The Car of the Future, Future Accidents Waiting to Happen

So, first check out this article...

Somehow Google Thinks Blind People Should Drive.

Read the comments, I think there are some good ones in there (even a little nugget from me).

I believe this is a terrible idea. This irritates me to no end, actually. It is not like an argument of rights like giving women the right to vote, gay people the right to marriage, or black people basic human rights. We were always taught that driving is a privilige, not a right. Part of the requirements when you get a license is to take an eye exam. That right there should prevent this from happening.

Now, I am not heartless. I could never understand what it is like to run through life with any disability. I could not ever imagine losing one of my senses. However, just because it is a sad situation does not mean that this type of disability should be allowed to operate a car. This concept really scares me. Maybe the Machines will rise soon, after all.

I don't know. If I was blind, I don't think I should drive a car.

Who Are The Ad Wizards Who Came Up With This One?

Ok. So I drove past an audio/video specialist installer retailer company van on Route 70 this afternoon. This picture was on the side of the van. The back of the van had a picture of a woman with a remote control (I know I know, Russia - why wasn't she holding an iron instead, right) with the greatest look of glee on her face. She was almost in ecstasy. I got that picture. She is so stunned by the quality of her home theater now that she nears climax with the click of a remote. We have all been there.
So, what do three multicultural kids have to do with it? It isn't like they are doing anything related to their tv. Maybe they are listening to some stunning music from the fresh beat band or them Wiggles guys? You can't see the music and that's a scientific fact. The kids seem to be having a nice game of "popcorn monster" going on. Otherwise, I am completely flabbergasted about the relevance of the picture to what they are selling.
Whenever I see a superfluous use of kids in ads I always find it a little creepy (I know I know, Russia-why are these kids not knitting babushkas in a factory somewhere?). It is not even a kid product - like a video game or a movie like Riki Tiki Tavi playing - displayed on that TV. Are they trying to attract the pedophile market? I appreciate wanting to understand your demographic, but don't be that blatant.
That's all for now. Just wanted to test out my email blogging capabilities.

GLOBAL DOMINATION!

After I posted my last blog, I just saw that I have now entered South America! Welcome Brazil! You guys got NUTHIN' on my second home country - Russia. If you want that honor, spread the word!
-Jim Duba

Rocks Papers Scissors Contest - I Have a Good Friend Named Puddin'

Well folks, at the beginning of the month I put up a post on my regular Facebook page (just regular ol' Jim Duba) that asked people to participate in a "Rock Paper Scissors" contest. The loser would be humiliated, a tie would produce my fortune for that person, and a win would result in heaps of praise.

Mandi Lynne Barrett

I had struggled mightily with what my selection is. I think people would see me as a rock kind of guy, so I tried to mix it up and decided on paper. Mandi Lynne Barrett was the first brave soul to throw down - her choice? Paper.

Mandi is a friend who married my other great friend Brandon at the point of a shotgun. But that is her past. Let us get to her future...

She is an amazing cook who produces some of the most unique tastes in my mouth, and her hand in the great General Tso's Pizza meal will go down as an all time favorite. However, after years of visiting Brandon and Mandi at their home in Maple Shade, I noticed she has a strong affinity for dogs. So much so that she had (and maybe still does) a daily pop-up calendar called "Stuff on my Mutt." It resulted in several hilarious pictures of dogs, large and small, fat and starving, in costume garb. Therefore, I think that Mandi will one day on an animal rescue shelter. Perhaps specifically a shelter for dogs, but I cannot imagine her limiting herself to that. This is not any other shelter. It will be a rescue shelter for those dogs who do NOT get dressed in costumes by their owner. Perhaps it could even be a reality show where Mandi has a side business in the shelter of getting dogs adopted - but they come in costumes - and Mandi teaches owners about decorating their animals or provides a service that dresses up dogs for special occasions. I think I have seen her rat terrier as a lobster before and it was pretty hilarious. She could call the show "Pimp my hide," "Dolling Up Doggy," "Mandi's Mutt House." Maybe you could open up Brandon's bakery ("Brandough") next door.

Joseph Nardone

Joe, who is my lovely girlfriend's older brother, unfortunately threw rock. Therefore, he lost, and this contest totally backfired. You see, Joe is a war hero, and has two great kids that Kim absolutely adores. I like them, too, as they are really cute and seem to like me. I was deeply bothered by Joe's tossing of the rock. With this blog, I know I am kind of like Spiderman (or perhaps more like Ant Man) - with great power comes great responsibility. I mean, all over the WORLD, people will know Joe as whatever I label him as. And as somebody who has raised our nation's flag across that world, I was conflicted and even thought of voiding the contest. But that is not my style.

 I asked Kim what I could say about her brother that would not put a rift in the family or embarrass one of our nation's finest. She gave me a list of things. I asked her if she should check with her brother on some of them, and she figured that if she thought she should have to check, I probably should not write it. Oh boy, what now? If it was one of my other friends I could rattle off a story from the top of my head that would serve as embarrassment. This, however, had to be played differently.

The last time I saw Joe was a couple weeks ago I think at his father (also named Joe) birthday party. I would not reveal the results as nobody had yet thrown scissors. The family was all their - Joe and his kids, Kim and Prince Rocco, Grandma and Grandpa Nardone, and assorted aunts uncles and cousins. Grandma Nardone was absolutely key in the story I shall tell.

I think Joe come to the house directly from his monthly drill session. He was relaxing with his kids after we all stuffed ourselves with what seemed like acres of food. Joe and I are just shooting the breeze. All of a sudden, Grandma Nardone comes by and interrupts us to ask how Joe was and before he could answer she asks him, "So does the military make you cut you hair like that?" Joe kind of laughed it off and said it was his choice, and he got up to check on his kids or to mingle. As he left, Grandma Nardone whispered, "Poor thing." She then proceeded to tell me that my hair cut was way better (but little did she know that my hair one time looked very much like Joe's, but alas I know my current look will always be my best option - I can't polish a turd).

Joe, for the record, your haircut is fine.

New Buddy Mike aka Puddin' aka Michael Lawrence

You know why Mike is a good man? When I declared on Facebook that I needed somebody to scissor me, he was the first to respond. He knew the innuendo I was insinuating when I announced that and he took the chance anyway - knowing that he would be the one to agree to "scissoring" me as well as having an uncertain future. I have known him for a couple of years, met him actually right before he got married to lovely Victoria. The two are now joined as an amazing little (literally) family with their newest addition Connor as well as mainstays - their two dogs (I know one is named Pepper).

So, when I think back on Puddin', what do I like most about him? First of all, we are the same size. It is always nice to have someone of my same ilk with me when I am out and about. It is relieving sometimes to look over at somebody else who is not five years old and ask, "Can you reach that?" - knowing that they can't, either. Second, the fact that he has embraced the name "Puddin'" for years. I believe the origin of the name was when Brandon or perhaps Ed declared that he was the softest looking white dude we ever met or softest pile of white stuff we ever saw. I am not sure. I will not post his picture out of respect to him and my viewers, but if I could compare him to one celebrity, it would be the pie f-er from American Pie:

Maybe that's what Mike looked like a few years back, back when he was known simply as "New Buddy Mike." I will never forget, maybe a couple weeks before his wedding, Mike and I having a conversation about marriage one night at the Coast Line. Indeed, the most reflective of locales. I had hit some major bumps in my marriage that eventually led to an ending, but at least I was able to be honest on my views of what didn't work, why I think it didn't work, and what I would hope for myself and my friends in the future. After hearing out Mike, I knew he loved his then-future wife and he was ready for that huge leap. I was happy for him.

Mike has been a great father from what I have seen, too. He always makes sure he has put his sons cage away before guests arrive. Just kidding there. He ALWAYS leaves it out. Again, I kid. It has always been a feel-good moment for me when I see that some of my closest friends and family and Joe "Grandma Don't Like My Haircut" Nardone have a kid(s), and see that kid(s) look up to their fathers. Seeing his interaction with his son and Puddin' constantly rooting for Connor at whatever he does indeed warms my heart.

Puddin' is also a good sport. Willing to try things just to be a part of the group and hang with the guys. He allowed us (well most of us, minus me) to stomp all over him in Fantasy Football. I liked Mike so much I decided to let him beat me one week. Yeah, that's it! I LET him beat me!

Anywho, Mike is one of the all-around best guys on the planet. He helped me haul up a two-bedroom apartment's worth of stuff I have not touched in a year into a storage unit far from home. He would always have my back if I was up against a wall. He reassures me that it is okay to be below average height and that WE TOO can succeed. He always asks how I am, with legitimate interest, concern, and good will. Mike, I am thankful to have a friend like you.

You would also make the supreme stunt double for me if my blog was ever turned into a movie.

Thanks for reading this. New contest coming soon to get a blog post written about yourself.

