the Broncos can move the ball effectively will be via bubble screen, pitches, or cross routes in the middle of the field and praying that a receiver can be in stride right behind the linebackers. That's how they can win.

1. Marshawn Lynch. I don't care what he says. I don't care about Skittles. I don't care about "Beast Mode." What I love about this guy is his drive and strength. When he is tackled, he is the last one to move. He never gets up and taunts anybody. He just goes back to the huddle. Occasionally he smiles or jumps onto a teammate, but usually more so when his teammate succeeds. He has a built in reputation that he can go on a "beast mode" run at any moment, and it's awesome to watch when it is happening. I hate the name, but I love the player. He is the kind of guy every team wishes they had. He is the key to the game. Win or lose, Marshawn Lynch will be the Super Bowl XLVIII MVP.

So, what do I think will happen in the game itself? First Quarter, the Broncos will be down, 7-3. Halftime, Broncos up 17-7. Third Quarter, Broncos up 20-13. Fourth Quarter, and the final score? 26-20. Now...who is the winner?

Yup. I truly think that Marshawn breaks off two great "Beast Mode" runs. And Wilson gets himself a touchdown to Harvin or Baldwin, with a failed two point conversion. So, let's hope some of those scores happen, so I can win some box pool money. Last year I was off by one or two points in each direction, but I was pretty damn close to the total. I see a low scoring game compared to what these teams have been capable of putting up. I just hope the game is actually as exciting as everybody thought the NFC Championship game was. I thought that was a sloppy game, but the ending was great. I hope for a great one through and through, like the Giants - Patriots games or the Green Bay - Steelers game was a few years ago.

There you have it...Super Bowl XLVIII will be won by Seattle, 26-20.