To Lose, or Not To Lose, That is the Question Weighing On My Mind

The picture above is cropped scan of a regular paper copy of a picture of me striking my victory pose. Yes, the man behind me really is that tall that his shoulder is equal to my head. It is the picture that was taken before my notorious "Winner" picture that is all over my blog and my app. I was crowned with the winner medal because I won, no, dominated and obliterated the competition in my company's Biggest Loser contest. I scorched EVERYBODY throughout the company who participated, losing like 44 pounds in 10 weeks. The contest ended I think right around the 4th of July last year.

When the contest was over, I decided to start lifting heavy weights again. It was tough getting back into the swing of it, but as I restarted my heavy lifting I continued my winning diet. However, lifting heavy weights first thing in the morning really kicked my metabolism in the ass and I had to consume more. At first it was just more of my diet, but then that turned into losing my discipline and allowing myself to eat anything, as long as it was in some form of moderation (at least in my mind) the result is I regained about 20 pounds, but I feel half of that is muscle, and the other is stomach.

So, sounds like I could be in good shape to at least particpate in the contest again and improve how I feel and try to maintain the diet again. I am 32 years old, and my reasons for powerlifting anymore get less and less - other than the fact I just simply enjoy it. But, after nursing pain in my shoulder in the gym all week from 15 minutes at a batting cage with Rocco this past weekend, combined with the fact I sneezed while curling today (and it made me feel like my stomach turned 360 degrees) makes me wonder if I need to rechange everything. I would like to maintain the strength I have while increasing my muscle endurance. This should be easy to combine with regular, not extreme, weight loss, right?

Keep in mind I also have some sort of mystery going on inside my stomach. I am currently advised by two doctors to NOT eat vegetables, fruits, and/or nuts until I am properly diagnosed. Most of my award winning diet involved those three items. I take supplements for what I miss from eating these items, but can I risk eating less regular meat and potatoes (I know it is a vegetable but it does not hurt me)?

If all things were normal, I think I could manage this diet contest. I think I could initially drop a decent amount of weight. Last time, I consistently lost weight from week to week, ranging from 2 to 9 pounds. Our office led all other offices since Week 1. My contributions reflected a consistent positive weight loss number for our office, which several other offices accused us of cheating. No cheating, just Duba.

I also think my motivation (i.e. bragging like douchebag) - which included me ordering one contestant to spit out her chocolate and admonishing others for my back pain (a result of carrying the team on my back) - helped spur everybody else around me. I knew I could win, and I did. I do not like to lose, unless by lose you mean lose enough weight to win the contest.

So, with a couple extra pounds to lose, but so far with restrictions on my diet which basically restricts me to NO diet, is it a good idea that I participate? Ultimately only my body and I know this answer. I am leaning towards doing it, but I just cannot say it 100%. I am the Bret Favre of weight loss.

COMING SOON...

The blog generated from the rocks-papers-scissors contest. Remember I will do the following:

Emberrass a War Hero and my lovely girlfriend's brother - Joseph Nardone

I will predict the future of one of the finest cooks I know - Mandi Lynne Barrett

I will heap praise and desire for accolades to my vertical twin - Michael "Pudding, New Buddy" Lawrence

Duba Awkward Moments

So, I saw an Asian guy at the gym this morning wearing an all yellow outfit. Naturally my mind wandered to thinking about how a racist person would see that and think to him/herself, "I knew them there Asians were yellah!" (said in southern accent). That made me think of an awkward moment one of my friend's brothers put us in, but that story will be for another day.

Therefore, I want to chronicle some of the more awkward moments I have had (as you can imagine I have had several - most recently giving my condolences to someone for the loss of her brother only for her to tell me thanks but her son died) that have a story behind them.

My first tale begins in I believe the year 1999 or 2000. I don't remember though. Either way, it was a Labor Day weekend of partying at TCNJ one night and heading to Rutgers the next night. Tim met us at TCNJ, and we went to some crazy party. Then, Tim took Anderson, Landis, and me back to Rutgers with him in anticipation to go to another party.

It was some group that Tim knew, and they were all nice. Anderson as always was topless I believe and was macking on some girl, as always. The drinks were going down like a Russian mail order bride grateful to be in the United States (just kidding I love my Russian Readers). We were playing what I believe was a game of "Asshole" - which I indefinitely won.

The host of the party had this pretty attractive girlfriend who was pretty cool and we were busting each others' chops all night long. So we are playing cards while the girl is sitting on her boyfriend's lap. It was now pretty late into the party. Lo and behold I look at the girl and notice a smudge on her face. Amidst all the surrounding noise of complete strangers talking, I say quietly, "Hey I think your mascara is running." She did not hear me as I was trying not to call out her facial problem to the masses. Her boyfriend must have heard me and he was giving me the hand across the neck - say no more gesture. I repeated myself and got louder until she heard me and she said something to the effect that she did not have mascara on. I then proceeded to outline the blemish. She then cried and yelled, "That's my birthmark you asshole!" Little did I know that the whole party had just witnessed me outline a girl's barely noticeable birthmark. I think we left like 20 minutes after that. However, our man Anderson stayed behind.

This resulted in another awkward moment involving him breaking a table while making out with a girl from the party house. Apparently, he got so hot and heavy he somehow kicked up the table glass and it smashed upon descent. That killed everything and he slept alone on the couch only for the girls at the house to start yelling at him first thing after the sun came up. Poor guy. We didn't get his call for like 2 or 3 hours to pick him up immediately. We picked him up, a battered man, lucky to escape with our hides.

Football! International Flavor! Apptastic!

(courtesy of United Nations)

So, quickly, in the world of everything that interests me:

The Saints are in a huge hole. They lost their coach for a year, Drew Brees could hold out, they lost 2nd round picks this year and next, and up to 27 players will be investigated by the NFL.

I forget what team he is on, but Gregg Williams must now be replaced.

Tim Tebow is going to make Mark Sanchez into the next Kyle Orton in New York.

I have had readers consistently from the US, obviously, Russia, the United Kingdom, Germany, and the Ukraine. The countries Australia, Malaysia, Canada, Portugal, and Senegal have had a dalliance or two to my blog as well. That leaves just two more continents left for me to conquer - South America and Antarctica! (I believe Malaysia should be considered Asia, right?) Can YOU say you have been seen on all seven continents? Help me achieve my goal. This spring, when I go to North Carolina for the Mee-Armstrong wedding, I will put a message in a bottle (make that TWO different messages and TWO different bottles) into the ocean to spread the word. Hopefully by then, word will have reached.

I may have a pretty weak App available (just a modified website) - but it has exclusive content (youtube movies, a fistful of my favorite songs, my own personally recorded music, and more to come!) and it updates as the blog is updated. I have been downloaded just a few times, from jimduba.mobapp.at ,and one of those times was in Israel! Mozel!

Prestige Worldwide!!!

Join the bandwagon TODAY!

Sports Radio-How Do You Screw Up Talking About Sports?

Okay, I may be a little hypocritical here...I actually enjoy some SOME sports radio when they are breaking news, and that is mostly breaking news about the Eagles. This time of year, with March Madness, provides for some of the stupidest radio.

For example, 97.5 the Phanatic has a "Field of 64" of phrases, sound effects, radio personalities, and callers. Some of the callers have their phrase incorporated as well. I heard one whole hour of it the other day while free agents everywhere in the NFL were getting signed and the Eagles signed some of their own. It would be nice to hear a discussion of the future of my local team. But instead I heard two crappy announcers debate if "what up?" should be allowed since Jose is already in the tournament. Who of you who listen to this actually care enough to vote about it? Then this past weekend I was running back and forth to the laundromat and heard a tournament of 32 wrestlers. A person would call in and give their choice over the pairing of a new school wrestler and an old school. There is no basis for any of these decisions and I am stuck listening to these two hack weekend announcers debating why the guy picked Randy Orton over Roddy Piper. We all know Piper would win anyway, but I don't want to hear it debated on my local sports radio when all 4 home teams are in the news.

So, that is just one minor thing I cannot stand, but that is seasonal. I also cannot stand the two sports radio stations during the summer when only baseball is the current sport. This is more of the callers than the shows as the shows will be dictated by what is going on with the Phillies. I cannot tolerate caller after caller saying the Phillies need more offense and this guy is the answer when he is doing good and he is not the answer when he is doing bad. Howard Eskin was my favorite during this time, because he would put an end to that type of drivel before his whole show was dominated by it. But alas, he is gone into radio obscurity now. 97.5 has "Talking Baseball with Dutch" that often turns into a recap of what Darren Daulton has been up to since his last weekly show and describing his resurgence in the public eye. It is quite dull if you ask me.

I cannot stand the following local sports radio personalities:

Anthony Gargano - The way he says "That's awesome cuz...aw that's awesome" really irritates me. A caller will talk about how one time Cliff Lee slapped him five and Anthony Gargano turns into a deep voiced shrill woman that I immediately change the channel on. I also do not like his deep sports history references. I understand they play to a wide demographic, and I accept that, but his deep gushing about these legends makes me want to vomit. When he goes on with these appreciation stories it sounds like one half of a couple that says stuff like "I love you shmoopie doopie loopie". 

Tony Bruno - I understand he is supposed to be a light hearted yet tough guy. He has a national radio show where he is advertising sports talk but rather makes sexual innuendos all night with some haggard stripper by his side. If you are ever on the road between 10-11 p.m., you will listen and hope to hear something sports related. Tony, you are not a Howard Stern of sports, and some times he comes across as desperate in this show. However, during the day, his lunch time show is okay. Again, light hearted, but sometimes the guys around him and the subsequent interaction is too much for me to care about and follow.

Both stations' night shift guys - After the main afternoon/end of the day drive time guys are done, there seems like each station has a one hour, tune out to other things type of shows. I admit, I like the Mike Missanelli (sp?) show from 5:45 to 6. He does "Soundoff" where he will play voicemails and respond to them over the air. Sometimes you get the same thing, but I am interested his split second reactions. People do get carried away with this whole "is this a violation" thing. More on that later. What follows this usually interesting 15 minute block is some guy I have heard a hundred times but still cannot remember his name. I just know that I listen to him because he pisses me off. You know how you will hear a show or watch somebody on TV on purpose because he/she pisses you off? This is my current hate guy. He is so rude to callers and has this sort of nasally voice that has a splash of arrogance as well. He actually told a woman once she should just stay on her back all night rather than roll over to grab the phone to call him. I like shock, but not when it is not warranted.

ESPN Sports Center Radio from 5 to 6 a.m. - This Jay Glazer fellow has the WORST delivery of a news story. I do not need sarcasm in every story. I do not need your voice to go up and down more times than Russia's history of czars or any other type of roller coaster. He sounds like what I think the word "smarmy" means. That is what I really do not like about ESPN. Once Chris Berman came on to the scene, he had something witty to say. It was actually fresh and entertaining. But as he got older, so did his schtick. Combined with the fact that every person who sits in that studio does the same thing, all the way down to your syndicated radio reporter, I find ESPN to be intolerable. 

I am fortunate to have options. I guess I should have started off by saying I do enjoy talk radio. No radio stations play the music I like, so that is why I have my iPod filled with a meniscus of mp3s. I only like talk radio I deem entertaining or informative. Rush Limbaugh calling some public figure a slut and spitting hate to democrats is not entertaining, and some for democratic radio. I love Howard Stern - though I realize his style has varied for even just the past 12 years I have heard him. When I have heard everything there is to hear of his show or he is in a commercial break, I go to these local sports radio shows for some relief. Alas, it tends to be during the times the above things I hate are on the radio. Or commercials. Oh THAT'S where Howard Eskin went!

You know what is weird? Amoebas. And New York Sports Radio. I get the (dis)honor of driving up to North Jersey quite frequently and I tune over there to hear about the New York Sports teams. They have basically two of every team for every major sport. The New York accents and abrasiveness can be too much at times, but overall they just talk sports with enough ball-busting done at a level where even the random to casual listener is in on it. However, their downfall, as an example, is one day I will tune in and immediately hear something like "Thank you for that stimulating call, Nunzio." I am sure it was not. They, too, suffer from the baseball boredom, and it is mostly about how old A-Rod and Jeter are and how fat Sabathia is.

You know who does sports radio right? NFL Radio on SiriusXM. Yes, they have their cast of callers and inside jokes, sometimes the over the top guffawing with laughter that seems forced, and silly what if scenarios. However, they also have legends, current players, former players, reporters, and informed callers. They do not allow one aspect of a major topic or a minor topic go on for too long. And some of the announcers can get you excited simply for a crackled "live via cell phone" interview. 

It almost feels like, in Philadelphia at least, that anybody can have a show. I think 97.5 actually had a contest where a listener could get a one hour show for a year or something like that. If you hear some of these guys throughout the day talk on their shows, where they act like they are breaking new ground, it would sound just like those guys who talk at the gym rather than work out. It is bad enough I have to shower with those guys, let alone listen to them on the radio when all I want to hear about are my local teams.

}} VC\

Welcome, Canadians!

Awwww...The Denver Broncos!

So, after months of hype, weeks of reality coming to fruition, and days of eager anticipation, Peyton Manning has chosen to become a Denver Bronco. This may not be a huge suprise as you have what I consider a really good tough-minded defense oriented head coach John Fox (who can now focus more on the defense and let Manning control the offence), a decent defense, a rejuvenated run game, and a hungry team in a rather winnable division. Same could be said for if he chose the 49ers and arguable the Titans.

However, now this has major implications for the following people:

Alex Smith - Once he learned that the 49ers worked out Manning who was playing catch with Jim Harbaugh, he got ticked. He may take his mediocre talents to South Beach. Reportedly, the Niners issued a contract to Smith that he has not signed. He must have known something was up. He did not sign the contract, then finds out his team came in as runner up to the Peyton Manning Sweepstakes. That would stick in my crawl too. Smith is reportedly negotiating as I type with the Miami Dolphins and can probably finish his mediocre to below average career there, rather than with a team that was a flubbed punt return away from the Superbowl (and several missed pass opportunities that rarely get mentioned anymore). The 49ers tried to be cute, and it may just cost them their future. This does not affect their defense, but if you aren't scoring points and moving the ball, you won't win. Alex Smith should stay in San Francisco, but he probably won't.

Tim Tebow - Well, he is up on the block to be traded, after several quarterback niches have been filled across the league. The Redskins threw the house at the Rams for a rookie. Miami would fit, popularity wise. However, a guy who came from the Packers who is responsible for that sick offense can't do the same thing Tebow. I saw somewhere that the Eagles could be a good fit, but I can't imagine what I would want to give up for somebody who would go from a first round pick/starting QB sensation/fad to a backup or possible 3rd string quarterback behind Trent Edwards. Jacksonville's new ownership allegedly has a door wide open for Tebow, but that would have to be determined. Who knows, maybe Cleveland could have something to offer Denver for Tebow. They need a quarterback and the Broncos would need some youth/help in their secondary. The 49ers could maybe use him if Smith goes away, but that would be regressing for a team that was on the cusp and outshot the Saints in the playoffs.

Matt Moore - I think he was serviceable last season and with propery coaching he could be a legitimate starter. However, with Brandon Marshall gone, yet a young core of receivers at his disposal, he can still sling under the direction of Philbin. However, with a starting QB negotiating with his team who just led his potentially former team to an NFC championship game, Moore could be sent back to the bench. He must have had a roller coaster of emotions since this is what happened: Chad Henne took off, then Moore was in line to start; Manning comes to town, and Moore is back to the bench; Manning says no to the Dolphins, and Moore is back to starter; and finally Alex Smith negotiates with the team, and Moore is back to the bench. Also, throw in the potential of Matt Flynn coming to town, and that was one more up then back down for Moore. By my estimation, that means Matt Moore went from starter to backup maybe up to 4 times before the Draft was even held.

Matt Hasselback - He is an all around team player and in my mind a solid leader for Tennessee. He had (on the surface) no qualms with Manning coming to the Titans. He understands what it brings to his team and that he could learn from his fellow veteran (although he probably would have been traded). I do think he would be the least-miffed potentially impacted quarterback in this whole drama. Jake Locker will still get to learn how to lead an offense while relying on a solid run game and how to deal with back injuries for the short term with Hasselback. MH also gets to throw deep to a recovering Kenny Britt and some up and coming/up and down receivers this coming season. The Titans have a chance to threaten some teams this year, in my opinion.

Also filed under "in my opinion" - Kenny Britt should have forged Peyton Manning's signature on a Titans contract.

So, since I am soooooooo awesome at predicting football, I see the following domino:

Tebow goes to Cleveland for their first round pick, where the Broncos will select the only good receiver - that Blackmon kid - and start immediately.

Alex Smith might make the mature decision and stay in San Francisco.

The Dolphins struggle to get one cheer in any of their home games.

(This post was in leu of my upcoming "Why Sports Radio Sucks" column...stay tuned!)

So Yeah, 21 Jump Street Is The Best Comedy I have seen in a While

As Crackhead Bob would say, 21 Jump Street was "Dawesome. Totally Dawesome." Don't worry my Russian friends, I did not see the original version of 21 Jump Street either. This movie was not meant to make fun of the original show, but rather resurrect the idea of two bonehead cops going into an undercover program at a local high school. And make it vulgar and hilarious as possible. I thought the movie was going to be funny based on the commercials. However, what I watched for nearly two hours was ridiculous.

The movie had so many hysterical, tears from my eyeballs laughing fits that when the story took about 10 minutes to develop towards the end I do not know if I was either wiped out or bored. The final scenes are kind of funny for a high speed chase.

Jonah Hill can say anything funny. And for a guy who was just nominated for an Oscar, he certainly played his comedic character to the hilt. But, the star to me, without a doubt, was Channing Tatum, followed by the gym teacher (the "BAM" guy from Step Brothers). There is a scene where the two cops take the drug that has plagued the high school, while attending classes. Channing Tatum's trip was unbelievable and ultimately leads him to diving head first through a gong. It does not sound very funny, but man it was great.

Aa series of high school high jinx occur, and the cops are a little bit clueless to the way high schoolers are these days. They also start to infiltrate the drug ring yadda yadda yadda. Jonah Hill, who was a dork in high school becomes popular as Channing Tatum's character goes from awesome jock to obscure nerd.

The gym teacher meets the cops (posing as their student alter egos) during their trip. He pushed the boys' tongues back into their mouths as he pokes fun at Jonah Hill.

I really do not know how to say what I liked about this movie without making it sound bad. It was hilarious.

That is my expert review.

Am I Terrible or What?

My free agent predictions....were way off. The Redskins continue to suck the life out of the NFL and nobody is doing a DAMN THING ABOUT IT! And Tampa Bay is the 2012 Eagles. I guess their team can't really do worse than last year. Meanwhile, the Eagles started shoring up some players for the next few years while they have waived goodbye to others in the past (see Dawkins, Brian). Maybe they finally realize established home grown veterans are important finally.

Thankfully, Jason Campbell is not an Eagle, as one blogger hoped for. I hate that turtle neck wearing doofus (although in a pinch I used him in fantasy last year). Reggie Wayne stayed with the colts as he realized teams don't want him anymore. Brandon Marshall gets to be stabbed by his wife in Chicago now. Mrs. Marshall - the real Cutler. Matt Flynn is seeing the Seahawks and Cleveland is okay with everything they have and lack, apparently.

That's all for now. Once again, I am wrong
-Jim Duba

FAT Tuesday Begins in 12 hours!

 Well folks, the greatest NFL off-season event is about to take place as teams begin to shape themselves up for the upcoming season. I am talking about the FAT - Free Agent Tuesday. Starting at 4 p.m., teams can offer contracts to players not bound by their current (or recently former) team. Last year, due to the NFL lockout, free agency was cut short by several months and when it opened up finally, the Eagles opened up their pocket books and manpurses to buy themselves the best 8-8 team of ALL time.

Now, hopefully the Eagles have calmed down. The most coveted prized free agents around the league are not necessarily needed by the Eagles but rather wanted by the city of Philadelphia. For any true Eagles fan to say they are happy with the current team, well, you would not be a real Eagles fan. First, you have to realize the state of the team, and that no matter what you wanted at the end of last season (or seasons past for that matter), we are stuck with who we are stuck with. I am going to provide my general thoughts on the upcoming FAT Tuesday, regardless of how it woud benefit the Eagles or not. Also, please be advised that I have no experience playing football, I do not follow college football and am clueless on draft day (aside from the big names), and I have been whoopified the past couple years in fantasy football.

So, now that the disclaimers are done, without further aduba, I present to you:

Duba's Misguided Free Agent Thoughts

Peyton Manning (or more like the Colts) turned this free agent period into a one man show. Even if Vincent Jackson signs on to the Patriots and delivers a baby while rescuing orphans and puppies from burning buildings while being shot at by terrorists along the way, people would still be talking about Manning. And why not? If you read this far you already know who he is. So, where do I think he will end up? I think that he would best be served in Arizona. The Cardinals can let Kolb go into oblivion and use his money to pay for Peyton. Manning to Fitzgerald all season long, while tutoring John Skelton? And increasing the running game for Beanie Wells at the same time? And the Cardinals could maybe trade Kolb away to get some defense back. Cleveland is desperate and they had one of the best pass defenses in the league last year the Cardinals can pillage from. I am shocked to hear that the Broncos are strong contenders. Where's your messiah now, Tebow? I think he is in Miami, returning home after his visit with your team. I think health wise, exposed to the mile high environment in a potentially brutally cold climate could tweak the injuries of the older Peyton. Which would make Miami an excellent choice. They have improved their run game and have a solid defense. They also have a decently talented core of receivers that could grow if Reggie Wayne comes by. However, I saw Chad Henne do well given his circumstances and then Matt Moore proceed to improve as well. Without their soft former head coach to run them back into the ground, the Dolphins could have a decent chance on their own. Plus, who would not want to see Manning-Brady two times a year?

Man, I have gone on quite a bit so far, more than my normal four sentence maximum detail I usually provide on anything. It is just that Peyton is the biggest deal in this quarterback driven league right now. If he goes to Denver, Tebow is up for grabs and the new Jacksonville owner is not shy about ponying up for him. If he goes to Arizona, Kolb would most likely be released prior to his bonus. Where can he go after his second consecutive "meh" anticipated season? Some old Eagles staff he worked with are in Cleveland and he supposedly knows that offense. Maybe San Francisco, Seattle, or Miami could use him. If Miami grabs him, that leaves Henne or Moore to stay with the team. Moore would probably stay and get to learn from the best and be a serviceable backup in case he goes down, which may lead to Henne taking his wild arm elsewhere, maybe Jacksonville, Cleveland, or elsewhere. The Titans want Manning? Have fun with an average quarterback age of 45 with Matt Hasselback there. That would be dumb and I do not support any more thought on it. Texans? They have Matt Schaub, who had a bad year and was injured, as were several of his key weapons. Houston does not need Manning as the division is theirs for at least the next two years.

Please note, I strongly believe that if the Ravens found a way to get Peyton Manning, they would go on to be the Greatest Team of All-Time (if he stayed healthy).

Overall, I go with Arizona, Miami, or Denver, in that order of preference and what I believe would be best. If Peyton were to go down for the final career count on one of these teams, there are at least young players behind him who he can mentor.

Vincent Jackson - In a pass happy league, so many teams have shitty receivers. Cleveland. San Francisco. Chicago. The Jets. Even the Patriots. I think V-Jax is tired of waiting to win. He probably saw how close the Patriots were last year and wants at least the chance to get there, something he has seen pass him by in San Diego. Sigh, although now the experts are saying that since the Redskins have assured themselves a franchise quarterback that V-Jax would be a perfect fit for. He could not find a rhythm all year with his quarterback Phillip Rivers who he has played with for years now. I hope he goes to Chicago instead, as Jay Cutler and the Bears have nothing to throw to. For a couple years now. I say, he goes with Chicago.

Michael Bush - He filled in quite admirably for the annually injured Darren Mcfadden. Signs show that the Bengals could use him to replace the free agent Cedric Benson. He only has 24 more hours to commit a crime though unless the Bengals are looking to turn a new leaf. Bush should say "eff-it" and go replace Benjarvus Green Ellis on the Pats. I personally think Bush needs a starting role. Maybe he is what Cleveland needs in their fourth attempt at rebuilding since that once good Derek Andersen season years ago. I do think he would be a fit with the Bengals as I cannot think of another team that really needs somebody like him, minus maybe the Chargers.

One of the best defensive ends, Mario Williams, should stay with the Texans. They should keep that team together since they did so well with so many injuries, advancing in the playoffs and more or less hanging with the Ravens in the next round. Williams was not part of the playoffs, but if he was maybe they would have gone farther. Hard to tell, as the Patriots controlled the AFC destiny. A lot of teams could use a decent pass rusher like him, but I really think he should stay in Houston. It would be a second year in the Wade Phillips system plus the core of the team is preserved a little longer. He is probably going to go out for money and potential success. I have a bad feeling we may see a Redskins helmet on Williams in the future. Sorry, I am not too up on teams' defensive needs.

Now the quick thoughts:

Matt Flynn - It all depends on Peyton Manning. If he is in Miami, Flynn will probably go to Cleveland (since they did not pursue RG3). If Manning goes to Denver, Flynn could be either Cleveland or Miami bound, and that depends on Kevin Kolb. If Manning becomes a Cardinal, then Flynn will definitely be a Dolphin and Kolb will be a Brown and his "coulda-been" career dies a little quicker.

Brandon Jacobs - The most pissed off and disgruntled two-time Superbowl winner I have ever seen. I always thought Jacobs should be the best and most feared running back in the NFL. The only fear he strikes is in dealing with an attitude issue as he is clearly a little insane. He is proud to have jawed with Rex Ryan and wants to play for him now. He would have to be a backup, but a decently involved backup. I would love for him to be an Eagle, but he is most likely going to be a Jet. Which frees the Eagles up for...

Mike Tolbert - Younger than Ronnie Brown (who if he was given better opportunities I think could have been a real difference maker - sometimes it is the play calling and not always the player's fault), he has proven capable in his time in San Diego. He is the bruiser the Eagles need. Tolbert would have to be a backup, but a high profile one. However, with the mess in Cleveland, I can see them taking a full-time chance on him, and letting Tolbert and Hillis push each other all season.

Peyton Hillis - Yeah, there is probably some news out there about him that I forgot. He can be awesome and should be a bulldozer. What he did last season was forgettable and now he may be in limbo. He should stay in Cleveland, as I believe some help may be on the way there, one form or the other.

Brandon Lloyd - Since he apparently only can play for Josh MacDaniels, I, too, believe that he will become a Patriot. And he would be cheaper than Vincent Jackson.

Wes Welker - Yeah, he may have cost his team a Superbowl, but how is he still playing? I mean, the only advantage he has over me is he is a litte faster. Whoopity shit. If he goes anywhere else, that coach will try to do cute things with him on the field that will lead to disaster and injury for Welker. That is why he will remain in New England, on the cheap for a #1 wide receiver, and live out his last 2 good years there.

That is all I can muster up in terms of players I know anything about off the top of my head. I know there are some decent centers and linemen out there, and some older linebackers and safeties. I skipped Reggie Wayne intentionally. What really could he have? He is like Tonto to Peyton's Lone Ranger. Nobody really needs him except maybe Seattle, Cleveland, Kansas City, or Saint Louis.

Instead, my remaining football knowledge comes in the form of me seeing a player's name, then the position, and then remembering his former team's success and failure compared to the new team and THEN I realize the impact.

All in all, I hope the Eagles address the needs they have. I hope they just do not go with a bunch of aging player to rotate around as linebackers and safeties with the added intention of finding a bargain player in the draft. We also need a bruising tall receiver, and that Blackmon kid may be the one, but you already have two number one receivers on your team plus a great tight end. Plaxico Burress may just be what the doctor ordered as Andy Reid may want to help the rehab of yet another player. Cedric Benson has officially been to jail and is a free agent, so maybe we get him too.

The Bad Movie Streak Continues...Movie Review: The Lorax

Sigh. Right off the bat, the best part of this movie was that I used a gift card that I thought had only $5 on it but actually had $25 on it, covering the cost of the entire family outing.

I do not think I would be legally allowed to put a Lorax picture up, so I will show a picture showing what I really think of the movie:

The last Dr. Seuss movie I saw was probably Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs, which was hilarious in so many ways. It was great actually. We had very high hopes. Plus, an animated Danny Devito has the ultimate potential.

Alas, from the opening song to the Al Gore type message to the replanting of a tree, this was a horrible kids movie, and horrible all around. Yes, there were some parts that made me laugh, as there always are in a movie like this. But seriously, the songs made NO sense for the most part. However, one song about the Once-Ler cutting down all the trees and growing his massive corporation and how he was helping the community was okay, but the kids had no idea what the Hell was going on. I am pretty sure Rocco had a blast with this movie. However, there were several times I looked over at Kim and we both had that uncomfortable "I cannot believe they would put that in a kids movie" look. For instance, the Once-Ler rips open a bag of marshmallows and shakes them out so it rains marshmallows in the forest to feed the animals. However, the look on the man's face, combined with the obscene body shaking, made the flow of marshmallows seem more erotic than a kids movie should have allowed.

Then, the Thneed start to get popular. One fat man buys a thneed, and goes to dry off with it, but a young boy gets wrapped in it and the man continues to dry himself as the boy moves across his body. Odd.

Seriously, about a quarter of the way in, the message of we need trees and corporations are killing the planet comes to play. The solution is we can all do our part, and we all should. And that even a kid can understand this concept so so should you. Oh yes and it was awesome explaining to Rocco what photosynthesis was in the middle of the movie. It was just off.

Yet, the ultimate reviewer, the kids in the theater, approved mightily. Most of the kids clapped, followed by their parents. Rocco did not clap, but I know he loved the movie. Could see it in his face the whole time. He also ate a bag of popcorn by himself, some gummy angry birds candies, and chocolate filled panda cookies. Ultimately, it did what it was supposed to, entertained my 5 year old as well as the other kids.

I think a lot of the adults liked the environmentally friendly message, but as somebody who saves the world every day from pollution, it was poorly done. If you think planting a seed will do the trick, you are an idiot. If you think exporting our jobs or buying American makes a difference - you are an idiot too. These are topics for another time, though.

If you are adult hoping for something great as recent animated movies have been, you will be disappointed and probably hate the fact that your kid likes this movie and you will own it in the future.

IN OTHER NEWS...
Who has my APP? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I guess it can be called a "beta" app. If anybody out there has a license with Apple, Android, or BlackBerry, let me know. My current format will stand, though.

The Greatest Meal Ever

Again, as I test out new and different features of my blogging experience, I wanted to test out this email feature. So, I found the best, most (or least) appetizing picture I could find: The General Tso's Pizza.

This was a result of a bet I had with Brandon - First team to win 6 games in the 2010 NFL season. Brandon chose the Lions and I chose the Chiefs. The Lions only got 6 wins, but they fought valiantly...just not as valiantly as the AFC West winning Chiefs.

Soooo Close to Getting Inside You....r phone, iPod, or tablet...

Well, it is a Friday night, I am watching the only movie worse than "Little Deaths" (that being "Sanctum"), and aside from learning how to create apps for my Playbook, I came across a way to make an app for me, the greatest person ever. Little did I know it would cost me money to get into App Store, Android Market, Whatever Windows Phones Use, and I am assuming Blackberry App World. 

Until I have that money in my pocket (perhaps a loose change save up), scan the code above with one of your fancy mobilized cellular telephones. If you do not have one of the bar code things, click this link or type it into your browser: TGJD App. 

This is basically a test to see if this app updated and whether or not it is worth pursuing any further.

And Sanctum, featuring the guy who played Mr. Fantastic in the Fatastic Four movies, still sucks

Horrible Movie Review - Little Deaths

So pretty intriguing poster, right? Just so you know, there is nobody that looks like this girl nor are there any spikes coming out of anybody's back. Instead, you have a movie that puts three random odd horror stories together. Random horror story TV shows and movies never work, probably because the guy who made this movie is leading the trend.

Kim and I checked out the IMDB synopsis. We should have been alarmed on the 2.5 out 5 stars. The synopsis declared this movie to be thrilling, sensual, and murderous. I like movies that brag about sex and murder, and this seemed perfect to watch immediately after putting Rocco to sleep.

Like I said, there were three short stories presented in this movie. The first one was called "House and Home." Once the opening credits revealed a name of "Nigel" I knew what was about to happen - A British accent movie. British is like another language to me. I can barely understand anything in British that is not yelled. Needless to say, in a movie about creepy stuff, there is a lot of British whispering. So, back to the first story...

1. House and Home: A couple maybe in their mid to late 30's seem to have some boring ass life where the man wants to do it and the girl does not. I am sure if this were a Russian couple, the man would demand and the woman would deliver. Big ups, Russia. Anywho, the guy starts rambling about how he was watching "her" again at the park. Some British whispering goes back and forth and long story short, they cut to a park where a homeless couple is snuggling under a tarp in the rain as the guy watches from his car. The guy later confronts the homeless girl, throws her some money, then starts talking to her. He declares he is wealthy but owes it to his faith and God. He likes to share his earnings with less fortunate people and takes the homeless girl home. The wife already has dinner ready and the couple offer the girl a bath, change of clothes, etc. Then the dinner...They offer her some obviously drugged wine as by her second glass, the girl is swaying and fading back and forth. The couple starts calling her a drug addict and a whore and other slang British words for streetwalker. Long story short, the girl wakes up, tied up and naked. Kim noticed the girl's obvious breast implant scar. The husband unsuspensefully rapes the girl and moneyshots her. They actual show the girl with stuff all over her face, then the guy pees on her face. He goes to take a shower and leaves his wife to have some "fun" with the girl. The husband returns to see the girl on top of his bloody wife, and realizes that they kidnapped a hungry homeless vampire for a sex slave. Wrong move, Napolean. He runs out of the house to his car and turns his lights on to find a zombie vampire blockade. He gets tied up in the basement and the girl talks about keeping him alive while feeding off him forever. With all the vampire zombies gauging out the wife's internal organs, I realize that the vampires just ate the couple out of "house and home". Clever, right?
2. Title that was written in cursive that I forgot: So a guy is locked up in a warehouse wearing a welder mask and a thousand hoses hooked up to him. There is a drug dealer and his girlfriend, Karen, who have a struggling drug business. Karen gets knocked out in the parking lot after selling for a whole day and loses all her money. The drug dealer boyfriend is not happy she is not pulling her weight anymore. Karen gets depressed, goes to a doctor who looks eerily like my doctor, and then gets some me prescribed. Meanwhile, poor guy chained up in the warehouse, we learn, is being "milked" to accumulate his semen which gets put in the medicine. Karen, taking the medicine, feels the pain of this guy. When the guy dies, Karen starts bleeding from her nether-regions and she becomes the next person tied up in the warehouse. Dumb.
3. Bitch: A British guy whispering to his British girlfriend about their love life, and you can clearly see the guy is the bitch. The girl goes to his bar and gets free drinks and the guy demands money. She will not pay him, so what does the guy do? If it were my girlfriend, I would spot her the money or the drinks, and nobody would know. In crappy British movie land, the boyfriend actually goes home, strips naked, puts on a dog mask, crawls out of a makeshift dog house, sniffs around his girlfriend's underwear drawer, pees on her underwear, and lays down in the other room until she comes home. Once the girlfriend comes home, she sees and smells the mess, grabs the "dog" and slams his face into the soiled underwear. Then she puts on a sexy-time dominatrix outfit and a strap on and gives it to the dog. The dog-boy weirdo enjoys it. Then like the next day the guy has sex with his girlfriend and it was only exciting for him, wink wink. You Russians know what I mean. Then the couple is hanging with their friend and the girlfriend and friend want a threesome. The boyfriend weirdo dog boy does not want to partake, but he puts on the dog mask, sneaks into the room, and watches his adulterous girlfriend. He takes off his mask and sheds a tear as he watches his masculinity drop even lower. If you ask me, this is the perfect time for a montage! Cue up some coming of age music that only British people would understand, and watch the boyfriend proceed to: tear apart the fake doghouse as the girl says, "that was for both of us;" the guy blows off his girlfriend in the bedroom; he rents a storage unit; steals or buys dogs off their owners; muzzles them for days; surprises his girlfriend with fuzzy handcuffs; takes the dogs to the apartment; boils some dog food stew; walks into the bedroom where his girlfriend is tied up on her stomach; he cuts off her underwear (that he peed on earlier); dumps the dog food stew on his girlfriend's ass; then de-muzzles the dogs. They go to town and the guy sits outside the apartment, listening to her scream as he has yet another tear down his eye. He showed her!

Again, that picture at the beginning - it shows absolutely no resemblance to anything that was in this movie. It should have showed bad teeth and a dog mask. Maybe some zombie vampires. This was an odd movie. But such is a Monday night without Monday Night Football.

This review brought to you by the fact that my work network was down.

Dubacross the World

As I watch my audience grow internationally (welcome, Portugal), I look back at places I have been and imagine where I would want to go. I have been around, to say the least. So, to appeal to my international constituents, I would like to detail to you some of my past worldly conquests.

1997 D-Day (Duba Lands on European Soil)

I remember my junior year of high school...it was without a doubt my most depressing year ever. After basically a year of training for wrestling, I hurt my back and partly tore a ligament in my knee during wrestling season. The college search was amping up. For some reason I became a mamby pamby pansy and moped around a lot.

So, how did I recover from that? Well, our high school did a trip to Europe every year. Every other year was a trip for the German classes to Germany and Auschwitz while the other year the Spanish and French classes went to Spain, France, and England. 1997 was the year for the romance languages to take their trip and leave the hate trip for 1998.

Looking back, I wish I wasn't an unappreciative 17 year old punk-jerkass. I remember seeing a million castles, art museums, battlefields. I also took a stroll with "Suave" Nilay Patel through what I am pretty sure was the red light district because he wanted to have a beer and see some chicas. I just remember one swanky club we walked into and just asked for a bottle of water and the girls and apparent pimp laughed at us. I think my girlfriend had an asthma attack and went to a hospital. And that was Spain in a nutshell.

We took a train overnight to France and, well, I have some vivid and bad memories of that place. I remember we were on the "underground" - I think that was the name of the public rail system over there. We were somewhere in gay Pari (that's how the French say Paris). Our trip was co-ed, but we always went somewhere in a group. So, some local French ragamuffins decide to speak ludely in French to our female travelers. These guys were like 24 and the girls were 14-17 years old. That's the French way. Just like the movie "Taken." Nilay knew what the men were saying so he spoke back to them. We had no idea what was being said, but we had Nilay's back. Our effeminite chaperone (Senor Pascual) kept us from doing anything stupid. We got off the train, and Senor told us what to do, where to be, and when to be there. As the train pulled away, those cheese eating surrender monkeys opened a train car window, yelled "Hey Americans, you SUCK!" and hocked a big lugie at us. I saw it. Nilay saw it. Ian Brown saw it, but he was the only one who didn't need to duck. We avoided it, but only for an unsuspecting girl to catch it on her face and hair. Other memories I have of Paris is a small Asian girl trying to pickpocket me on the Eiffel Tower during a romantic session, sneezing all over my shirt, and a man accosting me in the bathroom of the Louvre. I was at the world's greatest art museum and all I remember is a guy running into me while I was going at a urinal and then running off, like a crazy person. I also saw Notre Dame, but it was under construction and I bought a gargoyle paper weight.

Then we took a ferry to England. I do not remember much of that trip either, except being in Buckingham Palace, and then being an extra in a movie that was shot, filming outside the Thames River. I am sure we did some much cooler stuff, as I think we spent like 4 days there. Unfortunately, I don't remember much else What I do remember is having to land in Boston as the flight was altered due to some horrible rain storm and we got home pretty later than expected. I do also remember sneezing and launching my sneeze particles all over my shirt. Eventually, one of the chaperones asked if I had a mushroom on my shirt. Yes, I walked around London for maybe 3 hours with a huge snot-wad on my shirt. I also went into a Virgin Records store and bought a Nine Inch Nails remix CD - Further Down the Spiral. It was awesome and the song Piggy was remixed brilliantly.

Overall, Europe in 1997 was just OK. I often forget about this trip. It is unfortunate, because I see a huge box of photos from Europe but cannot recall what anything really was. I became friends with some people I was not normally friends with. I saw Ryan Donnelly step on a Spanish family and say "Mi malo" - an attempt at "my bad" in Spanish.

Spain had so many topless beaches, and for a 17 year old American boy, this was turning into the perfect vacation. However, I was with my girlfriend at the time, and so I began workinig on my creep stare skills. France had a really awesome castle with a forest behind it that was beautiful, and that is all I can recall about that. It was peaceful. Our flight over there had a layover in England, and we hung out at Brighton Beach for a couple hours. What I remember most about England, and very vividly might I add, is that Brighton Beach was a depressing beach covered in stones and grey skies.

Would I return to Europe? I have, but the far east side, almost in the Middle East. That is a story for another time. Kim and I would love a chance to come back to Europe. I do think American movies have given Europe a bad name lately. "Taken" and "Hostel", "Human Centipede" and "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" have made Europe look both scary and cheesy. I would love to go to one large heavy metal festival and see my favorite Danish bands Volbeat and Mnemic. The crowds at these festivals look insane. There are some romantic things I certainly would like to show Kim over there.

I would likely enjoy Iceland (I hear it is NOT covered in ice), going back to France (for my lady), England (although I will need an English-English dictionary this time around), possibly Italy, and the Duba homeland of the Czech Republic. Yes, it would be great to see a bunch of 5'6-5'8 unabrowed stocky people running around Prague.

That is that! Next installment of Dubacross the World:

You may like to fly around, but I prefer to stay on land. So, read next time about why I was stupid enough too sail to Bermuda, almost had my organs shut down, and lived to tell about.

International Man of Mystery Human Highlight Reel No Fear Having Limosine Riding Implant Busting Jetsetting Son of a Bitch - Dave "The Rave" Bell

Oh man. Where do I begin with this guy? David Octavius Bell was born in the late 70's and grew up in Delran, New Jersey. How was he born and raised I really do not know. I never ever saw his parents in all these years I have known him. I have seen random pictures of people he passes off as his parents but really looks like stock picture frame photo people. I believe he was immaculately created by mixing a little of Hell and Purgatory to become the Devil's bastard son - he finds heaven too boring.

Little did we know then that Dave Bell would grow up from this ugly as sin teenager to a Kurt Warner stunt double.

Dave Bell is not just the type of guy I enjoyed talking with or being around. He is the type of guy who has created memories and legendary stories either told by me and my friends or people I meet who know him. I have not seen Dave Bell for a couple years, but I have SEEN him. I first became aware of this fact at Trenton State one night (perhaps it was The College of New Jersey - TCNJ). It was a Landis fraternity special event. I had become friends with his frat brothers - Ackerman, Guy/Dude, Fat Tony, Walsh. It was the ancillary guys I saw that fateful night........

Bell sees a guy out of the corner of his eye and says "Hey Duba tell that guy that Geronimo sent you and tonight the Lizard sheds it skin". What in the holy Hell? I was hesitant, but he eventually coerced me to go over there, Duba shirt and all, and repeat the veiled threat. Ready for an awkward exchange, this guy (can't remember his name) starts laughing. Gerard goes "Oh Shit HE'S here?!" Bell shouts, "that's the original Lizard, folks." I was flabbergasted. Bell knew half the fraternity. I would ask them if they saw Fat Batman yet, as I started to assume these people may have been the evasive expanding super hero that Bell once recorded. They didn't know about Fat Batman. I had to tell the story of the amazing video of fat justice.

Dave Bell one time had me convinced that I could jump off Bayard's Chocolate house through a flaming table and suffer little harm. Dave Bell stood by and watched as the late, great Mike Awesome (then ECW Champion) thought I was a special needs kid and gave me a free polaroid autographed picture of him and me together (it was like 20 bucks). He is the purveyor of the classic Daytona Race Track game "wheel chair kick cooler." He once sent me to Chuck Sperbeck's house dressed as Macho Man Duba Savage to mess with him. Just a couple weeks ago, he sent me a message that read "Can you text the number below and type 'there is a storm coming'". I do not know what I just started there, but I am sure that was not the last of my involvement.

There is a lifetime of stories I could tell with much more detail, but without further aduba, I present to you my:

Top 10 Dave Bell Memories

10. Tank Dogs
Our friend's girlfriend played for the Drexel softball team. They had some fundraiser going on where the softball team would play against a group of guys who paid to play. It sounded like a fun event and I certainly do not mind paying to play for charity.

HOWEVER, after much prodding and questioning, Magnum PI Dave Bell revealed the following:

• The charity we were playing for was the Drexel girls softball team to go to a tournament in Florida
• We were the only team to play

Fueled by hatred now, Bell assembled the greatest least athletic team of all time consisting of yours truly, Scalise, Lipski, Bell, and many others I cannot remember. We spraypainted our uniforms, for the Tank Dogs. My number was 24/7. Dave Bell, well he was not just satisfied with creating a jersey and possibly whooping a bunch of greedy girls. He wanted to go farther....

The night before, we were invited to a party at the softball team captain's house. Still bitter about the "charity" nonsense, we said no. However, we did not tell our friend, who kept texting/calling asking when we would stop by. Eventually he said they were going to sleep, and Bell led us to their house. Bell and his crew of merry men butted full trashcans with loose trash up against their door and left. Needless to say, the girls were late from having to cleanup their mess.

The game itself, well, we lost.. I think we kept it very close. Too close for a team that we were paying to go to Florida to play other teams who used their boyfriends' friends to pay for the trip. We were mostly hungover or still drunk from the night before. But, one man, one legend was born that day. Every single play he made, Dave Bell winded up on the ground in either an unnecessary slide or a trip, yet he still found the ball every time. Thus, the Human Highlight Reel was born.

9. High Speed Interstate 295 Food Fight
Coming home from one of our many nights at TCNJ, we had stopped somewhere to eat. There were two cars - one driven by me and one by Nick Tsigos. We stopped for food, then took back off. Dave Bell is in my passenger seat, looks over and sees that Nick's car is right next to us. After mutual exchanges of the middle finger, Dave bell, never satisfied with the norm, gets all uppity...

He looks at his food, then tosses a piece of cheese out the window. It immediately caused Nick to slow down and keep his distance. Nick and his passengers must have banded together to come up with a counterattack. They eventually sped up to us and unloaded with french fries, cookies, crackers, and other assorted snacks. Larry, in the backseat, went nuts and tossed a pudding or something out, again causing Nick to slide back. Luckily my Camaro was powerful enough to go up and down in speed and attain only minor damage. Nick, not so much. I think the last bomb was Dave Bell parting with his beloved soda, as he hurled it long and accurately to Nick's windshield. Game. Set. Match. Duba's car wins, and Bell was the MVP.

*It should be noted that as a responsible family man/adult, I no longer condone high speed food fights.

8. Kidnapping John Raleigh
 I was told this story by Bell, and of course it led to a variation of sorts later involving your beloved blogging hero (that's ME, you knuckleheads). Apparently, Dave or one of his friends called John from his own driveway and asked him to come out. When John came out, he met his would be attacker and they talked for a little while. Then the ambush came, and he was dumped into the car. I do not know if he was literally put in the trunk or not. Bell is crazy, so it is possible.

I was not part of the kidnapping incident, but I was in the follow up incident. To begin, I went over Bell's house where he told me the details of the kidnapping. He wanted to apologize and make it up to Raleigh by unknowingly "taking him" to the Ancora Pyschiatric Hospital. Bell, the master of production value, made a Raliegh specific CD of songs intermixed with verbal recordings from yours truly. The recordings were things like shut up, get ready for the wild ride, and you are going straight to Hell mixed between songs like Enter Sandman and the Exorcist theme.

So we pick up Raleigh for an evening stroll. I believe it was me, Bell, Skvir, and Raleigh. We say we were headed to a specific place, but one we passed the necessary exit, Raleigh began to ask questions why we went they way and where we were going. Sure enough it was timed perfectly with my voice (slightly disguised of course) booming loudly declaring he needs to show up. He started freaking out as the set up began to unravel. We toured the Psychiatic hospital and even saw a wandering crazy lady that freaked him out even more. There is not much else to this story, but I remember Bell and I were giggling a lot at this situation.

7. The last ECW Arena Show
ECW was a staple of ours. It was the best wrestling show you could ever hope to see. It has often been imitated, but never duplicated. It was maybe late 2000 when we stood out in the long line with a bunch of other loud drunk violence fans. See, you had to wait in line so that you could assure yourself a great seat once you got there. It was cold that day, and we started a bonfire in thee middle of the sidewalk that lasted for a couple hours. Keystone Light was flowing and I saw a guy that I was in fourth grade with. His name was John Cikit. And of course, who knew him, too? Dave Bell. I forget the relationship, but they stole the show in line again.

The ECW Arena was bingo hall converted into a wrestling arena for the better part of the 90's until they took their show across the country and eventually the world. However, by this time, the company was in sever financial dire straits. We had no clue that what we were about to see was the last show to ever take place in the hallowed hall.

The main event had Justin Credible and crowd favorite The Sandman. I do not remember the specifics, but I do know that at the end, a historic ECW scene was recreated. The Sandman, who fought of Justin Credible's entourage began asking the crowd for weapons. Sure enough, one folding chair flew into the ring. Then another, then a fourth fifth and sixth. Then everybody on the floor seat section was standing because their chairs were in the ring, burying the body of Justin Credible and his cronies. We were located in the bleachers and did not get to participate in the fun. I wish camera phones were around back then as this was a prime time to use one. We had two car loads of people, and I remember Dave and I were in one of them. I think it was just us. We went to MacDonalds after the show while everybody else retreated to Ed and Larry's Bayard Chocolate House apartment. We devised a great plan on the way.

Dave called the other car and told them to tell everybody about the chairs being thrown. He also told them to instruct our friends that I was hit in the head by a flying chair and was at the hospital. Dave and I had our MacDonalds and grabbed ketchup. We went back to his house to apply the ketchup for fake blood and applied gauze to my head. We waited maybe an hour or two to arrive. I proceeded to act all loopy like I had sustained a concussion. Everybody thought I should have been home and were concerned for my welll being. Until Dave started talking smack to me and fake hit me in the head. Things were getting ugly at the party and I had to pull the wool off their eyes and reveal I was okay and that we were just indeed, stupid.

6. Riding The Streets of Philadelphia
One thing I will always know of Dave Bell was his propensity and wherewithal to have a video camera on him at all times. He would show us his movies over the years. I remember one, it opens up with him and Lispki and some other people driving, and all you see is the open road through the windshield. The first words I heard was Lipski inquiring, "Do you think Cooter ever banged Daisy?"

So, one night after trying to terrorize the Drexel softball team for the second annual Tank Dog invitational, Bell wanted to drive to 711 with me and Raleigh. We approach the sevs and Bell, camera rolling, yells at a burly streetwalker, "Hey, is that a condom hanging out of your ass, you f****t?!?!" Raleigh zipped through the parking lot ran a light and nearly got us killed.

This was a short story, but one I will never forget.

5. The Ice Almost Kills Dave Bell
We had some pretty heavy snow falls in the early 2000's. We lived close enough as a group of friends to the Rush Elementary School in Cinnaminson. Anybody from that area knows of the massive hill that leads up to the playing fields for the High School. However, it was awesome for sledding. After like a 2 feet thick snowfall, we waited out the day to go sledding at night. We got to Rush and could barely walk up the hill. We did not have sleds. We had trash bags and garbage can lids. We all take our turns, some of us had been drinking, too. Due to the night time freeze up, some spots were really slick with ice. Dave went a couple times with no complications. We then moved to the softball field. We climbed the backstop and jumped off repeatedly into the snow. Par for the course were Macho Man elbow drops, leg drops, big splashes, and other easy to do aerial wrestling moves. Not satisfed with filling our thrill appetite, we returned to the hill. The temperature must have been maybe 10 degrees by now.

Every sledder shot down the hill faster than before. Bell, equipped with only a now busted up trash can lid, ran from a couple feet back of the hill's edge and took flight. He hit the ice/snow mix and shot out with incredible speed. We saw where he was headed. There was this really quick drop in the snow followed by a bump that looked painful. Bell was headed right for it. He had no clue it was coming as I believe he had turned sideways at this point. Then...BOOM! He must have got 7 feet in the air. Green debris from the trash can lid were strewn about. Bell flew through the air in a human mess. It literally looked like he just sledded away with a bomb that he was trying to take to safety for it to blow up before time ran out. He landed and rolled lifelessly across the snow, maybe 15 feet away from the bump. We laughed so hard. Even though we saw h was not moving, we laughed. We tried to go down the hill until we saw him struggle to get up. Instead of helping him, we laughed again as he struggled to make it up the hill.

What, we are mean people? Don't cha know we all aimed for the bump after that, including the man himself, Dave Bell.

4. Hurffville
One night we were at a WWF show at the Wachovia Center, partying it up in the parking lot. We saw an obnoxiously large pickup truck in the parking lot with one of those Calvin and Hobbes type cartoon peeing decals. Then below that it said something like "proud member of the Hurffville fire department". For some unknown reason, we began cracking Hurffville jokes. We talked about it like how people from Virginia would talk about West Virginia - with utter disgust and bias.

A school project came up for me where we had to volunteer to visit an EPA Superfund Site. If you don't know what that is, it is basically a very polluted site that the EPA has allotted funds and assumed cleanup. I used mapquest to try to find its location. Dave Bell and Dave Jacobs and I departed on a ride to check it out. We were looking for the former Lipari Landfill in Gloucester County, New Jersey. The mapquest directions led us to a park. This park was unusual as it was highly elevated off the ground. I did not know at the time that landfills were converted into parks after a lengthy building and remediation process. We went searching through the park, and saw no signs of a landfill.

Until we saw the barbed wire fence. We walked the fence for what seemed like miles. Keep in mind, this was around the same time as the Dave Bell human explosion incident. Of course, with Dave egging us on and the camera rolling, Jacobs and I found a way through the fence. There was not much going on there, but we did see a series of apple orchards that were producing landfill-grown apples. We ended up out another end of the park, and had to cross a stream. It was partly frozen, and when Jacobs and I thought it was not safe to cross, Dave Bell, the Magellan that he is, ran across the partly frozen stream to safety.

Once we all crossed, we found a tribute to a "Midget stock car race" driver. Further research revealed that this was not an ode to small race cars, but rather an ode to midgets who raced. Hurffville got a lot weirder. We explored the back roads again, and found the home of the United States National Jamboree as well as the NJ Mosquito Control Center. It looked like a breeding ground for the KKK as well as a place you could love your cousin and sister. In fact, I think that was the way of life.

3. Deerhead Attack

At the time, Ed, who lived above Bayards Chocolate House, had a girlfriend named Jen. Jen was a sweet and fun girl that Ed had no business being with. One night, a small group of us, including me, Bell, Jacobs, Raleigh, and Ed were hanging out, watching TV. In the weeks leading up to this night, Bell and I had been hanging with Jacobs a lot at his house. We saw that his dad was in possession of a pretty sweet deer head. He was proud of it, but it was never hung up anywhere in the house. For weeks, Bell would try to schmooze Mr. Jacobs (AKA the Warrior - in reference to a Dave Bell tall tale where Mr. Jacobs came out dressed as the Ultimate Warrior to yell at him) into letting him borrow the deer head for his dastardly deeds. Mr. Jacobs refused for weeks, until one day...

Jen came over to the apartment late that night. We ran distractions while Jacobs talked to his dad. Bell could have the deer head for this night only. On cue, he retrieved the deer head and quickly devised a scheme that all of us were in on. Somehow, Raleigh got the keys to Jen's car and she was none the wiser. Bell returned and the plan was in place. The deer head was strategically set so that the lifeless, antlered face of the deer was facing towards the window, presenting an eerie visual in the moonlit sky.

So, as tired as we all were, we stayed until Jen was ready to leave for the night. She finally decides to leave, and as soon as the door shuts, we all run to Larry's room to look out the back window. She gets to the car, stopping at her back driver side door to fumble with her keys. The lights on her car flicker indicating the doors were unlocked...she looks up as she reaches for the door, and looks up - staring directly into the dead eyes of the deer. We actually saw her eyes pop out of her head. Then we actually saw her leap into the air as she screamed bloody murder. As she was in the air, her feet were moving like the Coyote after he runs off the edge of a cliff. She hit the ground and made it back into the apartment in about 2.1 seconds. We were all laughing too uncontrollably to be any kind of comforting, especially Ed.

It was the best prank I have ever seen live.

2. Chainsaw Charlie in the Dumpster
A lot of ish went down at the Bayards apartment. During the summer months, we would hang out in the driveway or around back between the back of the building and the adjacent bank parking lot. Some times people (who will be referred to as "Shady") would go in to the neighboring Westfield Friends School playground and do non-playground approved adult activities. So this one night was no different most. In fact, a lot of people, old and new friends, were hanging around.

Bell was there, and he was acting weird. Or normal for Dave Bell. He went out to the bank parking lot and said something was weird out there. No shit. He saw some weirdo walking around. Kerr, as brave, I mean drunk, as he was, led the charge to find the stranger who was encroaching on our party. The search went out into the Westfield Friends graveyard. A shadowy figure approached every body, wrapped in toilet paper and bandages, panty hose on his head. He made weird threats to us. Kerr was in his face. I saw Bell standing close to the action. I knew it was his deal. Not many people at the time knew Bell like I knew him. This was the same shadowy figure who chased me in a car (with Dave Bell in it) through dirt roads in the Pine Barrens. It was Chainsaw Charlie (Chuck Sperbeck).

Charlie spoke jibberish and exchanged between threatening us with violence and just wanting to hang out. He confused the hell out of Kerr and others. We eventually left Charlie alone, and then retreated to the apartment. Kerr, still bugged by this guy, grabs a bat and walks outside. Me and Bell try to convince him to not take a bat as he had the backup of maybe 30 people (plus Bell did not want to see his friend take a bat shot as he knew Sperbeck was crazy enough to take one for the team). Sure enough, Kerr had the bat, and most of us slowly followed him on his search for Charlie. In the bank parking lot, Kerr began to give up on his quest. Then, like a psychotic and low budget jack in the box, Charlie pops out of a dumpster and chases Kerr back to the apartment. Charlie ran off and was never seen again...

1. Duba's Ark
The summer of 1999 marked the end of my short lived Coast Guard tenure, the beginning of the summer of Duba, and the start of my friendship with Dave Bell. While in the Coast Guard, I had a web page known as "The World of Duba" on the host Maxpages.com. I cannot recall the impetus for it, but I started a series of stories entitled "Duba's Ark" that detailed the adventures of me, a ferret named Bob, and a monkey named Mojo. It was a log book style story telling that people seemed to enjoy. Anywho, it led to an epic event (at least to me) that was the result of Hurricane Floyd.

Hurricane Floyd for us was mostly a large rain storm. Being younger and stupid, I did not comprehend the power of even a super rain storm. I knew the waters would rise locally, and that was that. So, who calls me up after the eye of the storm has passed. You should have guessed Dave Bell by now. He said he was coming to pick me up and we were about to go on a ride of all rides.

We go to Branch Brook seasonal store and were the only ones there. What did we purchase? Three inflatable pool rafts and some string. We went to the creek by Fountain Farms and saw water so high that it was just at the bottom of the overpass. We were setting up a real life Duba's Ark. By this time Larry Rooney a.k.a. the Larry Monster (happy birthday Larry) was there. We began to inflate the rafts ourselves in the pouring rain. The plan was to tie the three rafts together and trek down the river, Dave and I.

After exhausting ourselves blowing up the rafts we tied them together loosely with some string you probably would not even tie a kid's arts and crafts project with. By this time, the water was moving even faster.

We locate the only available launching spot. The creek was maybe 15 feet wide and our shoddy raft/ark combination was maybe 7 feet wide when constructed. Bell approaches the shore with the raft, and gets on it first. I begin emptying my pockets, and was literally 10 seconds from getting on the raft as well. When out of nowhere, the Larry Monster comes charging down the hill, leaping onto the raft that Bell's body weight was holding down. The rocket force of Larry's landing launched the raft out to sea. They quickly disappeared from view as we ran down to the embankment to catch a glimpse of them. They were out of sight again and we could hear them going "woo hoo" and "yeah boyyyyyy this is awesomoe". But then one of them yelled "holy crap" and there was a loud tree-cracking sound. We heard the two of them moan like they just had a night they didn't want to have.

We called out to them to make sure they were alright, and they responded with that slow, we are fine but everything is not alright type of tone. They reappeared like 20 minutes later. Limping, wet, and rafts deflated. I think Bell may have been angry at Larry for that, but I was thankful Larry took more initiative than I on that one.

There are many more fond memories I have of Dave Bell. He is a great guy who I am proud to call a friend, even if I have not seen him for a couple years.